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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:27

No Monica, I said upthread that I personally don't know any SAHP of school aged children, so am referring to parents of children under school age.

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 16:30

maybe im a lazy mom but last summer i got a tan a read loads of books while the kids played outside, and i did all my housework etc.

even with tantums and activities which are fun anyway.

how is this more work, than a stressful workday and seeing my kids for an hour or so a day

Bannakaffalatta · 19/04/2014 16:30

Most of the women I know with school age children don't work. Depends on your experience. I wish this wasn't the case TBH.

MrsCripps · 19/04/2014 16:31

"I would agree with the notion that SAHP of under school age Children doing more day to day childcare than the working parent"

That makes total sense - its the idea that 12 hours a day = better parent whereas 4 hours a day = crap parent.
Many parents are not ashamed to admit that WOH makes them

Does your DP/DH know that you don't consider him/her an equal parent then Sampanther Shock

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 16:31

Sorry Sam, I didn't see that.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:32

Teeb I don't wish to judge at all. At the time I worked I was a single parent. Now I have no option but to be a SAHM because dp works long hours, earns too much toqqualify for help with childcare, we have no family support and the nearest place I could earn enough to cover childcare is over an hour away, meaning I'd be unable to get back in time for when after school club finishes. I worry about what'll happen when all my dc are at school as I have a fantastic degree but no experience or training and I'll still be in the same predicament of not being able to travel for work.

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 16:34

Does your DP/DH know that you don't consider him/her an equal parent then Sampanther shock

this

Teeb · 19/04/2014 16:35

I'm not saying that it's a fact that working makes you less of a parent, but that IS how I feel/felt personally.

No judgement?

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:35

Yes he does MrsCripps and he agrees. He sees the children for four hours at very most during the week, during which time he doesn't change nappies or do homework or wash hair because they want me becausethey see so llittle of him. There's no way he or I could say the children would be equally happy with him as with me as he simply doesn't know them as well.

OP posts:
Teeb · 19/04/2014 16:37

You seem to have very narrow ideas about gender roles, what full time work seems to mean etc, when all you really wanted was an audience of people here on mumsnet to give you a pat on the back and validate that your choices are right and trump all others.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:37

mrsbucket newborns and toddlers don't tend to self-entertain while I tan and read...

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 16:37

thats terrible Shock

you should include him more they need a male and female role models not a distant father who does fuck all

mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 16:38

mine where two and three not newborns

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:38

I've already said Teeb that I haven't had a choice, so I'm hardly looking for validation

OP posts:
fidelineish · 19/04/2014 16:38

No she doesn't teeb, she is just talking about how it happens in her house, NOT saying roles SHOULD be gender determined.

mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 16:38

i would let a baby in the garden in hot weather either. not safe at all.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 19/04/2014 16:39

I have a similar thread but discussing word play of what is work going. This is interesting. But, several posters seem to think you are criticising one or the other. Tbh I've lost track but I wasn't sure you were. More the terminology?

Teeb · 19/04/2014 16:40

If you did have a choice would you want to be working?

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:40

How, precisely, mrsbucket? His hours are the nature of his career.

OP posts:
fidelineish · 19/04/2014 16:40

I think some people are just determined to feel criticized TBH Sunny

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 19/04/2014 16:40

Question though which age kids do you mean?

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:41

I would want to have the option to Teeb, especially once they're all school age

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 19/04/2014 16:42

I think what this phrase gets at is that say the paperwork and bills take just as long for every household, so if you SAH you might count that as 'work' (in those ridiculous lists) but if you WOHM it's not in your job descrption. Ditto washing, drying and folding clothes, it doesn't make any difference where the children are all day, they require the same laundry and so on. Hands on care is quite different.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 19/04/2014 16:42

Fide, yeah tis wot I was wondering...

RhondaJean · 19/04/2014 16:43

Going back to the original question

I know some sahms who do absolutely minimal parenting. I know some WOHMs who do loads of parenting in the time they are with their children.

I think we make a mistake to think that just because you are with your children you are actively parenting. Flinging some fish fingers on a plate, changing a nappy and retreating to your bedroom with a book while the children draw on the walls (yes someone I know) isn't parenting at all.