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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need a huge reality check over here!

84 replies

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:41

I already know that this will come out all wrong, and I will invariably piss someone off with this, but I need to just tell someone else what I'm feeling.

I just dropped DS (7) off at a school friend's house for a birthday party. He is attending this friend's family birthday party and then sleeping over. Both boys have been excited about this, as DS has never been to this friend's house before. The mum and I are on friendly terms; it's a small school, so we've chatted loads on the playground, at birthday parties, etc. She seems really lovely, and I know her life isn't easy...she is a single mum to three kids, my DS's friend is the eldest and she then has two girls who have lots of medical issues.

Anyway, they live on a council estate, and thier house is unlike any that DS has ever seen...not in the greatest area and not as tidy as most of his other friends' houses. I have absolutely no concerns for his safety or anything like that...but I could see that he was a bit uncomfortable when we went in. I am now feeling uncomfortable, but only because I know he felt uneasy and a bit out of his comfort zone. I think it's important for him to see that people don't always live the same, and that friendship is certainly more than where someone lives! Is that unreasonable? I hate to burst the middle class bubble he's been exposed to, but surely he's old enough to be able to appreciate differences in other people's situtations?

OP posts:

Original poster

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:03

Fuck off, Floggingmolly. Don't call me out for being judgemental with an equally judgemental post.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 15:04

hmm
actually i disagree with you.
feeling uncomfortable can be very useful can't it?
being outside your comfort zone is a good thing. seeing lives that are different to ours helps us understand the world doesn't it?

Original poster

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:05

That's what I was trying to get at in my original post, Pagwatch, but obviously, I'm just being judgemental and that's all.

OP posts:

UnderIce · 25/04/2014 15:06

If he had a sleepover last night, maybe he's a bit tired from it and is missing you and home, and looked a bit "lost" at the thought of another night away from Mum. That said, after 5 minutes he'll be bombing around like a maddy and having a great time. Sure you've nothing to worry about.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 15:06

I think the same Pagwatch. Dss have been to all sorts of different houses. One house DS2 used to go to regularly hhe and everything that went with him came back absolutely covered in dog hair.

Catsmamma · 25/04/2014 15:06

Do you think the other mother will be on in a bit??

i have a seven year old here for his first sleep over....so far he has said our house is small, asked why we have so much clutter and when will supper be served?

Really not sure this is going to end at all well for you OP.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:08

My 5 year old nephew can't get his head around the fact that I don't have an upstairs or a downstairs in my flat. He also asks me why I don't live in a proper house. Reasonable questions, he is trying to make sense of his world.

He also thinks I am a bit of a slut and insists on hoovering when he comes round.

Which I think is a result.

Bowlersarm · 25/04/2014 15:09

My friend picked her DS up from school with his friend and took him to her house for the first time. She lives in a modern terraced townhouse. Her DSes friend thought the whole block of houses was just one large house owned by my friend (he lives in a big house!) but he was seriously impressed by the number of cars he thought they owned all parked in a row at the front of the 'house'.

Anyway, OP, he'll be fine. I wonder what he'll say if anything, when you pick him up.

stealthsquiggle · 25/04/2014 15:10

Either of my DC would look uncomfortable going into a house they hadn't been to before to meet and stay with a family they didn't
know (other than knowing the friend) - OP I think you may be projecting as to the cause of his discomfort - but of course you won't know until he comes home (and quite possibly not then)

Original poster

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:10

This is the thing...I WANT him to go to other houses and meet different families. Especially here, where it does tend to be mainly caucasian and middle class. I dislike the fact that there is very little diversity where we live. I was just trying to process the feeling uncomfortable...that's all.

OP posts:

greenwinter · 25/04/2014 15:12

I remember going to houses of friends when a child and feeling a bit uncomfortable. In my case because their houses were "posh". It is just dealing with new experiences, and he will get used to it.

Dealing with situation or places just outside our initial comfort zone is I think good for us. I know people who can't enjoy going places they see as too "common" or alternatively people who cant enjoy going places that are too "posh".

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 15:13

He also thinks I am a bit of a slut and insists on hoovering when he comes round.

at Madame Defage

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:14

I think I get where you are coming from OP. But I think you are overthinking it a bit.

You WANT him to be at ease in all sorts of different places, so a sign he was 'uncomfortable' (pretty much certainly to do with it being new and with the whole sleepover thing hanging over him) has pressed your button about him not being able to...I think you have misinterpreted his feelings because you yourself are anxious that he doesn't become a snob.

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 15:14

oh lord Sparkling .
i think people take doggy hairballs home from here too.
i will be judged
[does not care]

greenwinter · 25/04/2014 15:15

I would see that as a result too Defage

My nephew when he was 4 told my parents that their new kitchen looked lovely, but would look better if they cleaned their toaster. My sister was mortified.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 15:15

I get very uncomfortable in very posh, tidy, overly clean houses. Cream settees and carpet make me v nervous. I can't have a cup of tea, and feel like Hyacinth Bucket's neighbour.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:16

Pag

MrsRuffdiamond · 25/04/2014 15:16

He'll be absolutely fine, I'm sure. It does do children good to see that we're all different, and that the kind of house you live in has nothing to do with your value as a person.

It reminds me of when ds1 used to go his best friend's house for tea. House was a new build, absolutely immaculate, cream carpets - the works. Not at all like ours. On one occasion he came home, and after critically examining our ageing decor for a while, asked if we thought we ought to move house soon!

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 15:17

He had the best time ever at dog hair house Pagwatch, it was sad when they moved away.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 15:19

My house on my council estate is the house all the kids seem to want to come to, im always the one getting the paddling pool out, having a bbq for 3 dd's and their friends, all the neighbours know each other and all the kids play out for hours in the street in the summer. There is a sense of community and everyone looks of for each other and their kids. I have babysitters on tap and will quite happily watch my neighbours kids if they want to pop out for an hr. I lived in a private house on a private estate once and i hated every minute of it. Everyone just ignored each other and the kids were bored stiff. Ruff looking does not equal unsafe

I have hardly seen any of their friends parents from the wealthy estates do anything like what we do on our council estate and they all live in immaculate houses. Mines ok, i have 3 kids, work til 1am and have 3dds to see to, the furnitures not expensive and its clean just not immaculate or white. Theres scribbles on a few of the walls i cant wash off, theres usually a pile of folded clothes on the table i haven't put away yet and toys scattered around.. They are always asking for their friends to sleep over. My dd's get asked to sleep at their houses but they always say no, they are not allowed to get toys out or colour in, or paint, or bake. In the easter holidays i got 4 rolls of wallpaper sellotaped them all together with my neighbour and her kids, put them in the street with colouring pens, paint, glitter, glue and a pack of £1 arts and crafts stuff from poundland and they had hours of fun. All the kids thought it was brill. My DDs friends mother came down to check on her who lives on a really posh estate and she said wow do your neighbours not say anything and i said no, she then said theres nothing like this where we live, people would complain if we do anything like this, i don't know how you can be bothered to do all this ??. I get the odd parent taking the piss though, hi is it ok if XXX comes to play they drop them off and are away for hours without checking on them whish takes the piss.

Original poster

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:20

Madamedefarge...thank you. That is exactly what I was going for. And yes...I am most definitely over thinking it, which is why I put it here...I think I needed to hear that I'm overthinking it! I imagine my DS is now eating the other mum out of house and home, and doing his level best to add to the untidiness!

OP posts:

Original poster

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 15:24

ILoveCoreyHaim yours is the kind of house I spent time in when I was a kid! You are right...and as I said before, though the house wasn't in the most glamorous area, I am not concerned about DS's safety. The mum and DS's friend are both lovely, which is the most important to me.

OP posts:

ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 15:27

DescribeTheRuckus he will be fine, its a bit like my kids being shocked at the white minimalistic clutter free house, just the same really

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2014 15:32

Anyway, they live on a council estate, and thier house is unlike any that DS has ever seen..

I'm not exactly sure

1] what the relevance is of it being a council house
2] why it is so unlike any he has seen

I lived in council houses until I was 18 & they were pretty good houses, and bigger than friends private equivs in some cases.

Gen35 · 25/04/2014 15:33

It'll be a good learning opportunity for him. Hope he has a great time and don't worry!

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