To take full control over dp money/joint bank account.

[Lastpenny]

I don't know if I'm being too controlling or not.

Lived with dp for nearly four years. When we both worked we divided money up for bills ect.. But kept our 'own' money. We've had nice holidays, a few dp has paid for as on more money than me.

We handle our money differently -

I plan and budget, where as dp will leave things to the last min and scrape together the money which stresses me the fuck out especially when were hitting dead lines.

I'm now a SAHM so dp is the bread winner. It's the first time in YEARS I haven't had my own money and I'm struggling with it.

I had originally three bank accounts. 1) dd bills. 2) every day expenses 3) savings.
We now have a joint bank account.

Dp is really bad at managing with money, but now he can't live by the seat of his pants and it's frustrating me so much.

His wages go in to his bank account, then he transfers the bill money in to my bill account, shopping money in to my every day account . He has dd coming out of his account which he won't align or set up to come out of my bills account and let me deal with it - so it's staggered through out the month. He is supposed to put the rest in the joint account, which can take days.

He isn't tight with money, he would give me his last penny, but he is so careless with our money.

Were having to borrow money nearly every month of his DM which I hate. When he puts money in the joint account I assume all his bills have been paid then something come up that he has 'forgot' which basically cleans us out because we hadn't budgeted for it when he got paid. Or when we are really watching the money he will go and spend loads at the farmer market on expensive food as a treat !!!!

He borrowed money off mil the other month for a car because she always said don't use the bank because of interest. I wasn't aware of how much. I also wasn't aware of the fucking rate he has to pay her back! Otherwise I would have said no! If we could have afforded the rate we wouldn't have had to borrow. It's fucked us up.

I have since told her we cannot afford it and offered a reasonable amount.

She now comes round and makes me feel like shit. We treated our self to a chippy tea (under a Tenner) and she called round and complained and said I thought you were skint and said we were "living a Champagne life style on a margarine budget " - hardly!

Were behind on the holiday payments. He actually gets a good wage but just spends money on shit!

He blames the fact I have so many accounts and says it confusing and it should all go in one pot !!! WTF!!
HELL NO!!

When he gets paid this month, I want to see wage slip, I want access to his account, his dds,every thing. I can't live like this any more. I also want to put 50% of the joint account money in my savings account and will release it half way through the month so it doesn't get squandered immediately .

I'm i being controlling ?

Does he actually think that things are ok as they are? Surely he must recognise that they aren't?

Will he agree to a trial or doing it your way?

He should hand all money over to you except for an agreed amount each month that stays in his account. Out of that account, he pays MIL. If he misses a payment to his own mother, that is seriously his problem to deal with. You should ignore that debt from here on.

Out of your account, you pay all bills + food, transport, essentials + stuff for dd. Then - and this is important - put a certain % aside as savings. If you feel that money is being frittered, and there should be plenty for bills, dd, food, transport, etc + money left over, then show him how it's done. Show him how much money you can save over a few months. Either hand over the savings accrued to him, or decide what you can spend it on as a family.

Can you give him the benefit of the doubt and start from the position that all purchases are valid, but that there is a priority order and you must have money to pay for the high priority stuff before other things can be bought? Would he agree with that?

I'd be really interested in his reaction to this (and what he tninks the priorities should be) and also to you saying that there wouldn't have to be a priority order if you all had more money than you were spending, but as thats not the case at the moment you have to work together to sort it out.

But if you don't have 'spends' what's the answer? He wont suddenly start sticking to a budget and you will be in this position every month.

With us it was DH's lunches/snacks at work. Some days he was spending £30 a day on a coffee here, a muffin there, lunch, a sausage roll at the station etc. It really added up. We used to go £300 overdrawn every month. now we have £300 left in. All because we do 'spends' and packed lunches (incidentally i see you said the money is for lunches - does he buy lunch out every day as that really adds up - can you not budget lunches in with your food shopping and take leftovers/sandwiches?)

Obviously, if there is something we need we do use our switch cards and we aren't strict at all. Our clothes and shoes etc don't come out of our 'spends'. We just say 'oh i'm buying some trainers for £80' and the other says 'remember we've got that night out booked too this month' and the other might say 'oh okay i'll leave it till next month' or 'i really need them, i've got holes in my others'. This stops me being ridiculous nagging martyr who wont allow myself a tea if i'm out shopping and feeling faint while DH eats pizza express for lunch.

I would take over the finances. I had to do the same with my DH, just after we married. He just didn't keep an eye on his spending and after a long chat, I took over it all. That was 25 years ago and it's worked well.

You have to do something or he will carry on spending money he shouldn't be spending.

OP - YANBU

imho - once you live together as a family the money that you earn does not belong to you, it belongs to your family. It doesn't matter who earns what, money coming into the house should be treated as 'household' income.

I am a manager in a biggish organisation. I take home three times as much as my partner, but I am aware that - to a fairly large degree - I was only able to become a manager and earn the wage that I do because she was a SAHM (and now a part-time worker).

we have a joint account - partner generally controls the finances and it works fine for us.

I'm totally controlling, dh knows this and is happy for me to control banking. Reading this thread it sounds like I'm the worst wife in the world but if that's my worst thing, that I control our bank accounts, and dh is fine with it then surely there is no issue? Dh earns more than me and I do most of the childcare. He earns money for the family not himself so there is no his money and my money.

also - take some time to sit down together and go through all your expenditure with a fine tooth comb. Include EVERYTHING and try to identify potential savings. Someone has mentioned things likes lunches - I have been making my own sandwiches for years. Some people at my work are surprised to see me bring my own lunch in everyday but I'll be stuffed if I'm going to pay someone stupid money for a coffee and a roll, or whatever.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted total control over the finances. If your DH would be happy with that it then it's obviously fine but if not I think that you would be unreasonable to try to insist on it.

I know it's a bit obvious but this can only be resolved if you can both agree on a way of reducing expenditure and/or increasing the household income.

I took over all the banking, bill paying etc etc from DH a couple of years ago because he has issues with spending money

We've never looked back it is alot easier and he is mroe relaxed

I am an accountant and I took over at the start of a long and happy marriage.

You can involve him, but you need a system he can understand. He is obviously worse at this than you are.

It needs to be very simple. I would have just two accounts. One for everything, and one for savings. I would bring all the DDs forward so they all go out at once, at the start of the month.

Then i would give him pocket money. That can be a prepaid card for all his expenses, like the ones you give to kids. They keep a running total so he knows how much he has left. After a couple of months he will learn to live within his budget.

It sounds as if he is very bad at connecting money with what he actually does, IYSWIM. No spreadsheet in the world makes any difference to spenders- the only thing that makes a difference is if they think of buying something, then stop, and walk away. He needs to learn to do this. If his behaviour doesn't change, he will spend exactly as much money- all the spreadsheets do is allow you to have a better-informed argument with him. So maybe, he gets put on packed lunches and you send him to work with a thermos of nice coffee rather than buying Starbucks.

Or whatever. D some analysis of his triggers for overspending. Then try to get him to see that it does matter, so he takes it seriously as a shared goal. He may secretly feel it is "naughty" and exciting to overspend. He needs to see that it is just childish, crap, and annoying. To make your point, I would personally cancel your holiday this year. Make him stay home, and tell him, it's because the money has been frittered away on crap.

Beastofburden- you sound like you are talking about a child...

I know, whatever. That's not now my DH is, btw, but he was pretty rubbish with money 25 years ago. Not now, though .

Yabu and controlling. I get the impression you are missing having your own money so want his to manage because your frustrated at not having you own to deal with. As someone else up thread said if this was a man suggesting doing what you have suggested everyone would be shouting about financial abuse...

Sorry but I don't believe child care for 1child wipes out a ft wage. It sounds like your making excuses not to go back to work because your Dh has a good wage and you think you can afford for you not to work.

peggy I teach children sports. I only get paid from the moment I start my classes which last in two hour sessions. Two hours in the morning - two in the afternoon . 4 hours. I could also do in the evening but there is no one to have dd.

To keep a regular place in cc I would have to pay for four hours in the morning and four hours in the afternoon. So as you see the hours I have to pay for are greater than what I actually earn.

I actually work 5.5 hours on a Saturday so I can keep the door open to go back. Dp has give that day up from work.

Believe what you like you actually don't know nothing.

Peggy - £22k is £68 per day. Childcare per child is £50-£65 round here. Travel is £20 a day. So yes, FT wages often don't cover 1 child.

No you are not. If one person in the relationship I'd crap with money the other needs to take control otherwise you will split over the stress.

beast

I thin your advice is fantastic and will be using some of it on myself too! Its like an addiction and walking away from the cakes or booze

peggy

what is the end goal here, what if she is being controlling? Someone with sense has to control the finances in a relationship or at least lead on it.

We all have different strenghts.

Would he be willing to set up standing orders so the bill money ect is transferred automatically as soon as he gets paid?

You need to sit down together and work out a plan. If he is rubbish with spending, make him spend out of one account only with an allocated amount. My oh is awful with money so he has an account apart from the joint which is his spending account. Any money in that account he can spend as he wishes. I cut up his joint account card so he only has the one debit card.

peggy - if the OP does not start 'controlling' soon then it sounds like her family are going to end up hungry and homeless. Her partner needs to either sort his finances out or give over control to someone with more nous than he has.

priorities are; bills first, then food, then kids, then adults

Exactly mrred .

Where does it end and stop?

Her Dh human rights come before whole family ending up on street due to his stupidity, but it was his right.

Actually when a woman posts a thread like this, the responses usually include something like 'Providing you're not getting massively into debt, YANBU....'

This man is a Micawber. He believes something will turn up, and in his case it's usually his mother. It's pretty controlling to ensure that your family live at the behest of your parent, I think.

This is what were are going to start off with...

When dp gets paid the wages get divided up in to bills, food as was. His dd will get transferred to my bills account I will take care of them.

Petrol will come out of his account. to be reviewed next month

The money which left to go in JC will go in. We both will download the same money tracker app and input every single penny. When dp gets in from work, we will both tally up. Talk and discuss about expenses.

If this fails, which I really don't want it to, because I want him to be responsible, I will then take the whole reigns.

The impulse buying from him has to stop. I hope/think this will stop this. We will have a super tight month in May as it's dds birthday and have a lot planned. I could cancel stuff but I want to use this as a test.

I've dented his pride a bit tonight, we've cuddled and made up, hope it gets better from here. >>

Thanks for suggestions and help!

This man is a Micawber. He believes something will turn up, and in his case it's usually his mother

Absolutely ! That is basically the convo we had before.