I think dd2's friend may have stolen from her.AIBU to talk to school - or not to do so?

[Northernlurker]

Dd2 (13) had her purse in one lesson today, in her bag at the side of the classroom under a bench. In the next lesson, after lunch, one of her friendship group said she had found her bus pass type card in the previous lesson's classroom. Dd went to put it back in her purse and found it missing. She retraced her steps and checked at the office - nothing. On the way home she and another friend met the girl who found the bus pass who came running over saying she had found dd's purse on top of some lockers. Dd looked in it. It still contained a Next gift card which only had £1 on it. Her 'emergency' £5 and £5 another girl had paid her as sponsorship money for a cycle ride she did were missing together with an iTunes card which fortunately was empty.
Four pieces of coincidental info -

The girl who found the pass and purse was on a shopping trip with dd before Easter - which is when dd spent what was on the Next card.

The same girl had no money of her own on that occasion and dd bought her lunch in Mcdonalds.

The purse was a nice Cath kidston one dd bought with birthday money.

If I know dd she will have been very upset about this and she has big blue eyes and a very sweet nature. Bluntly she's the sort of person it's very hard to be mean to. She also possibly comes across as a soft touch.

I suspect that this girl has taken the purse and then felt bad about it. I don't really know what to do. I would never suggest this to school but tbh I think the circumstances are very suspicious and I am sure they would investigate. If this is the way this child - or any kid - is going then better they be stopped now BUT I also feel desperately sorry for them. Dd doesn't have an excessive amount of money but she has £40 a month to spend on herself plus occasional gifts from grandparents of aroud £10-20. Based on where dd mentioned meeting this girl today I think she probably lives in a less 'affluent' area. It's entirely possible she has very little money of her own. We are Christians and I know dd will have talked to her friends about that. I reckon she may well have thought that the money is no loss to dd and that we won't take it further. I can afford to replace the money for dd and she has got the ourse itself back.
Dh thinks we should tell school without drawing any conclusions at all and I see his point. I feel very protective of dd. However tbh I also feel protective of the child - whoever it was - who has been daft enough to steal like this. I guess I feel a bit guilty about having money that others don't even though we are by no stretch rich. We're ok from month to month though our savings are a joke

So AIBU to do something? AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

northern, fwiw i had similar comments after posting about one of my dds bag being stolen.

it is mad the things that people pick up and focus on and willfully ignore the point of what you are posting. and my older dds had 40 a month pocket money from when they were around 12. I dont think a tenner a week is over the top- its a coffee, a bun and a magazine!

as i posted originally- your suspicions are valid, with valid reasons but keeping your counsel and a watching brief on dd's friendship is the best course of action as you had already concluded!

Northern - I've been on here donkeys years and have always found you to be a voice of reason, compassionate but not afraid to speak up if someone is being an idiot. I honestly thought you might have had her name stolen by a troll when I read your first post with the blue eyes and Christian stuff. I've read your reasons for what you said and I can sort of see why you said them but I'm putting it down to the fact that when we are very stressed about something we can act/write out of character.

In my heart of hearts I think it would be the wrong thing for you to do to say nothing. If this child is starting to steal from friends then she needs to be stopped before a less sympathetic target is on the receiving end, or something not replaceable is taken. If it isn't her then the child who stole from your dd needs to be stopped for the same reason.
If your dd doesn't want to be associated with the fuss that comes with this she could always say the decision was taken away from her and that you insisted the school was involved.
If this is the thief's first time then success and proof that victims will not speak up can only be encouraging I would think.

So basically, what other people have said, report to the school, outline the facts and don't mention your suspicions, I'm sure the school can draw their own conclusions and it could be that your dd is not the only one to have had their property stolen.

My favourite saying of all time : all that is takes for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing (Edmund Burke)

I'm not suggesting for a second the child who took your money is evil btw. It's the sentiment behind it that I am referencing.

Good luck Northern, I hope you get this sorted.

I hope you're still reading Northern because it looks like it just took a little while for the more balanced posters to turn up.

Every one who deliberately twisted words to have a go, well you're unkind. Did you get a little thrill from making someone feel attacked?

I get what you mean Northernlurker, and my initial thoughts that there was nothing conclusive enough. I initially read it as the friend having big blue eyes and didn't think anything of it. So for you to describe your own daughter having them is fine in my opinion - I get what you meant by that.

I'd practice watchful waiting with this one. Its a good opportunity for your DD to review her practices regarding her belongings - at 13 this kind of thing is generally only just starting to happen.

I also get the Cath Kidston reference, girls of this age are more likely to covet such an item.

Northernlurker is a known poster and certainly not a confirmed Nazi anyway, which may be swaying my understanding of the post!

And if you'd said "big brown eyes" I would have got the same meaning - that of an innocent sweet young for her years child rather than some kind of political persuasion!!!

Erm..
Nazi?

Fucking what?

What the?

Cripes.

Don't get the responses at the beginning of this thread. If one read the responses before the OP, the OP would be a terrible shock!

It is quite possible that someone in Northern's daughter's class thought Northern's DD was a pushover who wouldn't pursue a theft, due to her faith and sweet/naive looks. I think that's conclusively proven, by the fact people have been telling Northern it's unChristian of her to even think about who the thief might have been! The fact that this was a thread asking whether it would be unreasonable/unfair of her in the long term to take the extremely forgiving route of not alerting the school to the theft was completely passed over by mumsnetters.

I would love to read a full scriptual exegesis that explains that it's required for Christians to close their minds to circumstantial evidence, btw. Even when it's practically Morris dancing in front of them! Presumably practising Christians are barred from serving on a jury, right?

Email the school with all the facts and no assumptions.