AMIBU�to want to know more about the back-story of my STB Step-daughter?

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Disclaimer.
Yes, I m a bloke, a decent one I hope.
I try. Just want some advice.
Getting absolutely nowhere with male friends on this. Useless gits!
A good long-term female married buddy suggested I try here, as she is stumped.
I have had a look around on various threads and tried to learn the lingo, and I think this is the best place to post. Flame away if you feel like it! But I would like some advice if poss.
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Next year DP and I will be getting married. But one subject has always been off limits. Always! For years It is starting to drive me crazy. AIBU???
Just so you know, I love my DP totally, and trust her with everything.
Her DD is nearly 17 and quite the modern young lady and we are good friends, but I cant possibly raise this issue with her!
I adore my DP and we have always been very open and honest about everything, including talking about ex-Ps, open about money etc. parental difficulties, getting STI tests before embarking on serious relationship etc. I feel completely comfortable talking with her about everything but

The subject of the parentage of her daughter is never to be spoken of.

We are getting married next year and I feel I should know. AIBU?
I have, for several years, happpily fended off questions from friends and family about this, but with the marriage impending, it is becoming increasingly difficult. I dont really care what other people think, I love DP, and am committed to her.
I realise it maybe something dodgy, like rape or ??, but I will love her anyway.
I have not pressurised her on this, but feel it is something I need to know about.
Who is the Dad? Alive or dead? Is he going to show up some time? (I can deal with that, but I dont even know if he exists!?!?!!)
It is starting to eat into me, and I do not want it to become a worm in my brain and bug me forever.
I just feel, if we are to be married, shouldnt we know everything about each other?
Or am I being an insecure idiot about this?
Thanks,

Two thoughts: if she has sensed the traditional and judgemental vibe coming from your family, she may be withholding this info as much because she doesn't want their judgement as yours.

Secondly: this information 'belongs' first and foremost to her daughter. If (for any number of reasons) she and her daughter have not squared up all the details of her conception, then I could understand a fierce and protective loyalty that would exclude anyone else knowing any details first.

I think one piece of info that you could reasonably ask - with the reason being that it enables you to understand a very fundamental dynamic of their relationship better - is whether the daughter knows who her father is. She may (justifiably) worry that one answer will lead to many more questions, but you might ask her if she'd be willing to tell you that.

Wow I want to know now!

I wouldn't be able to accept that we just don't talk about it. What if she has murdered her ex and that's why she doesn't want to tell you. Or the father is a serial killer in jail about to be released on parole?

ok so those are both hysterical and totally ridiculous over reactions bit how would you know. If it was a one night stand or short affair why not just say that she had a fling and he doesn't know about the child. If it was rape or abuse surely that's something you can trust your own dp with, even as a one off discussion.

thanks backcats for the reply,

but I think you are somewhat playing with words
ie: if there is nothing to believe in, then we must potentially 'believe' ?
So there is a God? What's her name then?
Just messing :-)

Please, 'judging' never came into it in the first place.
Can we leave it?

However I do get your point about 'John Smith/Sex' Good point, but I was originally concerned with the 'not sharing everything/facing the unexpected' rather than giving a toss who she had sex with 18 years ago. Which I don't!

Is it that she has told you she will never ever discuss this or do you just believe this to be the case?

I never told my DH about something in my past. I'm very judgmental about people who lie by omission or keep secrets but I never equated either of those with my own actions. The reason I didn't tell DH is because I pushed it to the back of my mind, pretended it'd never happened made up excuses to trying and soften what had happened to me so it wasn't serious. I didn't want it to affect my life or acknowledge it was a factor in how I am now.

So I didn't tell. This wasn't because I didn't trust my husband or anything to do with him, just because in telling I had to go through the whole thing again. If he'd asked me, I'd have told him. As it was, triggers in real life were making me more and more sensitive to film and TV where women were victims and it was eating me up. I needed to explain my behaviour and I told him.

I have a dear friend who is now 40 yrs old and still doesn't know who her father is?!

She has siblings who all know their father, but noone knows who hers is?

Well someone must know but noone is telling & probably never will

Nacho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh jeez to hell in a handcart!

Thanks for putting all my worst fears out there! Now I am totally freaked!

Hell!! I was warned that Mumsnet can be brutally honest! Guess that is why I am here, ugh!

However, thank you (and Quod) for some proper insights in your second paragraphs.
I'm really seeing it from a different angle, which, if you all refer to my OP, is what I was recommended to seek! Thanks!

No, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't share (even very minor details) about such a significant part of their life. I wouldn't want chapter and verse, but "I met a guy, saw him for a while and things didn't work out", would be quite enough for me.

I have a very good friend who doesn't know who his father is. His mum knows but just never told him. He thinks "if she'd wanted me to know she would've told me, it could be something really awful like she was raped". More than likely it was a short lived relationship, but he thinks the 'worst' about his conception- I personally don't think that's fair. It's also a very tight-knit community, so chances are he's come into contact with his father at least once. He confesses (usually when drunk) that not knowing really, really bothers him. Knowing all this and how they deal with other, important stuff that most people would agree needs to be discussed at some point, I would say that refusing to discuss things At All would not work for me long term. I would suspect that your DP will be the same, and that over time you'll find that there are other topics that are similarly out of bounds.

I would press the point about if her DD knows and if she plans on telling her. What if something happens to your DP and she never finds out? Not at least having a plan to tell her seems horribly selfish. If DD knows then I'd try to back off and get on with things, but the fact that she wouldn't share this with me would really colour our relationship.

Just a thought. Rather than tell others that "It is not up for discussion" (which, as you know, tends to raise more questions than it answers) first try a very casual "He's no longer on the scene". It's true, it's simple, and hopefully gives Auntie Flossie enough of an answer to let her forget about it and enjoy the wedding.

HTH

You love your DP, you respect your DP, you want the best for your DP. You are aware that she is very very uncomfortable with this subject and Will. Not. Discuss. Ever. This does suggest trauma/pain/emotional damage/suffering - why make her disclose/re-live the situation if it hurts her/causes anguish? Would it make you love her any more/less knowing? We don't need to know every single thing about our DP's. I simply don't/have never subscribed to the ethos that we have the 'right' to know everything about our DP's history - with this caveat - UNLESS it is something that would be injurious to us/directly impacts us in a negative way. She has her reasons and as long as her DD is happy/healthy/thriving/secure and loved it has NOTHING to do with anyone else. EVER. As for the rest of the family, it sounds like a subject for salacious idle gossip and it is NONE of their business and you need to 'protect' your DP and respect her wishes - IMO...

I understand why you're curious, although since you aren't being asked to support or parent this child I suspect your interest is more prurient than you like to admit, but it really is private matter between your fiancée and her daughter.

I am old enough that my illegitimate birth was a proper family scandal, and like your DF, my mother declined to identify my father or discuss the subject with anyone but me.
The result, happily, was that I didn't really think of myself as having a father and so never had any sense of loss or abandonment (unlike lots of my peers whose parents were divorced, for example).

When I was 15, and my mum was terminally ill, she asked me if I wanted to know, and I said no. She told me to go away and think about it, and I still said no - the idea of 'my dad' had no emotional resonance at all. It still hasn't now that I am middle-aged and have a family of my own.

So it is possible that your partner has asked her DD and her DD has chosen not to know more, or has reserved the right to ask in future, or indeed that the DD knows and doesn't want the information shared.
It really is none of your business I'm afraid.
Also - how would your fiancée feel if she knew you were gossiping about the possible circumstances of her child's conception with your friends and relations?

Your main reason for wanting to know seems to come across so you can tell your family who you admit are gossiping and bitching about it.

So if your dp did trust you with the info would you tell them?

And if you wouldn't tell them then you knowing makes no difference.

I could understand the need to know more if dsd was a young child but she isn't.

If my dd was 17yo and only myself and her knew who her dad was I wouldn't feel that I had the right to tell others. It would be up to dd to tell people who her father was if she wanted them to know.

If it was rape, then take a look at the relationships board. There have been people on there who have struggled to tell their DP about that because it was such a horrific thing that happened to them.

No way is it so blithely easy to just tell a DP, no matter how much you trust them.

As an aside, DH mum won't tell him who his dad is. He has siblings who know who their dads are but she won't discuss the matter of his dad.

It has permanently damaged their relationship, as he sees it as her witholding something from him. He has even gone to the lengths of tracking down people from her past and asking them, as he is so desperate to shed some light on the mystery.

I suspect that she is the victim of an assault at the very least, and that is why she won't discuss. She won't say why she won't say either. I respect her right to not discuss it but he can't get over the hurt that she knows but won't say.

Not sure what youR DSDs feelings are in this, but watch out for fallout from this OP. You might need to be there and support them both.

joysmum

Thank you for that open and frank insight.

hmm... DP has never said never. Just:
I. don't. discuss this. ever.

so... ever/never? not sure

I think I am coming round to accepting that if I truly love her (which I do), that this maybe something I just have to take on board.

Just to refer to my OP,
Am I Being Unreasonable?
If I am, fine. I will take that and move on.
Or should I be concerned? Not really about the facts themselves, just that she won't say?
Just respect her wishes?
Or worry?
I have told her everything, some good, plenty not so!

PS: I'm not bugging her about this, not hassling her in any way. That's why I am here on Mumsnet!!

I have been with DH for more than 20 years, and he has only recently told me about some traumatic things that happened in his childhood this year.

People deal with their past in different ways.

I am sure you can respect your DP's privacy, and come up with some pat answers for your inquisitive family.

Can I just suggest, OP, that if you have a issue involving relationships, then post in Relationships, rather than in AIBU. Or as it is in relation to a step child, in Step Parents.

AIBU is the part of MN that more regularly gives rise to flaming than any other.

I'm not saying you shouldn't post here, but you may get different perspectives elsewhere on the site.

YABU

You are all loved up. All that closeness, knowing each other inside out, etc etc.

And there she is, the DD whose very existence is a visual clue that you do not know everything about your DP... and never will.

It's bound to eat at you. But you are going to have to accept the edict - forever.

That and, personally, I don't think it is any of your business. If the father is not around then he simply does not exist. That situation may change, your DP will deal with it then (her DD may want to know). You may be lucky and you may be included in that conversation. But it would not be your right to be included.

Let it go.... if you can!

Thanks
Singaporefling
You are quite right about , "Why should I make her relive this trauma? " If this is the case, and I am coming to realise that this maybe the case, otherwise, why such a sensitive subject?
God, I have been an Arse!
After reading all the feed back here, I have been enlightened.
Thanks everyone!
I can now see this from so many new angles.

I will ignore the sad comment about 'purient' interest. Says more about the poster than me. Just read my OP ffs!

I will continue to love her. She can tell me when she is ready.
Perhaps when we are married she will feel she can. If not I will just accept this is part of who she is. Do we ever really know some-one? At least I know that I don't know
:-)
I will try not to let this bother me anymore. If it bugs me I will become twisted, and then not be the best I can for her. So not good for us.
Got it.
Just be prepared for something unexpected. If we are strong, we can handle it, yes?

hmmm.... what else?
It is her story. It is her/our DD story. One day it maybe our story.
It is certainly not friends and family story (idle chit-chat/gossip). they can accept "he is not around anymore/ just go to hell"

Was I Being Unreasonable?
Yes. Thanks for all your feedback. It has really helped!

Thanks Mumsnet!

Has she considered counselling? She may not want to speak to you about Whatever It Was, but how about opening up to an impartial professional?
You said that she is a Deputy Headteacher: how would she advise one of her pupils in this situation. Bottle it up or talk about it?

senua there's a difference between "you really ought to tell someone" and "you really ought to tell me"

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask once and perfectly reasonable for her not to wish to discuss it. You then drop it.

I agree with you senua's post is ridiculous.

could she answer questions that would deal with your reasons for wanting to know but without explaining

eg does the father know about her dd?
does she have contact or will the father contact either of them in the future?
is there any reason to fear the father?
does dd know about her father and if not if anything happened to your fiance would anyone else be available with the info about her father should she want to know or has she made arrangements for this info to be held for her dd in the event that she wanted to know?

she can give yes or no answers to those questions

Why was my post ridiculous? I only picked up what the OP told us. It seems strange that they have been together so long but he has still not met any of her family yet.

OP I think that since you're creating a family with this woman and her dd you do have a right to at least ask whether the father is likely to turn up at some point in the future. Because that will affect you. You are not some random bloke or fair weather acquaintance, you are STB her husband so IMO you're entitled to ask.

But beyond that, she really isn't obliged to share the rest of the details with you.