Things you maybe shouldn't tell children.

[Weathergames]

DSD 9 was here this weekend.

Her dad and I have been together for several yrs and recently had some issues. We split briefly and got back together again. We are very much in love and are both committed to rebuilding our relationship.

His ExW and I get on well and are friends, when we split she was very supportive and I disclosed that OH had displayed aggressive behaviour towards me.

OH CAN sometimes be quite aggressive and we are working through this.

During a row when with his ExW he nearly assaulted her which was the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

DSD was being a bit "offish" with OH this weekend - I asked her (when no one else was around) if she was ok and if she was angry with me/daddy. She said she had a secret she wasn't allowed to tell and I said that was ok and she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to, but if it would make her feel better she could talk to me and we could try and make things better. She said "mummy told me that daddy punched her

Oh god, another "He's violent and aggressive because he's been in the military and seen some awful things, poor lamb" apologist

No. I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions.
where does the op say that exactly?

"during a row with his ExW he nearly assaulted her which was the nail in the coffin for their marriage"

"her dad and I have been together for several years and recently had some issues......... "
"He can be quite aggressive"

You've just posted two quotes which in no way say that the dsd has witnessed any of this. The op has specifically stated that the dsd has not ever seen any aggression from her father.

Of course you are jumping to conclusions. You are assuming that the op is mistaken/lying when she says the dsd has not witnessed anything...that's YOU deciding that is the case as it's certainly not derived from anything the op has posted.

Waltermittythesequel - My father beat my mother for years. The first I was aware of it was when they split up after 30 years of marriage, when I was aged 25.

So yes, I do think it's possible (although i'm in no way saying that 'beating' is what is going on in the op's situation...as she has clearly stated it's not)

System if what you are suggesting is right, that this child has no inkling at all of her father's aggressive nature then that makes this very fucking sinister indeed. A man who reserves his aggression entirely for his spouse and hides it from everyone else knows exactly what he is doing and why he needs to hide it. So if that is what is happening here then there is even more to suggest OP is a victim and needs to deal with this situation ASAP.

I'm not suggesting anything. This is what the op has clearly stated...over and over and over.

op get your own counselling and let you partner carrying on with his you need to be doing this separately

Why are you putting up being in a relationship with an aggressive man, one that has a history of aggression

It's naive to suggest that children in households where there is a parent who is aggressive to the other (especially to the point that this ends their marriage, given the length of time/ number of incidents it is known to take before someone ends such a relationship) has not witnessed or been aware of the aggressive or abusive behaviour.

Could the exP be worried about his aggression and warning her DD? I accept that he has never hit you, and the to best of your knowledge never hit exP. But she may have been worried about where his behaviour was headed way back when, and now hearing that it's become an issue, is worried he could lash out at his DD. Dunno, just a theory.

Also, it's possible the exP said something about anger or aggression but did not say 'punching', but that's how her DD has interpreted it and repeated it.

It isn't a separate issue, op. He was violent towards her mother, and he is aggressive towards you.

he isn't learning from his mistake at all.

She is probably worried that you & him are likely to split (turning her world around again) or that he may be violent toward her.

And just because she hasn't witnessed it with her eyes, it doesn't mean she hasn't witnessed things with her ears.

I have been with him for 5 yrs and he hasn't punched me yet Your is very telling, op. I think you sound very naive. I do hope he never hurts you, but I think you need to stop assuming that you are somehow more special because he hasn't hit you.

"yet"