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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 16:43

Oh my goodness, we really have plumbed to the depths of Ginger Rogers who "Did it BACKWARDS and in HIGH HEELS"...

Are we really such stupid sex as to constantly have to compete with each other in such a meaningless and pointed way? What does anybody actually get out of this? ShockSad

MissMalonex2 · 19/04/2014 16:43

I work during school hours. Outside of school hours I parent, cook, clean, food shop etc. compared to the SAHMs at my kids school who have school aged kids, I miss out on the gym, coffees and lunching...

Thetallesttower · 19/04/2014 16:45

Having said that, properly looking after a home, keeping it clean, laundry done, home-cooked food, car and garage managed plus bills is a big job. I do fail to do it properly alongside WOH so it's not like I am belittling it, just pointing out that much of this stuff is fixed in terms of time and energy and isn't outsourced if you send your children to nursery.

madwomanbackintheattic · 19/04/2014 16:46

Nice to see you are excluding your partner from parenting even when he is present, Sam.

And you sound a teeny bit proud of the fact. Most unedifying. For the sake of his relationship with his children, you really should leave them with him to form some bonds now and again. Very silly to cement yourself as the 'one true parent that can' and exclude him from childcare at this point. Their relationships will be better in the long run if you back off and let him change some nappies and look after them. Why not piss off out when he's present for a bit? Find something else to do other than luxuriate in the 'proof' that you are a better parent because your kids don't know their dad very well? I'd be seeing that as a problem to fix, not proof that your sahm status makes you better than a wohm (or wohd) tbh.

Yes, I do have three kids, two sn (one with physical disability), have spent time as both sahm and wohm.

You sound like an ex-smoker, really. Full of self-righteousness at other people's expense. Yuk.

cardibach · 19/04/2014 16:46

a day of peace at work Sampanther? You obviously haven't done my job (secondary teacher)! I don't have time to eat/wee either.

It is annoying when women attack each other like this and suggest, as you have, that those who work are lesser parents. I am a single parent, so I have always worked full time. Does this mean, by your logic, that DD has no real parents? I mean, neither of her parents spent all day with her when she was pre-school...She's 18 now and a credit to her parents, I'd say. And I'd also say we owe a debt of thanks to her nursery staff and teachers, as will you when your children go to school.
You started this thread, I think, to get people to say that WOHP were not as good parents as SAHP, and that is despicable.

MrsCripps · 19/04/2014 16:47

Gosh well that is a very sad situation then Sampanther
Can your DH change his commute or hours at all ?
Very tough on you as well Flowers

mouse26 · 19/04/2014 16:48

Why do you care though? I work full time yet still do most of those things when its the weekend or I have time off work. So does my dp. Regardless of whether you work or not, we all do generally the same things at home, there's always cleaning to be done, children to be cares for and people to be fed and we all fit it in as best we can.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:48

I appreciate not all jobs are the same, but during dps working week he gets to have three tea breaks an an uninterrupted hours lunch break each day. He gets to have social events and exercise socially, he can nip out to run errands such as posting a parcel, he can phone up to pay a bill, he can reply to un-work related emails etc. I can't do any of these things without company and hassle of small children plus the guilt that comes with knowing they'd rather be playing than queuing at the post office. Dp can do what he likes without ever feelingguilty about what the cchildren are doing. Similarly, when I worked I found iy easy to put out of mymind wwhat the children may or may not be up to or need.

OP posts:
madwomanbackintheattic · 19/04/2014 16:48

And his agreement that he's quite happy to back off and let you do all the childcare, bathing, nappy changing sounds like bog standard male abdication of shit-work, tbh, not validation of your role in any sense.

He really needs to step up and parent. And you really need to let him.

MrsBungle · 19/04/2014 16:49

I always find these threads pointless and meaningles. Usually, it seems they're started for a bun fight in my opinion. I couldn't give a shit how much or little parenting or housework either myself or dh does. We do what suits us and our family.

janey68 · 19/04/2014 16:51

Oh not this old chestnut.
What does it matter? Some WOHP probably do a lot more than some SAHP and vice versa. Some people do a lot more round the house than others out of choice. Some people take their children out more than others. Some talk to them more than others. Some play more than others.

Stop trying to turn it into a competition.

MrsBungle · 19/04/2014 16:51

Lol, I could give a shit how much parenting myself and dh do, it's other folks opinions about it that I don't care about!

madwomanbackintheattic · 19/04/2014 16:51

Lol, it gets better. He has such an easy day at work, and still doesn't get to do any nappy changing when he's at home. Grin

He must be laughing all the way to the 1950s, even whilst he's mopping poor Sam's flustered brow and whispering soothing words about what a great job she's doing, and isn't it sad the kids don't know him very well... And building up her self esteem so that she carries on doing it!

Great work, mr panther! And great work at enabling that abdication of responsibility and willing assumption of the crap jobs, sam!

MrsCripps · 19/04/2014 16:52

Sampanther you don't sound happy at all and very resentful of your DP.
Stop taking out your feelings on WOHP to make yourself feel better and look at your life and how you can change it -please, for sake of your DC.

madwomanbackintheattic · 19/04/2014 16:52

(Not that I'm saying nappy changing and bathing kids are crap jobs, in essence, but the alarming monotony of the same does mean that sharing this role is much better for both parents and children Grin. )

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:53

I'm not excluding him madwoman, nor is he shirking. When there's limited time together, I'd rather - for example - the toddler gets to have fun playing with daddy than scream the entire evening because daddy doesn't know she likes her peas separate from her mash, her milk through a straw but water in a cup and so on.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 19/04/2014 16:54

Well Sam if he cut the tea breaks and took half SN hour for lunch like I do at work, he could be home about an hour and a quarter earlier each day, giving him 6 more hours a week to actually get to know his children and thus meaning you don't need to martyr yourself on the wheel of irreplacability?

All without reducing his actual time working or the amount he could achieve.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:57

MrsCripps I honestly don't resent him, I was just making a point. I appreciate he earns for us all and he appreciates he couldn't do that without me and appreciates all that I do. I did find personally that working was easier though

OP posts:
Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:58

Rhonda he's on shift work and hours can't change like that

OP posts:
stopgap · 19/04/2014 17:01

YANBU. My husband is out of the house for 13/14 hours a day (long commute, long hours) and to suggest that his role as a parent is equal to mine is silly. I obviously do far more of the donkey work during the week, though he is very hands-on at the weekends. Our children love him just the same.

I am very fortunate, in that I was able to work freelance at home after DS1, and suspect I'll do the same when DS2 is in preschool, but for now, I am a SAHP and I do consider it my job (and in many ways it's a lot more challenging than my line of paid employment).

cardibach · 19/04/2014 17:03

You think WOHP don't have any guilt?
Says it all.

redskyatnight · 19/04/2014 17:06

As is always the case with these situations, it's never as simple as SAHP vs WOHP. When DS was little he used to go to bed at 8pm, be up at 5am and generally a couple of times in the night as well. And he scarcely slept in the daytime - an hour if I was lucky. At this time I worked part time and DS was in childcare from 8am-1pm. So I looked after him for 3 hours prior to dropping him off, and 7 hours after picking him up (his nap was always while he was at childcare), plus doing the night wakings. DH worked away a lot or was home late.

At this time I was friends with a SAHM with a similar aged child. Her child slept 7-7, only waking if ill and had a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. And her DH was often about and helpful during days (worked shifts) and her mum took the DC at least one afternoon a week.

Hard to argue that I didn't do all the SAHM did as well as my part time job.

MrsLindor · 19/04/2014 17:09

I agree that this phrase covers those jobs that have to be done in every household regardless of whether anyone works outside the home or not.
The washing, ironing, food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

I do get the impression some SAHPs think we all have cleaners.

Some also think that we sit around all day drinking tea, chatting and taking lunch hours, if anyone knows of a job like that please let me know.

Jinsei · 19/04/2014 17:10

Yes he does MrsCripps and he agrees. He sees the children for four hours at very most during the week, during which time he doesn't change nappies or do homework or wash hair because they want me because they see so llittle of him. There's no way he or I could say the children would be equally happy with him as with me as he simply doesn't know them as well.

How terribly sad. I would hate to live like this.

Thetallesttower · 19/04/2014 17:12

Three tea-breaks plus an hour off for lunch?!

You can tell that's not a WOH mum like me with no back up at home.

I do my work extra fast to get home so I can do all the other household stuff/do the pick up some days.

It may be true if you have a SAH parent who does everything else you go a little slower, if I know I've got help one evening in the week, I do stay later and take my time a bit more.