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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things you maybe shouldn't tell children.

86 replies

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 15:38

DSD 9 was here this weekend.

Her dad and I have been together for several yrs and recently had some issues. We split briefly and got back together again. We are very much in love and are both committed to rebuilding our relationship.

His ExW and I get on well and are friends, when we split she was very supportive and I disclosed that OH had displayed aggressive behaviour towards me.

OH CAN sometimes be quite aggressive and we are working through this.

During a row when with his ExW he nearly assaulted her which was the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

DSD was being a bit "offish" with OH this weekend - I asked her (when no one else was around) if she was ok and if she was angry with me/daddy. She said she had a secret she wasn't allowed to tell and I said that was ok and she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to, but if it would make her feel better she could talk to me and we could try and make things better. She said "mummy told me that daddy punched her

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 17:01

You cant counsel him for this though OP. you understand you cant take on a 'fixer' role for him dont you?

ThisIsLID · 27/04/2014 17:03

Re your dsd.
I am wondering if she hasn't overhead people talking (her mum with someone else for example) and misunderstood it altogether.

YY to saying 'never accept to stay in a relationship where one person is hitting the other'.
YY to saying that your relationship with your OH and the relationship between your OH and his ex are two different things.
But I also think that you should share this issue with the ex to clarify things with her.

Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 17:03

I am not counselling him - he goes to his own therapy I am not his therapist I am his partner.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 17:04

Yes, I do see that, weather. I and I do see why you are pretty upset by the idea. I would be too.

But I can also see why your DSD may really not have seen these subtleties.

You're asking if there are things you shouldn't tell children, and you seem to think she's been told a lie. Various people on here think it's quite possible she hasn't been told a lie, either because it's quite easy for a child to misunderstand what 'aggression' might mean, or because she's figured out more than you or your H realized.

I think it is tough on her, if she is starting to realize there are things going on she's not being told.

monicalewinski · 27/04/2014 17:08

Maybe her mum said 'me and daddy used to fight and now daddy has been fighting with Weather'.

A 9 yr old could easily make the leap to punching.

The point is, you don't know as fact every aspect of their previous relationship, and you don't know as fact what she said to her daughter.

The only thing you can do is in a nice way speak to it step daughter and say "no, daddy didn't punch me, we had a big argument that's all - I think mummy got mixed up. I don't know about him and mummy because I didn't know daddy then, but he hasn't hit me at all".
Then have a friendly conversation with no accusations with her mum, and say that you think she may have got the wrong end of the stick.

Regardless, your partner needs to sort out his aggression issues and needs to know that it is not acceptable to be like that, regardless off his job. There are thousands of non-aggressive people in the military.

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 17:11

I got to say he should have gotten help a long time a go after his ex wife ended an abusive marriage.

Tbh a 9 year old knowing this isn't right.

The thing is he knows how to control his anger, he has been in the military for 25 years an no way would he had pulled this behaviour with someone senior to him, he doesn't go to the pub and be aggressive or he isn't aggressive to shop work or any body else.

Ask your self why only women who he is in a relationship with is he abusive.

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 17:12

And please be careful OP that you are not walking around on eggshells afraid to say or do things, in case it upsets your partner. You should be able to be yourself.

And be aware that a partner does not need to hit you, for a relationship to be abusive. Aggression that is used to control how you react or what you do, is abusive.

Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 17:15

I am not walking on eggshells and am not at all controlled.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 17:19

So what do you think about uou 3 sitting down and talking it through?

harriet247 · 27/04/2014 17:19

It is possible that dsd has mis-interpreted what she was told. I assume she had asked why you two had split and her mum had tried to explain as best she could. I think you are best contacting her mum and setting the record straight, then figuring out a way between all of you to help this little girl feel safe and content again.
Perhaps dsd needs to speak to some sort of specialist or counsellor to help her to understand her fathers behaviour and to have a voice of her own amongst all this?

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 17:26

If what has been suggested is done, it might be the biggest message to your Partner that he is creating victims, one his own DD, by his actions, which are not excusable and cannot be brushed under the carpet.

You may one day end your relationship, but the DD has to live with this shit, unless her Mum does everything she can to protect her.

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 17:27

"Maybe her mum said 'me and daddy used to fight and now daddy has been fighting with Weather'."

I hope she didn't, it does help anyone when DA is minimised.

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 17:31

"I have a counselling diploma btw."

So have I, it probably helped me stay in a EA relationship, trying to find solutions and help my abusive ex overcome his problems.

I forgot about my rights.

SystemIDUnknown · 27/04/2014 17:34

There is such a determination here to turn the op into a victim Hmm . She doesn't come across at all that way to me. She has said that her dh has shown aggressive behaviour, which may be due in part to past experiences. She has said multiple times that he has never raised his hand to her. Her dh is receiving counselling and she is supporting him.

Well done to your dh op for seeking help - and more so to you for supporting him through it. YANBU - your dh's ex is out of order to say such a thing to a 9 year old, and the fact that she has clearly embellished the situation implies more than a bit of bitterness to me.

I would be wary of how much you class this woman as a 'friend' in future, and i'd certainly make sure you tell her nothing private from now on. Your DSD is probably confused and upset by what she's been told, and I would have a quiet word with the ex to tell her that and try to establish how the misunderstanding came about.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 17:36

You must be reading a different thread from me, system.

I was getting worried quite a lot of posts were definitely not treating the OP as a victim and were, if anything, skating over the fact she says her H has been aggressive and focussing more on her DSD and her H's ex as victims.

I do think someone in a relationship with a person who's been aggressive to them is in a tough place. And I think people should remember that more, not less.

I think you are rather jumping to conclusions about the ex wife 'embellishing' anything.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 17:38

System you dont know what the EX has said at all!

Also- op is very clearly still making lots of excuses for her dh which implies she is reluctant to face or deal with the issue, perhaps die to not wanting to upset him.

It' entirely possible to be a victim of abuse without eer having 'a hand raised' to her.

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 17:42

System - I think the OP's reactions about insisting her DP has never hit her, show that that is an important point for her, and also suggests she is minimising the aggressiveness she has/is experienced.

BookABooSue · 27/04/2014 17:53

As others have said, you're focusing on the wrong issue here. As a mother if I left a relationship because my oh had been aggressive and then his new partner said she'd taken a break from the relationship because oh was being aggressive then I would feel duty bound to have a conversation with my dd about acceptable behaviour; unacceptable behaviour and, for example, to tell her that if she ever felt frightened when at her ddad's she could phone to come home.

My priority would be making sure my dd felt safe and that she was learning acceptable boundaries for relationships. Secrecy in such a situation just leaves the child feeling vulnerable and powerless. Also her dmum might have said it was a private conversation rather than a secret one.

You're very clear that your oh hasn't physically hurt you and that would be a line in the sand for you. Please just be careful that you don't ignore other issues purely because he hasn't crossed that line. It's good that he is going to counselling but as others have said couples counselling isn't the best option when there is any level of abuse in a relationship. Take care op.

ikeaismylocal · 27/04/2014 18:05

Yabu. Her dad is an aggressive man, that is the unfortunate truth. It is better that she is told this at 9 when she is hopefully still open enough with her parents/step parents to talk about the issue than she finds out as a teenager when she might well not discuss this with her patents/step parents.

Do you think your dsd should never know that her father is aggressive?

His aggression is extreme enough to have ended at least 2 relationships but you go on about how aggression is a positive emotion, no it's bloody well not! Frustration, determination, proactively, dedication and passion are good emotions/characteristics. People who use aggression are cowards and bullys.

You hate the term anger management, what would you prefer, anger mismanagement? You and your dsd having to live with an aggressive man?

If I was your dsd mother the very least I would do is tell her the truth about her father, I would infact be unlikely to allow dsd to be alone with the aggressive man.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 18:29

I dont beleive for one second that this child was unaware of her father's aggressive nature.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 18:32

System abuse doesn't have to be just physic, as I'm sure you're aware.

I'm not sure OP is aware of this however.

And there's a 9 year old girl having to live with a man like this involved here.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/04/2014 20:11

Well, I agree that there are some things one shouldn't tell children.
And I can see that it would make you feel uncomfortable having a child be privacy to what you would consider personal issues.

It's a shame that this girl has witnessed/ does witness aggressive behaviour. It's not surprising she is angy. She is likely to be frightened. It is not really possible that she's not been acted by it.
But it's good that you helped her feel she could be open with you.

You don't know what she's actually been told though. I'd be tempted to open a conversation with her mother about that so you have some clarity.

Does he know that she's been told this? I ask becasue it could be a safety issue for her. Most DV programmes are very discriminating about the work they do with children because with their newly opened eyes children can start to challenge the abusive/ aggressive parent (usually the father) and this reduces their safety. So, I'd be keen to get some specialist advice, maybe from WA on how to help her manage her feelings.

Relate is not usually an adequate arena for resolving issues when one partner is "aggressive"
I'm sorry to challenge your position on this issue but i sense some minimising. Particularly because what DSD has said, and because of the history of a break up due to his being Aggressive to and "nearly punching" his ex.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/04/2014 20:14

Oh goodness.
Sorry.
privacy = privvy.
acted = affected.

SystemIDUnknown · 27/04/2014 20:42

It's a shame that this girl has witnessed/ does witness aggressive behaviour

Talking of jumping to conclusions Hmm

Where does the op say that exactly?

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 20:47

System she spends time with a man who split from his first wife and temporarily split from his second due to his behaviour.

Do you really think this child has seen nothing of this?