I think dd2's friend may have stolen from her.AIBU to talk to school - or not to do so?

[Northernlurker]

Dd2 (13) had her purse in one lesson today, in her bag at the side of the classroom under a bench. In the next lesson, after lunch, one of her friendship group said she had found her bus pass type card in the previous lesson's classroom. Dd went to put it back in her purse and found it missing. She retraced her steps and checked at the office - nothing. On the way home she and another friend met the girl who found the bus pass who came running over saying she had found dd's purse on top of some lockers. Dd looked in it. It still contained a Next gift card which only had £1 on it. Her 'emergency' £5 and £5 another girl had paid her as sponsorship money for a cycle ride she did were missing together with an iTunes card which fortunately was empty.
Four pieces of coincidental info -

The girl who found the pass and purse was on a shopping trip with dd before Easter - which is when dd spent what was on the Next card.

The same girl had no money of her own on that occasion and dd bought her lunch in Mcdonalds.

The purse was a nice Cath kidston one dd bought with birthday money.

If I know dd she will have been very upset about this and she has big blue eyes and a very sweet nature. Bluntly she's the sort of person it's very hard to be mean to. She also possibly comes across as a soft touch.

I suspect that this girl has taken the purse and then felt bad about it. I don't really know what to do. I would never suggest this to school but tbh I think the circumstances are very suspicious and I am sure they would investigate. If this is the way this child - or any kid - is going then better they be stopped now BUT I also feel desperately sorry for them. Dd doesn't have an excessive amount of money but she has £40 a month to spend on herself plus occasional gifts from grandparents of aroud £10-20. Based on where dd mentioned meeting this girl today I think she probably lives in a less 'affluent' area. It's entirely possible she has very little money of her own. We are Christians and I know dd will have talked to her friends about that. I reckon she may well have thought that the money is no loss to dd and that we won't take it further. I can afford to replace the money for dd and she has got the ourse itself back.
Dh thinks we should tell school without drawing any conclusions at all and I see his point. I feel very protective of dd. However tbh I also feel protective of the child - whoever it was - who has been daft enough to steal like this. I guess I feel a bit guilty about having money that others don't even though we are by no stretch rich. We're ok from month to month though our savings are a joke

So AIBU to do something? AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

You don't know who took it, you were not there and have only hearsay and second hand facts to rely on. You don't even know that this girl is poor, you are just assuming she is based on where she happened to meet your daughter, and your conclusion from that is she's a potential thief...(?)

You come across as being a bit snobby and superior to me. It may be worth talking to the school about the theft, but to name names would be wrong.

it's not very Christian to suspect somebody because they are poorer than you and found the purse and returned it

What gordylovesheep said ^

I'm not a Christian but believe in God. When I was young and foolish a couple times I opened my big fat mouth and accused someone of stealing from me, everytime I found what was lost a few minutes later. (this is obviously not your case) but since then it has always been my policy to never accuse anyone, especially a child, unless I have a 100% proof

If she wanted to fabricate a theft I think she'd do a better job

oh dear op you have so much to learn about teens

If I talk to school I think they will be able to identify what actually happened as the corridors have CCTV. However I have decided I will not be doing so. The loss is insignificant compared to the upset and distress which could be caused. If my suspicions are correct then I think there may already be some remorse in the situation. I think it would actually be quite vengeful of us to pry in to this further and I am not prepared to do that. That's why I started the thread tbh - looking for some justification that doing nothing was the right thing Instead my child has been called careless - which she is not and accused of theft - which is nonsense. Don't even get me started on the Nazi thing

OP, you do come across as quite weird on this thread. All the Christian stuff is odd.

I think the reasoning for suspecting the other girl is fairly sound. Isn't it often the one who finds the body in detective fiction? Also, leaving a worthless Next card but taking a potentially (although actually empty) lucrative iTunes card, suggests someone who knew (or who thinks Next is a grim place to shop).

People often think Christians are a soft touch.

Also, I think the Nazis imprisoned Catholic priests.

I usually have a lot of respect for the OP, but this thread is just bizarre. In fact, when I first read it I thought it was the work of a complete loon and I got a real shock when I looked at the name of the OP.

You usually give such good advice, could you not try to look at this from an outside perspective?

The only actual fact here is that a theft has happened on school premises. Therefore school need to know. If you insist on bringing so-called Christian principles into this, can you not see the damage caused by the cover-up of child abuse in the church? And extrapolate? It isn't your place to play judge and jury because you think your beliefs bestow a moral superiority that permit you to make those decisions. They don't. There is plenty of evidence around to prove that. Just put this in the hands of the correct people, ie the school.

And keep in mind that you may be wrong and it's nothing to do with the friend.

So the four pieces of circumstantial evidence are;

1. Friend knows there is no money on Next card
2. Friend has no money of her own
3. A Cath Kidston purse
4. Big blue puss in boots eyes.

Yes, I see your point. Totally. And you totally clinched it with the fact that you are Christians.
Maybe you could explain the relevance of the Cath Kidston purse for me all those doubters out there?

I have read your op. All you have is speculation. You have no facts. Your daughters should be taught to be less niave to the world around her.

The faith aspect is irrelevant. At one point you base your theory on the fact the girl is from a poorer area.

As a Christian myself I see blame apportion, judgement and also boasting. Your well off. From a nice area.

Now I'm guilty of judging your words.

As parents our responsibility is to teach our wide eyed children that the world is not a perfect place. That thieves and liars exist. That temptation is all to great for anyone of any background. As humans we all fall short and that's just the way it is.

It is perfectly possible that this poor girl stands accused and the words she speaks are the truth. And you need to accept the best not the worst.

Ensure your daughter doesn't become too heavenly to be of any earthly use

Your a bit odd aren't you?

Fwiw the council will run the policy that items taken into school are at your own risk, there is NO evidence in what you say above just fanciful supposition. You and your dd will be laughed at to put it mildly.

If you want to be the laughing stock go ahead....

(Any ACTUAL fact comes to light this all changes. Can't see that happening. And ditch the Christian refs, make you sound idiotic)

I really do think you should tell the school - even if they don't do anything, they need to know that it has happened.

I think you are probably right that the other girl took the things and then panicked. She is basically a nice kid who gave in to temptation. She knew your dd loved the purse,she was there when it was bought. There was no way she could keep it as it would be spotted. She didn't want your dd to walk home so 'found' the bus pass.
She was envious that your dd had money so she took it. She will not feel good about this. Don't tell the school but make sure that your dd is alert for other incidents within the group and if it happens again the girls affected should tell a teacher.

That "coincidental info" is anything but . Living in a non affluent area does not make anyone more likely to steal, and if your dd's big blue eyes didn't stop her purse being stolen in the first place, why would they be a factor in getting it back?
You would be barking to approach the school with this, quite frankly.

I find it quite offensive that you equate poverty with criminality.

Hows this for a senario:

DD's lovely, pricey purse is coveted by someone in her class who takes the opportunity to lift it from her bag in the bag pile confusion. Thief takes bus pass out so that the purse can't be identified if any one sees them in the first few minutes of lifting it. Thief goes off and rifles through purse for the things they want. Lovely friend of DD is one of the last out, sees the bus pass on the floor and picks its up to give back to DD. Gives it back to DD, sees how upset she is. Lovely friend is then over joyed to find the purse and be able to restore it to DD.

Its just as plausible as your senario and also the senario where DD takes the money herself.
Report it to the school by all means, if there is a spate of these sort of thefts it might help to catch the culprit but don't mention any suspects.

Everyone has already said it- report theft to school office (your dd can do this) and then let it go.

You have no proof that it was this girl (apart from the bizarre insinuation that she's not wealthy so would have been likely to take it) and it may have been someone else entirely- ranging from someone you don't know at all to your own dd (yes, not likely but not unlikely either if she spend the money in an unwise way and wanted to cover up).

You are no Inspector Clouseau because your evidence is very poor and discounts other theories that the shaky one you are fixed on.

I was once accused of stealing when I hadn't and it's horrible, its also embarrassing for the accuser once the truth comes out, so given you have literally no knowledge of who did it, I would say nothing.

The Christian thing is odd. It reminds me of this....A few weeks ago the pastor of my church before the sermon said that several people had a their iPads and purses and phones stolen in church. He was sad that he had to warn the church to be much more careful and realise that their were people amongst us who we're attending just to steal as people were obviously more relaxed about the security if their bags than they would be in another public setting because they assumed nobody would steal in church.

The pastor said, and I want to speak to the thieves...stop stealing from our people. If you carry on, and we catch you, which we will, I want you to know we will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law. We will march you to the police station, report every crime you have committed and demand that you are prosecuted and punished. Don't think that because we are Christians we will let it go. We won't.

When you have been prosecuted, punished, and served your punishment, you will then see the forgiveness of Christians and see if we can help you in any way ;)

Oh good grief.
There are some really snippy people on here.

If an op posts the bare bones of a situation they get arsy comments for drip feeding.
If they post a full picture, try to convey their full impression of a situation, then they get picked up on everything they post.
The aryan stuff is just a really unpleasant interpretation of the op trying to convey that on the surface her DD looks like an innocent pushover.

Op , you can't speak to anyone about your concerns.i suspect you are worried about the fall out in terms of friendship between your DD and this child as well as serious implications for this child if she is stealing. Stealing can be a more complicated thing for children, more emotional rather than straightforward covetousness.

But I think you can only talk to your DD about keeping her stuff safe.

No-one has the right to steal from your DD and you don't have the right to make accusations without any basis.

If you have the ability to have your accusations confirmed or denied and this could be resolved by speaking to the school and accessing CCTV, I wonder why you are choosing not to.

We're not rich, nor christian, but frankly neither status bestows saintly behaviour so your bigoted assumption that the lack of either equals guilt is disgusting.

Your DH sounds a lot more sensible than you have in your OP.

Report it to the school so they are aware that thieving is taking place. And reign in your bigotry.

I think your daughter should simply report her loss to the school office. She's old enough to take responsibility for that.

Thank you Pagwatch.

I included all the details and my impressions of the situation because I felt the full picture was material to the question I was asking. Had dd simply found the purse herself, missing the money, I suspect I would be perfectly happy to speak to school and ask them to pursue the issue. It is precisely because that didn't happen and I had some suspicions that I found myself in a dilemma. I mentioned that the girl appears to have little money of her own because considering that this appeared to have occurred with dd's friendship group, I felt some strong motivation had to be involved and that motivation was need. I am grateful to those who have pointed out that theft amongst teenagers often arises from other motivation than need. That is helpful.

If anybody can quote a post from me where I say I intend to accuse this girl please feel free. You won't though because that was not my intention.

I've been on mumsnet for 7 years. I know that a lot of you know my name and know how I post and what I try to do. I have to say therefore that I AM hurt by some of the posting on this thread. I am happy to explain my thinking, I accept that I may not always have explained things as clearly as I could have done but I am a reasonable person. I am conscientious and caring and it is exactly because of that, that I struggled with what to do in this situation. I started this thread to ask for opinions. I feel instead it has become an opportunity to attack me and in particular to use my faith to attack me. I am bewildered and upset by that. I firmly believe you have to be robust in AIBU. There's a limit though to how robust you can be when posters appear to wilfully misread your posts, shred the information you give and delight in attacking you. I don't think I deserved that at all.

So that's it. I'm off.

Late to this thread but I can't believe the attacks on Northernlurker and her dd.

If you didn't understand the reference to blue eyes, then surely all you needed to do was to ask - rather than jumping to conclusions about Nazis! It's not as though the OP posted once and then disappeared.

Matthew 7:1-5

NorthernLurker
Please take no notice.
There are some utter asshats who hang around aibu hoping to give someone a kicking. It makes them feel just grand.

Sad, sanctemonious utter crapwankers.

Hide aibu.