To take full control over dp money/joint bank account.

[Lastpenny]

I don't know if I'm being too controlling or not.

Lived with dp for nearly four years. When we both worked we divided money up for bills ect.. But kept our 'own' money. We've had nice holidays, a few dp has paid for as on more money than me.

We handle our money differently -

I plan and budget, where as dp will leave things to the last min and scrape together the money which stresses me the fuck out especially when were hitting dead lines.

I'm now a SAHM so dp is the bread winner. It's the first time in YEARS I haven't had my own money and I'm struggling with it.

I had originally three bank accounts. 1) dd bills. 2) every day expenses 3) savings.
We now have a joint bank account.

Dp is really bad at managing with money, but now he can't live by the seat of his pants and it's frustrating me so much.

His wages go in to his bank account, then he transfers the bill money in to my bill account, shopping money in to my every day account . He has dd coming out of his account which he won't align or set up to come out of my bills account and let me deal with it - so it's staggered through out the month. He is supposed to put the rest in the joint account, which can take days.

He isn't tight with money, he would give me his last penny, but he is so careless with our money.

Were having to borrow money nearly every month of his DM which I hate. When he puts money in the joint account I assume all his bills have been paid then something come up that he has 'forgot' which basically cleans us out because we hadn't budgeted for it when he got paid. Or when we are really watching the money he will go and spend loads at the farmer market on expensive food as a treat !!!!

He borrowed money off mil the other month for a car because she always said don't use the bank because of interest. I wasn't aware of how much. I also wasn't aware of the fucking rate he has to pay her back! Otherwise I would have said no! If we could have afforded the rate we wouldn't have had to borrow. It's fucked us up.

I have since told her we cannot afford it and offered a reasonable amount.

She now comes round and makes me feel like shit. We treated our self to a chippy tea (under a Tenner) and she called round and complained and said I thought you were skint and said we were "living a Champagne life style on a margarine budget " - hardly!

Were behind on the holiday payments. He actually gets a good wage but just spends money on shit!

He blames the fact I have so many accounts and says it confusing and it should all go in one pot !!! WTF!!
HELL NO!!

When he gets paid this month, I want to see wage slip, I want access to his account, his dds,every thing. I can't live like this any more. I also want to put 50% of the joint account money in my savings account and will release it half way through the month so it doesn't get squandered immediately .

I'm i being controlling ?

Yes

To my AIBU or controlling ?

broken we are skint all the time though - when really we shouldn't .

You're being too controlling. Have you spoken to him properly about this?

My DM alway did all the family accounts and gave DDad "pocket money".

He may have been the breadwinner, but he was perfectly happy to accept he just spent whatever was in his wallet.

You'd probably be happier if you went back to work and split everything down the middle.

Your numerous bank accounts are also completely over the top...

It is confusing to have so many accounts IMHO what has always worked for us even when we were both working is one joint account everything in everything out.

Both have free access but other than food shopping purchases over £50 discussed.

He sounds awful with money, and now you have no income it must be very difficult for you.

You need a joint account. You have a child, it should be family money. But you need to both agree on how this is going to work.

Oh, and tell him to stop borrowing money from his mum. It's giving her too much say in your lives. It also sounds like she is blaming you, not him, for the situation. Which is just unfair.

Yes you are being controlling but someone needs to be sensible with money. Can you find some sort of middle ground?

I work one day a week which brings in hardly any thing it's just to keep my foot in the door. Dp looks after dd.

The child care basically cancels out what I would earn. Believe me I miss work, I love my job. I did look at just going in for an afternoon but I would be paying to go work.

I have spoke to him. He says we just need to watch the money - which I do, he will then go blow loads on shit.

We couldn't afford the payment of the holiday because he 'had chipped in to it by mistake '

just do it the old fashioned working class way. always worked for my families

man earns
woman takes all the money, budgets, pays all bills, gives man pocket money.

I went on Martin Lewis money site and he recommended the split account and it has always worked for me.

If we had one account dp would spend the lot

I think posters are being harsh.

If you are both happy with you staying home you need to sort out your finances. He overspends and doesn't budget and it sounds confusing.

The way we do it is 3 accounts - one household, all money in, all bills out, then one account for each of us - although we both have both our names on all accounts. We agree a budget and transfer an equal amount of spending money to each of our accounts. Food is included in our household budget as are kids clothes etc..We have a weekly budget to include all these things so spending money is literally just random stuff like clothes we might want or a book or cd etc.

It works for us. We also put aside money from the household account for savings.

I am a sahm and dh is on a low wage so we have to be a team and budget carefully. All money is family money.

You need to sit down with your dp and work out a proper budget and agree how you are going to manage your finances together.

He's been like this for ages. I doubt he'll change.

The situation with MIL is worrying, although in a way at least he didn't take out a bank loan without your knowledge. Is the loan documented? Did he need a car & was the model chosen in keeping with your circumstances?

It sounds like he's frittering, but what on? You say he gets a good wage (subjective), but is it a good wage given your outgoings? Have you both sat down and worked this out before you decided you would SAH?

I'd be worried that he doesn't understand your outgoings and in that circumstance I'd want to plan a budget together and ensure access to all finances. If he's frittering hundreds of pounds a month, I'd be worried that's a habit that's hard to break, but maybe if he saw it all written down vs income it would help. If on the other hand he's only frittering a small amount and you're otherwise very frugal, I'd wonder if you can really afford for you to SAH...

merci

brokenhearted I don't think your responses are considered or supportive.

OP you're not unreasonable to want to know that you can manage each month without debts. Also YANBU to not want to have to put up with your MIL's comments around money.

It sounds like your H is struggling to budget, but telling him that has got his hackles up.

Can you make a start by making a list of all bills & expenses. State that since he works so hard he could delegate responsibility for sorting out bills etc to you but he needs to give you all pass codes etc do he can do this. Prepare a monthly budget so you each know what you have to play with? If you make it seem like you're doing him a favour and reducing his workload you may have a better chance of getting your own way.

From what you've said so far, I can understand your frustration!

Not every couple have to split every chore into equal halves. Its ok to divide things by strengths and weaknesses.

If you, plural, are struggling when you shouldn't be then you need to find a way of budgeting that does work. At the moment you don't have full info on your family finances. He does in theory but isn't managing them efficiently. This needs to change.

Does he not acknowledge that you have a problem? Can you not sit down and work out a budget together? Then make changes in hire you handle accounts and dds etc that will work.

I took control of DH's money because it was a disaster area. He had direct debits bouncing all over the place which would affect my credit rating too.

He was in agreement with this though.

I made him change all the DDs to a joint bill paying account so there were none coming out of his account at all, then transfer his share of the bills into it. I did the same.

It's not perfect, he still doesn't think about what he is spending , but at least all the bills don't bounce anymore.

I don't think you have too many accounts. Having just one account runs the risk of money that's needed for DDs later on in the month is spent.

I'd go with one main account that all wages go into and all bills come out of and one spreadsheet for your outgoings with the left over money split between a bit for savings and a bit of fun money each ... Your husband may work better seeing it all on a page in front of him plus if he really struggles then maybe he can keep his 'fun' money as cash and not use his card?

If mil thinks you're taking the piss show her the spreadsheet :) unless you don't want to, I know some families find talking about money weird.

Yanbu. We have the same accounts system more or less. One account we both get paid into (I'm on mat leave at the moment).

Then x gets transferred to bills account to cover all the bills plus £50 extra to cover variable direct debits.

X gets transferred immediately to savings which covers insurances etc as we pay them annually as they fall due.

We live on what's left.

If we overspend and I have to transfer back from savings I just say to dh to reign it in.

I couldn't cope if my dh was like yours!

I am like your husband, rubbish with money. I now transfer a huge chunk of my wages to him and he pays all bills, takes money for saving etc. I'm left with some spending money and if I have any left at the end of the month I give it to him to save (my choice or I will spend it on crap). It works really well and is a huge weight off my shoulders. I think both parties need to be willing though.