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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give DC an entirely different surname to me and DH?

95 replies

newsandreviews1 · 16/04/2014 21:40

We have a beautiful new baby girl and are currently debating what to call her. What surname we give her has a bearing on what first name we choose as both mine (I kept my maiden name) and DH's surnames are nouns and are awful in that they sound silly with many given names. His is also a comedy name.

As a possible solution DH suggested we give her his mums maiden as a surname which is lovely and goes with just about every name going. His mum has always said she wishes she had never changed her name when she got married but that in those days it just wasn't the done thing. I think she still sees herself as her maiden name.

The more significant thing about this is that MIL is poorly with two long term illnesses and we see this as a potential way to honour her and thank her for all the help, support and love she has given us down the years. We have talked to her about it and although she was slightly surprised at first, I think she likes the idea.

Are we BU for thinking of doing this? Do you think it would cause DD, and any future DCs, any problems? Would it be a bit odd for us all to have different surnames? Does anyone know anyone who was given a different surname to their parents?

Your advice and comments are very welcome - this is such a big decision - not to mention an unusual one - and any help and advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 16/04/2014 22:09

I kept my name on marriage, only changed 8 years later when I was 8 months pg with dc1. Even now though I am Mrs Married Name DS and DD's Mum and Dr Maiden Name Important Government Scientist.

Coconutty · 16/04/2014 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 22:10

But seriously, OP, why not use your name? DP could change his name to yours if he chose to do so. Or he could change to MIL's surname, and you & DD have yours. Or he changes to MIL's surname and you give your DD this name, and you still keep yours.

I love the idea of using MIL's surname somewhere in there. I'm sure she'll be thrilled. I think your DD will find it pretty cool, too, when she's old enough to care. :)

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 16/04/2014 22:22

Friends of friends called Mr and Mrs Gaye have called their two DSs both Master Graye due to a lifetime of teasing for Mr Gaye.

littleducks · 16/04/2014 22:28

We are like this. Dh is Mr X and I am Ms Y. The children are all Z. Their cousins are also Z although all their parents are Mr and Mrs X.

I haven't had problems. School calls me Mrs Z. Casually and I smile and nod. On paper everything I sign and their records have my proper name so no issues.

I have had one problem once (oldest is 7) when my mum sent my Dd a parcel to Miss Z thinking she would be excited. I missed delivery and the sorting office wanted ID for Miss Z. As she was 3 she had no ID which I pointed out. The clerk
then asked who she was to me if I had another surname. We got the parcel though. And tbh if she had dh's surname or would have been the same story.

The doctors have never minded. I get asked if I have PR at vaccinations and they always call me "mum" without asking my name.

Passport control didn't raise an eyebrow.
Cultures have different surname etiquette, I'm sure they are used to it.

crazykat · 16/04/2014 22:37

You could use either yours or dh's surname as a second middle name instead of double barrelling. It would be on any official things like passports and medical records but not used every day. I have my mums maiden name as a second middle name (was suppose to be double barrelled bit my dad cocked up when he registered me).

Or do as pp have suggested and you and DH change your last names too.

Doingakatereddy · 16/04/2014 22:46

Oh dear mother of god, are you just trying to mark this poor kid out as different.

Years, just years your DD will have to explain no she's not adopted, yes you are married, no she's not from a previous marriage and on and on. You'll be called 'mrs new name', some authority will want to check DH has parental responsibility.

Just pick one of your names and have done with it.

weatherall · 16/04/2014 22:50

Go for it!

Schools and GPs etc are used to all sorts of name combinations these days.

My partner has a different surname from my DC but officials still assume they're blood relatives.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 22:52

I honestly can't see the point of you all having different names. But if it's what you want to do then do it.

Sharaluck · 16/04/2014 22:57

I don't see the problem. They way things are going what with immigration/passport checks etc you will have to prove pr etc with birth certs anyway. Surnames really do not 'prove' anything!

Chose whichever surname you like!!

smartypants1000 · 16/04/2014 22:58

I think it's a lovely idea and giving a name that's meaningful to you is much nicer than just doing the done thing. DD might love hearing the story around her name. I think kids love feeling different and special, I also don't understand why people want to give their children the message that being different is a bad thing doingakatereddy - I'd much rather bring them up to celebrate difference and feel confident to be themselves, knowing that everyone is "different" anyway!

But - I do agree that people will assume dd is from a previous relationship. Would dh want to change his name to mother's maiden name? I've guessed his name as Bucket, btw ;-)

I kept my maiden name when I got married, feeling strongly as you do that it was my name - I didn't think I'd mind not having the same name as my children. But in the end, I did mind everyone assuming we weren't married, calling DH Mr Maidenname, etc. I didn't get married to prove anything to anybody else but I did mind in the end that some people assumed we weren't. I changed my name to my married name 4 years after we got married - got lots of "congratulations", but much less confusing since and I prefer it now. not saying you should change your name, just that we can underestimate how much something will bother us, so you might think now that you won't be bothered by assumptions about dd's paternity, but you and she might be in the future?

Caitlin17 · 16/04/2014 22:58

Lovely idea.I wouldn't worry about the child from previous relationship point-it's no-one's business and in any case as you all have different names I don't think that assumption holds up anyway.

Journey · 16/04/2014 23:03

Agree with Doingakatereddy

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/04/2014 23:03

Sounds lovely,

Caitlin17 · 16/04/2014 23:05

Oh and for everyone saying you'll have problems at customs my son and I have travelled widely from when he was 6 on our own without his father. We have different surnames on our passports and we've never been asked about it.

Pinkbatrobi · 16/04/2014 23:15

I had always assumed that by law the children would have to take the surname of either mother (if single) or father (if father recognises paternity and/or married) - is it really possible to just pick a surname for your children? And if so...any surname/name can be used?

Caitlin17 · 16/04/2014 23:18

And to everyone who says you'll constantly have to explain, do people care? My son is 24 now but I remember going through the class lists and being pleased at how many combinations of any 2 of Mr, Miss,Ms,Dr, Professor with different surnames were there and usually at least 1 child who had a different surname from either parent. It never occurred to me wonder why or care. From memory Mr and Mrs same name were around half of each class list.

The school obviously cared enough to ask all parents and to get the correct answers but I expect as long as the fees were paid I doubt they cared or judged either.

ICanSeeTheSun · 16/04/2014 23:24

It's what DH and I did.

Ds had the surname first, DH changed his name to DS, then DD was born and automatically had ds and DH surname and then when we got married I changed mine.

Pinkbatrobi · 16/04/2014 23:24

No, I've been wrong all along...
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/your_family/family/birth_certificates.htm#h_naming_the_child_on_a_birth_certificate
I am really surprised! Having said that, I do agree with Doingakatereddy, it would be so much simpler to go with one of yours, or change all three.

Caitlin17 · 16/04/2014 23:27

Pink no a birth has to be registered and the name of the mother if unmarried and the father as well if married or if not married if father attends at the registrar put on the certificate as parents but the name doesn't have to be either parents' name.

Ericaequites · 17/04/2014 01:17

It sounds much too complicated. Children born to a married couple take their father's name to show they aren't bastards. Your daughter deserves better.

Minorchristmascrisis · 17/04/2014 01:21

Erica! Are you serious?

FryOneFatManic · 17/04/2014 01:22

Ericaequites
It sounds much too complicated. Children born to a married couple take their father's name to show they aren't bastards. Your daughter deserves better.

What a load of crap! I don't see it as complicated. I also don't like the judgyness you show about bastards. These days, it really doesn't matter.

amals1 · 17/04/2014 01:39

DH and I have different surnames and our 3 Ds have the same surname but neither mine or husbands. A little confusing but totally normal in our African culture.

Brabra · 17/04/2014 03:25

That is lovely.
I have never different names from my children, we are also different colours and nationalities, but I have never experienced any of the (non) problems here.

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