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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
smartypants1000 · 19/04/2014 15:49

Not everyone with school age children sends them to school.

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 15:50

*when the kids have gone to bed, (sorry)

outtheothersidefinally · 19/04/2014 15:50

Well said mrsbucket and bluebell

GrassIsSinging · 19/04/2014 15:50

Home Ed is still quite niche though, lets be honest @ smartypants (not being snidey - I considered it one stage for my DS with SN)

mind you, I am talking theoretically, anyway. I dont know a single woman with school age children and no under fives at home that doesnt work in some capacity.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:52

But mrsbucket if a father only saw their child at weekends, would you say they're an equal parent to the mum who has done everything all week? Many people do not feel this is the case but many working mothers do feel they can say they're an equal parent with any other mother even though they aren't there most of the time.

So many people also say that nursery was better for their children as they do more with them, like that fact is out of their hands. I understand that some people aren'tthat way iinclined, some parents aren't physically or mentally able and so on, but doing fun things with your children can cost little.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 19/04/2014 15:55

sahp to preschoolers and sahp to school age (who go to school!) are 2 different things

and 'work' is an elastic concept

i work part time. worst and best of all worlds imo

mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 15:55

so im less of a parent cause i work.

words fail me Hmm

i have done both and i do more now i work. hubby works long hours so i have work and everything else and parenting on top. being a sahm was a doddle for me i did lots of activities groups etc.

mrsbucketxx · 19/04/2014 15:56

i work full time now btw

LoonvanBoon · 19/04/2014 15:56

YANBU. There may well be the same amount of housework (though in my experience the house stays cleaner for much longer when everyone's out in the day), but if you're a WOHM you're obviously not looking after your child all day, or doing the extra work that entails.

The extra work includes preparing, cooking & clearing up after more meals (lunches at home) as well as the obvious nappy changing etc.

I agree too that to suggest that looking after children doesn't count as work in any way devalues the importance of childcare both in the home & as a profession.

Re. housework, I think that if you're WOH full-time (& have a partner) then you shouldn't be doing as much housework as most SAHMs because it should be shared equally with your DP/DH.

I hate the threads where SAHMs & WOHMs seem to be fighting over who has the hardest life - it can get a bit martyrish on both sides, & sounds as if there are a lot of men out there getting one hell of an easy ride.

shrunkenhead · 19/04/2014 15:58

Well put, sampanther.

Jinsei · 19/04/2014 15:59

I said fulltime in my OP Jinsei so I'm presuming 9-5 plus travel time which in my case meant I was away from 7.45 until 6 p.m. I know for many fulltime working parents it's longer.

Yes, you're assuming, and that is why yabu. I have always worked FT, and in fairly senior roles since having dd. Why would you assume otherwise?

Not all ft roles are 9-5 and not all wohps have long commutes. I have always arranged my life so that I don't have more than a five minute journey to work. And thanks to flexible working, I have been able to do a lot of my work after dd goes to bed at night.

I know plenty of ft wohps who work flexibly around the needs of their kids. I could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number I know who are out from 7.45am to 6pm, 5 days a week. It isn't the norm among people I know.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 16:01

Once they are at school, though...SAHMS are surely having an easy ride?

Not many of those about though, are there? Except for parents of children with disabilities, maybe.

Bannakaffalatta · 19/04/2014 16:01

I agree with the opinion that sahp with school age children have it easy. Especially the ones who also have a cleaner and gardener and someone to do their ironing and supermarket deliveries etc. Many I know have a great time going to the gym and having lunch.

Obviously being at home with 3 preschoolers is v different.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 16:04

mind you, I am talking theoretically, anyway. I dont know a single woman with school age children and no under fives at home that doesnt work in some capacity.

Me neither

LoonvanBoon · 19/04/2014 16:07

I definitely don't think that working full time with young children makes you less of a parent, though. That's an awful thing to suggest.

Have just always been a bit baffled by the claims on some threads that WOHMs do EVERYTHING that SAHMs do on top of working. Or that childcare isn't work (unless it's a non-parent doing it).

And I'm even more baffled that anyone would actually aspire to winning a who-works-the-hardest competition, which is how it has sounded on a couple of threads I've seen. Though if there was one, IME single parents would have to be the winners.

Custardo · 19/04/2014 16:09

i got childcare help very rarely. either dh or i were looking after our kids - am i better than you now?

do i win a gold star

tantamount to women on women hate crimes these threads,

rollonthesummer · 19/04/2014 16:09

mind you, I am talking theoretically, anyway. I dont know a single woman with school age children and no under fives at home that doesnt work in some capacity.

I know lots!

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 16:11

Maybe that's the cross purpose that people are arguing at then?

I am a full time working parent - I always have been. When I am taking umbrage at a SAHP suggesting that I don't 'do what they do and work', it pisses me off.

Is it because I am talking from the viewpoint of being a mum to children in full time education, whilst the other person is talking from the viewpoint of having 2 under 3 who are at home all day?

Probably.

flipchart · 19/04/2014 16:11

I don't know what other people do and I don't care.

Original poster
Sampanther · 19/04/2014 16:15

LoonvanBoon I'm not saying that it's a fact that working makes you less of a parent, but that IS how I feel/felt personally. Riding out days of teething and tantrumming feels like parenting, as did randomly deciding to go to the park for icecream after school. Collecting them from childcare and knowing there's only an hour to deal with of however they are, then a day of peace from them at work the following day even if they have a restless night felt much much easier to me.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 19/04/2014 16:19

mind you, I am talking theoretically, anyway. I dont know a single woman with school age children and no under fives at home that doesnt work in some capacity.

I know lots. :)

aprilanne · 19/04/2014 16:19

yes chaz/ba .looking after a severly disabled child is a lot harder .especially one where no school placement found so home schooled .does this make me a better parent than a working mother .probably not .because i suppose we all do our best .in the circumstances life throws at us .

Lilithmoon · 19/04/2014 16:20

So of it is true for you it must be true for every single parent out there?
What is the purpose of this thread OP?
Seems to me you just want a bunfight.

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 16:21

Sampanther, are you saying that a SAHP to children who are at school full time is doing as much as a working parent?

That the working parent is not doing the same as that parent + work?

If so, then that is crap.

However, I would agree with the notion that the SAHP of under school age children is doing more day to day childcare than the working parent of under school age children.

Teeb · 19/04/2014 16:22

The thing is being a parent in that sense sampanther is a very narrow window but it can have a long lasting impact upon your future as a woman. Every woman will make their own decision, and I fundamentally feel that whichever choice they make is theirs and right for them, so it's none of my business. The most important thing is that it's an informed choice.

If you want to judge others for their choices being less worthy and valid than yours then that's your call.

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