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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need a huge reality check over here!

84 replies

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:41

I already know that this will come out all wrong, and I will invariably piss someone off with this, but I need to just tell someone else what I'm feeling.

I just dropped DS (7) off at a school friend's house for a birthday party. He is attending this friend's family birthday party and then sleeping over. Both boys have been excited about this, as DS has never been to this friend's house before. The mum and I are on friendly terms; it's a small school, so we've chatted loads on the playground, at birthday parties, etc. She seems really lovely, and I know her life isn't easy...she is a single mum to three kids, my DS's friend is the eldest and she then has two girls who have lots of medical issues.

Anyway, they live on a council estate, and thier house is unlike any that DS has ever seen...not in the greatest area and not as tidy as most of his other friends' houses. I have absolutely no concerns for his safety or anything like that...but I could see that he was a bit uncomfortable when we went in. I am now feeling uncomfortable, but only because I know he felt uneasy and a bit out of his comfort zone. I think it's important for him to see that people don't always live the same, and that friendship is certainly more than where someone lives! Is that unreasonable? I hate to burst the middle class bubble he's been exposed to, but surely he's old enough to be able to appreciate differences in other people's situtations?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:45

Do you think it was just the 'being somewhere new' thing? He's only seven after all.
I bet he's having a great time now.

Twitterqueen · 25/04/2014 14:45

Why were you uncomfortable? And do you think that rubbed off on him? Are you a housework freak? (meant nicely)

Unless there's mould on the kitchen table, dog or cat poo on the floor or other basic hygiene problems there is no real reason to be uncomfortable.

I have no doubt whatever discomfort he may have felt initially will have worn off within less than 5 mins. I don't think 7 yr old boys care too much about tidiness do they?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 25/04/2014 14:45

What was he uncomfortable with?

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:47

Would a 7 year old really notice a bit of untidiness? I don't think they would.

mummymeister · 25/04/2014 14:48

steady on OP those judgey pants are making you walk funny! Honestly I cannot believe some of the things I read on here. heaven help him if he marries a council estate girl then you will probably disown him. I was bought up by a single parent in a large family in a small house on a council estate. It really annoys me when kids from council houses are judged like this - as if we are less intelligent or worthy. my kids are middle class but if one of them spoke like this I would be in shock. don't judge the book by its cover.

UnderIce · 25/04/2014 14:48

He's just wee and it might all be a bit overwhelming. I'm sure he'll be fine. FWIW I don't think it's got anything to do with where/how his friends live, it's just that it's not home and a little bit unfamiliar. He would probably have been the same if you'd taken him to Downton Abbey (lol). I hope he has a brilliant time and try not to worry about him too much.

Bowlersarm · 25/04/2014 14:49

Maybe he was just feeling a bit shy as he hadn't been there before, and would have been the same even if his friend lives in an identical house to yours?

NeverQuiteSure · 25/04/2014 14:49

Are you worried that he's feeling uncomfortable, or that he'll inadvertently do/say something to make then feel uncomfortable?

One of the great things about state educationis the chance to mix with people from a variety of backgrounds. I remember visiting friend's houses that were very different to my own. At the time I remember a feeling of 'oddness' that I couldn't really define, but I enjoyed playing with different toys and meeting different siblings etc and it was only years later that I realised that 'oddness' was actually poverty.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:50

I just think that if you are 7 and are going somewhere to sleep over you have never been before with lots of people you have never met, you may be forgiven for being uncomfortable for a bit.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2014 14:52

A council house is unlikely to be "unlike any house he has ever seen" Confused. Just a bit smaller, surely? He'll hardly have noticed, just like he'll hardly have noticed the untidiness.
7 year olds are not renown for their love of order, if my kids bedrooms are anything to go by.

apermanentheadache · 25/04/2014 14:53

I think this is a case of projecting if I ever saw one. OP, don't be so daft. Middle class bubble?? Does your son never, erm, go out??

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:53

Ha...no! I should clarify that I am not really the best housekeeper...but this was a bit more extreme than he's used to...it was more than just the average clutter, partly because it was a tiny house. I just think it was quite different than his other friends' houses.

I have no doubt that he's probably absolutely fine now, and having a great time with his friend, I could just tell he was a bit shocked...it wasn't just a reaction from never having been there before.

I wasn't uncomfortable with the house...I'm not really too fussed about stuff like that...I felt uneasy about his reaction...I suppose I didn't want him thinking there was anything 'wrong' about the situation, if that makes any sense???

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:53

A lot of council houses I have seen are really big. Grin

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:54

You will have to elaborate on 'more than just the average clutter', was it like 'The Hoarder next Door' or something?

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 14:55

i think that if things feel different when you are 7 it takes a bit of processing but kids are very adaptable.
i actually doubt he has never seen anywhere messy before - the downstairs in my house is usually ok but i found DDs friends hiding in piles of ironing or under teenage DSs bed when they decided to play hide and seek. that wasn't stuff their parents saw hell would freeze over first

i wouldn't worry. hell be fine and have a great time.

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:57

And yes...he does go out, but he spends more time with people who are better off than we are, so this is obviously a bit different.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/04/2014 14:57

It's his first sleep over - he would look uncomfortable if he was staying in a palace.

Don't mention it to him when he comes back and if he says anything just tell him that different people live in different ways some hoard more shit than others

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 14:57

Oh yes Pagwatch the Hide and Seek upstairs when I have tidied downstairs. Blush I put a lock on the outside of our bedroom door in the end to keep the mess hidden.

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 14:57

x-posted

DD went to a friends house once and when I picked her up she said thank you to the friends mum.
she then said 'i love your house. its so brilliant and tiny. its teeny tiny like a dolls house.
i nearly died. fortunately my friend roared.

that was a long chat...
Grin

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 25/04/2014 14:58

Do you think you're projecting your discomfort onto him?

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 14:58

ha Sparkling
goddamn hide and seek.

Grin
DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:59

Sparklingbrookit wasn't far off! But, when you have three young kids in a very small terrace, it's bound to be hard to figure out where to put stuff!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 25/04/2014 15:00

Oh come on, op. You weren't remotely bothered by the untidiness, but your 7 year old son was stunned into silence, having been rudely jolted out of his middle class bubble?
I don't believe you.
He'll come to no harm mixing with the serfs, providing they remember to tug their forelock every so often so he doesn't forget that he's really a breed apart.

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 25/04/2014 15:01

My 7 year old is always nervous for the first 5 minutes of being in a different place.

I would imagine (unless you go around pointing out someone else's mess/dirt to him) he wouldn't even notice Confused

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:01

This isn't his first sleepover...he had another sleepover with a different friend last night...it's just the first one with this friend.

Again, I wasn't uncomfortable with the house, I was picking up on his discomfort...and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable!

OP posts:
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