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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think dd2's friend may have stolen from her.AIBU to talk to school - or not to do so?

108 replies

Northernlurker · 25/04/2014 22:41

Dd2 (13) had her purse in one lesson today, in her bag at the side of the classroom under a bench. In the next lesson, after lunch, one of her friendship group said she had found her bus pass type card in the previous lesson's classroom. Dd went to put it back in her purse and found it missing. She retraced her steps and checked at the office - nothing. On the way home she and another friend met the girl who found the bus pass who came running over saying she had found dd's purse on top of some lockers. Dd looked in it. It still contained a Next gift card which only had £1 on it. Her 'emergency' £5 and £5 another girl had paid her as sponsorship money for a cycle ride she did were missing together with an iTunes card which fortunately was empty.
Four pieces of coincidental info -

The girl who found the pass and purse was on a shopping trip with dd before Easter - which is when dd spent what was on the Next card.

The same girl had no money of her own on that occasion and dd bought her lunch in Mcdonalds.

The purse was a nice Cath kidston one dd bought with birthday money.

If I know dd she will have been very upset about this and she has big blue eyes and a very sweet nature. Bluntly she's the sort of person it's very hard to be mean to. She also possibly comes across as a soft touch.

I suspect that this girl has taken the purse and then felt bad about it. I don't really know what to do. I would never suggest this to school but tbh I think the circumstances are very suspicious and I am sure they would investigate. If this is the way this child - or any kid - is going then better they be stopped now BUT I also feel desperately sorry for them. Dd doesn't have an excessive amount of money but she has £40 a month to spend on herself plus occasional gifts from grandparents of aroud £10-20. Based on where dd mentioned meeting this girl today I think she probably lives in a less 'affluent' area. It's entirely possible she has very little money of her own. We are Christians and I know dd will have talked to her friends about that. I reckon she may well have thought that the money is no loss to dd and that we won't take it further. I can afford to replace the money for dd and she has got the ourse itself back.
Dh thinks we should tell school without drawing any conclusions at all and I see his point. I feel very protective of dd. However tbh I also feel protective of the child - whoever it was - who has been daft enough to steal like this. I guess I feel a bit guilty about having money that others don't even though we are by no stretch rich. We're ok from month to month though our savings are a joke

So AIBU to do something? AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:

parakeet · 25/04/2014 23:01

You cannot possibly accuse this girl, based on the info you have provided here. It is nowhere near conclusive.

I really don't agree with some of your logical reasoning - you think she targeted your daughter because you're Christians?

notmyproblem · 25/04/2014 23:05

Why are kids leaving purses with money at the side of the classroom under a bench? Women in offices don't do that (as I recall, been a while since I did an office job) so why do teenagers have to do that?

I would tell your DD to keep nothing of value in her purse, or better still leave her expensive and covetted purse locked in her locker while she's in class. Take this opportunity to tell your wide-eyed daughter to look after her stuff because if she doesn't, there's no shortage of people who will take it off her.

Of course, thieves are still thieves and that's bad and they are to blame, but life is a lot easier if you just look after your own stuff and don't leave it unattended. This is real life, not nursery school. Better she learn that now and relatively inexpensively and not heartbreakingly later.

Also, this is a good time to teach your child that some people have less money than others, and it's best to be discreet about spending money and in discussions with other kids about money and affluence.

You could mention it to the school but if it were my daughter I'd probably just leave it and tell her to keep a closer eye on her things.

Original poster

Northernlurker · 25/04/2014 23:05

I've no intention of accusing her. I am wondering whether to do as dh suggests and tell school the facts - purse missing, card found and then purse found and returned or to not say anything. I mentioned the Christian thing because I wondered if it is her - and it has to have been somebody in her class unfortunately - they thought she wouldn't do anything about it? That's not logical to me but we're talking about what are still children here.
I suppose I'm wondering if the possible consequences are worth it? I don't think dd has considered who might have done it.

OP posts:

Twighlightsparkle · 25/04/2014 23:07

I think you need to let it go this time. It will cause more trouble to accuse.

Certainly tell school the facts

BrianTheMole · 25/04/2014 23:10

I'd tell the school the facts.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/04/2014 23:14

I also think you should tell the school the facts, and tell DD to keep her purse with her in future.

greenfolder · 25/04/2014 23:16

it does sound likely from what you have said. in my extensive experience of teenage girls, stealing is rarely related to a teenager not having any or enough money. It is their perception of life and opportunism. A good lesson for dd. cheap purse for school. all surplus funds elsewhere and emergency fiver tucked into pencil case/bag/blazer pocket. i think its one of those ones where you are pretty sure who has done it but will never prove it. might be worth mentioning to school to have a word with class about theft.

SystemIDUnknown · 25/04/2014 23:16

It was a theft so ywnbu to inform the school that it was taken and left on top of some lockers, minus the cash. A couple of incidents similar to this happened in my secondary and they just sat the whole year group down in assembly and gave us a talk about how seriously theft would be taken, a reminder that there were cctv cameras etc.

You wbvu to mention the 'suspects' name in any way however. You may have a suspicion that it was her, but there is no evidence at all and it would be very unfair of you to cast a cloud over her.

YouTheCat · 25/04/2014 23:17

I wouldn't bother. What will the school do anyway?

But I would be teaching your dd to keep her stuff safe, ie not putting bags down where they are out of sight and can be just picked up etc.

Original poster

Northernlurker · 25/04/2014 23:19

I absolutely do not want to cast a cloud over this girl. However if I speak to school about it I know they will want to know who found it and where - which dd doesn't know as she was just told 'on top of lockers'. So it will come to the same thing anyway.
Aaaaargh!

I guess I just need to leave it to them to work out.

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 25/04/2014 23:27

Christian, big blue eyes!!! I lost respect there. Are you saying she is a nazi.

My more serious response which I told my 8 year old when she suspected her friend stole her new pencil was to tread carefully if she feels she should confront friend, weigh up the consequences risk hurting the feelings of an innocent friend or just be subtly more cautious. I would leave a 13 year old to mange this them selfs TBH

Original poster

Northernlurker · 25/04/2014 23:30

Ok you've lost me with the Nazi thing

It is totally obvious to me that it has not occurred to dd at all that it might be one of her friends who has done this. I certainly will not be mentioning it.

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 25/04/2014 23:43

You changed to she in text. Probably a good thing it was lost in translation as I suppose it was a bit offensive

CoffeeTea103 · 25/04/2014 23:44

Please don't bother the school with this sort of thing. Just listing your 'facts' it all comes across so petty. And also in no way should you mention this girls name, it's all based on big assumptions.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/04/2014 23:51

You may have a gut feel and you may be right... but you certainly do not have anything approaching a logical reasoning there, and all the random detail makes me confused about your reasoning and motivation.

This in particular feels like you're trying to find reasons to blame this girl:
"The same girl had no money of her own on that occasion and dd bought her lunch in Mcdonalds"
That she is poor and your dd shouted them lunch? Why would that make a teenager steal? Is this the only time your dd has ever used her wallet in front of another teen? I don't get it.

And the Christian thing? I get that maybe an adult with a very specific view of christians may think they may turn the other cheek, but this is rarely borne out in reality. And actually i dont think its the forst thing people think ablut christians, not having a great press these days, its just as likely to associate being a christian with a judgemental attitude or a very firm letter of the law approach, or even being very 'po'! - and even less reason that a relatively inexperienced teen would be thinking about the religion of someone who she was just about to steal from... I don't get it and it sounds a stretch. (And I'm a Christian myself!)

It's ok to have a instinct that this girl did it, based on a general sense of her as a person (as long as you don't share this with the school or your dd!), but it doesn't feel that there's anything more based on what you've said here.

OurMiracle1106 · 25/04/2014 23:51

Suspicion is not eenough. As I found out when out flat door was almost broken off and so was one flats downstairs. The people in the flat downstairs had been evicted a few days previous and was found by police in the property but because there was no proof they didn't still live their they couldn't do anything and as to our door having been almost kicked in the same day just coincidence apparently.

DogCalledRudis · 26/04/2014 00:37

Tell your dd to be more careful with her things, especially purse

cashmiriana · 26/04/2014 00:39

I'm more stunned that a 13 year old has £40 per month to spend and it's not considered to be much.

MrsCakesPremonition · 26/04/2014 00:45

I think the school need to be aware that there has been a theft.
I don't think they need to hear about your suspicions re: specific individuals.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:52

at suggesting the OP was saying her DD's aryan and therefore should get what she wants as she's superior to all other races.

I don't think the OP was connecting the two, the nazis didn't like christians anyway!

I wouldn't say anything this time OP, just keep an eye on things.

Brittabot · 26/04/2014 01:09

I don't understand who has blue eyes or what the relevance of that is?

I would hope your daughters friends aren't stealing from her. But should speak to her about looking after her own belongings, if still a problem maybe approach the school.

Brittabot · 26/04/2014 01:10

I don't understand who has blue eyes or what the relevance of that is?

I would hope your daughters friends aren't stealing from her. But should speak to her about looking after her own belongings, if still a problem maybe approach the school.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 01:12

I thought the blue eyes was more to do with like a puss in boots kind of thing.

That being nasty to her is like kicking kittens.

MexicanSpringtime · 26/04/2014 01:13

I just want to say that I don't really know what you are basing your suspicions about this other girl on, other than that she doesn't have much money. In my experience, as often as not it is the ones with money who do the stealing, as stealing among classmates has nothing to do with need.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 01:15

Link fail, it should have been this.

I think dd2's friend may have stolen from her.AIBU to talk to school - or not to do so?

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