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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conditions

29 replies

Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 14:50

That I can't agree to the condition that my Husbands wants and that is - I can't ask my kids [23 & 21]to go into our bedroom and get/put something in there for me as he doesn't want them in our bedroom "under any circumstances" as that's our private space. I understand that its not right for them to just walk in etc., but if I want them to get me something then they have my permission surely. But he's steadfast about it.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 23/04/2014 14:52

Welcome to MN.

Presumably your DC are from a previous marriage and you have only just started living together under the same roof for the first time?

mummymeister · 23/04/2014 15:00

has he just come up with this condition after years of marriage then or is he a new partner who has come into your family. tbh I think he is being a bit of a twat. if I wanted my DD to fetch me a cardigan from my room that's one thing. I wouldn't expect her to wander in to our room for no reason. but then neither do I go in her room and if she is in there I always knock - that's a common courtesy. this sounds like a territorial male behaviour. as for being steadfast about it, is it just his room then or half yours?

Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 15:13

No they're his children - and yes he's recently come up with this as our younger child [21] has moved back in [she hopes temporarily] after problems with her partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 15:15

We've lived in the same house for 25yrs and it's always been our bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 15:15

When I say his children - I mean ours together.

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 23/04/2014 15:20

Sounds a bit weird to me. Wouldn't like to be the daughter in your house. Does he have any other new restrictions?

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 23/04/2014 15:23

I do not think it is weird at all, Why should he not have his own personal space?

wellcoveredsparerib · 23/04/2014 15:25

Did he not want her to come home? It sounds to me as if he is trying to make her feel slightly unwelcome, more like a guest than immediate family.

Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 15:34

Yes, she has to pay £30 per week board and buy her own food. If she's watching TV in the lounge he states that he can just walk in an put whatever he wants on as he pays for the media/internet. Not arguing with that but it plain rude/bad manners to do that. She can't be banging around in evenings, no lounging around the house in her PJs [she has a full-time job mon-fri] so this would only be on weekends if she's in! Say's he hasn't got a problem with her coming home, but it's "our" time [meaning me & him ie we've raised them].

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 15:36

I'm not saying he can't have his own space - but on insisting they can't go in even if I've asked them that's restricting me in my own home how is that no weird?

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wellcoveredsparerib · 23/04/2014 16:07

I think it is fine that she pays you both some rent, but doing the whole "my house my rules" business makes your dh sound selfish and mean spirited. I am sure your dad will leave again as soon as she is able. That will please him, but how about you?

wellcoveredsparerib · 23/04/2014 16:08

dd, not dad!

CarmineRose1978 · 23/04/2014 16:15

My dad was like this when I lived at home. I came back home in my twenties to do a phd at the local university and he never let me forgot that it was his house, his rules. I get that I couldn't have done the phd without living at home on his sufferance, but how he made it clear he was suffering! He was verbally abusive and even physically abusive at times to me if he felt he wasnt getting his own way. It poisoned our relationship, tbh, and now (childishly) when he comes to stay with me and my partner, I make it quite clear that it's MY house, and MY rules.

Famzilla · 23/04/2014 16:17

Your DH sounds like a complete arse.

Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 16:28

I'm glad to see her, but I understand that she's only here temporarily and I'm OK with that I want her to be happy and settled in her relationship.

I think it will ruin his relationship with his kids later in life, my older child has your views CarmineRose1978 he's said when he's got his own place he will treat him the same as he treats them now!!! if he invites him at all!!!

Famzilla - Many would agree with you!

It's leaving me in a difficult position and with alot to think about!

OP posts:
merlehaggard · 23/04/2014 16:29

I wouldn't let my husband treat my/our kids like it. Does he not know that kids are for life, not just for Christmas???

ThePriory · 23/04/2014 16:34

It just sounds to me like after being able to relax in his own home with it all to himself, he now has a grown-up living in the house again, and is not that happy about it.

The rent is normal, my parents asked for 50 a week when I moved back aged 21 for a while... (no weird rules though)

It's a bit harsh and all, but as men get older they can go a bit 'funny'...

culturemulcher · 23/04/2014 16:38

Aside from the quite strange nature of his conditions (why shouldn't someone who works Mon-Fri lounge around at weekends?), surely if your DD is paying rent then she should be allowed the same freedoms of the house as you and DH?

I can understand that he probably wants to encourage her to get on with her own life and move out at some point, but surely it was her house too before she moved out? It seems odd that he wants to treat her more strictly than he'd treat a guest.

Is there anything particularly private in your bedroom that he wouldn't want her to see?

Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 16:38

The thing is all these conditions etc., are affecting our relationship and this should be when we can do what we want, but his attitude is making it difficult for me to want do things/be with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitz66 · 23/04/2014 16:43

No our bedroom is quite normal - he just wants it to our space [no objection] but how can he say I can't ask them to go in if I want them to get something for me???? eg., say if I've left my jacket on the bed and I'm downstairs I'd probably shout up to either on of them if they're upstairs and ask them to get it for me but he's saying I can't do that?????

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culturemulcher · 23/04/2014 16:55

In that case, he is being ridiculous. Think it might be time for a chat.

daisychain01 · 23/04/2014 16:57

Aghast! This is taking the concept of "house rules" to a new level.

There is a balance between DCs showing respect, and making them feel like they are living in a boarding house. Your DH is clearly way along the extreme of that spectrum.

If he wants to alienate his children, he is going about it the right way Sad

SlimJiminy · 23/04/2014 18:15

Did he approve of her relationship? Could this be his way of saying "I told you so"?

AnyFucker · 23/04/2014 18:17

Does he leave his gimp suit and chains set up in there or summat ?

Eatriskier · 23/04/2014 18:23

I moved back into my parents a few years back for a few months. I wouldn't have dreamed of going into my parents bedroom at all unless anyone asked me to. That's all very odd.