to be disappointed at the attitude of our playgroup attendees?

[playgroupwoes]

Regular post NC as this makes me identifiable.

When I moved here 2 and a half years ago as a SAHM I needed a way to meet friends and to get out with my DS so I started going to a playgroup which was run voluntarily by a group of local mums. I loved it and ended up going to both sessions every week. The way I saw it, the fact that I attended so often meant I was pretty much duty bound to at least help with the setting up/tidying away. As it happened I ended up joining the committee and now run the group with two other mums.

The group is very popular and we often get compliments on how well it's run etc. I really enjoy running it and meeting new people but lately the whole thing is being soured by how lazy and entitled our attendees seem to be - is this the norm or are we just unlucky?

The sessions start at 10 but a few mums regularly turn up early and then stand around chatting while we run around putting out toys. We know these mums well and they know how hard we work and yet they seem to have no qualms about simply not helping us. I sometimes ask for them to do things and here and there but tbh it's easier to get on with it than to constantly direct them when they know exactly what to do but are just too lazy to do it.

Equally there are a number of parents/grandparents who watch everyone else tidying up at the end and then just wander out without lifting a finger to help. We actually had to ask for people to tidy up their children's snack stuff - practically everyone was just leaving the mess all over the table for the skivvies to clear away.

Our numbers have increased a lot in the last year or so and that has made the attitude even worse for some reason - a couple of times recently I've had mums (it always seems to be mums, we have plenty of dads and grandparents too) snippily ask me where such and such is as though the service isn't up to scratch. It is infuriating.

The youngest children of the two other mums are starting fulltime nursery in September so we are looking for people to replace them so that the group can continue. I just cannot run it on my own so without volunteers the group will close.

Out of nearly 50 parents one solitary person has stepped up and as it happens she genuinely can't commit the time needed. Still, she and only she has done her best to help in any way she can and is a godsend. It's a shame she can't do more as she is great, but she has a genuine excuse for not being able to so.

Everyone else seems perfectly happy to watch volunteers run around after them and seem to see nothing wrong with not helping out.

AIBU to be really disappointed at the whole thing? I helped from the very first day I attended and never once sat down and expected my fellow parents to run around after me. I was hugely grateful these mums had started such a great group and was only too happy to help.

Is this apathy and unwillingness to step up a symptom of the society we live in, that people will happily just take and take and not contribute? Or are we, as I say, just unlucky? Can anyone explain this attitude and perhaps restore my positivity?

Some of the parents might not have the confidence to help if they're not asked to do something specifically, they might think they'll put the wrong toys out or put them in the wrong place and just generally get in the way. They might also think they don't have the skills to join a committee.

Some just can't be bothered though. At the toddler group I used to go to there were two mums who just sat chatting every week when the rest of us were tidying up, not even stopping their children from getting out toys that had been tidied up. One week I heard one say to the other, "I didn't pay a pound to come here and tidy up after a load of kids."

And the kids done a routine at Tidy up Time which they all loved, all the boxes would come out, a song was played and the kids put the toys in the relevent boxes then they sat on the mat for songtime whilst the staff put the boxes and big toys away

sigh things never change this happened when my dds were in playgroups I see what you need to do seeing as you run it is have a parent Rota of setting up and clearing up snack rota too, you can start by getting the kids helping to tidy away at the end of a session you need to start this ASAP do up a leaflet and stick up names to see who is on Rota it will work if not they need to either pay a fine or get somebody else to do the Rota,

definately have 'tidy up time' and announce "tidy up time then we'll have singing". get everyone tidying up.

For the start, can you just assume those who arrive early are there to help, so do a cheerful "oh fabulous, you here early to help? Can you grab the XXXX over there and put out? thanks!" the trick is to say it quickly so there's not time to say "no" before you start giving instructions and then busy yourself... tends to work

Some people just need things spelled out to them.
You have to be clear and specific, and explain that part of attending is an agreement that you will......

and decide if that's everyone mucks in (unlikely to work and everyone will leave to someone else)
or it's a rota
or you split the work into 5 jobs and everyone has to be a part of on of the teams that does that job,
or however suits you, but, unless you make it clear, then the vast majority of people just don't think about how these things magically run.

what mary said really it can be as simple as Oh thank goodness you are here early if you could just put those jigsaws out that would be grand

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed but I think it's unreasonable to assume people don't help because they're lazy or "entitled". I would happily help at the two groups we go to but at the moment we don't arrive till part way through due to DD's nap and then leave as soon as they finish as DS is usually fed up or about to have a tantrum and trying to keep an eye on two children whilst clearing up isn't that easy. When DS is at school from September and I just have DD with me I should be able to help out a bit. Also, people might be involved in other voluntary stuff and just feel that they want to come out and have a break/change of scene for an hour or two and know that often just offering to help will end up with them doing loads of stuff, joining a committee, etc (I speak from experience...)

I was one of the rubbish parents. Not so much 'entitled' as found the stuff other women find easy to do tidying up, multitasking etc v. hard as I am dyspraxic, and my son was hyperactive too.

I DID fine the more able mums a bit judgey and eye-rolly I'm afraid.

Also, me and another mum worked out we could have paid for an an older retired lady to come in and do the teas and wiping down etc quite easily for part of the charge on the door. Idea was ignored.

I began to believe the mums who martyred themselves with all that running around actually enjoyed it ....

Have a bowl with pieces of paper with all the different jobs on - adult drinks, make snack, wash up, dry, clear up snack, put away toys etc. Pass bowl around everyone, so they have to take a job.

I've experienced similar OP, I run a local toddler group and have done for the last few years, and you always get some people like this. I suspect these sort of problems have always been around and always will be! It's just the way some people are.

I think the best approach is a kind of light hearted directness, tbh. If I get early arrivals I generally greet them with something along the lines of 'morning, lovely to see you - we don't actually open properly until ten, but if you'd be okay to help get the toys out you're more than welcome to come in now!'

Similar approach to end of session - start putting things into nearest crate and say cheerily to nearest toddler 'goodness me it's tidy up time already!' Which normally triggers the domino effect of people around me starting to tidy things away. If it doesn't, I'll be a bit more direct with the parents/carers ('sorry guys, we need to get tidied up now ready for song time, would you mind filling that box up for me?').

Compiling a contact list with regulars' email addresses on and sending out lighthearted newsletter type messages can help too.

It's not always easy though, I know exactly what you mean.

I responded to an appeal from a toddler group DD & I attended, and volunteered to help out with setting up & tidying away. On my first day I turned up, was given a list of things to put out and where they all went, then the three other 'regulars' totally ignored me and chatted to among themselves. The same thing happened week in, week out, they were just such a clique I could not break through and get anything more than a 'hello' at the beginning. I gave up going altogether in the end . I am not saying it is like this everywhere, but perhaps some people are afraid that the committee are a big scary clique and are scared to help.

I've run a toddler group for years and this isn't a new thing, although I have noticed that it depends on the people attending.

The worst it ever got was a group of people who would actively sit there and moan about how I must be raking it in, was poor value for money etc. etc. while I was actually moving around them to set the toys out
It's a lovely hall, unlimited drinks, fresh fruit and biscuits for snacks, art and crafts: I charged £1 per child and it barely covered the hall hire. One woman even had the nerve to ask me how much profit I made each week.

I'm afraid the ones I get really irritated with are the people who talk right through song time. How do they expect the kids to pay attention if they can't be bothered?

There are the people who sit there, gossiping and drinking coffee, then arrive at the craft table and complain because we're packing up or have run out of a particular item.

Then there are the unspeakably entitled ones who go around the craft table stealing the stuff to do at home with their kids - stuff that I pay for and provide out of my own money
Yes, it has been pointed out to them.

Having said that, there are some lovely people who will help out and who have been known to put extra in the pot.

Tidy up time now is quite structured: we get some of the kids to shout "Tidy up time!" and, having not yet learned tact, they have been known to march up to the gossipers and remind them

I suppose often it's different expectations. We're doing something that we believe will benefit the kids. We're expecting people who just want to sit and talk and drink coffee to take some interest in those children and what we've provided for them when, in actual fact, they couldn't really care what they do so long as the kids aren't killing each other.

I was Secretary of our Playgroup and we had similar issues. We began asking for volunteers and got no response, then we got "hardass" and issued a rota with their name and date on it, told them to sort out diary clashes themselves and if they didn't do their rota day, the facility wouldn't open and they'd have to take their child home again unless someone else stepped up.

There were a lot of mutterings but it worked in the end. Making THEM responsible for the continued success of the Playgroup did the trick.

Good luck, it's hard work but I remember enjoying it very much.

Tanith good grief that sounds dreadful!

We have tidy up time too. After the toys etc get tidied away it's snack time and then songs.

It seems to work pretty well.

Can you draw up a "code of conduct" and ensure everyone signs up to it?

We

My DM ran a small community playgroup for twenty years but gave up a few years before she planned to retire as she sadly felt people wanted more and more from the group while putting less and less effort in.

I suspect when it started and you joined it was clear that this was something that wouldn't happen unless you made it happen, you pulled together to do it whereas now the parents see it as a service provided that they attend (and pay to do so?) They don't feel the same investment.

I think you need to communicate clearly to the attendees that it is a service which will go if they don't support it and what is expected of them. Some suggestions about how to do this are upthread.

We do charge, but a very small amount, and it goes straight back into buying toys and snack, we certainly don't make any money from it. We're entirely voluntary.

Tondelayo - I don't think so, we just get people through the door, it's quite informal, so I'm not sure that would work. There are regulars, but there are also people who just turn up now and again.

There are some really good ideas here, I must implement some of them. One of the big problems I think is that the group started off really small and it was made up of friends so everyone just pitched in and there was no need for any formal arrangements. Now it's much much bigger and we need new procedures to cope. We're victims of our own success!

We have a sort of informal tidy up session but from next week I'm going to make it formal.

I understand people coming for a break, it's more the attitude that's the thing - the feeling that we're "staff" and we aren't up to expectations. I would never treat someone who I know is serving me for free like that.

We've done the newsletter, notices malarkey and it's not really worked. I'm not really sure about the rota - for those who use that, does it take much organising? The absolute last thing I want is to be a sort of boss, ordering people around and getting them to do their duty.

Raspberry - when you suggested hiring a retired person, were you offering to organise it, or were you expecting the others to do that?

I have run playgroups & I have also been an attendee.

I think part of running of a playgroup is to set it all up, clear it all away, think of games & activities to play & lead the session.

Part of being an attendee is not having to worry about clearing up, thinking of activities etc.

That said, as an attendee, I always helped. But I don't think it is entitled or selfish not to do so.

Make up a 'YOUR PLAYGROUP NEEDS YOU' poster out of that lord Kitchener one (or whoever it was)

Different - do you feel that way even if the organisers are clearly struggling and are asking for help? Attendees blather on about how great the group is but then seem happy for it to just wither away from lack of volunteers :(

I went to a Stay and Play which was quite informal but when you signed in (and blu-tacked on the walls) there was a short 'rules' list / code of conduct including being expected to help tidy away and throw away your mess. That was the sort of thing I was thinking of...