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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AMIBU�to want to know more about the back-story of my STB Step-daughter?

101 replies

MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:20

Disclaimer.
Yes, I m a bloke, a decent one I hope.
I try. Just want some advice.
Getting absolutely nowhere with male friends on this. Useless gits!
A good long-term female married buddy suggested I try here, as she is stumped.
I have had a look around on various threads and tried to learn the lingo, and I think this is the best place to post. Flame away if you feel like it! But I would like some advice if poss.
-------
Next year DP and I will be getting married. But one subject has always been off limits. Always! For years It is starting to drive me crazy. AIBU???
Just so you know, I love my DP totally, and trust her with everything.
Her DD is nearly 17 and quite the modern young lady and we are good friends, but I cant possibly raise this issue with her!
I adore my DP and we have always been very open and honest about everything, including talking about ex-Ps, open about money etc. parental difficulties, getting STI tests before embarking on serious relationship etc. I feel completely comfortable talking with her about everything but

The subject of the parentage of her daughter is never to be spoken of.

We are getting married next year and I feel I should know. AIBU?
I have, for several years, happpily fended off questions from friends and family about this, but with the marriage impending, it is becoming increasingly difficult. I dont really care what other people think, I love DP, and am committed to her.
I realise it maybe something dodgy, like rape or ??, but I will love her anyway.
I have not pressurised her on this, but feel it is something I need to know about.
Who is the Dad? Alive or dead? Is he going to show up some time? (I can deal with that, but I dont even know if he exists!?!?!!)
It is starting to eat into me, and I do not want it to become a worm in my brain and bug me forever.
I just feel, if we are to be married, shouldnt we know everything about each other?
Or am I being an insecure idiot about this?
Thanks,

OP posts:
Happyringo · 20/04/2014 07:23

I wouldn't marry someone who kept such a secret from me. Even if she never wants to discuss it again, you deserve to be told the truth before the wedding. What have her wider family been told? Do they know?

Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:24

Just so you know. She will Not. Discuss. This. Ever.

hmmm....

OP posts:
Happyringo · 20/04/2014 07:27

Ok well it's your call! I know I wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't prepared to share their life with me.

YoHoHoandabottleofWine · 20/04/2014 07:28

Has she told her DD? If not then I don't think it is fair that she tells you either. However not discussing it with DSD IF she wants to know is probably a bigger issue.

Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:30

Thanks Happy.
Her parents are deceased, and family are scattered around the globe. Whilst I am friends with her favourite bro on FB, I have never met any of her family in person.
I accept this as we are currently in different countries and she is not British.
And no, she is not 'mail-order'!! She is a graduate and deputy-head teacher of a girls-school, just happens to work abroad at the momenent!

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 20/04/2014 07:31

What difference would it make to your life if you knew the answer? Apart from been able to tell the nosy people who keep asking you?

Your dp doesn't want to discuss it, it doesn't affect you. I think drop it. Look to the future not to the past.

olympicsrock · 20/04/2014 07:31

YANBU. You should know about something this big. What reason does she give to refuse to discuss?

AuntieStella · 20/04/2014 07:33

I'm not sure this is an AIBU.

Because what you are looking at here is a hugely important head-on incompatibility which does not have a 'compromise' option. It doesn't actually matter who is being reasonable, because the issue simply diesn't fall in those terms.

What does matter is whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:34

I don't know if DSD knows. Surely she must? Everything else in our (DP & me), relationship is perfect.
Just this one thing can not ever be spoken of.

Wierd? or AIBU?

OP posts:
InspirationFailed · 20/04/2014 07:36

Why is it so important that you know who her DDs father is? There must be a good reason why she doesn't want to talk about it. I think it's a bit strange that your obsessing over it to be honest and I can't see why it matters, he's not around and the DD is 17 so hardly likely that anyone will turn up asking for access! I don't think it's any of your business sorry.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 20/04/2014 07:37

Well it's obviously something very difficult for her. Worst case is probably rape/abuse/dv. There are loads of different reasons. If you think all of them through is there really anything that would stop you from marrying her? If not then I would just have one final convo about it. Just say you love her, the reason you have asked is because you are concerned for her and for your life together and that no matter what it wouldn't change your opinion of her or that you live her. Then give her a kiss and a cuddle and leave it.

VivaLeBeaver · 20/04/2014 07:38

Its quite possible dsd doesn't know. Dp could have reasons for not wanting her to know. You should respect her choice.

Eebahgum · 20/04/2014 07:39

I agree that she should tell you but not sure what you can actually do. If you love her, would you actually hold off a wedding over this? How far down the conversation do you get before she cuts you off? Have you been able to explain all you've written in your post? Maybe she would at least answer your questions with yes no answers (eg does x know anything about her father, no, is he likely to turn up at some point, no). If not, could you write down what you've said about why you want to know for her to read and mull over?

DevonFolk · 20/04/2014 07:39

I think that given the openness and honesty in the rest of your relationship, it does seem strange that this is something she isn't willing to discuss. However, it also implies that she has her reasons and they must be pretty good ones.

Maybe you could just say to her that you understand it's clearly a difficult subject for her but you accept that she doesn't want to talk about it. It's important that she doesn't feel any pressure to tell you. And is it really that big a deal that you don't know? If the DD was adopted there'd be even less chance of knowing who her father is and I'm sure you wouldn't consider that to be a problem?

SixImpossible · 20/04/2014 07:40

Not quite the same, I know, but dh has refused ever to share any details about his previous partner/s. He has told me that he only had one before me. He has never been secretive or defensive, simply refused to engage in discussion. I don't know why.

I had to make up my mind whether this was a deal-breaker. And I decided that everything was so right in every other way, that it was something I could accept. Ultimately, it does not affect my trust in dh.

It is different for you, because of the possibility that another person may turn up in your lives. But OTOH, if your relationship with your dp and stb-sdd is sound, then that is more important than any what-ifs.

Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:44

Viva,
Thanks, I agree on pricinciple. What you say makes sense. I am here because, although I can be rational about that, it still bugs the hell out of me.
Olympics
She. Will. Not. Discuss. Ever.
hmmm..
Auntie,
No, its not a deal-breaker. I will love her no matter what. Perhaps I'm being a twat?

OP posts:
Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 07:52

Whoa! where did adoption come in? She is her mother's daughter, one can see that straight away.

No it is NOT a deal-breaker if she never tells me.

I was asking.
Why won't she tell me? We discuss the most intimate things, good and bad.
Why does it bug me so much?

and of course,
AIMU?

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 20/04/2014 07:53

No I don't think you're being a twat. I think it's human nature to be inquisitive. Hell, I want to know and I've never even met the woman!

Jinty64 · 20/04/2014 07:55

I think, as the DD is 17, it is partly her story to tell and as such, is between her and her mother. If she was much younger I may feel differently. It may be that the DD doesn't know and that's a problem in itself but if the DD is aware she may not want this information shared.

You say it is difficult fielding off questions of her parentage from friends and family so, if she tells you, will it be easier because you can just tell them the truth? She clearly doesn't want anyone to know and if you don't know you can't accidentally let anything "slip" or just tell someone because it's too difficult to field them off. I would marry her and trust she has her reasons.

Kitsmummy · 20/04/2014 07:59

There may be a very dark secret that she can't risk the dd finding out, so telling ANYONE increases the risk of that secret coming out at some point

SixImpossible · 20/04/2014 08:00

YANBU to be curious or interested. YABU to expect perfection. There is no such thing as perfection, only good compromise. If you can compromise on this, then you need to let it go, otherwise it will sour things for you.

Cornettoninja · 20/04/2014 08:03

I'm honestly not sure.

DP a family member whose the same (based firmly in the UK so not your fiancée) and imho it's more of a drama because she won't say. I would have just made up something rather than turn it into a mystery - it just makes people focus on it more.

I suppose in a way it's a good sign of her honesty that she's rather just tell you she's not prepared to discuss it rather than lie.

Is it so important to you that you're prepared to push it to the point she either tells you or it becomes a deal breaker for her?

Original poster
MallGalleries · 20/04/2014 08:08

Wow. I didn't expect so many responses!
Thank you all.

Well, my heart says it is not a deal-breaker. The marriage is going ahead!
My head, still worries that if she can't tell me this, what else is there?

Guess, I have to trust her and do it anyway?

I understand and respect that she doen't want to discuss, but I am concerned she won't share, I just don't feel comfortable about it.
Look. I know it not just about me, but if we are going to be together forever, shouldn't I know?
Do I just give her as much time as it takes?

OP posts:
Bardette · 20/04/2014 08:11

I think you need to work out what part of this bothers you. Is it that you don't know who he is? You're worried he might show up? Are you worried that she may have experienced something traumatic? Or is it that she is keeping a secret from you?
Then maybe you could ask her for enough information to satisfy you but she doesn't have to discuss it in detail. Maybe if you knew the reason why she doesn't want to you would be happy not knowing the details.

PicaK · 20/04/2014 08:11

I'm with her. This is info that belongs to her and her daughter. For her own reason she has chosen not to tell you.

In some ways your reaction sounds like the things you hear on the adopted threads where relatives demand to know the back story of the child being adopted and are outraged when they are politely and rightly told it's none of their business.

I don't see how knowing would benefit you. It's your dsd's story. I respect a lady who protects her own ds like that.

I would put in a letter that you can't wait to marry her, that you admire and respect the way she has brought up her daughter into a lovely young lady, that you utterly respect her decision to not discuss this but you want her to know that you would always, alwaya unquestionably support her. You will ensure that your family never trouble her about this or you'll give them hell if you do.

Then tell your relatives to back off (or there's a handy mumsnet phrase you may come across in your digging around) and respect your wife to be.

Let this go. If all is well in other areas of your life then what does it matter? As secrets go it's not poisonous or harming anyone etc.