AMIBU�to want to know more about the back-story of my STB Step-daughter?

[MallGalleries]

Disclaimer.
Yes, I m a bloke, a decent one I hope.
I try. Just want some advice.
Getting absolutely nowhere with male friends on this. Useless gits!
A good long-term female married buddy suggested I try here, as she is stumped.
I have had a look around on various threads and tried to learn the lingo, and I think this is the best place to post. Flame away if you feel like it! But I would like some advice if poss.
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Next year DP and I will be getting married. But one subject has always been off limits. Always! For years It is starting to drive me crazy. AIBU???
Just so you know, I love my DP totally, and trust her with everything.
Her DD is nearly 17 and quite the modern young lady and we are good friends, but I cant possibly raise this issue with her!
I adore my DP and we have always been very open and honest about everything, including talking about ex-Ps, open about money etc. parental difficulties, getting STI tests before embarking on serious relationship etc. I feel completely comfortable talking with her about everything but

The subject of the parentage of her daughter is never to be spoken of.

We are getting married next year and I feel I should know. AIBU?
I have, for several years, happpily fended off questions from friends and family about this, but with the marriage impending, it is becoming increasingly difficult. I dont really care what other people think, I love DP, and am committed to her.
I realise it maybe something dodgy, like rape or ??, but I will love her anyway.
I have not pressurised her on this, but feel it is something I need to know about.
Who is the Dad? Alive or dead? Is he going to show up some time? (I can deal with that, but I dont even know if he exists!?!?!!)
It is starting to eat into me, and I do not want it to become a worm in my brain and bug me forever.
I just feel, if we are to be married, shouldnt we know everything about each other?
Or am I being an insecure idiot about this?
Thanks,

It would bug me too ('bug' not really the right word). Could you maybe say to her something like 'I'm absolutely fine with the fact that you're not going to tell me who the dad is, all I do want to ask is why you can't / don't want to tell me' (at least this may give you a little insight into it) and if you're not even given that info then ask her to consider how she would feel if the shoe was on other foot.

Cross posted with Bardett but pretty much what they said!

If you raise it again, don't say "if it's rape, I'd love you anyway". That sounds like you'd be willing to forgive her for having been a victim of a serious sexual assault.

If it's a secret from everyone, the less you know, the easier it is to keep it a secret. I agree it's frustrating because you're curious, but I don't think you need to know. If you can't let this go, maybe look into some couples counselling to help you find a way to work around this.

I do think she's within her rights to keep something to herself. It would drive me nuts though.. its human nature to be curious.

But I do think you deserve some reassurance to whether he's around or is he likely to pop up one day. I would feel like a right dick if a past I had been deliberately excluded from knowing about popped up and upset everybody.

Six,
Thanks. I don't expect perferction, and nor does she, thank the {chosen diety} !!
I know I should let it go, perhaps you can think of a reasonable 'white lie' I can use in the meantime?
Parents SO traditional, if my older brother wasn't divorced and remarried they wouldn't accepted she wasn't a virgin!!!!
Still difficult tho!

Cornettoninja
uff! I would never press it so far it became a deal-breaker for us, that is why I am asking if IABU in my own head!
I perhaps know that I should just drop it. Is this just pre-marriage nerves.?

Thank you all.

re: DStD
I'd never really considered it from her/the DD perspective before. That's an eye-opener!
hmm.. will give that a bit more thought!

DP
As several have said, she is honest to say "we. do. not. discuss. this. ever" rather than lying.
She has been very accepting of my previous, ahem, deeds... (before her/us)!!!
It not that I don't trust her, I guess I am concerned about some unknown person/family turning up one day and causing problems.

Thank you all for lettiing me see where my real worry is, not with her, but the unknown 'other'

Well I think that no, IANBU to worry about this, but I should just accept her totally for who she is. Mysteries included. Not worry about it, but be prepared for the unexpected!

Wedding still on, just so you know!

Thanks for all the advice and insights.
Much appreciated Mumsnet!
(new fan!)

I don't get this - sorry.

What would she say? "It's john smith." That inevitably leads to - who is john smith, where did you meet him, how did you know him? Is that what you want? Or just the name?

It was probably not anything dark but a ONS or something. It's easy to say loftily "I would not judge her" but by saying you wouldn't judge, you are - you are, in effect, saying you would overlook this.

In any case it must be almost 18 years ago so doesn't matter, does it? I would leave well alone.

I had my eldest daughter before I met DH. She was three when we met... Just coming up for 21 now.

I have never told DH her fathers name or anything about him. He isn't on the scene in any way so it isn't relevant.

If my DH had pushed for information I would have been unhappy as to me it wasn't relevant. He accepted us as a joint deal as did his family and friends.

Most people assume she is his. He never puts them right.

Good luck with your marriage x

I don't know about a white lie in this case. It might be just one more thing that could come back and bite you. What's wrong with saying that you respect her right to privacy? It's all about your relationship with your new family, not your existing family's opinions.

mallgalleries if it's not a deal breaker why are you so eager to know? Can you not accept that for whatever reason he is clearly not someone she wishes to remember and leave it at that? It could be that she has never told her dd and therefore she feels unfair telling you or the memory may be just to painful to relive.

I would perhaps tell her that you are finding the questions from your family difficult to field and ask her for an appropriate response to their queries so that should it be asked of her then she knows what you have told them if that makes sense?

Yanbu in wanting to know but I think you need to accept it's not something she wants to discuss.

I think you have to be very clear with your decision.
You can't marry her and then obsess about it. If you're choosing to proceed with the marriage on these terms it wouldnt be fair to then allow it to become an issue.

You said your friend told you about mumsnet? So have you been discussing this with someone else? If you have then you are wrong. You shouldnt be discussing the mystery of this young womans parentage with anyone.
If friends and family are asking tell them to mind their own business.

It comes across to me a bit like you want to know so you can say something to your parents/friends.

She is a 16 year old - virtually an adult. Her parentage shouldn't be a story for someone else.

There are only a few possibilities really - rape/abuse/one night stand/short term boyfriend/long term boyfriend.

In all but the last one the father probably doesn't even know the child exists.

This girl has asked her mum at some point about her father - now whatever discussion has taken place, whether it is even the truth or not it is up to the girl to discuss it with you/your parents/your friends etc.

If she doesn't want to tell the bloke her mum is marryings family about her parentage then it is her choice surely.

Your fiancé isn't keeping secrets from you - she is respecting her dd's wishes.

I would say to people "oh she doesn't have contact with her father" and leave it at that. Any further questions " well it isn't any of our business "

Does it bother you because it is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. She has no parents (?allegedly?), her siblings are scattered to the four winds(?allegedly?), you have never met any in person. The favourite brother on FB could be a hairy handed trucker for all you know. The only part of the family that you have met - the DSD - has some deep,dark secret attached to her.
She seems to lack history and hinterland. It's all a bit mysterious and arm's length.

Blackcats
No where did I say I would judge her!
If you read the whole thread I have consistently been supportive of DP.

It is a concern to me about loving, sharing, trusting and if I am being oversentiive about the matter.

Also, I woul like to know what I may, possibly, have to deal with in the future. So I can do my best for both DP and DSD.
Is that unreasonable? To be forewarned? Or to be at ease?

Kepeck.
Thanks, but there wil not be any 'bringing it up in rows', because I have accepted that;
It. is. never. to be. spoken. of.
Even in rows!!

However, I have thought through the mixed advice here and it has been most helpful. Especially the new insight about looking at it from the the DSD point of view and that there maybe a very good reason for this.

I shall continue to trust my FW and just let it go. The family will just have to put up with it. I shall adopt her attitude and just say " That is not up for discussion". Stick to my guns, and let them gossip (or bitch as they will do anyway).
Take her side, even if I'm not sure what it is!

I probably wouldn't marry someone who wasn't willing to discuss that with me. I'd wonder what other issues they may refuse to discuss and choose to keep hidden. If I met a man and he'd tell me nothing about his daughter's mother I'd be unhappy and see it as a sign he didn't trust me and wasn't willing to let me in to certain areas of his life (not that I'm desperate to know what he's thinking all the time in a controlling or overentwined way I just want him to be able to share important things).

I can totally understand your position in wanting to know. I'm pretty sure I'd be the same.

However given that whatever the circumstances of her dd's conception she clearly wants this to remain secret, yet one of the main reasons you want to know is to have something to tell your nosy relatives, I can tell you right now I'd never ever tell you either!

Your relatives need to be politely told that this is none of their business and that even if you find out you will respect your dp and sdd right to privacy and not tell them. So it is time for them to stop with the questions. If they can't respect this then they are being unreasonable and I'd expect you to back up your dp in telling them that they are not welcome until they can stop discussing her personal life which is absolutely none of their business.

I feel the same 2rebecca.

Cross posted. If the other issue for you is that you want to know if there is a chance he would ever turn up then could you say to her something along the lines of 'dp I will always respect your choice that discussion of your dd father is not going to happen. But there is one question, with a yes or no answer, that it would really help me to know. Is her father ever likely to get in touch?'

And then accept the yes or no. Even though if the answer is yes it will be difficult not to ask more at least you will be able to think through in your own mind how you will deal with that if it happened.

If she always cuts off any discussions could you send her a text / write a letter so at least she can read it and literally send a one word answer?

I know you would not judge her, but my point is that the very act of 'not judging' implies that potentially there is something to judge.

To look at it another way, if an incident had occurred 18 years ago that didn't result in a birth, you wouldn't need to know about it. I certainly think it's unusual (that she won't talk about it at all)but it does rather suggest to me there is little, if anything, to actually tell. As I've said, it could amount to '18 years ago I had sex with John Smith."

wow, senua, you are way off beam on this.! hehe! Stick to the novellas please.
I don't need to justify our relationship, we have been together for several years, both working here and abroad. not everyone has a 'regular' family. Some people die in wars that you haven't even considered. Some people have worked in these regions.
Keep your dark thoughts to yourself. It's not all 'lovely' for everyone!

And no, this is not 'the final straw' just a genuine concern that many MNetters have been VERY helpful with. I thank them.
Not 'flamers'.
Have a good day.

mallgalleries

Your decided response appears to be a sensible direction to take.

You obviously love your dp and care & support dsd.

Fwiw, i think your dp is correct....regardless of how her dd was conceived or what has happened in her past, it is entirely her business.

I understand your point of view but the more you post the more i can understand why she could maybe be withholding at this point.

1. it is being gossiped about & questions asked by your family & friends

2. you yourself said they could be "bitchy"

3. "take her side"...so sides are choosen in your family

Maybe she will tell you in time, maybe she won't.
We dont owe anyone an explanation to our past, we choose to share if we want to or we can.