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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need a huge reality check over here!

84 replies

DescribeTheRuckus · 25/04/2014 14:41

I already know that this will come out all wrong, and I will invariably piss someone off with this, but I need to just tell someone else what I'm feeling.

I just dropped DS (7) off at a school friend's house for a birthday party. He is attending this friend's family birthday party and then sleeping over. Both boys have been excited about this, as DS has never been to this friend's house before. The mum and I are on friendly terms; it's a small school, so we've chatted loads on the playground, at birthday parties, etc. She seems really lovely, and I know her life isn't easy...she is a single mum to three kids, my DS's friend is the eldest and she then has two girls who have lots of medical issues.

Anyway, they live on a council estate, and thier house is unlike any that DS has ever seen...not in the greatest area and not as tidy as most of his other friends' houses. I have absolutely no concerns for his safety or anything like that...but I could see that he was a bit uncomfortable when we went in. I am now feeling uncomfortable, but only because I know he felt uneasy and a bit out of his comfort zone. I think it's important for him to see that people don't always live the same, and that friendship is certainly more than where someone lives! Is that unreasonable? I hate to burst the middle class bubble he's been exposed to, but surely he's old enough to be able to appreciate differences in other people's situtations?

OP posts:

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 25/04/2014 15:37

What is that your fear being snobby about OP? Lack of tidyness, being poor, or merely living on a council estate?

I live in an ex council house, that we own with a small mortgage. Apart from the kitchen, it is not tiny, but the kitchen has a big walk in cupboard, as does one of the bedrooms.

It's a fairly nice, quiet estate, which is about 50/50 owned/rented (you can tell because all those that are still council have brand new roofs and doors and windows and often look a lot better than the owned houses ).

It is filthy because I would rather do almost anything than clean. We do try to make an effort if we are expecting guests, but in reality, unless you go round and scrub every square inch with a toothbrush, it would still be considered filthy by the clean freaks on here.

I also don't give a stuff about decorating and 'making house' and can't think of anything less dull than filling a house with cushions, candles and similar shit.

We do however, have a massive garden, which backs onto greenbelt and is not overlooked, so any visiting DCs can run round it to their heart's content and make as much noise as they like without disturbing anyone. And they do love to do that.

And we are not poor either. I earn a good salary and we have quite a bit of savings. I just don't feel the need to tell the world about it by buying a big posh house and filling it with tat from John Lewis.

So you would probably think that I was poor, but perhaps you might think about not judging a book by it's cover. Don't change your friendship with the other mum because her house is different to yours .

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:41

I remember being utterly gobsmacked the first time I went to a council flat where a friend lived. I was 12. I just lived in a leafy suburb and there were no council houses (most council properties there being terraced victorians). It was just new. And strange. All those floors. And stairs. And lifts.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:43

I don't think an awareness of 'difference' automatically translates into snobby.

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 15:43

i am not a clean freak.
but i wouldreally hate to say that my house is filthy.

im pretty sure it is possible to have a house that isn't filthy without having to buy candles and cushions. i think ther is a middle ground.

i grew up in a three bedroom semi house with 9 other people.
it was endlessly untidy but it was never dirty.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 15:47

"And yes...he does go out, but he spends more time with people who are better off than we are, so this is obviously a bit different."

So well off people are cleaner than poorer people?

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:47

I am learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. Which means I am learning that rather than cowering in a corner when things get overwhelming (yes I am looking at you, washing) I can manage to do a bit. then a bit more. And so it gets done.

(note to nephew; I did not ask for a dark blue carpet. You can sit on the sofa and breathe gently, and little white specks settle on the carpet, I swear)

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:49

I think we have established that the OP did not mean that at all, SillyBilly.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 15:49

If someone were to come round right now they would find the porch and hallway fairly ok.

Untidy but not dirty kitchen, dishwasher needs loading, and floor a sweep.
Living room untidy, DS2 lying on the floor in the middle of all the clutter, and a pair of footy shin pads on one sofa.

I wouldn't be too fussed.

NeverQuiteSure · 25/04/2014 15:49

So well off people are cleaner than poorer people?

Generally not, but they do tend to have cleaners/housekeepers

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:51

Gosh, how sparkly my flat would be if I had a cleaner. And a SAHP like my sister does. Their house is show home, I tell ya.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 15:52

Everyone has their own opinion of tidy. My parents' home is like a show home. it's not my childhood home- that was very comfortable and relaxing. This one is anything but. They are retired and everything is put away immediately after use, I am sure they are appalled by our often messy house.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 15:52

"So well off people are cleaner than poorer people?

Generally not, but they do tend to have cleaners/housekeepers"

An those that dont just clean themselves. Having a cleaner definitely doesnt mean your house is cleaner. I was a cleaner until a few weeks ago- believe me, when i arrive at some of those houses they are far from clean. Whereas my friends without cleaners- clean houses every day.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 15:55

Also my kids go to the school in the next catchment area which services the really posh estate - eldest dd went there as thats where all her closest friends went from Nursery who she is still friendly with, the school for my council estate is outsanding but my school was good - then satisfactory - then good. The school always make comments about how independent and sociable my kids are. All i can think is this stems down to them playing out for hours as i feel it is safe for them to do so. i live in a culdesac,ad and everyone who lives here drives in knowing there will likely be kids in the street. Out the street i join onto a playing field and a park surrounded by houses. Theres a BIG group of kids, sometimes up to 20ish in the summer kicking about on bikes, a neighbours trampoline, scooters or playing games in the street.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:55

oh goody. we can have a derail into cleaners v non cleaners bunfight debate.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:57

Anyway, I have a mouse infestation at the moment, as do all the flats. Scaffolding all around the building for seven months now, putrid bin area...

I have to bleach the kitchen every fucking day. It's killing me.

almondcakes · 25/04/2014 15:58

Like Ilkley, my house is filthy. It actually does bother me in that the kids can't really have friends around unless they're ones we know well and have already seen it.

Part of it is to do with money and part is not.

To have the kind of house where kids can run around and play in paddling pools etc, you have to have some kind of happy medium in the state of your house.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 15:58

I have the hands of a fifty year old as a result

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 16:00

If I had a cleaner they would have to come every single day as I clean every single day. if they only came once or twice a week standards would slip.

DB and DSIL have a cleaner, and a man that valets all the cars, and gardeners. Tis another world.

greenwinter · 25/04/2014 16:01

I have always fancied the idea of a cook, on permanent standby.

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 16:03

ooh green, if you live near me, I'm always available for cooking duty!

ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 16:04

My parents council house was always immaculate as is the private one they bought and moved into, like someone said upthread there was two adults, one a SAHP in my family and my DF is a clean freak like my DM. There's only me, 3 kids and i work differnt hours/days eveyweek so its hard to have a routine. My house would be lovely if i could afford a cleaner or a wealthy new bloke willing to let me stay at home, I cant afford nice furniture, well what other's would probaly consider nice, i just have to save up to replace it as it breaks not when interior designers decide its time for a new trendy look or hand me downs when the parents decide to remodel their showhome.

Pagwatch · 25/04/2014 16:05

Yep - happy medium .

I don't have a cleaner at the moment . I miss them

greenwinter · 25/04/2014 16:07

Defarge - Can you do something tonight?

MadameDefarge · 25/04/2014 16:11

no probs green, you near East London??!!

greenwinter · 25/04/2014 16:13

No in the Midlands :(

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