To hate the way DH and his family do presents?

[HugoTheHippo]

Disclaimer: utterly unimportant, first world problem:
In my family presents have always been a treat, designed to be a surprise and make the recipient feel special. We've always been taught never to demand them, jealousy over presents/amount spent was never tolerated, and we never wrote Christmas lists or anything as saying what we wanted to be given always felt horribly grabby and entitled. Presents were always things of excitement and surprise.

DH and his family always tell each other what they want, consult on presents in advance and are very blunt with each other if they don't like something. I've just been informed that BIL is feeling a bit hard up at the mo and would like to know if it's ok if he gets me and DH one Easter Egg to share this year instead of one each.

Well, of COURSE it's ok. But now that he's asked it feels like he's taken any element of surprise or fun out of it and frankly I'd rather he didn't bother! If all I cared about was chocolate I could just go and buy myself a load. For me, what is special about presents is rarely the thing itself, but the effort or thought someone has taken to make me feel special. For me, the way DH and his family do presents just takes all the joy out of it (DH has form for this too). Do I have just hopelessly unrealistic expectations? Or (worse) am I just being grabby and entitled in a different way?

You sound as though you want to be treated as a child would be treated.

In general, people are just not prepared to make the same effort, or show the same consideration, for adult relatives as they might for children.

The work put into the surprise, planning and fun of holidays is repaid by the joy of the children who still have a sense of the 'magic' of the thing.

Children are oblivious us to the time/effort/expense involved, and just really enjoy the day. There is no over thinking, or balancing of books in the child's mind.

Not many adults are like that, as you have demonstrated yourself OP, so people don't generally feel the need to make the same effort.

The surprise thing is difficult, I was brought up like you , "very rude to ask or to even expect " , so find the idea of adults asking for something very very peculiar.

However after 20 years of MIL's bizarre surprises I am now wish she would adhere to a list .She buys ridiculous expensive presents which she has clearly spent a lot of time choosing but which have no relevance whatsoever to our lives, a classic example was the handmade shepherds crook which dh received last year ( we live in a medium sized modern house in village with chickens but no sheep!) or the designer hand towel bought for ds1 to take to university or the very expensive fly fishing gilet bought for me ( I have never fished in my life)She can I'll afford these white elephants and as we have no use for them I find it all very trying .

We buy eggs for the children , and they buy dh and I an egg ( which they mostly eat/ share) , the dog will get an Eaaster chew and we get both sets of parents a nice bottle of something .

Thats the sort of thing my DM has bought in the past thinking we would love, she is unfortunately very wrong. The last few years I have spoken often about how little space we have in our house and I think she is getting the hint now, but it is sad because she puts a lot of thought into the presents. However if she was being truly thoughtful she would not be buying large objects when we live in a tiny house with growing DCs. As for jokey stuff - I'm afraid it would go straight to the charity shop, if it's not useful or truly beautiful it doesn't stay.

The shepherds crook wasn't a joke and probably cost >£150 so difficult to just throw away , so we are left with loads of expensive useless items

Canus, I suppose you're right in a way, I do. I do still enjoy making birthdays and Christmas fun and special, even for adults, and like it when the same is done for me. I always find it weird that DH always expects to go out and buy his own birthday cake - I insisted on making it for him last year. I also did an Easter egg hunt for him one year and get up early on Christmas Day to lay the table with little stocking-filler type presents for him. He tries to reciprocate but clearly finds it a bit stressful, as it's just not what he's used to. I need to grow up, don't I?

I was brought up in a family who did lists.

I like that. It means that you know that the recipient is getting something they'll like.

DH's family do not do lists. I have had some seriously rubbish 'surprise' presents from them. And we have to do surprise presents for them too, which is stressful and time consuming because you never know whether you've got it right until they open it.

I'm with them, sorry

since when do adults buy each other easter eggs anyway?

Sorry just to go back to the Easter egg thing.
I agree with trashcanjunkie of course adults buy Easter eggs!! So many are made FOR adults. I was doing my tesco online shop earlier and there's a whole Easter section and "eggs for kids" "eggs for adults" etc. Who would spend £20 on a dark chocolate butterscotch Lindt egg for a 5 year old?
Personally I love everything to do with Easter. I was born on Easter Sunday and share a birthday with my dad. We have always gone "all out" for Easter with a tree and decorations etc and I have carried it on into my family. DH and I buy each other eggs, if I happen to be seeing my parents over Easter I will buy them one and I've often given eggs to friends. I mean really how many parents go to Thorntons for their child's egg?

to answer the question, I totally see where you are coming from but I have to say I don't think lists are a bad idea. So often I've seen people pay a lot for a gift they think someone will like and they hate it, or have something similar. My DB bought my mum a lovely teapot but it didn't go with anything at all. He's pretty clueless like that. As soon as I saw it I knew she wouldn't like it. It was £65 so she took it back And got something else.

It's a tricky one but I side slightly more with your DH family on this. I agree though that it's a lovely thought of your BIL to get you and DH eggs so it would have been better (IMO) to just buy you both cheap cadburys ones and make some sort of joke about it upon giving them to you, rather than tell you before you were just getting the one

"Slightly surprised at adult siblings buying each other eggs". I just don't understand this comment.

I'm going round to DSis for Easter Sunday and DB will be there too. I certainly will be popping into Thorntons or Hotel Chocolat and buying them one. Perhaps there are huge variations in celebrating Easter? I love it myself so perhaps I put more thought into it.
I was out shopping with my niece (22) yesterday and as we walked past a chocolate shop she said "ooh I still need to buy mum dad and (brother-24)an egg can we look in here quickly?" Didn't think it was odd at all... Actually very sweet.

Do you all think the same about Christmas then? Do you think giving adults chocolate at Christmas is weird? I'm really struggling to comprehend this

I was just thinking the same. No Christmas stockings for adults in our family and no Easter eggs for adults apart from DH and I each buying one for the other. We still all get together, exchange gifts at Christmas and enjoy each others company and it doesn't mean we don't care, it's just that we don't feel we need those things. We aren't particularly religious so Easter is not a big event for us.

TBH I've bought about 20 x quid eggs from Asda this year so far for the kids and I don't know where they've all gone whistles all innocent like
I certainly don't buy for adults.
As to the whole present thing, I would love to be able to say to my ILs (who are on a very tight budget) to please just get me a fiver book token for Xmas and birthdays, instead of the "surprise" pile of 50p M&S outlet tat/ridiculous oversized plastic jewellery that they get me every single year (which one year included a spectacular lemon frilly nylon nightie that was 3 sizes too small, it almost spontaneously combusted straight out the wrapping paper). It all goes straight into the charity bag. I've learned that husband needs to be given a list of possible items with exact details that he can choose from and he is happier for it.
On the other hand my mum and I always surprise each other with a wee luxury and because we have such similar tastes, happily we always get it right.
It really depends on each person, no one thing will work for everyone.

HugotheHippo "I need to grow up, don't I?"

No. Not at all. Nothing "childish" about wanting to make things special. Both my parents had extremely stressful jobs when I was young. My mum would go to some effort for birthdays when we were very young but my 8/9 it's like we were too old for it all and birthdays would be a few presents and dinner out.

For my DCs birthdays I get up early, decorate with banners and bunting, put up balloons, have all their presents laid out on the kitchen table with a lovely breakfast. My last DD's birthday (turning 7) I turned up at the school gate with a foil helium balloon!Christmas is the same... DH and I do all we can to make it as magic as possible.

House is all decorated for Easter with an Easter tree and spring pot plants, figurines, on Easter morning DH will be dressing as the Easter bunny!!

But kids aside, I love it all. My last birthday I came downstairs to a lovely bunch of metallic helium balloons and breakfast cooked by DH with flowers on the table and he had arranged a surprise birthday lunch for me with all my friends.
I love making things special and fun. I'd rather be on my death bed thinking "haha we were a bit OTT sometimes" than "boy were we dull"

Does BIL buy expensive eggs then?

I think that stuff is expensive here(Germany) & it's pretty pretty hard to find eggs.

No Smarties, Buttons etc.

All you can ever get is this

So the teens have got one each with an Aldi gold bunny & some Moser Roth pralines.

Husband has got pralines, a gold bunny & Moser Roth marzipan hearts.

I rarely know what I want for bday/Christmas & would rather have nothing than something for the sake of it tbh.

If we can afford it I expect my dh to get me an Easter egg. Especially as I've abstained from chocolate for lent
But in the case of ILs I'd be saying that there's no need to be getting an egg for with of us. I would want to put him at ease on the matter tbh. It's too much pressure IMHO, to keep these things up IYSWIM.

I know what you mean OP i prefer surprise gifts too.
I like getting things that are a luxury not a need and therefore i wouldnt have bought it for myself. I like jokey and silly presents too. Or sentimental ones.

Also i find that a surprise gift can open a new window. For example if you always wear black and someone buys you a bright top then you might actually like it and buy more bright colours. Or discover a new hobby etc. Imo that's a gooo. ood thing about surprise gifts. Otherwise we could all buy oo what we always buy and stick to our ways.

Sorry, I definitely have the inlaws with the oddest present-giving tradition. This is how Christmas goes, assuming that we're at the MIL's.

DH and I are each supposed to buy ourselves what we want. MIL buys herself what she wants. Each person wraps the present they've bought themselves and schleps it to MIL's with them for Xmas lunch. Presents are then handed over to the person who's meant to be giving them to you - so prior to lunch MIL hands DH the wrapped present she's bought for herself "from him" and he hands it back, saying, "Happy Christmas, Mum" and she opens it and gushes over it as if surprised, even though she bought and wrapped her own gift! He hands her what he bought himself and she pretends to give it to him. Repeat process all round the family circle.

Then everyone produces receipts and writes each other cheques. So if DH spent £28.32 on the present for himself, MIL writes him a cheque for £28.32. He then writes her a cheque for whatever her present cost.

Then you take home the present that you brought with you - and your cheque reimbursing you for it.

Apparently gift vouchers would be unthinkable, rude, joyless blah blah blah

FWIW I buy myself an Easter Egg!

I feel for your bil though. He must be really struggling (sad)

My BIL is like this too op - he does the odd surprise but he generally prefers to tell us what to get him. I think it's bloody rude, but as he's DH brother and not mine I let him deal with it. Phone conversation a week or so ago between BIL and DH:

BIL: Do you mind if we don't do Easter Eggs this year?
DH: Errr... no. Obviously. [puzzled face due to wondering why we do them now having never bothered before]

I do think you just have to accept that's how they do things though and let it go. and make sure your DCs grow up doing things your way

bookcave Hahahahahahahaha!!! Oh my goodness. FUCK THAT!!! Either you want to buy me a gift and you go out and go to the effort of choosing it, purchasing it and then wrapping it or sticking it in a sodding gift bag or you don't.

Slimjiminy - Exactly! You can ask for ideas, you can opt for gift vouchers, you can buy nothing. All are fine - but this lunacy - no! I watched open-mouthed the first year and have refused to participate ever since.

It completely misses the point of gift-giving imo. Ridiculous. I'm glad you don't join in.

bookcave, bring-your-chequebook festive fun!

outtolunch, shepherd's crook and fishing gilet, quirky MIL you have there!

er.... I do often say to my fashion concious nieces that if they see something they like whilst out shopping (which I hate, but they consider to be a lovely way to spend their time) to get it, and I'll give them the money. Strikes me that makes a LOT more sense than this extremely unfashionable old aunty getting them something they politely thank me for, but never wear. Can not see the point of that, at all.

Disregarding the Easter egg issue that everyone has their knickers in a twist about YANBU. In my family we give suggestions but that is it; very rarely someone asks for something specific unless it's a bigger item that they are saving up for in which case we might put money towards it.

DP's family do the whole list thing or asking for exact presents and it does make things a bit boring especially shopping for it. On the other hand it makes it quicker!