re: sister and financial situation

[Miren]

Ok, so first, a little background: ( I'm not sure how much is relevant but don't want to dripfeed). Sister and I both have children, similar ages. She has two, at school, I have three, one not quite at school age, other 2 at school. I'm married, sister engaged. 5 years between us. Sister has never worked, her DP is in a dead end low paid job, although he occasionally makes noises about changing career he never does. My DH has a trade and works a lot of hours to keep us afloat and to allow us a (low key) holiday every year. We're not well off, but we do Ok. I've recently gone back to work for added financial security (not ideal as would love to be at home with youngest, but it is only part time). I also do DH's books to save accountancy fees. Sister doesn't drive, I do.

So my parents help out my sister, a lot, because of their (self inflicted, IMO) financial postion. To the point that they are unable to help us as much. For instance, my Mum offered to help with childcare for my youngest when I went back to work, but was unable to because of a commiment to taxi services for DSister. Family events are always at our house (Mum's is too small and sister couldn't possibly afford it) and we never get more of a contribution than a bottle of pop and barely a thanks. It's always excused because of their 'position'. Also, if we ever arrange to go out with the children, I have to collect and drop off, either that or the cousins don't see each other.

So all of this, although I can be resentful and frustrated sometimes, I can cope with, but (and this is the AIBU) my 'big one' is coming up and my DM has made a lovely suggestion that us girls should do something. The 'something' comes at a cost of £100 each, which my DM has generously said will be her treat as my present, however as DSis is in 'a difficult financial position' she is going to pay £50 towards hers and £50 towards mine, so that she doesn't miss out. As compensation for this she has said she will do the same on DSis's for me (in 5 years time). I'm surprisingly pissed off about this. Almost like the final straw. AIBU?

I honestly wouldn't mind this. My brother is a terrific earner in London now but there were times in the past my husband and I outearned him by a lot. I also have friends who aren't in the financial position we are and I have always just accepted that that is the way it is, adjusted activities accordingly, helped out when I'm able to etc. I wouldn't call her position "self inflicted", she just made different decisions about her family to you.

[[Slainte Sun 27-Apr-14 09:17:22
But Philos would you be happy if you were asked for £50 for your birthday present?]]

Would not bother me in the slightest, I would be very grateful that someone had paid £50 and then paid for my sister to join me as well.

I'd be annoyed.
Imagine mum buys you a box of chocolates and then gives a layer of them to your sister. Regardless of who can afford what, she shouldnt be giving half of your present to your sister.

You need to stop focussing on how dsis "wastes" her money though, its only going to make you angrier and you cant do anything about it.

If you don't particularly want to do the mysterious thing, just tell your DM that.

Why don't you suggest that, as it's something she'd like to do, that you and your sister take her for her next landmark birthday.

And I think the idea of taking the DC overnight, so you can get away is a lovely one. It's not grabby, as there is little monetary cost to her; you are just asking for her time.

Philoshav you read the bit where the OP says she can't afford to spend £50 for a birthday treat she has neithr chosen nor asked for in order that her mother can then "treat" her sister?
You clearly have a financial situation where £50 would not be difficult to find. This is not the case here. You also appear to get on well with your sister; again this is not the case in this situation, where the OP is upset because her mother deliberately favours her sister.
Actually, from all the OP has said, the sister sounds like she can come up with £50 more easily than she can - expensive cars, holidays abroad, ordering in Dominos.

Philos - not really in your driving lesson example, while the person taking them might need more lessons, I would assume they could use those lessons and then if they couldn't afford to spend any more, they just didnt have more lessons. It's rather unlike the OP's situation, she has to spend £50 she doesnt have to 'have a treat' she wouldn't chose for herself. There's no "just do the first bit of it" or "just say thank you and never use the voucher" option, this is a request for £50 to pay for her DSis to join them at an event, when the Dsis won't be charged on the grounds she can't afford it, but clearly could if she wanted too.

So the Dsis gets to do what she wants with the understanding in the family everyone else will go without to make sure she doesn't. She doesn't have to chose, other people will ensure she gets to have both.

If you want to make sure your family members don't have to chose between doing two things based on finances, funding the difference, and you can easily afford it, then fine, fill your boots. The problem comes in cases like this, when parents decide that everyone in the family will shield one member from the concequences of their choices, even if that puts them out.

There's a world of difference between being the one to offer financial/physical support, and just having it assumed you'll put the person who 'needs' it first.

Oh and while it's easy to be 'generous' if there's a siginficant difference in lifestyles and income, or if there's a significant difference in opportunity, but when one party is struggling themselves, just not as much, and could do with some help, or can clearly see the other could change their position easily so they wouldn't need to monopolise all the family resources, its upsetting.

Yanbu. The most pertinent fact is that this activity is that your dmum fancies doing and what's more she wants to do it with both of her daughters. To dress this up as a special birthday gift for you is a bit of her.

I would say to her "Look Mum, let's do it for dsis's birthday. I'll be happy to pay my way towards that. But for my birthday, could I have an x, y or z?" and choose something modest and worth about £50 that you'd really like.

It sounds to me as though your Mum is slightly over-involved in both your lives!

Op I would speak to your DM and I would leave any talk about your DSis out of it. The more I think about it, your issue is with your DM - she picked an activity you don't particularly want to do, she forced your birthday celebration to be a bonding activity with her and Dsis and she is also trying to dictate how you spend your money.

Say something like "DM I have been thinking, I don't really want to do X activity enough to spend £50 on it. What I would really love for my special birthday is to do Y with you ( less expensive activity and involve Dsis or not as you see fit) and something I would love is to have the opportunity to spend the night away with DH. If you were able to babysit for us that would be wonderful."

I agree it is odd if she cannot afford the £50. In those circumstances I would say thanks but no thanks and not to worry about a gift. If her mother then chooses to buy her something else, that is lovely.

Maybe the mother senses tension and is trying to facilitate a day out for them all.

For the record some of my siblings drive me mad and I could probably store up lots of negativity questioning their choices.

Fine if the mother wants to "facilitate a day out" but that isn't what is happening here - it is the OP's birthday treat, which is entirely different. £50 is a lot of money and many people cannot afford to fritter this away.
And this is not about the mother and what she may or may not want. It about the OP, who is being made to feel terrible by her mother. It sounds like the mother supports DSis and thus is a major cause of the tension, and this is just making things worse.

The OP is not 'being made to feel terrible' by her mother. People cannot make you feel terrible. Its something within you, if that is how you feel. You can't blame someone for how you feel or react to something.

Disagree totally - of course you can be made to feel terrible by the words or actions of others! Unless you are completely insensitive, of course. Thoughtless or cruel words/actions can be very wounding indeed. especially if you feel a parent does not love you as much as a sibling, because that is like the ultimate rejection.

I would suggest you say "I am sorry Mum but I just cannot run to £50. We are very tight for money actually. I don't know where you get this idea that we are the rich ones of the family. DC3's childcare uses up nearly all my wages so we are virtually on one wage like DSis is.* I certainly don't have £50 to spend on a birthday present to myself. Why don't we forget it? But thanks, it's a lovely idea!"

*delete this if you think it's too PA.

katiekaye As an adult in this situation - you cannot blame someone else for how you feel. Perhaps it is a case of being oversensitive.
You have a choice - you can dwell on it or you can try to understand it.

I doubt OPs mother is trying to hurt her! I think she is rather trying to keep everyone happy and do her best.
Perhaps OP should try looking at it from her mother's side of things instead of feeling 'terrible'

Sympathies, as I have a family member who is a lot less well-off than they could be - even though they have a well paying professional job. My family member works very pt, has a DH who is an eternal student and they also give quite a lot of money away to an organisation they are involved in. Consequently they are always on the look out for hand-me-downs and freebies, which gets frustrating.

I've been dealing with a similar situation. House teen's father blatantly favours older daughter who works full time and I've seen how this wounds the younger DSD who us a student. He gave his DD1 a birthday present but not DD2 (aka House Teen, my BFs daughter) He makes his D D1 feel less worthy of his love and it is heartbreaking to try to reassure her that she is a wonderful young woman who doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. And he definitely doesn't deserve her as a daughter!