re: sister and financial situation

[Miren]

Ok, so first, a little background: ( I'm not sure how much is relevant but don't want to dripfeed). Sister and I both have children, similar ages. She has two, at school, I have three, one not quite at school age, other 2 at school. I'm married, sister engaged. 5 years between us. Sister has never worked, her DP is in a dead end low paid job, although he occasionally makes noises about changing career he never does. My DH has a trade and works a lot of hours to keep us afloat and to allow us a (low key) holiday every year. We're not well off, but we do Ok. I've recently gone back to work for added financial security (not ideal as would love to be at home with youngest, but it is only part time). I also do DH's books to save accountancy fees. Sister doesn't drive, I do.

So my parents help out my sister, a lot, because of their (self inflicted, IMO) financial postion. To the point that they are unable to help us as much. For instance, my Mum offered to help with childcare for my youngest when I went back to work, but was unable to because of a commiment to taxi services for DSister. Family events are always at our house (Mum's is too small and sister couldn't possibly afford it) and we never get more of a contribution than a bottle of pop and barely a thanks. It's always excused because of their 'position'. Also, if we ever arrange to go out with the children, I have to collect and drop off, either that or the cousins don't see each other.

So all of this, although I can be resentful and frustrated sometimes, I can cope with, but (and this is the AIBU) my 'big one' is coming up and my DM has made a lovely suggestion that us girls should do something. The 'something' comes at a cost of £100 each, which my DM has generously said will be her treat as my present, however as DSis is in 'a difficult financial position' she is going to pay £50 towards hers and £50 towards mine, so that she doesn't miss out. As compensation for this she has said she will do the same on DSis's for me (in 5 years time). I'm surprisingly pissed off about this. Almost like the final straw. AIBU?

I don't think you should go tbh.

Why would you spend £50 of your own money to do something that is more your DMs thing than your own? I would ask for something that you want or maybe vouchers and suggest a shopping outing for just the two of you and then a cheap meal with Dsis.

I would just tell your mum that you can't justify spending £50 on that so you'd rather cancel.

My ILs are similar never have any money according to them but always can afford holidays and to go out whereas we did without.

It's a great opportunity to tell your mum that you don't have £50 spare at the moment. It points out that you don't have unlimited funds either!

In this particular case, I'd move to cancel.

Sounds like DM is thinking of herself first (and DSis) second when it comes to your birthday treat! And you aren't going to enjoy it because you feel that she prioritises your sister over you and subsidises her lifestyle while not helping you out.
So YANBU. Not at all. It is very galling when one sibling fritters away their money and the parent makes excuses for this. Expensive cars and holidays abroad - it doesn't sound as if they are short of a bob or two!
Tell DM you would rather have X for your birthday (to the value of £100) and leave it at that. And never mind what DSis says. IF DM quibbles, tell her you cannot afford £50 for something that was her idea and is supposed to be her treat for you. And remind her that you can't afford holidays abroad!
(but remember neither she or your sister are going to change)

Can you have a conversation about this with your mum?

I think you are NBU, my family dynamic is similar. Perception that my sister is badly off and needs subsidising. I genuinely don't think my parents realised how much resentment this left me feeling until we had a full and frank chat.

I think YABU and need to be careful about who you are hurting here. It sounds like your mum wants a nice day out with her daughters, a nice time for you all to enjoy and remember. If you cant afford the extra £50 then tell her, but if you are just annoyed that she is paying for your sister too then i think you sound a bit childish to be honest.

My family is like this. My mum has subsidised my sister's life and marriage for a decade now. I just ignore it. I don't want money from her. But I am worried about what might happen to the handful of (inexpensive) family items I would really like to remember my parents by when they pass on.
I don't want money and I don't want to fight. But it will all get tied up into a big fight about who gets what and I am dreading it.

My view OP is - do what YOU want for YOUR birthday. If someone can't afford it or doesn't fancy it then that is unfortunate but it is YOUR day, not theirs. Just do what you would enjoy and don't try to make everyone else happy.

YANBU.

I have a family member like this, she's had so much help raising her dcs it's unreal, if she fancies a week away all she has to do is ask, we get nowhere near the same amount of support (( nor would I want it tbh, I do have some pride )) eg ds is almost 13 and had never even been to his Aunts for tea, the same Aunt who has FM dd constantly.

I wouldnt want that level of support, as I said, I some pride, but does it rankle ?? Too soddin right it does !!

Yanbu

I can totally understand why you're annoyed. Very similar situation in my family except that there is 4 of us and 2 of the siblings get everything done for them by my parents because of 'their situation', only difference is that myself and my sister have eachother to talk to about the unfairness of it all! So the way I deal with the smaller gifts and the constant worry of my parents about my siblings is :
1 I am my own person. I have worked hard and get by month after month without any help from my folks. When I call or visit them it is to say hi, not for any help or to cause concern.
2 when my parents pass away I will have no regrets about how I behaved or treated them and I know they are proud of me.
3 I would always rather be the person that does without this or that if it means I am not a burden to anyone else in my life.
Took me a long time to lose the resentment and it does sometime raise its ugly head. But I'm happy and believe it or not I now get on really well with my whole family despite getting lottery ticket for my birthday when I spend a fortune on them! ;)

Thank you for your post Aberdeen3, really appreciate you taking the time to write that

I think, in your position, that I would say to my mum that I would really like to spend my special birthday going away for the night with my husband and can your present to me please be to have the DCs for the weekend.

Your mum can stay at your place if there isn't enough space to have all your children at hers. It removes the whole money thing and your sister from the equation and you and DH get some time to yourselves.

Asymmetries in income can make family dynamics really difficult.

My sister and her DH are very well off, b/c of their career choices. My DH and I are not well off, b/c of ours. All 4 of us work hard, so that's different from your situation, but I do get how it can create problems when there's a great opportunity to do something fun that only one sister can actually afford to do.

My parents have always treated us exactly the same. If they gave us each a gift of money, they'd never give me more than her, even though for me a gift of $100 would be a huge deal, whereas my sister literally would not notice the difference in her bank balance. But I wouldn't want them to give me more and her less, b/c no one else should be paying for my choices. We've largely avoided the family-dynamic problems that the disparity in our incomes could create by only doing things we can all afford, or by sister and mom doing things I can't afford without me. I think that's really the only way to deal with it -- keep it fair.

I don't think you are at all unreasonable for being so tired of the unfair treatment, but it also doesn't sound like either your mom or your sister is likely to change, so agree with Katie's idea -- I'd just decline your mom's offer and suggest that she spend the $100 on something you want.

And as Aberdeen said you can be proud of making your own way. It is a more fulfilling way to live. I know that's not that comforting in the face of the unfair treatment though.

Jees... she's just posted on FB that they're waiting for Dominos. Bet that cost £50.

£50?! I've never had it without a voucher.

Yeah mine went to Lapland for 3 nights when they had "no money"... and why didn't we pay for one of our to go with them!

Miren - see, lifestyle choices, your DSis cant afford the £50 because of choices they have made, but she will never admit that when she doesn't have money for stuff, it's because they have made the choice that has led to that.

That is your Dsis's choice, and she's not wrong for deciding she and her DH would rather have takeaways than a posh day out for your birthday, but you don't have to subsidise her to allow her to do both.

So stick to your guns, say "thanks but no thanks" to you mum, and perhaps have that chat about how she treats you in relation to how she treats her other DD. (In my experience, it's not the not getting help/money/gifts that's the problem, it's always not getting it in relation to someone else getting it).

I'd try to separate a little, your sister's choices are going to annoy you the closer you are to them.

YANBU. A lot of people have already gone over why you're not so I won't repeat unnecessarily, but I will add my commiserations for the frustration of dealing with family who "never have money" but who also can somehow afford the things that you as the supposedly 'better off' family cannot. As it happens I have inlaws a bit like that, we also don't get help either (though I'd be inclined to tell them where to stick it).

YANBU. I work with someone like this, she is v jealous when anyone goes on holiday etc but she spends her money on things I wouldn't (lots of girls nights out!).

YANBU. Guitargirl's suggestion about your mum taking the DC for you to have a weekend away is a good one (Premier Inn have I think 2 days left of a 4-day sale, have a look...). I would definitely refuse the offer of the activity where she will sub both of you £50 - and I would be candid in saying why: you aren't actually bothered about it so it doesn't feel much like a treat for you, and in addition, it doesn't feel like much of a treat for you if your sister is getting it on exactly the same terms. The poster who said you will be expected to cough up the full amount in 5 years' time is spot on, and I'd say that to your mum too if she protests about it.

YANBU - to be honest, I'd ditch the lot of them as that level of unfairness would drive me crazy.

Luck is always a factor in what we do and don't have.

Surely you want your sister to attend.

I would not mind paying the £50, if I could not afford it I would say so and tell my mother not to worry about a present.

Philos, I don't understand why if the OP can't or doesn't want to afford £50 towards her own birthday present, she should tell her DM not to give her a present at all .

I'd definitely not do the thing that's been arranged, explain to your mum that although you want to spend time with her and your sister you feel aggravated by the way she prioritises her spending. Your birthday present is not your present anymore because of it and therefore it feels wrong that it goes ahead. Instead, suggest a cheaper alternative that your sister can afford because then your mum will see that you are not being spiteful or jealous. And suggest that you and your mum do the original planned activity as your birthday treat.

This situation happens in my family a lot, not with my siblings but with other family members. We often have to hear sob stories about how skint so and so are and how they are struggling to buy things for the baby, yet they are jetting off to the Maldives soon for a 'break'. My mum is babysitting. It grinds on me something chronic.

'Because I don't want to' should not be allowed to be a reason for people who cannot afford their lifestyle not to work. It pisses me off how some people work their backsides off and people who are less well off have the expectation that they will just be looked after. There's supporting family and then there's taking the piss.