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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re: sister and financial situation

94 replies

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:34

Ok, so first, a little background: ( I'm not sure how much is relevant but don't want to dripfeed). Sister and I both have children, similar ages. She has two, at school, I have three, one not quite at school age, other 2 at school. I'm married, sister engaged. 5 years between us. Sister has never worked, her DP is in a dead end low paid job, although he occasionally makes noises about changing career he never does. My DH has a trade and works a lot of hours to keep us afloat and to allow us a (low key) holiday every year. We're not well off, but we do Ok. I've recently gone back to work for added financial security (not ideal as would love to be at home with youngest, but it is only part time). I also do DH's books to save accountancy fees. Sister doesn't drive, I do.

So my parents help out my sister, a lot, because of their (self inflicted, IMO) financial postion. To the point that they are unable to help us as much. For instance, my Mum offered to help with childcare for my youngest when I went back to work, but was unable to because of a commiment to taxi services for DSister. Family events are always at our house (Mum's is too small and sister couldn't possibly afford it) and we never get more of a contribution than a bottle of pop and barely a thanks. It's always excused because of their 'position'. Also, if we ever arrange to go out with the children, I have to collect and drop off, either that or the cousins don't see each other.

So all of this, although I can be resentful and frustrated sometimes, I can cope with, but (and this is the AIBU) my 'big one' is coming up and my DM has made a lovely suggestion that us girls should do something. The 'something' comes at a cost of £100 each, which my DM has generously said will be her treat as my present, however as DSis is in 'a difficult financial position' she is going to pay £50 towards hers and £50 towards mine, so that she doesn't miss out. As compensation for this she has said she will do the same on DSis's for me (in 5 years time). I'm surprisingly pissed off about this. Almost like the final straw. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:36

Sorry, should have also said that Dsis and family don't go without. Her DP has an expensive car, they go away every year and can afford a lot more take aways than we can. Priorities I suppose.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 26/04/2014 18:39

Yanbu.
I can see why your DM did it - she is trying to be fair, but dammit surely the whole point of having a treat on a landmark birthday is just that - it's a treat for person having the birthday.

Can you afford the £50? Do you want to? I'd be tempted to say that money is tight and you can't afford £50 so just to leave it and do something that everyone can afford. Or tell her that you'd like to do something just the two of you and would understand if Dsis wanted the same for her birthday.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2014 18:41

Think you need to focus on what you have rather than your sister.

whatever5 · 26/04/2014 18:44

I don't blame you for feeling annoyed. In effect she is giving your sister half the present she was going to give you. It might be a bit childish but I would probably say that I would prefer a different birthday present and then suggest something that didn't involve my sister being treated....

WellitsAllGoneNow · 26/04/2014 18:44

YABU. How would you honestly feel if your sister was unable to join you for this birthday treat that your mum wanted to be for all the 'girls'? Your mum presumably can only afford to pay £100 extra so she has split it between you in order to ensure you will both be there.

And I find your attitude towards her lifestyle a little bit too judgy. And contradictory.

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:46

That's a good idea rookie. We haven't really got £50 spare - there's a lot of other things that should take priority.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:48

I know expat - I try. But what we have isn't down to luck

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Goggleboxfan · 26/04/2014 18:49

It sounds like your sister and her DP expect everyone else to subsidise their decision to have a low income.

I used to know someone a bit like this; she didn't work as she didn't want to, and her DH worked the bare minimum of hours in a supermarket as he 'didn't want to work full time'. I got fed up of meeting up with her as she always expected me to pay for drinks and soft play entry, and always asked me for my DCs old clothes for her DCs. She had a real sense of entitlement about it too.

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:50

But she could Well - she just chooses to prioritise her money differently, which is frustrating when it affects others. A couple less take aways between now and then (we're a few months away) and she could afford it.

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Preciousbane · 26/04/2014 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 26/04/2014 18:54

I would just tell your mum that you don't have £50 in yhe budget to buy your own birthday present.

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 18:55

I suppose I get more frustrated at my DM for subsidising her all the time. If she didn't then she might feel compelled to get a job, learn to drive etc and we'd be able to have a more normal, balanced, family life. Maybe that's wishful thinking though

OP posts:

BolshierAyraStark · 26/04/2014 18:55

YANBU & in your position I'd tell it to your mum exactly as it is-your parents are enabling her behaviour.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/04/2014 18:56

I can totally empathise with your situation OP. I am very fond of my sister but, like yours she has, to some extent, chosen to be on a low income. My mother and I have always subsidised her.

It has taken my teenage daughter to point out that I am, in lots of ways, enabling her to make poor life choices. It is difficult to walk away though, when you care about someone.

whatever5 · 26/04/2014 18:59

To be fair to your mother, it could be that your sister doesn't want to spend £100 doing something for your birthday (I know I wouldn't) and so your mother offered to pay half so that she would agree to go. If you're not happy I would just suggest a different birthday present.

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 19:03

Cancel doing the thing, because if you have to pay for it, it'll annoy you and you won't enjoy it anyway. If your mum has a £100 budget for a gift for you, say you'd rather have something that's roughly that value.

I also think it might be worth having a chat with your mum and saying it feels like favouritism with your sister, there is always the temptation to help the one who seems to need it the most, but the knock on effect is that the whole family are making sacrifices for someone else's lifestyle choices. (And your dsis and dm might not recognise that they are choices)

Davsmum · 26/04/2014 19:05

Neither you or your sister should expect any help at all,..but be very grateful for any help you get.
If you resent that family events are always at your house,..then stop having them,..or accept the reasons why they are!

Re your birthday, It depends how much you want your sister to do the 'something' with you - You could just do it yourself and your Mum could treat you.
If you would rather just have the money spent on you, then tell your Mum you don't want to do the 'special thing' and would prefer a gift you can keep.

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 19:06

Oh and you know when it's your dsis's landmark birthday, you are going to be expected to pay for it all, not half, don't you? Nip it in the bud, your dm is used to focussing on her dc who needs help, she's not noticed she's got another one who might not be as needy, but might like some effort/attention.

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 19:08

I'd suggested that me and my DMum just do the thing and do something else cheaper another time with DSis. But I think Dsis pulled a pout because this is the suggestion that DMum has come back with. To be honest I'm not fussed about it, it's something that DMum really wants to do.

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cithkadston · 26/04/2014 19:10

I sympathise.

I have now gone virtually non contact with my parents, as they blatantly favour my sister. They provide my sister with free childcare, completely kit out her kids with clothes and shoes all the time, and always give her money and other items. What's annoying too is that I am expected to facilitate and accommodate this. My mum refuses to even have my children for half an hour whilst I go to parents' evening, yet will have my sisters' children for days on end so that my sister and her husband can "have a break".

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 19:10

Mary - when it's DSis bday I will not only pay for myself, but half of DSis's, because that is what sister do. sigh

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Icelollycraving · 26/04/2014 19:11

I think you should say you would rather do something less expensive. Then if she asks why,tell her you appreciate her help but she enables your sister & you are starting to feel a bit irritated.

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/04/2014 19:15

To cancel is a great idea, the resentment you feel will be a shadow cast over your special Birthday anyway and I dont blame you for it. I would be pissed off too.

LIZS · 26/04/2014 19:15

so part of your present is that your sister comes at dm's expense?

Original poster

Miren · 26/04/2014 19:19

And mine LIZS. If Dsis could afford it I wouldn't need to pay £50

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