to be surprised they have been accepted to foster

[NachoAddict]

Dps ex and her partner have signed contracts to become foster parents, she has given up her job and from what she has said they are just waiting to be allocated two children.

I know its none of my business hence me speculating here and not in rl, but I am very surprised they have been accepted and wonder if they have been entirely truthful.

Main reasons are : Dsd is 5 years old, she is currently living in her 8th home, attending her 4th school and is living with her 3rd live in step dad. Surely if ex is incapable of providing a stable home life for her own dd, she doesn't have much hope of providing it for foster children either?

She and her partner met less than 2 years ago. Ex was visiting her mum in a priory type clinic when she met her partner on a smoking break. He was there being treated as an inpatient for a cocaine addiction.

She was pregnant within 3 months of meeting him and their relationship has been volatile since with them splitting up several times most recently November last year.

She relies heavily on mil for help with dsd and also now with her new dd. Since dsd was a baby she has spent several nights a week with mil, upto two weeks at a time. She also spends usually two nights a week with us, more at holidays and has overnight stays with her other nan. So basically she doesn't spend a lot of time with her mum. Why she would want to add extra children into the mix when she doesn't look after her own is beyond me.

So are fostering criteria really that lenient, am I being unreasonable to be surprised about this.

It is commendable what you are doing, OP but while I hesitate to say she isn't your responsibility as I feel that we all should look after any child who needs someone there has to be a better way than you staying with someone who doesn't make you happy.

They can't have been to panel if they are still waiting for references.

In my experience everything needs to be there for panel otherwise they will rebook it.

I doubt they have been approved pending references etc.

We were approved and had our first placement within a week.

I would be shocked if the LA had allowed a panel to go ahead with incomplete info.

She could be lying about having been to panel but I don't know why she would? Maybe to make it all sound like a done deal.

I think I will have to ring. If they already know about everything then nothing is lost, if they don't, well they should do. If the conversation I heard is the extent of the references questioning then I don't think much of them to be fair. Dp could have been anyone, they didn't even meet in person.

What should I say? Just say what I put in my opening post?

MrsDevre you are right. He is a weak person who always takes the path of least resistance.

Blimey OP. normally threads questioning other people's parenting skills are met with a "mind your own business" (and rightly so a lot of the time), but in this instance YANBU, not at all! I suspect, as a lot of other posters have said, she hasn't been approved yet but is making it seem that way. Or at least I hope so because this is such an unstable environment for any child, never mind foster children who are desperate for stability. I would call SS, it's simply not fair on any incoming children and on her two existing ones.
What possesses people who clearly can't cope with their existing children that they need to foster? Fostering is no picnic, in many ways much harder than raising your own biological children.

Lady I was expecting a bit of a flaming, I am very surprised too. I always think its a shame for dsd how nothing is ever permanent for her never mind a fc.

That's very good advice MrsDevre, Thank you. I will call tomorrow, I finish work before dp so will call then.

I feel a bit intimidated as during the phone call the social work had with dp, he seemed very much in x's corner and was leading dp to the answers he wanted. I don't think he will be best pleased about the concerns I have.

Please call the fostering service and let them know. You can remain anonymous.

I speak as one who knew a child in Canada who had been placed with horrible foster parents who neglected and sexually abused him. It shouldn't happen to a dog

Mexican I really don't think they would abuse any child. I just think that a vulnerable child needs stability and security and I don't think they can provide that.

I am so sorry you experienced that.

I know nothing about fostering but have several friends with adopted children who had dreadful starts in life. You must not let a vulnerable child be out into anything but a stable home. I am really shocked that they are being considered.

Sadly people do foster for money and with a private agency you do get £400 per week per child.
Also LA's can pay up to £400 per week depending what level you are on.
There are some fantastic foster carers but sadly there are quite a lot who aren't.

Do you get paid if you don't currently have a child? i am assuming not? Maybe that's why they are keeping the baby in with them to make two spare rooms, double the children = double the money.

With my La you get paid if you don't have a placement but with agencies you don't.

I think you have to keep it very clear and non emotional so you cannot be brushed off as a bitter OW or something.

Say you have a few concerns and wanted to make sure they are aware of some issues.
It will probably help to write it down before you call.

If you are not going to remain anonymous an email is better than a phone call because it leaves a trail.

^^^

Absolutely this!

You have to go through a lengthy, thorough vetting process. Seems doubtful that if everything you've said is true, they'll be approved lightly.

That's exactly what I thought Feathery there is more that I could have added to my op but I have stuck to the truthful basic facts without adding in my opinions etc. That's why I was gobsmacked they have apparently been accepted.

Anyone who I have mentioned it to in real life have all had the same response. What?? She doesn't look after her own kids, never mind anyone elses. That's not to say she is neglectful because she's not, she just spends very little time actually parenting.

op double the children might equal double the money but it is also double the work and stress. I must admit most fc's I meet at courses etc are kind people who really want to foster and make a difference to a child's life. It really wouldn't be worth it to do it just for the money, although foster carers have to live and pay bills the same as anyone. Some children can be quite affected by their past and their behaviours can be appalling. You can have weeks months where you don't get any sleep and your days are filled with meetings, contacts etc. your house can be trashed and your possessions destroyed and your kindness can be rewarded with a child spitting in your face. Please don't be crude about the money foster carers get, they deserve every penny.

Merry I am sorry you were offended by my post, I think if you read the thread properly I have acknowledged that it is not the case that most foster carers are in it for the money and indeed it is hard hard work which shouldn't be taken lightly. My post was referring to the attitude of one particular individual who I can assure you, is not going into this with any real idea of what is involved and certainly not for genuine kind hearted reasons.

Again I am sorry if you thought I was making light of what foster carers must go through and the effort they put in. Its a job that I certainly couldn't do.

I'm sorry nacho I've had a particularly difficult time lately with a child and was feeling a bit defensive. Sorry, again

Sorry to hear that, I cant even begin to imagine how difficult it is to do what you do.

Merry I know what you mean about feeling defensive.
When I tell people I'm a foster Carer they regularly say "that's well paid isn't it" .
It implies I'm doing it for the money and I know I'm one of the "good" foster carers.
I do think though, after meeting a lot of other carers, quite a few are clearly just doing it for the money and treat the fc very differently from their own children.
And like I said previously, I do think it can be very well paid if you are with an agency or a decent La and have 2 or 3 placements.
Nacho did you ring the social worker?

Yes, all my admiration for good foster parents and all the more important that the bad ones should be weeded out.

Nacho, I really didn't mean to imply that I thought the people you are concerned about would sexually abuse a child, I was just referring to importance of foster parents being properly vetted and supervised.

"What?? She doesn't look after her own kids, never mind anyone else's. That's not to say she is neglectful because she's not, she just spends very little time actually parenting."

Same as my neighbour who is fostering. Her MIL has the kids more than she does. She also has ben through every local play school and nursery as she causes problems. She also got really angry when my friend refused to go to the shop to buy cigarettes for the foster child.

Oh dear Itsfab she sounds awful!!

Not yet Plush I left my phone at home. I felt lost without it all day!

I will definitely ring though, I think fostering is something that is really admirable and I don't think it is fair to put vulnerable children through any more upheaval than they have already been through.

I still think I am interfering though.