re: sister and financial situation

[Miren]

Ok, so first, a little background: ( I'm not sure how much is relevant but don't want to dripfeed). Sister and I both have children, similar ages. She has two, at school, I have three, one not quite at school age, other 2 at school. I'm married, sister engaged. 5 years between us. Sister has never worked, her DP is in a dead end low paid job, although he occasionally makes noises about changing career he never does. My DH has a trade and works a lot of hours to keep us afloat and to allow us a (low key) holiday every year. We're not well off, but we do Ok. I've recently gone back to work for added financial security (not ideal as would love to be at home with youngest, but it is only part time). I also do DH's books to save accountancy fees. Sister doesn't drive, I do.

So my parents help out my sister, a lot, because of their (self inflicted, IMO) financial postion. To the point that they are unable to help us as much. For instance, my Mum offered to help with childcare for my youngest when I went back to work, but was unable to because of a commiment to taxi services for DSister. Family events are always at our house (Mum's is too small and sister couldn't possibly afford it) and we never get more of a contribution than a bottle of pop and barely a thanks. It's always excused because of their 'position'. Also, if we ever arrange to go out with the children, I have to collect and drop off, either that or the cousins don't see each other.

So all of this, although I can be resentful and frustrated sometimes, I can cope with, but (and this is the AIBU) my 'big one' is coming up and my DM has made a lovely suggestion that us girls should do something. The 'something' comes at a cost of £100 each, which my DM has generously said will be her treat as my present, however as DSis is in 'a difficult financial position' she is going to pay £50 towards hers and £50 towards mine, so that she doesn't miss out. As compensation for this she has said she will do the same on DSis's for me (in 5 years time). I'm surprisingly pissed off about this. Almost like the final straw. AIBU?

Because surely it is rude to dictate what someone else spends their money on. Her mother may then decide to buy her something else, but she can't say I don't want this gift, but get me this one instead.

Jees... she's just posted on FB that they're waiting for Dominos. Bet that cost £50.

**

Do you really want to spend your life resenting every penny your sister spends? I suspect they had a voucher but it really isn't any of your business.

For your own sake focus on what you have rather than wat she has.

I think the idea suggested by someone that you ask for your parents to babysit over night as your present is a great idea.

But even if you don't do that, I would tell her you don't want to go.

I understand how you feel. Me and my sister made different choices in life and she certainly benefits from parental financial contributions.

She didn't really try at school, didn't get any qualifications after school, met a bit of a waster (who turned out to be a massive twat) and had two children that she couldn't really afford.

I went to Uni and got my degree, I'm married to another professional and we live in a nice house etc.

However, me and DH are not 'well off' by any means. We earn enough each month to enable us to pay our bills and have the occasional treat but we certainly don't live a luxurious lifestyle. We haven't had a holiday in 3 years....we didn't even have a honeymoon because we couldn't afford one.

My sister however is always on the receiving end of our dad giving her money. Over the years he must have bailed her out God knows how many times, I reckon she's had thousands off him.

I don't begrudge it her and I love her very much - there isn't any resentment or jealously exactly but it does annoy me sometimes.

Philosophy - yes, it is rude to dictate what someone spends their money on, which is exactly what DM is doing to OP, albeit in a roundabout way. She is making OP spend £50 she cannot afford in order that DSis can go on an outing of DM's choosing that happens to be on OP's birthday!
Why on earth would OP want her profligate sister there anyway? Why can't she just have a nice day with her mother without freeloading sister there?
of course OP can say she does not want this "gift" because it is a gift with strings attached, namely that she has to basically subsidise DSis.
Another one who thinks guitar's suggestion is great and would love to see DM try to wriggle out of it.
Sadly, DM favours DSis. She does this blatantly and covertly from the examples given. It's horrible and it really hurts to have to acknowledge this, but nothing is ever going to change the way she feels.

Philosphy, I can see what you are saying, but by expecting other people to fund/support her lifestyle, the ops dsis has opened all her personal spending and choices to family scrutiny.

The op is expected to pay £50 to fund her sis attending a "birthday treat", because there is no way the sis can afford it, of course it's going to be annoying to realise you are spending that £50 because your sis could afford it, but has decided to spend her money on something else, working on someone else paying for her. (It would be perfectly reasonable for her dsis to say she didn't want to go if she'd rather spend her money on something else, but to say she can't afford it and expect someone else to fund her place so she can still spend her money elsewhere is grabby)

Philosphy it's all very rude to announce to someone that you are getting them a gift and then to say "oh and you need to pay for half of it".

In this case I don't blame the Dsis - if I was short of funds ( for whatever reason) I'd be a bit reluctant to spend £100 on an activity that I didn't much fancy.

It sounds more like the DM has wanted to do something and is railroading it through, without much enthusiasm from either OP or Dsis.

Maybe the mother sees it as contributing to a gift, which is hardly rude. Is it so different from buying a voucher?

My siblings have all made different "choices" than me and have less as a result . In reality I have had a run of good luck and can't imagine begrudging them a share of that.

Totally different to a voucher as a) the £50 has to be paid and b) the activity is something the DM wants to do (she suggested something less expensive) not the birthday girl.

I think philoslothy that the dm had offered the whole £100 "outing" to the op and has now renaged on £50 to give that the dsis - so has essentially given a gift then talen half for the dsis.

But philoslothy the Op's being asked to contribute to her own birthday present!

The maths is no different to the DM paying for the sister's day out and paying half for OP when it's op's birthday. Why on earth should OP fund her own present?

And in five years time OP gets to do the same but instead of laying £50 then she gets to pay £150.

And if DSis laid off the Dominoes a bit she could pay her own way.

OP talk to your mum about the whole thing.

I would go along with DM's present. But have a talk to her, somewhere without interruptions, and explain that you are trying to increase your income but it is difficult without childcare etc and that you would greatly appreciate some help but that she always favours DSis, give examples.

You are complaining but don't seem to want to make changes. I would stop the family get togethers at yours due to the cost if that is what you feel.

Without slagging off DSis explain you are hurt. But I dont' really think things will change but at least you have made your feelings known to DM (which she might repeat to DSis) and then it is up to DM if she helps more or not.

Perhaps if you were spending less time with them you wouldn't know all that goes on and then be less bothered. And watching on FB is winding you up so stop.

These scenarios with one DC being helped usually go back to childhood - was she less bright than you at school?, and are hard to change.

Well if she doesn't fancy the activity she should just say so. Although I can't imagine that if someone spent their money buying a gift that would say that it wasn't good enough for me.

I would not be offended by contributing to my own present, it isn't different from getting a voucher towards something . I often get my nephews and nieces vouchers, should have realised that I was committing yet another MN sin.

Philoslothy it isn't the same as vouchers, nor is the OP saying thr day out isn't good enough for her.

Vouchers are totally different in that the recipient gets to choose what to buy with them and whether to supplement them if they want something more expensive.

None of this applies here.

Ultimately you have three options.

1. Explain how you feel to your mum.
2. Stop minding about this, if you can.
3. Stop seeing them.

Which is the most realistic for you?

I have bought vouchers for the following:
Driving lessons
Meals out
Holidays
Weekends away
Spa days
Cinema trip

All can only be spent on one thing.

Many of those would need supplementing. So I bought my nephews and nieces a series of driving lessons, that would need adding to. I also gave them lump sums towards a car, they probably added to that.

Well if it is something that the OP wants to do, she is getting it for half price. It must be quite extravagant to be £100. Sounds like quite a nice gift to me.

YANBU!! This would really annoy me.

DH sister is exactly the same. Apart from they both work and now live in a council house. No idea what they do with their money. MIL got her inheritance when her dad died. She has very little left now because SIL has had most of it - FIL told DH. In fact when we got married they gave us money towards our wedding, they also gave SIL the same amount! Sigh! They paid for all of her wedding.

I know how you feel, DH feels the same.

I think YANBU. You are effectively getting half the birthday present your mum had planned to give you so your sister can join in on your treat. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

But Philos would you be happy if you were asked for £50 for your birthday present?

Philos, OP isn't getting it for half price though if she's paying £100 because she's also subsidising the sister.

Yanbu

My DSis and DCousins are like this.

For years I didn't let it bother me.

But now thier dependancy, entitlement and refusal to take personal responsibility for their finances and fertility got too much. I have no respect for them and nothing in common with them so I don't speak to them. Only a polite hello and goodbye when I have to.

It's so frustrating to be expected to subsidise someone else's life choices, or watch your parents do it, make excuses for it, then continue to enabler thier behaviour.

When you are an adult, I don't think its any of your business what your parents do or do not do for a sibling and it is not a siblings business what your parents do for you.

It IS your business if YOU are expected to do something you do not want to do - and you have every right to say No if you do not agree with a sister being involved in your birthday treat.

It is not easy for a parent to treat their grown up children the same - their children are not the same and I think they have their own reasons for whatever they do or do not do for each of their children.