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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give DC an entirely different surname to me and DH?

95 replies

newsandreviews1 · 16/04/2014 21:40

We have a beautiful new baby girl and are currently debating what to call her. What surname we give her has a bearing on what first name we choose as both mine (I kept my maiden name) and DH's surnames are nouns and are awful in that they sound silly with many given names. His is also a comedy name.

As a possible solution DH suggested we give her his mums maiden as a surname which is lovely and goes with just about every name going. His mum has always said she wishes she had never changed her name when she got married but that in those days it just wasn't the done thing. I think she still sees herself as her maiden name.

The more significant thing about this is that MIL is poorly with two long term illnesses and we see this as a potential way to honour her and thank her for all the help, support and love she has given us down the years. We have talked to her about it and although she was slightly surprised at first, I think she likes the idea.

Are we BU for thinking of doing this? Do you think it would cause DD, and any future DCs, any problems? Would it be a bit odd for us all to have different surnames? Does anyone know anyone who was given a different surname to their parents?

Your advice and comments are very welcome - this is such a big decision - not to mention an unusual one - and any help and advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 16/04/2014 21:42

Aww I think it's lovely! but do consider the implications of baby not having the same names as you and dh and other siblings when it comes to thinks like schools and doctors.

Could you double barrel it with either yours or dp's name?

ballseditup · 16/04/2014 21:43

YANBU OP - you can do what you want!

You could even change yours and DP's names too if you want to all have the same name?

NatashaBee · 16/04/2014 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 16/04/2014 21:47

I know someone who did this.

I think you've given good reasons for it and I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do it.

Original poster

newsandreviews1 · 16/04/2014 21:49

wheresthelight - we have thought about double-barrelling so that there would be an obvious connection to one of us but we are still debating! It seems just a little too fussy I guess!

OP posts:

Thurlow · 16/04/2014 21:50

I think that's lovely. A surname is just a name, whether or not you have the same surname as your child is not remotely important in the day to day scheme of things, I have a different surname and it makes not a jot of difference at the doctors. It's only important to share a name if it is important to you. There aren't any practical implications - most people on here say they don't even have a problem going to through airports etc, but if you're concerned with that you can always take a copy of the birth certificate.

If the surname works and sounds good and you like it, go for it!

Trillions · 16/04/2014 21:50

Why don't you and DH change your names by deed poll to his DM's maiden name, then you can all have the same surname?

really want to know what your surnames are now

whitewitchofnarnia · 16/04/2014 21:51

I think it sounds nice, I sort of wish I had done it, as I couldn't name dd the name I really wanted to as it sounded silly with dps second name

TheCraicDealer · 16/04/2014 21:51

I think it's a lovely, lovely idea, but ultimately it'll cause you a lot of issues. Like someone else said, having to constantly explain yourself to schools, doctors, passport control.... And that's before you think about DD trying to explain to her little friends at school why she has a different name to both her mum and dad.

I would consider using Maidenname-yourname for DD, adding the maiden name to your own and DH sticking it on his as well.

badidea · 16/04/2014 21:51

I'd go for a middle name myself (we gave DS1 my maiden name as a middle name, and DS2 my mums maiden name as a middle name), but it maybe depends on how much you don't like your surnames?

I've never officially changed my maiden name, so I have a different surname to my boys, I don't think it matters if they are different (you're still family) but you could always change both of your names by deed poll as well so they'd be all the same?

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 16/04/2014 21:52

I would think it would seem odd to have a different surname to both parents and you may end up having to explain yourself to nosy people which is fine but could end up being irritating.

I was stopped at customs coming back from France and told off by the customs man for having a different surname to my daughter.

MotorLoo · 16/04/2014 21:52

There could be potential problems/delays at the airport. I know that they're're starting to question parents with different surnames to their dc. I think school/gp/hospital etc might be a little perplexed - doesnt matter of course but I imagine there'd be questions asked and you might have to explain why she has a different name over and over again. Other children might find it strange at school too and ask your dd questions. (I don't think it's strange btw, just thinking of potential difficulties for you).Could you all change to your mil's maiden name? I do think it's a lovely idea and a very sweet thing to do for your mil.

MotorLoo · 16/04/2014 21:55

Oops loads of x posts there!

Thurlow · 16/04/2014 21:55

I can't really see how it will be problem at schools and doctors? What kind of problems? So they call you Mrs Smith instead of Ms Jones? Just nod and smile, or correct them politely. Loads of women have kept their maiden names, loads of children have their mum's name not their dad's, loads of children have a step-dad and haven't changed the name. It's not a big deal. In 2 years not one single person has mentioned the fact that I have a different surname to DD, nor has the fact that we have different surnames ever come up in an official capacity.

woundbobbin · 16/04/2014 21:57

I kept my maiden name when I married and my dd has a surname made up of the 1st few letters of my surname and the last few letters of DH's she is still quite small so I don't know if it will effect when she goes to school etc but up till now we have had no bother with it there are a few family members who insist on referring to her as having DH's surname but I'll let her deal with that if it bothers her when she is older.

BikeRunSki · 16/04/2014 21:59

My brother, his wife and her son all have different surnames. It causes them a lot of grief and a few missed flights.

In your situation OP I'd change my, DH's and the baby's surname to your mil's maiden name.

eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 22:00

I don't understand why you don't use your name. Is there a slight issue with DH accepting this, by any chance? If neither of you like his name, use yours.

Thurlow · 16/04/2014 22:01

Genuine question, but other than airports, which you can plan for by taking a birth certificate along, what actual problems does a different name cause? Problems as opposed to just correcting people?

wheresthelight · 16/04/2014 22:03

My mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer on the day dd was born, her maiden name is often used as a first name for both gorls and boys, we loved it but preferred something else as a first name so we used it as a middle name. Mil cried when we told her! She was so very proud of showing of her 10th grandchild to every Doctor, nurse, health assistant, cleaner etc in the placeand told eeveryone she was named after her. Made those last few weeks so wonderful seeing how much joy it brought her.

I agree with other posters, if you don't fancy double barrelling it then look at changing your names by deed poll - costs about £20 each To do it online

eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 22:04

BikeRunSki - the whole family changing to MIL's name is very sweet - do it if you like, OP.

But I kept my name on marriage because it is MY name, and that was important to me. You may feel the same (or not). It would be strange to turn down using your husband's name, but then change to your MIL's name. Still, having DC makes us all reconsider lots of stuff.

By the way, I have a different name to my children, and I've never missed a flight or been 'told off' by an immigration official, and I travel a lot. They often ask to see birth certificates, which I show them. And that's it.

MotorLoo · 16/04/2014 22:04

I don't think there'd be a problem at the school/gp but I'd imagine they'd say 'oh, we notice you all have different surnames' and then op would find herself explaining the same thing to various people - could get annoying (or maybe the receptionists I've dealt with are nosier than most ).

My friend has ds with different surname and has been stopped at airport but I guess keeping a copy of the birth certificate to hand would overcome any difficulties there.

BikeRunSki · 16/04/2014 22:05

A&E

Feeing allied as a family unit?

ballseditup · 16/04/2014 22:07

OP, you don't have to explain anything to anyone (apart from immigration/police etc!). If the gp receptionist says 'oho you'veall got different names' just say 'yes we do'

Are you going to tell us your and your DPs names? Please?

Swansinflight · 16/04/2014 22:07

I love the idea but one caveat occurs to me - given a family with mum X, dad Y and child Z one assumption might be that your DD is from a previous relationship with dad Z. Would that bother you or your DH?

Thurlow · 16/04/2014 22:09

Allied as a family unit? Are you less of a unit with one part of your whole name different?

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