To hate the way DH and his family do presents?

[HugoTheHippo]

Disclaimer: utterly unimportant, first world problem:
In my family presents have always been a treat, designed to be a surprise and make the recipient feel special. We've always been taught never to demand them, jealousy over presents/amount spent was never tolerated, and we never wrote Christmas lists or anything as saying what we wanted to be given always felt horribly grabby and entitled. Presents were always things of excitement and surprise.

DH and his family always tell each other what they want, consult on presents in advance and are very blunt with each other if they don't like something. I've just been informed that BIL is feeling a bit hard up at the mo and would like to know if it's ok if he gets me and DH one Easter Egg to share this year instead of one each.

Well, of COURSE it's ok. But now that he's asked it feels like he's taken any element of surprise or fun out of it and frankly I'd rather he didn't bother! If all I cared about was chocolate I could just go and buy myself a load. For me, what is special about presents is rarely the thing itself, but the effort or thought someone has taken to make me feel special. For me, the way DH and his family do presents just takes all the joy out of it (DH has form for this too). Do I have just hopelessly unrealistic expectations? Or (worse) am I just being grabby and entitled in a different way?

Fgs, we give each other adult Easter eggs in my family, it's hardly a bloody crime. Just a bit of a laugh.

Dh's family always ask for money, seems stupidly pointless to me, there's 4 days between SIL and myself then only 1 week between dh and BIL. The same note gets passed around.

My family work hard to get something nice for each other, maybe from time to time someone gets it wrong but hey ho at least the effort was made.

I'm also at bookcave's DH's family Christmas present palava, although I couldn't be arsed to read it all properly so don't fully understand what goes on, but if you miss out the cheques, wrapping and exchanging bits, they are almost at the stage of what I would consider sensible gifting.

My idea would be, and this is only for adults - people still buy presents for DCs (their own, and any nieces, nephews and any other close friends/family, not the sister's neighbours cousin etc), thus:

Every adult buys themself a present. Whatever they want - chocolate, booze, clothes, gadgets, posh toiletries, handbags whatever.

They get to choose the item and set the budget, and everyone gets what they want, no-one gets any useless tat in the wrong size or colour and no-one spends on stuff that will end up in the bin or charity shop.

And when people get together on Christmas Day, they can show them off and talk about them - what did you get yourself, MIL? Oh, DIL, I got myself this lovely scarf and some perfume in a fragrance that I like etc etc. What's not to like?

diddl Those Aldi eggs look quite nice and at 2.79 euro, I don't think they are expensive. I might look in our UK Aldi, to see if there is anything similar.

The 1 cheap easter eggs in the UK are crap and very small. When I bought DPs Creme Egg easter egg (I think they are hideous, but he likes them), I got myself a Milky Bar egg. It was just the egg, there were no chocolates, buttons or any other little hidden treats, nothing - that's not really an easter egg, is it?

In the big UK supermarkets, its all about massive excess - easter eggs are on sale from early January and people will buy them, eat them, buy more, etc etc and I can see some people receiving several small, crap eggs, whereas I'd rather just have one nicer one.

BackforGood - that's fine, not classing that as remotely like my IL's strange gift/cheque swapping behaviour! I bet you don't make them wrap it up and give it to you so you can give it back to them and then insist that they look surprised when they open it!

There is a compromise list approach where you list a number of items but then don't know which one you will get, but you do know it's going to be something you wanted then. I quite like that.

Bookcave - that's the worst Christmas story ever. I could just about cope with the cheque thing but I would refuse to open my own gift and look 'surprised and thrilled'.

My mum didn't buy me an Easter egg. She bought me a bottle of gin

Ilkley - I like your suggestion. MIL would never go for it. Sometimes when DH asks for Christmas ideas, I ask him to give me whatever he budgeted for my gift to spend in the after-Xmas sales so it goes further. He's very pragmatic and hates shopping so that works for him and on Xmas Day itself I just have a box of chocs or a book from the DC.

Aldi eggs and choc bunnies are great. That's what I buy for the DC.

Bookcave your ils are mad!
I hope you are not forced to send each other Thank you cards afterwards!

Laquitur - Actually, MIL does expect a gushing thank you note or call after. DH was once pulled up for not having been sufficiently effusive in the thank-you department - he had called but apparently the phone call lacked the required amount of enthusiastic gratitude. It's never occurred to me that that part of the proceeeding could be called odd. She has so many "unique" habits that anything not entirely barking and inconvenient slips under the radar.

So you have to send a thank you note for the present you chose, went out to procure and wrapped yourself? I've heard it all now.

Bloody hell, my siblings and DH's don't even buy my young children Easter eggs.

Irrelevant, but anyway. I can see your point, I hate knowing presents in advance. I do wish lists but I put loads on so I have no idea what they have chosen. On the other hand its just an Easter egg, its really not a big deal (Easter doesn't mean anything to me at all) so I would say on balance YABU.

The whole present thing is a total nightmare in my family. I hate it.

Dsis went absolutely ballistic once because I spent 'too much' on her dd. Probably about £60, which was admittedly a lot, but that was because previously I'd had the look for not spending enough. Just what is the right amount to spend on a child anyway? The difference between those two occasions was £20.

As for SIL, utter nightmare. Every single thing DH and I have bought her she has complained about. Then when we bought FIL something a bit special and £££ for his 70th, she declared she wanted the same. For xmas she asked for something costing £450!!! When she discovered she was pregnant I was told I couldn't give anyone else old baby stuff as she wanted it... and to cap it all, I am selling my car (only 3000 miles on a clock so not an old banger) and she texted DH to ask if he wanted to offer it to her, for free.

I used to enjoy buying presents. Now I just think 'oh hell', and wait for the nuclear fall out when I get it wrong. Vouchers are good though. Most people haven't the gall to complain about money.

Omg words fail me Bookcave.

'Dear Mil,
thank you ever so much for the surprise gift you have given me back after i bought it, wraped it and gave it to you. The way you gave it back to me was....very touching , i nearly cried.

'Thank you MIL for the cheque you gave me in return for the present I bought myself. The handwriting was just gorgeous and the numbers were really well formed... '

My mum always gave me an Easter egg. My DB & DSis can't even be bothered to get my DCs one though (and it's not because they can't afford one, both are well paid professionals & I always take an egg for their DCs), so definitely no eggs for adults in my family. At Christmas & birthdays we do ask each other for suggestions - sometimes these can be very specific if there is something someone really wants (especially specific toys for the DCs), or just a non-specific sort of idea (a handbag, something for the garden etc.).

DH's family ask for lists for Christmas - and then buy nothing from the list anyway. I really don't care what anyone buys me, I am just grateful to receive something, but I am perpetually puzzled as to why we have to go through the process of list writing in the first place . Always done at their insistence. For birthdays (for adults & children alike), it is traditional to send just a birthday card with a £5 note in it, which, although a bit boring & lacking in imagination, is very easy .

OnIlkley - UK Aldi has the exact same egg, but only in the gold wrapping (at our branch anyway). It is called a Flame Egg (no idea if that is what the German wording translates to), and is £2.99 .

I have given one to DS1's TA as an end of term gift. Looks far more grown up & treat-like than other £3 eggs.

I apologise for the thread derail but yes, now the thank you debacle is coming back to me. DH had phoned to thank her. A week or so later we went to her house for Sunday lunch and she asked him if he'd liked his present as he hadn't sounded very pleased about it when he phoned to thank her. DH obviously considered the conversation fairly normal and apologised for being rude while I let mouth engage before brain and said something along the lines of, "of course he liked it, he shopped for it!" Minor row ensued. How could I have forgotten!

I am almost (only almost) tempted to re-enter the gift fiasco just to have the pleasure of sending a thank you like Laquitur's and EverythingCounts'! Next time I'm at gift-swapping or MIL visits I'm going to entertain myself by composing thank you notes!

But I'm very laid back on Easter eggs! MIL doesn't buy anyone Easter eggs, not even grandchildren and it's probably a blessing. I'd have to advance my DC a loan to pick their own eggs and I'm not sure I could bank a cheque made out to them!

I think it is fine for things to be done either way.

I always hate it when someone gets me something which I either hate or know I won't use - because it is such a waste of money. I would rather they got me nothing.

Perfectly reasonable of your BIL I think OP, he is just trying to prevent that awkward moment where what you give each other is incredibly lopsided!

Phew Bookcave - I'm glad I'm not that odd. No, I don't wrap it then insist they look all surprised
I rather like Ilkley's idea though

With some people, I'd rather consult on presents to avoid disappointment. Last Christmas BIL gave us cat flea collars. We gave him an expensive video game we knew he wanted. This year I want to either know what he's getting us so we can reciprocate appropriately or give him a wishlist and ask for one from him. A surprise is not always a good thing!

Topaz - do you actually have cats or was BIL trying to tell you something?

We do have cats but we already use flea prevention. I thought the present was meant as a passive aggressive dig but giving him the benefit of the doubt he may genuinely have thought he was being helpful by saving us money. Even if he genuinely thought they would be helpful he could have given them to us another time, I was so embarrassed to excitedly unwrap a Christmas present and find flea collars! And we don't use flea collars anyway because we've heard they're not that effective so it was a total waste of money he could have spent on something we would have enjoyed. I hope I can get him to stick to a list next year.

Ah well, stick some tinsel on them and they keep them as Christmas outfits!