Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To take full control over dp money/joint bank account.

129 replies

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 12:30

I don't know if I'm being too controlling or not.

Lived with dp for nearly four years. When we both worked we divided money up for bills ect.. But kept our 'own' money. We've had nice holidays, a few dp has paid for as on more money than me.

We handle our money differently -

I plan and budget, where as dp will leave things to the last min and scrape together the money which stresses me the fuck out especially when were hitting dead lines.

I'm now a SAHM so dp is the bread winner. It's the first time in YEARS I haven't had my own money and I'm struggling with it.

I had originally three bank accounts. 1) dd bills. 2) every day expenses 3) savings.
We now have a joint bank account.

Dp is really bad at managing with money, but now he can't live by the seat of his pants and it's frustrating me so much.

His wages go in to his bank account, then he transfers the bill money in to my bill account, shopping money in to my every day account . He has dd coming out of his account which he won't align or set up to come out of my bills account and let me deal with it - so it's staggered through out the month. He is supposed to put the rest in the joint account, which can take days.

He isn't tight with money, he would give me his last penny, but he is so careless with our money.

Were having to borrow money nearly every month of his DM which I hate. When he puts money in the joint account I assume all his bills have been paid then something come up that he has 'forgot' which basically cleans us out because we hadn't budgeted for it when he got paid. Or when we are really watching the money he will go and spend loads at the farmer market on expensive food as a treat !!!!

He borrowed money off mil the other month for a car because she always said don't use the bank because of interest. I wasn't aware of how much. I also wasn't aware of the fucking rate he has to pay her back! Otherwise I would have said no! If we could have afforded the rate we wouldn't have had to borrow. It's fucked us up.

I have since told her we cannot afford it and offered a reasonable amount.

She now comes round and makes me feel like shit. We treated our self to a chippy tea (under a Tenner) and she called round and complained and said I thought you were skint and said we were "living a Champagne life style on a margarine budget " - hardly!

Were behind on the holiday payments. He actually gets a good wage but just spends money on shit!

He blames the fact I have so many accounts and says it confusing and it should all go in one pot !!! WTF!!
HELL NO!!

When he gets paid this month, I want to see wage slip, I want access to his account, his dds,every thing. I can't live like this any more. I also want to put 50% of the joint account money in my savings account and will release it half way through the month so it doesn't get squandered immediately .

I'm i being controlling ?

OP posts:

slithytove · 27/04/2014 14:41

I think giving spending money to you both might be useful, it will teach him out to budget (as long as he doesn't have an overdraft) as well as keeping your ja safe.

It's also nice as a SAHM to have some pocket money which doesn't need to be explained e.g for a haircut or a new dress.

This is just what works for us though, DH would blow through our ja at the first opportunity so he needs to have his own spends.

BMW6 · 27/04/2014 14:42

I am a spreadsheet Queen too...... I know to the penny what our money is spent on, and what bills are coming up that need to be budgeted for (Car Insurance, for example)

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 14:43

longtime of course I've tried to sit and talk it through many many times. There is always a good reason why he "fucked up this month" his words not mine.

It's at the point now where we are having to borrow off other people when we don't need to. That shouldn't be happening. It's embarrassing and puts us behind the next month.

He WILL NOT admit he is crap with money - at all. Just point blank refuses to believe it. Even when we have fuck all in the bank.

Yes he does have the responsibility to bring the cash home, that was harsh what I said, but I'm sick if him messing up and not taking responsibility for it.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 27/04/2014 15:18

I do the same as you are suggesting. I control the money and hide some for a couple of weeks, then move it back in to the main account. There is only one card for it.

We are not well off, but DP sees money in an account as a challenge to spend it, bless him. I realise this and deal with it accordingly.

I go away for days at a time and leave him enough money to last and food in the freeezer. He always runs out of money before I come home and he was asking friends to borrow money from them, or even worse, he was asking me to ask friends.

I have started hiding £10 in a different place every time I go away, then telling him where it is when he asks.

Is it controlling? Probably! Much better than my kids going without food though, because DP has spent money on crap.

Joysmum · 27/04/2014 15:29

I don't see a problem with it if he's in agreement.

It makes sense in a relationship that each person is good and bad at different aspects. It therefore naked sense for each to specialise in what they are good at and free up the other from the things they aren't so good at.

My DH and I are like chalk and cheese. It's great because we complement each other in terms of skills.

What would be controlling us if there wasn't full agreement about who has what responsibility and one or the other enforces or imposes. That would be controlling. Otherwise it's just delegation and specialision and there's nowt wrong with that.

Blondieminx · 27/04/2014 16:59

If they are not joint debts then please don't have them coming out of the joint account...

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 27/04/2014 17:04

Is he one of those people that simply has no idea what he earns compared to what things cost nowadays? My dh is a bit like that. I'll come home with the supermarket shopping and he'll say 'you spent how much?' He's got no bloody idea what the cost of living is now.

jasminemai · 27/04/2014 17:06

I have 100% control of the finances, and its how dh and I like it.

joanofarchitrave · 27/04/2014 17:15

I am shit with money. My dad is shit with money.

After the first bumpy year with a few bad moments, for the next eight years or so of our marriage, I didn't have access to the joint account - because I wanted it that way. I wanted my life to be less stressful and for dh to be able to trust me. Your DP probably doesn't even know how stressed he is about money.

What made the difference initially was seeing dh almost crying over an appalling decision I made. So show your dh how upset you are. Your way is a good way but he is going to have to want to change things, or even if you do it your way, he will just borrow more money from your MIL.

MissDuke · 27/04/2014 17:27

You need to find a solution that you are both happy with. Is he supportive of you being a SAHM (sorry if I missed posts). We also have a few different accounts, and like you, it works well for us. All our money goes into one joint account, then some gets moved into savings by standing orders, our main savings, xmas/holiday savings account and the children's savings. Some also goes to the general shopping/petrol account. This means I cannot go over budget as it is much easier to track spending. Hubby has no interest in the workings of this, so it is all down to me. He hasn't ever accessed our accounts on;line despite knowing how! So we are both happy with this situation. We both rarely spend money on ourselves, and despite a relatively low income, we get by without any money dramas.

Can you make him understand that the alternative would be you working, and he would need to contribute fairly to the childcare costs?

gilliangoof · 27/04/2014 17:35

I think you should just have one account. It's all too complicated and bitty the way you are doing it, too many things to remember.

MissDuke · 27/04/2014 17:39

I don't think different accounts are complicated if they are viewed online regularly, it actually makes it easier for us to track our spending this way as otherwise the joint account statement is massive and hard to break down. Also savings accounts are a must!

froomeonthebroom · 27/04/2014 17:44

Haven't read TFT yet but me and DH put all income into a joint accout from which all bills, food,petrol, stuff for the dcs is paid.

We then have personal accounts where we have the same amount of 'pocket money' each month.

We also have a savings account which has a dd from the joint account every month.

Thid works well because if DH wants to spend all his money in the first few days of the month that's up to him!

PorridgeBrain · 27/04/2014 17:47

Yes you are being controlling but you need to be. You are not in a bad financial situation caused by you being a SAHM, you are not in debt to others because you need to be, it's because the person who is capable of balancing the books, YOU, is not able to. I really hope your DP can be gracious enough to recognise this is necessary and let you take control. Good luck OP.

trixymalixy · 27/04/2014 17:52

One account was a disaster for us. We need a separate account for DDs as DH would see money in the account and spend it not thinking ahead to the DDs that had to come out before the next payday.

DuckworthLewis · 27/04/2014 18:00

I wish people would stop using euphemisms like 'rubbish with money' etc, when what we are actually talking about here is selfishness, thoughtlessness and plain and simple greed.

Your DP needs some help to address these issues, working around them (as you are admirably trying to do) is only ever going to be a sticking plaster.

Just out of interest OP, how is your relationship? I know i would struggle to respect (and by extension, have any physical desire for) a man who behaved in this childish manner.

DuckworthLewis · 27/04/2014 18:03

...and in answer to the question 'am I being controlling?' the answer as I see it is 'yes' but in the same fashion as one might pour all the alcohol in the house down the sink in an attempt to 'cure' an alcoholic.

It's completely understandable, and might work in the short term but:

a) Why should you have to?
b) He should be taking responsibility for his own actions and behaviour.

OMGtwins · 27/04/2014 18:10

Have you tried You Need a Budget? However you decide to do your accounts its a really useful tool because it allows you to see how much of the money sitting your accounts is actually yours to spend instead of already allocated to bills or savings or to things that you need to pay for over more than one month.

Perhaps if you could set it up then show him that (it might help lessen his confusion over the multiple accounts because the program shows your money all in one budget regardless of where it is) it would illustrate to him that you should have spare cash for a holiday/car/whatever and you could then look at ways to reduce the amount of "missing" cash (the stuff that he fritters away) together and see what it is that you're not saving for at the same time.

Does he behave this way with money because he doesn't or doesn't want to see the long term consequences? What is the carrot that will help him change? (as opposed to the stick of being skint that already exists). He might be ignoring it or even thinking "screw it I'm so stressed about money it cant get any worse".

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 18:11

We've just had a row. Yesterday there was £100 in the joint account, there is £1.98 in there now. He can account for £70 but doesn't know where the rest went. I can check on line in a few days apparently!

He is sulking up stairs now. I did go over board but I'm fed up of bring n this position every fucking month.

That money was for petrol / lunches at work . I could strangle him.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 18:13

Have you set a date to sort out your finances?

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 18:13

He is just being selfish!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 18:14

I was just going to wait till pay day on Friday and take the reigns.

OP posts:

Chunderella · 27/04/2014 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 18:21

I actually don't know what to do as if I suggest 'spends' he will say no. Plus I also think it's demeaning . If I give him cash he will spend it. I think he just spends too much on the card with out really realising how much all the little purchases are coming up to.

I think that's probably what's happened with the missing £30 as it wasn't a cash withdrawal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lastpenny · 27/04/2014 18:23

When I check on line it just shows the £100 going in on sat and £50 taken out this morning by ATM. I'm assuming it's card transaction as he put petrol in before on card and it hasn't shown up.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6