AMIBU�to want to know more about the back-story of my STB Step-daughter?

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Disclaimer.
Yes, I m a bloke, a decent one I hope.
I try. Just want some advice.
Getting absolutely nowhere with male friends on this. Useless gits!
A good long-term female married buddy suggested I try here, as she is stumped.
I have had a look around on various threads and tried to learn the lingo, and I think this is the best place to post. Flame away if you feel like it! But I would like some advice if poss.
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Next year DP and I will be getting married. But one subject has always been off limits. Always! For years It is starting to drive me crazy. AIBU???
Just so you know, I love my DP totally, and trust her with everything.
Her DD is nearly 17 and quite the modern young lady and we are good friends, but I cant possibly raise this issue with her!
I adore my DP and we have always been very open and honest about everything, including talking about ex-Ps, open about money etc. parental difficulties, getting STI tests before embarking on serious relationship etc. I feel completely comfortable talking with her about everything but

The subject of the parentage of her daughter is never to be spoken of.

We are getting married next year and I feel I should know. AIBU?
I have, for several years, happpily fended off questions from friends and family about this, but with the marriage impending, it is becoming increasingly difficult. I dont really care what other people think, I love DP, and am committed to her.
I realise it maybe something dodgy, like rape or ??, but I will love her anyway.
I have not pressurised her on this, but feel it is something I need to know about.
Who is the Dad? Alive or dead? Is he going to show up some time? (I can deal with that, but I dont even know if he exists!?!?!!)
It is starting to eat into me, and I do not want it to become a worm in my brain and bug me forever.
I just feel, if we are to be married, shouldnt we know everything about each other?
Or am I being an insecure idiot about this?
Thanks,

I don't think your post was ridiculous senua.

Why would the father turning up at some point in the future affect the OP? This girl is 17, she is almost an adult. It might be a big deal for her, but what import would it really have for the man her mother is married to?

I had a child when I was 16. No-one knows about his biological father, except my son. I have been married twice and neither husband ever asked me about my son's parentage. I've been married 21 yrs this time, and only just realised reading this thread that neither of them have ever asked.
It's just never mattered or been an issue. Why should it be?

All these people saying "I could never marry someone who kept a secret from me that I knew existed ". I wouldn't marry someone who didn't trust my judgement or respect the choices I made for myself and my child long before he came on the scene.

I'm 55 and know little beyond the name of my father, the fact they met when my mother lived in France and the town in France. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I think by now everyone who might have known anything are dead.Still not bothered. I have been extremely successful in my professional life and have a wonderful husband and son. I'm very happy with my life.

Some of the posts on here are hysterical and not at all helpful to you. I agree that possibly asking along the lines of "I don't want details but is there any possibility of her father turning up? "The answer is almost certainly going to be no.

You must decide if you're going to continue to fret or if you can live with this.

Actually re even asking if he might turn up I agree with schnitzel what has it to with you?

1. does dd know?

2. what if your dp doesn't know? There are a number of reasons she may not.

3. What if dp is not this child's parent at all? Something like much younger relative was pregnant and she has taken the child on as her own swearing anyone in the family to secrecy?

4. What if it is incest?

5. what if dd is about to inherit £20million and dp wants to be sure you are not after the money

Couples do have secrets from each other, people will tell you they don't, but then ask if they have ever seen their partner take a poo. many have, just as many have not.

Just tell your friends/family you know and it is not something to be discussed outside the family.

I'm with Senua. You know very little about this woman yet are going to tie yourself legally and financially to her.

On another thread today a woman has been shafted by marrying a conman whose dealings before he met her were illegal and he has now been found out. She and the DC are now suffering through no fault of their own.

I would be careful if I were you.

I'm in a similar position to OP's DP. I have a DS from a previous r/l but the father is not involved and DH doesn't know any of the details (and nor does anyone else). We've been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're not a couple who shares much about our past relationships, it's something we've drawn a line under but have never dwelled on. That works for us. We have a shared marriage but we are pretty independent people still, and we are both happy with things that way. I like the way a pp described it, DH trusts and respects the choices I've made and I do the same for him. It is not the case that I've deliberately kept the truth from DH - he simply hasn't asked and isn't interested in the past.

It occurred to me that if she hasn't felt ready or able for whatever reason to tell her daughter about this yet then really you don't have the right to know.

If she wants to tell anyone she must tell her daugther first before anyone. If she told you when she doesn't feel able to tell her daughter or doesn't think she can deal with it - that would be a betrayal of her daughter to tell you if she hasn't told her.

You need to let this go.

If it's not a deal breaker for you then you are right to let it go.
It would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I'm not saying couples have to tell each other everything, but the stuff that matters. This is big. It matters. My partner's life and defining experiences ARE my business. That's why he's my partner and not some bloke I met once in a pub. We share a life. I don't know the name of everyone he has every slept with, or what his first pet was called but I sure as shit know about when his dad committed suicide and when his first girlfriend broke his heart. These experiences are part of who he is and for him to hide from me would feel unbearable.

I agree. I don't think it's any of his extended family's business, they aren't the ones planning to share a home and finances with her and I'd just tell them it's none of their business but this is the father of her child, and she chose to keep the baby not have a termination. I would feel that she didn't really trust me, and I'd probably speculate on different scenarios that may have been so awful she just wouldn't tell me. If she tells you you can then put the issue to bed and not have it hovering in the background all the time. It's a skeleton in the closet and I really couldn't be doing with the secrecy and drama of that.
If it was the daughter's pregnancy I'd feel who the father is was none of my business but to me the other parent of a child is a big person in someone's life because having a child is a big event, even if you have little to do with that person afterwards.
The not having met any of her family either would make me feel I really knew very little about her past. Is that something she is keeping hidden as well? Are they really dead? No relatives at all you could meet? I'd feel I didn't really know her. OK for a fling, not for a big committment. If she isn't ready to share her life with me I wouldn't want to share my life with her.

Thank you all!
The diverse range of opinions has certainly given me a lot to think about, and many, many new angles to consider.

You have really helped.

However, just so you know, I have decided that this is not a 'deal-breaker' and I will continue to trust her. She may have a very good reason and we will still be getting married.

If she decides to tell me at some point, so be it. If not, I now think I can live with that also.

Thanks again.

I get from your OP that it's not that you care who it is, but you do care to know some details.

So I suggest you say the following: I know we don't discuss DSD's father, and I respect your right to privacy on the identity and how it all happened but there is something I need to know: Is there ANY chance that he will come into the picture or cause issues for you/DSD/us in any way?

I'd be concerned about it not being a topic for discussion at all quite honestly. The identity, that's her and DSD's business, but you DO deserve to know if something is going to hurt your and your new family in any way. You deserve to know some details.

I know this isn't exactly respectful but the answers you are desperate for ar for wanting to know if someone is ever going to show up.
You said you talk about finances and you are getting married soon. Do you have a joint account? Do you have any way of seeing if any maintenence is paid into the bank account or anything unaccounted for that could be maintenance. Its the law to pay it. It might tell you if hes alive or not.

okaaay! ahem, I knew I was taking a risk posting on AIBU!

Some answers have been very enlightening, some ummm... not so, possibly because of lack of full details. Would like to point out that I have known her a long time and am good friends with DSS (17) who I consider my own in many respects.

Thank you sykadelic thats seems the best option. I am going to use your words, pretty much verbatim.
Thank you. Will let you know.

miltitantmango re: Joint account, not at that stage yet. It really is about 'someone showing up in the future' more than anything else. Just would like to know in advance, now I have considered it properly. Think I was being a bit hysterical myself TBH. Thanks MumsNet!

I wonder instead of asking WHO exactly it is she Might tell you Why she won't tell you? For example, you say, I know you don't want to tell me who that is and I accept that. But can you tell me why? And she says, "I was raped" or "I'm not sure who he was" or "he hurt me so badly I can't talk about it" or "he was married" or whatever.

I personally could accept any of those and leave it at that. But not telling or giving any hint Why would bug me.

Actually I can totally understand if she hasn't told her daughter, then it would feel wrong to tell you. And if she hasn't told her daughter, it is probably because it is something pretty traumatic she would rather her daughter didnt know.

I think keeping secrets about herself is different. This is a secret about her daughter and it simply sounds like she is putting her daughter before your curiosity. And that is how it should be.

Since the daughter is 17, I actually don't see what it has got to do with you. Its not as if you are likely to know the father, is it? What does it matter to you? There are so many other areas of concern in your post regarding this relationship that i wonder if an obsession with thin is a displacement activity on your part.

FWIW I also think its offensive to talk about another human being's parentage as a "back story".

It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that the daughter might not want you to.know either.

Is this the same DP who isn't inviting you to get works' night out? You and that poster have remarkably similar writing styles.

It happened a long time before you were in her life. It doesn't concern you and is none of your business. Tell your family it is none of their business. Whatever she chooses to tell you about her past is up to her. I would be surprised if you have told her every detail about your past
respect her privacy on this.

The back story isn't just about the daughter's parentage though, it's about the man the woman he is about to marry chose to have a child with. She maybe didn't choose to become pregnant but she chose to have the child not have an abortion.
This isn't a casual boyfriend.
I think not telling your 17 year old who their father is is pretty controlling and selfish as well. She sounds like someone who can't cope with complex or strong emotions. Ostrich behaviour isn't attractive to me.

2rebecca - Controlling? What if the father of your child is your own father? I totally understand there are some situations that you may feel are too horrific to tell your own daughter.

I do actually think children have a right to know who their father is. But there are situations where I think it is almost impossible to know if the best thing is to tell the child who their father is.

And the daughter may know who her father is, and not want anyone else to know. Would you want others to know for example that you are a product of rape? I wouldnt.

The backstory isn't just about the daughter's parentage. It involves at least the DD as well as the father - it is their story and no one else has claim to it. And for whatever reason it's not up for discussion.

My DP, the father of my children, does not know that I was sexually abused as a child. If that abuse had itself produced children, that would still not make it up for discussion. It's probably something I would really hesitate to disclose to the child, too. I actually can't see any good coming from discussion about this because I have made my peace about it and chosen to end its impact in my life, partially by refusing to give it notice in my current relationships.

I wonder if your DP for similar reasons has chosen not to speak of DD's father. It could also be the case that the non-disclosure request has come from DD, whom your DP will respect and protect in this matter. There are all sorts of possibilities and your only question is: do you trust her judgement? Then trust her in this.

And given that the child is virtually an adult, whoever the child's father is will have no impact on you at all. It is not like a young child where a father could turn up demanding access.