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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DC an entirely different surname to me and DH?

95 replies

newsandreviews1 · 16/04/2014 21:40

We have a beautiful new baby girl and are currently debating what to call her. What surname we give her has a bearing on what first name we choose as both mine (I kept my maiden name) and DH's surnames are nouns and are awful in that they sound silly with many given names. His is also a comedy name.

As a possible solution DH suggested we give her his mums maiden as a surname which is lovely and goes with just about every name going. His mum has always said she wishes she had never changed her name when she got married but that in those days it just wasn't the done thing. I think she still sees herself as her maiden name.

The more significant thing about this is that MIL is poorly with two long term illnesses and we see this as a potential way to honour her and thank her for all the help, support and love she has given us down the years. We have talked to her about it and although she was slightly surprised at first, I think she likes the idea.

Are we BU for thinking of doing this? Do you think it would cause DD, and any future DCs, any problems? Would it be a bit odd for us all to have different surnames? Does anyone know anyone who was given a different surname to their parents?

Your advice and comments are very welcome - this is such a big decision - not to mention an unusual one - and any help and advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Brabra · 17/04/2014 03:26

Errant 'never' there!

AlpacaYourThings · 17/04/2014 03:44

Erica Hmm

OwlinaTree · 17/04/2014 03:48

I can't see a problem for child at school. You will probably be casually called Mrs dd's surname but you can cope with that. None of dd's classmates are going to know what your surnames are so that won't be an issue.

crispsanddips · 17/04/2014 04:27

I think it is a lovely idea and I'd totally go for it.

I was brought up by my mum but I have my dads surname and we went abroad every year when I was younger and no one even batted an eyelid that I have a different surname to my mum.

And to people who are saying your child will be bombarded with questions about it- I really can't imagine it will be the topic of conversation for a group of 7 year olds who wouldn't even know the surnames of their friends parents would they? They'd just be "X's mum" or "Janet" or whatever your first name is.

I know of a family where mums name was (making actual names up but you get the idea);
Sarah Smith. She had a baby with a man that was not involved with the upbringing of the child so baby became Girl Smith.
Sarah Smith met Bob Jones and they had a child and were married and so the family was Sarah Jones, Bob Jones, Girl Smith and Girl2 Jones.
Sarah and Bob broke up and Sarah met Ben Brown and had a baby with him so now they are;
Sarah Brown, Ben Brown, Girl Smith, Girl2 Jones and Girl3 Brown.
I don't think it matters to any of them.

Flexiblefriend · 17/04/2014 05:25

If it feels right to you and your DH go for it. It sounds like a lovely idea. I find it hard to believe in this day and age that anyone would think anything of you all having different surnames. It is so common place, and I don't imagine many people would be tactless enough to question it.

sashh · 17/04/2014 05:58

It's a lovely idea.

Most of the world, well a lot of the world, parents and children have different names.

I've never known anyone IRL who has had a problem at an airport and yes I know people with different names to their children.

The only person I know who had trouble explaining things was one friend who when called to the school had to repeatedly explain that no she was not the child's step mother and just because she is black doesn't mean her child can't be white.

hotcrosshunny · 17/04/2014 06:16

The practical issues of different names are minor IMO.

But having different names for me would be strange. I like us all having the same surname because it makes you feel part of one family - this is a cultural and societal thing.

However you can explain to your dd (and others) in simple terms that she has MIL's name and that's that. But I don't know why you don't give her your maiden name and MIL's middle name?

Also you've just had a baby - your hormones are all over the place. Give it a week or so then decide.

fairyfuckwings · 17/04/2014 06:25

I think it's a lovely idea but also would add about passport control problems. My youngest has a differentsurname to me and we were stopped at customs last year. She has my husbands surname so he showed his passport and all was fine. It's the only time this has happened in 6 years but it is something to bear in mind.

Jollyphonics · 17/04/2014 06:30

It seems I'm the only one who thinks its a bad idea. I think it's a strange thing to do. You're a family, why wouldn't you want to share a name? Clearly no one agrees with me but if I met someone who'd done this I would first assume that your husband wasn't your baby's father, then when it was explained to me I'd just think you were weird.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 17/04/2014 06:33

Me and DH travel with a letter from each other when we travel separately with the kids (passport control are looking out for abduction by one parent also where surnames are quite likely to be the same anyway)

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 17/04/2014 06:35

"ou're a family, why wouldn't you want to share a name? "

Do you feel that about husbands who don't take their wives' names or vice versa, jolly?

Caitlin17 · 17/04/2014 09:08

Erica what utter nonsense.

LynetteScavo · 17/04/2014 09:19

I think you have to decide what is most important to you.

To me, it would be important the family all had the same name, even if it was a comedy name. In your case, I think I would go with everyone adopting your MILs maiden name.

I wouldn't ever make assumptions about the parentage of a child based on a name.

Booboostoo · 17/04/2014 09:21

It's up to you but in some bureaucratic situations it's going to be a major hassle. I have a different surname from DD and DP so a French hospital refused to release DD's medical notes to me as they did not recognise me as her mother. I appreciate the UK is a lot less bureaucratic but I have to deal with French and Greek practicalities and basically have ended up taking with me originals and translations of our marriage certificate and DD's birth certificate everywhere and arguing my way through the problems.

rootypig · 17/04/2014 09:25

I think it's a lovely idea! I have different surname from DD and travel with her. I have been questioned about it - that is, they have asked, is this your daughter?, and nothing more - but it is very easily dealt with by carrying a photocopy of her birth certificate when you travel.

Erica, just Hmm.

rootypig · 17/04/2014 09:26

From a practical point of view, I think it's very common for mothers to have a different surname from DC, as many women now keep their own name but DC still take the father's - and I don't see that this would be much different.

lionheart · 17/04/2014 09:31

Sounds like a lovely idea OP. You and/or your DP could change too if you wanted.

Erica, it is not 1932.

HillyHolbrook · 17/04/2014 09:52

I vote double barrelling. I have a friend with a similar situation but they put together her mums family name with her dad's to honour both her dad and have that bit of a connection, and her grandad who was very ill at the time.

She was SO proud because after some searching, she realised her and her brother are the only two 'X-Y's in the whole world Grin

SaucyJack · 17/04/2014 09:59

It's not bad or unreasonable- tho I wouldn't do it. I'm sure one of your surnames is usable.

FWIW- we are a three-surname household (DD1&2 have bio dad's name) and it's never been an actual problem.

masterbates · 17/04/2014 11:24

lovely idea for all the right reasons but it will actually cause immense problems all of the time - GPs, schools, passports, etc etc etc

I agree with other posters to use it as a middle name so you can get the best of both worlds

masterbates · 17/04/2014 11:28

I should say I am also the same as others on here Ms Masterbates at work and MrsL as DS mum etc

I just think it is v unusual for a DC to have a surname that does not feature at all in either of the parent's names ....

In Spain etc the surnames are different between the parents but the kids have one of each of the surnames so there is some link

mummymeister · 17/04/2014 12:21

growing up I had a different surname to my mum and different again from my step dad. it caused no end of problems tbh with stupid things like hospital appointments, flight/ferry tickets etc. the point of a surname as I see it is to provide that sort of link to the past, to show where you have come from as it were. giving a name that isn't either of yours might sound like a good idea when they are a baby but you will get sick and tired of the number of people saying Ms Newsandreviews could you bring little billy newsandreviews over for his check and then you having to correct it each time. children actually don't like to be different they like to fit in. and they will be constantly asked by other kids why they have a different surname from both parents. don't do it to them please.

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 12:28

I'm still waiting for someone to give an actual example of a problem having a different surname causes,.except at passport control. And I mean a problem, not just.having to say "actually I'm Ms Thurlow, not Ms DD Surname."

PoundingTheStreets · 17/04/2014 12:28

It won't cause you any issues as long as you are prepared for potential difficulties.

The mother-child biological link is much easier to establish than the father-child link because of pregnancy. When parents separate 92% of the time the children remain with the mother and 1 in 5 of those children go on to lose contact with their biological fathers. With all that in mind, it seems to me that the most sensible course of action would be for women to keep their names, children to adopt the mother's surname as default, and for the man (if he wishes to) to change his name on marriage to that of his wife.

Unfortunately, I only reached that conclusion after giving my DC their father's name, although I never changed my name on marriage. If I had any more DC (no plans to) I would also give them the father's name because I would not want my existing DC to feel that they somehow weren't good enough to be given my name but the new child is IYSWIM.

Anyway, the point is that I don't share a name with my DC and it's never caused me any problems travelling, at schools/doctors, etc. This is because I am aware of the possible complications and always take a birth certificate with me when travelling or for something where I may need to establish parental responsibility. The worst that has ever happened to me is that I've been called Mrs DC's-surname.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 12:34

'It sounds much too complicated. Children born to a married couple take their father's name to show they aren't bastards. Your daughter deserves better.'

Certainly much too complicated for your pea brain.

Twat.

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