To take full control over dp money/joint bank account.

[Lastpenny]

I don't know if I'm being too controlling or not.

Lived with dp for nearly four years. When we both worked we divided money up for bills ect.. But kept our 'own' money. We've had nice holidays, a few dp has paid for as on more money than me.

We handle our money differently -

I plan and budget, where as dp will leave things to the last min and scrape together the money which stresses me the fuck out especially when were hitting dead lines.

I'm now a SAHM so dp is the bread winner. It's the first time in YEARS I haven't had my own money and I'm struggling with it.

I had originally three bank accounts. 1) dd bills. 2) every day expenses 3) savings.
We now have a joint bank account.

Dp is really bad at managing with money, but now he can't live by the seat of his pants and it's frustrating me so much.

His wages go in to his bank account, then he transfers the bill money in to my bill account, shopping money in to my every day account . He has dd coming out of his account which he won't align or set up to come out of my bills account and let me deal with it - so it's staggered through out the month. He is supposed to put the rest in the joint account, which can take days.

He isn't tight with money, he would give me his last penny, but he is so careless with our money.

Were having to borrow money nearly every month of his DM which I hate. When he puts money in the joint account I assume all his bills have been paid then something come up that he has 'forgot' which basically cleans us out because we hadn't budgeted for it when he got paid. Or when we are really watching the money he will go and spend loads at the farmer market on expensive food as a treat !!!!

He borrowed money off mil the other month for a car because she always said don't use the bank because of interest. I wasn't aware of how much. I also wasn't aware of the fucking rate he has to pay her back! Otherwise I would have said no! If we could have afforded the rate we wouldn't have had to borrow. It's fucked us up.

I have since told her we cannot afford it and offered a reasonable amount.

She now comes round and makes me feel like shit. We treated our self to a chippy tea (under a Tenner) and she called round and complained and said I thought you were skint and said we were "living a Champagne life style on a margarine budget " - hardly!

Were behind on the holiday payments. He actually gets a good wage but just spends money on shit!

He blames the fact I have so many accounts and says it confusing and it should all go in one pot !!! WTF!!
HELL NO!!

When he gets paid this month, I want to see wage slip, I want access to his account, his dds,every thing. I can't live like this any more. I also want to put 50% of the joint account money in my savings account and will release it half way through the month so it doesn't get squandered immediately .

I'm i being controlling ?

It's the joint account money. The money that pays for holidays, car expenses, petrol for work (which I want moved to the bills as it important) ect..

I can sit on money and make it really last , I go with out. I feel like I'm the only one struggling while he isn't. I gave up work, my own money (which I'm struggling with)

Op I don't think you are being controlling. I think you are being sensible and if one of you is markedly better than the other at managing money then there's no reason why, if that person is willing, they shouldn't take over that role completely.

If you were running a company, you wouldn't expect the marketing manager to head up finance (usually), your family should use it's skills for the best outcome.

Oh and your MIL sounds like a PITA, there have been times where my mother has been extremely generous both in financial terms but also by trusting without question that we would spend it wisely.

YADNBU. If he's so immature and irresponsible then someone has to take control. It's a shame that he can't be sensible but but at least you realise this and are able to sort yourself out before you get into real trouble. If he wants to behave like a child then treat him like one. Taking fifty quid out for a wander round a market. Jesus. We'd all like to live like children spending our pocket money but houses and children and bills come first, unfortunately.

Oh and tell his mother that all future loans etc will come through you and if she'd brought him up to have a bit more respect for money and supporting his family, you wouldn't be in this position.

In theory your right worrel about savings account - but with not a frickin penny spare it's not urgent. I would just be happy not to look in the account a week and half before pay day and break out in to a cold sweat!

ilove oh she loves it! as it means it's a private transaction between the two of them that I have no idea/input on it, when it's actually me sat up at night thinking how are we going to pay her back.

After this last episode I don't think he will go there again.

Put her straight then. Tell her. Tell her he's financially immature and irresponsible and he will not be discussing finances with her again. What have you got to lose?

My DH was useless with money. I eventually got fed up of always saying no to spending so gave him responsibility for paying everything and budgeting for a few months. He managed barely but was unable to save anything.

I then rook responsibility for everything again and over the last year have saved money for mat leave and a holiday. He is given "pocket money" in cash and when it's gone it's gone, tough. And petrol only to be spent from the joint account for him. I do grocery shopping also from j/a.

We have the j/a for wages and bills plus my own account which funds are transferred into by SO each month for non monthly bills, car tax etc as he never budgeted for those and if he can't get it he can't spend it.

We only use that one as I already had it, otherwise it would be another j/a but with no card access

My DH was useless with money. I eventually got fed up of always saying no to spending so gave him responsibility for paying everything and budgeting for a few months. He managed barely but was unable to save anything.

I then rook responsibility for everything again and over the last year have saved money for mat leave and a holiday. He is given "pocket money" in cash and when it's gone it's gone, tough. And petrol only to be spent from the joint account for him. I do grocery shopping also from j/a.

We have the j/a for wages and bills plus my own account which funds are transferred into by SO each month for non monthly bills, car tax etc as he never budgeted for those and if he can't get it he can't spend it.

We only use that one as I already had it, otherwise it would be another j/a but with no card access

I kind of did when she came round expecting payment and he had been dodging her for a week! I assumed he had paid her but accidentally 'forgot' and chipped in to that too.

So the joint account was wiped out again.

I'm dealing with her now. Which I absolutely hate the fact that in reality he has no fucking responsibility for anything!

Good luckOP.

My Dh is on an ok wage & before he met me he'd go into his overdraft, take out loans etc just because. Nothing to show for it, didnt think about overpaying on mortgage or anything sensible. He never planned for anything or shopped around to get the best deal.

We had an evening were we went through everythimg from the last few months, and worked out a budget from there. We now have it pinned on the fridge and he knows when and where everything is.

No idea why he's so shit with money, bil is amazing & pil are similar!

The double standards are so rife on MN, if a man suggested moving all the money to an account elsewhere whilst only working one day a week and telling the main earner they needed to stop spending from their own earnings he would be crucified. Yet its fine the other way round

The DH doesnt sound happy with the proposed arrangment and shouldnt be forced into it given its his wages!

I also though AIBU was meant to gain opinioins rather than only allowing posts that agree with the OP.

Happy

I don't think they would if explained the specifics of these circumstances.

I have always seen any money coming into this house, where I am a sahm as money to keep us as a family unit going. NOt money that has control or power.

We are all working to a common aim which is to live as well as possible within our means and have a nice life as far as we can within our means and give DC a pleasant enough childhood. who earns the money which parent bungs us £50 at xmas is not relavant.

Yes but Happy he behaves like a child and can't be trusted with money. Why do you think this is normal for a man to behave this way?

Ok then happy. I'll leave dp to it.

We should be evicted in about four months, gas and eleccy cut of next month. I'll start makng my way over to the food bank I'll try and see if I can start to bf again as we won't be able to afford the formula.

But hey! As long as dp can fritter away his wages we will be all good.

We had similar money issues. So i arranged one joint bank account and all DD's to come out the first few days of the month. Then i get out £100 every Friday and we get £50 each a week spends. Sometimes on a Sat/Sun we have a takeaway/lunch out so this comes out of the £100 and the rest is split.

You need to get all the money together at the beginning then pay all the months expenses that you know of first. If there is a bill coming out on the 20th i take the money out for that and pop it in my savings. Then i put it back in just before it's needed. That way you don't think there is more available to you than really is. Then divide up what is left into cash and when it's gone it's gone (i always leave a secret buffer too).

At the beginning of each month i have a brief conversation asking DH whether there is anything unusual we need to budget for that month (sometimes a work trip or something). If so then i allocate enough money or if it's over x amount i say don't use the current account, we'll transfer over from the savings. If i didn't ask and check DH would just pay for it (£2k one month ) from our joint account.

At the end of the month, about a week/10 days before payday i check the account for any surprises. I then inform DH how much is still in there and tell him not to spend more than x as i need y for top up shopping etc.

When i went away one year i had little money so i divided up my money into 14 days equal portions and put them in sealed envelopes. I then wrote the day/date it was for on the front of each and opened one each morning. Not saying do this for each day of the month of course! But it's good to have a physical limit in front of you and a date/time when you know more will be available. If you just have x in the bank it's easy to run thru it all in the first week and then have to borrow. For us Friday works as after the weekend it only seems like a few days away.

We have packed lunches too to eliminate temptation.

Yes. and people aren't agreeing much with your opinions, happy mummy.

I can't cook anything people want to eat, DP can be in charge of cooking
DP can't drive. I'm in charge of driving
I can't stop myself frittering money away. DP is in charge of family finances.

I'm good at decorating while DP always bodges it. I'm in charge of decorating
DP plays guitar. DP is teaching DC to play, not me, because I can't play the guitar.

The above are not me, just hypothetical.

and so it might go on. It is family money. They all have to live off this money just now. Let him have his fritter money if there is enough left over. There is a balance to be struck between how much is for spends and how much is for saving. The OP might be over zealous about saving, for instance. Compromise is needed here. But the bills have to be paid. Loans have to paid off and avoided in the future unless necessary.

happy and once again, I would love to work more. I miss work, I work with kids - I really miss my classes. I've had to pass up a promotion which broke my heart but We can't afford it though. Why do you keep ignoring that.

Someone needs to be in control of the money and it doesn't sound like your DP is able to do it.

Check out a piece of software called You Need A Budget. It allows you to allocate money into different categories so - it calls it 'giving every dollar a job'. So if you look at your bank account you might see £500 and think 'hurray, I can buy x, y and z', but in YNAB you might see £500, of which £300 is to go towards next month's mortgage payment, £100 is for the car loan and £50 is for groceries, so you only really have £ available to spend.

Your DP could have the app on his phone and just check the appropriate category before spending - that way he'd know exactly what was available.

Nrtft.

We have everything go into the joint account. And everything comes out of the joint account. This includes 'pocket money' for each of us which goes into our personal accounts to do as we please with.mIf there is any joint money left at the end of the month, it gets transferred into our joint savings.

DH is crap with money and very open about it, he also hates dealing with shopping and bills, so I do. Therefore I control the finances.

We make decisions together about big purchases, holidays, and various budgets.

Perhaps you could try something like this? Personally I don't see anything wrong with one (more responsible ) half of a couple taking charge of the finances.

Well, I controll ALL our finances, bill paying etc and DH gets "pocket money" - by mutual agreement cos he's crap at it, always was, always will be.

He's better off financially now than he's been in his life, and he's over 50!
(And we've only been together 9 years)

Hell, he's self employed and I even do all his book keeping and banking.....

crazy I will have a look at it

He does do this but on scraps of paper which get lost - but maybe an app on his phone will make it more visual.

I dont want him to have spending money, just use the joint account responsibly!

HappyMummyOfOne You are right of course, double standards are on display.

What needs to happen is OP and DH need to sit down and come to an agreement. She needs to persuade him that letting her manage the money is for the best. Rather than demand/bully/just 'take control'.

If he has half a brain he will realise he is crap with money and 1) agree to OP managing it and 2) start to take a bit more of an active role in managing his day to day spending, as it sounds a bit out of control at the moment.

Although it isn't ideal, I think it is quite normal for one partner to be more proactive in managing the finances? As long as it is done with agreement I can't see the issue.

The thing I really do disagree with though is this: ^"I absolutely hate the fact that in reality he has no fucking responsibility for anything!"

Of course he has no responsibility........ except for going out and earning the vast majority of the money in the first place to feed his family.

We're both not that great at managing and saving (though we're getting better). We live paycheck to paycheck atm.

But, we have a joint account that all money pools into from every possible source of income. Paychecks, gifts, found cash, all go into that account. Then we talk about it, figure out how much we have for bills and then spend as little as possible. We've messed up a couple times, but a few days of eating ramen and macaroni and cheese, and we've learned.

We've both straightened up after I got pregnant because we don't want our daughter eating crappy food because we just didn't budget correctly. We only have 2 accounts, joint and joint savings. I wouldn't be able to keep track of more than that, and I'm not sure he would either. The important thing is, we talk about where our money is going. So if we purchase something, we talk to the other about it, pull out our calculator and figure out if we can reasonably afford it.

We've had a really good track record for a little bit.

I have a spreadsheet from money saving expert for the same purpose as ynab - love my spreadsheet