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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay to go to a baby shower?

109 replies

cantlivewithoutdom · 24/04/2014 22:38

A friend of mine has two sisters, both of them are organising a baby shower for her. They have sent the invite out (via Facebook) and are requesting that we all give money to them (on the day or before) to pay for the costs.

I'm assuming this is the cost of the food/drink because it's being hosted at one of the sisters houses.

Now I wouldn't mind in the slightest if they said please could you contribute by bringing food with you, but I think asking for money and then probably expecting you to turn up with a gift is rather crass?

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 25/04/2014 10:44

thetallest that is precisely why I don't agree with them

I am very uncomfortable celebrating something that hasn't actually happened yet.

Sallyingforth · 25/04/2014 10:44

OP
Reply to the invitation on FB with a link to this thread :)

MistressDeeCee · 25/04/2014 10:45

This is another Americanism thats gaining popularity in the UK, and I think it will offend the sensibiliteis of many. UK & USA just aren't the same, in many ways. I would make my excuses and not attend, the whole concept is too 'grabby' for me (not necessarily mum to be's fault, could be the over-zealous friends/family) ..see mum to be on other days and give a gift and my time when the baby is born.

Fullpleatherjacket · 25/04/2014 10:46

Did they send the invite in rhyme? Grin

I am old so hadn't realised baby showers were catching on here

ThatsMyOnlyShirt · 25/04/2014 10:54

Oh no! I was going to throw a baby shower for my sister at my house, but have it as more of an afternoon tea vibe. No eating nappies or shit like that.

She has had a really rough 6 months so I thought it would be nice to show her she has friends & family who support her & the baby.

Do you think I should say something about gifts once the baby is here?

ThatsMyOnlyShirt · 25/04/2014 10:56

Kind of like what Boffin suggested.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2014 11:04

Maybe don't do either, Boomboom? If I was having a few friends round for coffee, I don't tell them what to bring with them in the way of cakes, etc., I provide it myself.
Surely a baby shower is something similar on a larger scale? Same principle applies; if you can't afford to host your guests, don't.
With the gift expectation attached to baby showers it's doubly stingy and tacky to expect guests to take care of the buffet themselves.

Oddthomas · 25/04/2014 11:04

In my circle of friends we have had a surprise baby shower whenever one of us is expecting a baby. The guest lists are not huge, it's just our group and the mum/sisters of whoever is having the baby, and the venue is usually someone's house. Everyone chips in a fiver towards a joint gift and we all bring something for the buffet, those of us who have DC still in nappies (most of us!) usually donate a few nappies each and make them into a nappy cake. There's no expectation to bring an additional gift on the day or to give another gift when the baby is born and its all done by mutual agreement rather than "I'm having a baby, give me stuff!!" and it all gets reciprocated - birthdays, engagements, etc.

It's possible to have a shower without being a grabby dick or charging people to attend.

EverythingCounts · 25/04/2014 11:24

That sounds ok Thomas but surely it's not a surprise if it's all by mutual agreement and you always do it?

I think the double round of presents is an outcome of showers becoming more common, which is difficult if you're strapped for cash. At work I have been caught by this where I have organised a collection for someone going off on mat leave, bought a present, and then when baby arrives having people say 'shall we put together for a present' when we've already done one - it feels rude to say 'I've bought one already, I don't want to pay for another'.

SirChenjin · 25/04/2014 11:25

If everyone is genuinely on board with the whole baby shower thing (as opposed to hating them, but feeling they've got to go along with it because it's become a group thing) then that's one thing - but throwing a party that's either a baby shower/not a baby shower but please come anyway and bring a present (although of course you don't have to, but everyone else will and you'll be the odd one out if you don't) is just naff - esp. if you're charging people to attend Shock

Undercurrent · 25/04/2014 11:31

What I assume the original idea of these were is great. A group of older more experienced mothers (eg, mum, aunts, neighbours and friends) sharing their experience of motherhood with the mum-to-be. And giving gifts of things you never thought you'd need. I imagine this scene in the 1950s America and everyone would bring a plate of food with them. A nice get together while the menfolk were at work. And they played ridiculous games because that's all there was!
Maybe it just hasn't translated well over here.
I've only been to one and it did feel a bit odd as it was a various little groups of friends of mum-to-be playing games in a small living room. It was hard to get to socialise with new people as it was interrupted by games. Maybe would have been more fun if we'd all known each other.
Anyway I undecided whether they are crass or not. It sounds to me oddthomas's friends have the balance right.

Oddthomas · 25/04/2014 16:25

It's usually the timing that's a surprise and there's a contest over who can come up with the most outlandish excuse to get the recipient to be at so-and-so's house for a certain time :o

Trooperslane · 25/04/2014 16:29

Eek. Yuck.

Trooperslane · 25/04/2014 16:31

This is why I'm wary if doing anything for my dd's first birthday.

I'd love people to celebrate with us but I also know the party's for us not her - she won't have a clue what's going on - but I want to mark it in some way.

SirChenjin · 25/04/2014 16:39

No, inviting a small handful of people from your immediate family to mark the first birthday is fine - you're actually celebrating something as opposed to something that might (fingers crossed, all going well) happen a la baby showers.

Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 25/04/2014 17:26

That's tacky and grabby IMO secretly hoping it's not my 2 sisters who are dying to throw me a baby shower and I keep putting them off Grin Asking to bring a dish would be much better IMO, or hosting it in a cafe/restaurant/tea room or similar so people could spend as much or as little as they wanted on a cup of tea or a 3 course meal.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/04/2014 19:53

Tacky, grasping and beyond cheeky. If you cant afford to host a party then you shouldnt be having one.

Most are done with the aim to get as many presents as possible. Parents paying for their own child seems to have gone out the window along with a bride and groom paying for their own honeymoon.

dolphinsandwhales · 25/04/2014 20:11

Don't go OP! I never had a baby shower, rarely get invited to one either.

Writerwannabe83 · 25/04/2014 20:19

OMG - just when I thought the concept of Baby Showers couldn't be any worse......

I'm so Shock that I don't know what to say.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 25/04/2014 20:20

Yanbu. Baby showers are pointless. Buy the baby a nice present after he arrives and don't bother with going to the shower.

I've only been to one which was I must admit was ok but it was quite a low key event but we definitely were not asked to contribute. We bought the mum to be a little gift for her as I'd like to buy the baby a present after he/she has arrived. The other shower I was invited to I must admit I avoided.

WhateverLover · 25/04/2014 20:28

I recently went to a baby shower that was afternoon tea which we paid £10 for plus £10 towards a gift hamper. I didn't think anything of it but reading this thread... I have 7 friends due to give birth by October. I think it's going to be an expensive summer Hmm

JRmumma · 25/04/2014 20:37

I was invited to a baby shower last year where the mum to be had made a gift list as you would for a wedding! Gifts on the list included nursery furniture and pram!

I didn't go.......

meg76uk · 25/04/2014 21:14

I'm American, and quite like baby showers. Dismissing them as vile and crass if you've never or rarely been to one seems a bit harsh...for us they're meant to be a lovely old fashioned celebration of a first baby, helping new parents with kitting out the myriad stuff a baby requires. And play silly games and tell birth horror stories whilst sipping gin--while the mom to be has apple juice and goes pale.

I gather that here it's sometimes seen as unlucky to buy a gift pre-baby, but that's an alien thought for us. It's entirely normal behavior in the US and as common as a wedding reception here (ie, would be strange NOT to have one). And yes, we have a registry list as a matter of course, so the parents can choose what they'd prefer to get (pushchair, car seat, cot.) Most guests much prefer this as it takes the stress of shopping out. And big ticket things are usually given by groups...no one expects a car seat as entry price to the shower. But every mother I know vastly prefers when thoughtful gifts are brought--favorite childhood books were a theme at mine. My son was born with a library, all with notes inside from people who loved him already.

That said, there's also a recent push in the US to make them overblown and, increasingly self-hosted. It's not always pretty. Asking for cash is just rude, expecting a donation to fund the party is unheard of. I think maybe the notion of a shower is being conflated with people who just have zero manners.

Only1scoop · 25/04/2014 21:20

See where Meg is coming from.

I have rels in US. They enjoy baby showers....Bridal showers etc. As someone else said up thread.... I believe it's customary to gift at the shower and not again when the baby arrives.

Somehow it sits better with me as a tradition across the pond. Now we have Proms....trick or treatin.... And now baby showers which I think over here are hosted often quite thoughtlessly as the Op describes this one.

As for the organising your own just NO....NO....NO Confused

EddieStobbart · 25/04/2014 21:25

I dunno, I had two. The first was a complete surprise, I thought I was going for afternoon tea with a couple of friends and then noticed another friend was in the same place, what a coincidence - then realised I recognised the whole table. The second was organised by a friend but by that time more friends had had kids and lots of showers so not a surprise. It's alway afternoon tea and a bit of a chat, everyone pays for the pregnant friend and brings a small present. I've always quite enjoyed and I normally really unsociable. Never organised by pregnant person (I've arranged for other friends) and I've never heard anyone complaining if they didn't have one.

Back to your point - I think it's ok if they spell out what the cash is for i.e. they are spending £50 on food, could anyone who is able chip in x, but I only think this because all the ones I have been to have been in a hotel or restaurant so food needed paying for anyway.