I think dd2's friend may have stolen from her.AIBU to talk to school - or not to do so?

[Northernlurker]

Dd2 (13) had her purse in one lesson today, in her bag at the side of the classroom under a bench. In the next lesson, after lunch, one of her friendship group said she had found her bus pass type card in the previous lesson's classroom. Dd went to put it back in her purse and found it missing. She retraced her steps and checked at the office - nothing. On the way home she and another friend met the girl who found the bus pass who came running over saying she had found dd's purse on top of some lockers. Dd looked in it. It still contained a Next gift card which only had £1 on it. Her 'emergency' £5 and £5 another girl had paid her as sponsorship money for a cycle ride she did were missing together with an iTunes card which fortunately was empty.
Four pieces of coincidental info -

The girl who found the pass and purse was on a shopping trip with dd before Easter - which is when dd spent what was on the Next card.

The same girl had no money of her own on that occasion and dd bought her lunch in Mcdonalds.

The purse was a nice Cath kidston one dd bought with birthday money.

If I know dd she will have been very upset about this and she has big blue eyes and a very sweet nature. Bluntly she's the sort of person it's very hard to be mean to. She also possibly comes across as a soft touch.

I suspect that this girl has taken the purse and then felt bad about it. I don't really know what to do. I would never suggest this to school but tbh I think the circumstances are very suspicious and I am sure they would investigate. If this is the way this child - or any kid - is going then better they be stopped now BUT I also feel desperately sorry for them. Dd doesn't have an excessive amount of money but she has £40 a month to spend on herself plus occasional gifts from grandparents of aroud £10-20. Based on where dd mentioned meeting this girl today I think she probably lives in a less 'affluent' area. It's entirely possible she has very little money of her own. We are Christians and I know dd will have talked to her friends about that. I reckon she may well have thought that the money is no loss to dd and that we won't take it further. I can afford to replace the money for dd and she has got the ourse itself back.
Dh thinks we should tell school without drawing any conclusions at all and I see his point. I feel very protective of dd. However tbh I also feel protective of the child - whoever it was - who has been daft enough to steal like this. I guess I feel a bit guilty about having money that others don't even though we are by no stretch rich. We're ok from month to month though our savings are a joke

So AIBU to do something? AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

Am at a loss to understand how the purse being Cath Kidson or your DD having blue eyes implicate her friend

Don't go saying either of those things to the school. Just don't. And what has you being Christian got to do with anything? As someone said up thread, turning the other cheek isn't even in the top ten of first things non-religious people think about Christians. (Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but it's how it is these days)

Tell school about the theft but keep the wild speculation about the friend out of it.

You are so often the voice of reason, but you seem to have completely lost the plot over this.

I personally think given the facts big blue eyes does no wrong

Missing gathers everyone into the room and points at YOUR DAUGHTER as the thief, how handy is it everything is there apart from the money and a card with nothing on it, by your own admission the shopping trip was before Easter so a lot happens with gift cards... Handy it was the one without money on it the girl is Innocent I say!

Grow up your daughter has blow the lot on chocolate and fags

Just tell the school that ten pounds has been stolen, let them investigate.

All the wild speculation is bizarre.

From your original post I have no idea why you suspect the girl apart from a loose number of facts, mainly consisting of your daughter bought her a McDonald's once & she appears to be poorer than you. Get your daughter to go to her head of year/ teacher/principal & tell them money went missing from her purse. She's old enough to do that. By the way I also wouldn't be best pleased with my daughter being so careless with her own stuff & especially with the sponsorship money she was given.

I would tell the school the purse was stolen (why didn't your dd report it that day?). It would be utterly wrong to accuse the friend. So what if she is poorer than you - doesn't make her a thief. I found a purse in the bin at school once -I didn't steal it, though I think the owner thought I did. Sadly your dd needs to learn to take care of her possessions.

I have no idea what you being Christian has to do with it. Does it make you morally superior. It certainly doesn't allow you to sit in judgement on another child.

Yabu.

You and your dd have no idea what's happened other than the same girl spotted and returned you're dd's bus pass and purse. You've completely made up a scenario to explain it and are treating it as fact.

Of course it's possible, but you've no proof beyond a possibility so it's just as likely this girl genuinely spotted lost items. You can't go round pointing fingers based on your imagination, hunches and people being poor.

If secondary school is anything like I remember, going through other peoples property for shits and giggles was a fairly common occurrence. It could have been anyone in your dd's class.

Teach your dd to keep her valuables under her feet and keep your unfounded suspicions to yourself.

How awful would it be for this girl to be treated like a criminal for simply returning lost items. What does that teach her about not being well off in society?

I am generally very when posters complain that people haven't read their posts properly but in this case I'll make an exception and moan a bit myself.
NOWHERE have I said I want to accuse this child. I agree there is no proof one way or the other. However because of all the circumstances I do suspect her involvement and that's what put me in a quandary. If I raise it with school they will ask dd all the details and then they will ask this girl about it. If I do nothing then whoever it is will get away with it. In the short term that doesn't matter very much but longterm obviously it's not a great thing. Which is why I asked AIBU to do nothing?

Incidentally dd was not careless with her purse or the sponsorship money. The money was in her purse, her purse was in her bag and the bag was with all the others in the classroom with her and the rest of the class.

And thank you Agentzigzag- yes Puss is EXACTLY what I mean about dd.

Do not do nothing. Just tell the school that the purse was taken, then found without the money later. Let them deal with it. If that means that it is discovered that your dds friend took the money, then so be it.
The friend would then have to take the consequences of her actions on board. Not necessarily a bad thing to learn before too much damage is done, that if you steal from anyone, and are caught, you will be in trouble.

Thank you dumpy. That's exactly what dh thinks. I don't know why I feel squeamish about it.

I agree with ItsNotATest. Northern, you are the voice of reason normally. but on this occasion you have seriously lost the plot, and your whole post seems completely nutty.

tell the school the facts.
talk to your dd about looking after her possessions , more.
end of.

Gosh you lot are harsh. I totally understand why she thinks it's an inside job (why return the purse and why with nothing else and the gift card that has hardly anything on it)

Lots of victim blaming too - op's DD didn't do anything with her purse that anyone else wouldn't do. Going through someone's bag in order to find something to nick is the crime here remember.

The description of her daughter and the Christian thing is to give context. If her daughter was the school bully for example you could assume the purse might have been targeted.

Why haven't you discussed this with your daughter. You don't have to accuse the friend, just raise the idea that it could be someone who knows the next card wasn't worth stealing or something.

Sorry OP, but your first post didn't come across well. The big blue eye thing and the fact that you are Christians are both utterly irrelevant.

I think you should report the theft to the school, and let them investigate as they think fit. There may have been other incidents that you're not aware of. It's very unlikely that they'll get to the bottom of what happened, but at least the thief should be made to squirm a bit!

Yes you need to tell the school.

Write down the facts in a letter, that is all, and leave it with them to sort out. There may be a back story with regards to students and previous incidents and the school needs to address this.

The description of her daughter and the Christian thing is to give context. If her daughter was the school bully for example you could assume the purse might have been targeted.

And a blue-eyed Christian could never be the school bully???

Agent Zigzag, the Nazis were very devout Christians (catholics), what a silly thing to say.

It's also ridiculous of the OP to think religion factors into whether a child could be in the wrong. Religious people are no more likely to be moral or immoral, than non-religious people.

Revealall - I haven't discussed it with her because I don't want to upset her nor cause her to point the finger without proof. She has a nice big group of friends atm and I know what teenage girls are like. It can all get very messy very easily. It sort of feels like £10 isn't worth it - if that IS what happened of course and it may not be. Basically I am being a total wuss about this. And you're right, I put everything I was aware of in to give the context.

In terms of dd's behavious she did exactly what they all have to do in that class (for safety reasons)

I hadn't considered there might have been other incidents - or might be in the future I suppose.

Oxfordbags - thanks I know that . I mentioned it because I suspect that anybody who has talked to dd in any depth about her beliefs and personal views might think she is more likely to let things go and turn the other cheek than other people might be.

Just report the theft to the school, if you must. But DON'T voice suspicions about that particular girl. And in future, for heaven's sake tell you daughter not to leave her purse lying around, not to take any more money into school than she needs for the day, and while she's at it, not take her fancy purse in either.

And I don't see what being Christins or having big blue eyes has to do with anything. Your daughter was careless - Christians can be as careless as Heathens, you know Put it down to a lesson learned. If you tell the school (but NO voicing suspicions, as they may well be completely ill founded) perhaps school might use an assembly to remind kids to be careful of their property.

It's just as unfair to accuse the OP's dd of taking the money as it is to accuse the friend. We don't know what happened ffs!

It's also ridiculous to say that the Nazis were "devout" Christians. Of course they fucking weren't. They might have called themselves Christians, but they certainly didn't follow Christian teaching. And I say that as an atheist!

There are some really stupid comments on this thread!!

The iTunes card (empty) was gone, nobody but dd would know it was empty. The Next card (with £1) on it was left. Dd's friends, with her on the trip will have known how much was on it and how much she spent.
In any case those are my own personal conclusions and I would never shared that with school except to say what went and what it was worth - on this case zero.

Dd has around £80 of sponsorship money atm. If she wanted to fabricate a theft I think she'd do a better job.

oldgrandmama in what way was ops dd careless? Her purse was in her bag, with all the other bags of all the other classmates, as per the instructions of the school.
I don't agree that because the iTunes card and Next voucher were left that it implicates the friend who knew they were worthless btw.
Cash is easy to use anywhere, Next isn't well known for the sort of clothing 13 year old girls covet, and not everyone has an iTunes account. Plus, it's fairly damning evidence if you're made to turn your pockets out later - money on the other hand, how do you prove whose fiver it is?
If I was a teenage petty thief, I'd stick to the cash too...whether I was nicking from my friends or strangers.