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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the way DH and his family do presents?

122 replies

HugoTheHippo · 16/04/2014 22:17

Disclaimer: utterly unimportant, first world problem:
In my family presents have always been a treat, designed to be a surprise and make the recipient feel special. We've always been taught never to demand them, jealousy over presents/amount spent was never tolerated, and we never wrote Christmas lists or anything as saying what we wanted to be given always felt horribly grabby and entitled. Presents were always things of excitement and surprise.

DH and his family always tell each other what they want, consult on presents in advance and are very blunt with each other if they don't like something. I've just been informed that BIL is feeling a bit hard up at the mo and would like to know if it's ok if he gets me and DH one Easter Egg to share this year instead of one each.

Well, of COURSE it's ok. But now that he's asked it feels like he's taken any element of surprise or fun out of it and frankly I'd rather he didn't bother! If all I cared about was chocolate I could just go and buy myself a load. For me, what is special about presents is rarely the thing itself, but the effort or thought someone has taken to make me feel special. For me, the way DH and his family do presents just takes all the joy out of it (DH has form for this too). Do I have just hopelessly unrealistic expectations? Or (worse) am I just being grabby and entitled in a different way?

OP posts:
Lucyccfc · 16/04/2014 23:42

We don't buy Easter eggs for adults, but we do ask each other for ideas for birthdays and Christmas. This is such a blessing, as it means we don't end up with a pile of tat or rubbish.

RedFocus · 17/04/2014 07:47

Hahaha I can't believe you still get bought Easter eggs! This stopped happening to me as soon as I hit adulthood. Wink

spinnergeologist · 17/04/2014 08:02

My family work the same way as your DH's with gifts, though we will say if we have bought a surprise. I admit this has been since we all grew up and it is so much better than getting more junk that you don't want or need wonderful surprise presents. Also being blunt is better than getting trapped in having to spend hundreds of pounds you don't have. Wouldn't you wonder where the other egg was if he hadn't have told you?

Theas18 · 17/04/2014 08:05

Oh Gawd sniffle....

No Easter eggs for the kids from Grandma this year as she's in hospital. That'll upset them, not the no eggs , but when they realise Grandma has been thinking about them ad wanting to get eggs but couldnt :(

I'll have to get some I think from her.

Lara2 · 17/04/2014 08:20

My mum was German and Easter is a big thing there. We were all brought up in that tradition and Easter is a big thing in our family. Egg hunt in the morning and everyone gets an Easter egg - adults and children. We get together as we do at Christmas for a lovely big meal ( although a bit simpler menu - think roast lamb lunch with nice dessert and cheese and biscuits). It's unthinkable not to do something or see each other. Same as not having hot cross buns on Good Friday. We were also brought up as Catholics, but are all very lapsed now - but I think it would be such a shame if traditions we enjoy disappeared, whatever their origin.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/04/2014 08:25

I do actually think you are being a bit grabby and entitled in a different way (I don't mean that nastily, I know I can be at times for the opposite reason). Simply in that by saying you would rather not have a present that have one which isn't a surprise, you are setting conditions on what you find acceptable. Some people find it really hard thinking of surprises and it makes their lives a lot easier if it can be discussed beforehand, lists made etc. I'm the opposite, my grabby and entitled feelings stem from being bought yet another surprise that I neither want or like or have house room for and feeling that I can never explain this to my family, when what I would really like is gift vouchers or things on my Amazon wish list.

Neither is wrong IMO, it's about preferences and compromise and trying to see it from the other person's point of view.

shewhowines · 17/04/2014 08:44

I'd hate surprises. I value money too much to waste it on things that I don't want or need.

Original poster
HugoTheHippo · 17/04/2014 08:53

You're all right, obviously. And of course I wouldn't make a fuss in RL or fall out over it - it is, after all, just a fricking Easter egg. That's what AIBU is for, right?

OP posts:
LowCloudsForming · 17/04/2014 08:56

Clearly you have different family ways. I am fortunate to have married a man from a family with just the same attitude as mine (sounds like yours). But how about making it easier all round and explaining to your husband's family that you would rather not receive or give presents at all and that the focus should shift to the children. BIL would probably be delighted. Have to say that I am bemused by the notion of your BIL feeling an obligation to give you eggs anyway. I have never heard of adults giving eggs at Easter.

Original poster
HugoTheHippo · 17/04/2014 09:09

You're right WhoKnows. A gift is still a gift and I should be more gracious about accepting them in the spirit they are meant.

I will, however, work on recreating our traditional family surprise birthday breakfasts for our daughter as she gets older :)

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/04/2014 09:10

That's exactly what I try and do too Smile.

Clayhead · 17/04/2014 09:18

OP, I could have written your post! I find it so hard that my in laws are so direct about what they want, it is so far from the way I was brought up.

Have no advice for you though, over the years I have just learnt to just suck it up.

wolfwhistler · 17/04/2014 09:23

What were you expecting for a surprise easter egg , not a shock horror egg surely!

How can someone surprise someone with an expected egg? Confused

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 17/04/2014 09:25

I bought DP an easter egg the other day. It cost One Whole Pound and thought it would be a nice surprise for him to come home to after work. I don't buy them for anyone else.

I don't think adults should buy each other presents at all, except perhaps of the token variety (alcohol/chocolates/other small 'food' treats).

I want to choose my own stuff and buy when I want/need the item or when I see it at a good price, not have to wait until some arbitary date on the calendar.

I don't want surprises that are complete pointless tat not quite right and I don't see the point of giving each other lists - eg you buy me this handbag and I'll buy you that perfume set.

And I hate 'gift sets' with a passion. Cheap toiletries encased in too much packaging is not a present or treat thank you very much.

Original poster
HugoTheHippo · 17/04/2014 09:25

Theas18 - I hope Grandma feels better soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
HugoTheHippo · 17/04/2014 09:31

wolfwhistler - I get that it sounds a bit silly, and of course, even as a child you did expect birthday presents as you got them every year, but we all maintained the facade for the fun of it. So, even though, yes, Easter eggs at Easter is not exactly original, talking about it in advance just sort of takes the fun and shine off it. The present is not important to me, so I would have been totally happy with a joint egg, or none at all, now it's all being discussed it sort of feels tawdry and I feel a bit awkward. Is it just terribly British of me?

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/04/2014 09:43

Agree with whoknows, expectations of fun and surprises are kind of a pressure, unless you know each other really well and have oodles of time.

ceres · 17/04/2014 09:50

I am amazed at all the people on this thread saying that easter eggs are only for children. it's a bit like saying birthdays are only for children. odd. in our family we always give easter eggs to adults as well - it's nice, not expensive either with all the special offers on eggs. we buy around 10 eggs for adults, we make more of an effort with children - I buy lots of little eggs, mini lindt bunnies etc and make up little goody bags for the children with these.

although I often think I (along with my family and friends) exist in a parallel universe as a lot of what I read on mn is completely alien to me.

flipchart · 17/04/2014 09:53

I don't even buy my kids Easter eggs now the youngest one is 14.

It would never occur to me to buy for anyone apart from my two when they were younger.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/04/2014 09:59

DH and I do buy one for each other as well as the DCs, but no one in our extended family buys them for us or us for them, otherwise everyone would end up with about 10 each. I thought that was normal.

windchime · 17/04/2014 10:01

We buy BIL a tin of biscuits because he is on his own and buys the kids tons of stuff at Easter. But we don't buy eggs for the adults.

Nocomet · 17/04/2014 10:55

My family doesn't have much spare money, so main Christmas and Birthday presents have always been something wanted/needed and often not a surprise.

But eggs/Easter chocolate is so cheap I can't see why it's worth discussing. If I see my parents, DSIS or DSIL and her DCs at this time of year I'd probably go bearing chocolate for everyone.

When they were alive DPIL always got eggs as DFIL gave up chocolate for lent.

Nocomet · 17/04/2014 11:00

Adults have always got presents/chocolates because we don't have great extended families, if there were loads of cousins it would be different, but one DSIS each, one DBIL, 4DCs and one set of GPs isn't too bad.

WipsGlitter · 17/04/2014 11:12

Slightly surprised at adult siblings buying each other eggs... but, at least your in-laws make some effort.

This is how it works in DPs family re birthdays:
His sister never buys anyone a birthday present, but promises she will, but doesn't.
His dad gives him some money sometimes, doesn't get me anything.
His brother demands a present like a child, took DP out 'to look at shoes' last week, went via Currys and demanded a £65 present. He does generally get DP a present as well though, doesn't get me anything.

Christmas: we all get vouchers from his Dad (£500 of M&S so pretty good!!)
We've started as secret Santa from last year, seemed to go ok despite a few misunderstandings on how it actually worked!!

chipshop · 17/04/2014 11:20

I know what you mean, DP's family do presents very clinically. His DSis in Australia gets a wodge of cash from him every year as that's what she requests. His BIL in Australia gets specific Amazon stuff. Nephews over here want the latest trainers. He's not even allowed to buy their presents himself, just hands over the cash. All a bit joyless and it seems expected that he'll spend a fortune.

My family like to put thought into gifts, with lots of surprises. I love finding the perfect present and seeing how happy it makes someone. And my BILs just get jokey gifts, my Italian one's favourite Christmas present from me was a bottle opener that burps. Ten years on and I can't beat it.