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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give DC an entirely different surname to me and DH?

95 replies

newsandreviews1 · 16/04/2014 21:40

We have a beautiful new baby girl and are currently debating what to call her. What surname we give her has a bearing on what first name we choose as both mine (I kept my maiden name) and DH's surnames are nouns and are awful in that they sound silly with many given names. His is also a comedy name.

As a possible solution DH suggested we give her his mums maiden as a surname which is lovely and goes with just about every name going. His mum has always said she wishes she had never changed her name when she got married but that in those days it just wasn't the done thing. I think she still sees herself as her maiden name.

The more significant thing about this is that MIL is poorly with two long term illnesses and we see this as a potential way to honour her and thank her for all the help, support and love she has given us down the years. We have talked to her about it and although she was slightly surprised at first, I think she likes the idea.

Are we BU for thinking of doing this? Do you think it would cause DD, and any future DCs, any problems? Would it be a bit odd for us all to have different surnames? Does anyone know anyone who was given a different surname to their parents?

Your advice and comments are very welcome - this is such a big decision - not to mention an unusual one - and any help and advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 12:55

I'm Ms Thurlow. I have, over the past few years, been called Mrs DD/DP's surname when I'm with her, Mrs DD/DP's surname when I'm with DP, and Mrs Thurlow. None of which enormously matter. If it's a quick appt with DD, say with the HV, and they call me Mrs DD's surname, so what? I just smile and carry on. The same way that if I am waiting for an appt for DD I'll respond if Mrs DD's surname is called out.

It's just not a problem. 9/10 it doesn't actually matter what you are being called. The only 'problem' that arises is occasionally having to correct the use of a particular surname - but that would happen if you were married and didn't have DC but didn't share a name with your husband which is, really, very common.

A good third of the mums and dads I know don't share a name with their DC. No one has ever complained about a problem.

SarcyMare · 17/04/2014 12:58

I had problems at a german airport as my son has a different surname to mine, if the child had a different surname to both adults travelling, i just can not imagine the fun hassle.

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 17/04/2014 13:04

I'd do it.

In my family we have four different surnames. All in the same house. It has never caused one problem ever. Not at the airport , doctors, school. Nothing.

So don't worry about that

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 17/04/2014 13:05

Oh and you can be a family unit without sharing a surname, I can assure you of that one

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 13:08

Yes, we're a family unit based on, you know, loving each other, rather than sharing a few letters in the same order as part of our name...

Goblinchild · 17/04/2014 13:18

I used to work in a school where all 400+ pupils were of Pakistani or Bengali origin, and most didn't have family surnames. They had their own name, first and second, but it didn't link to the rest of the family.
We used to keep the office records based on address as well, so you got very used to saying 'Mina Begum 175 Rochdale St' to differentiate between her and the other girls also called Mina Begum. But her brother wouldn't be a Begum, that's for girls. So he'd be Ibrahim Mohammed, for example.
None of them had any problems bobbing in and out of the country with passports and different names.

Do what you are both comfortable with OP.

softlysoftly · 17/04/2014 13:37

It sounds complicated but doesn't really matter I suppose. To be honest if neither of you are firmly attached to your surnames I'd just change everyones to the MILs maiden name, she would love that.

caruthers · 17/04/2014 13:45

Each to their own I suppose but I wouldn't do it, all my children have my last name.

Probably old in the tooth etc..

DidoTheDodo · 17/04/2014 13:47

I changed my surname, my two daughters married and too their husband's names. Therefore all four of us have different surnames Possibly different as they are adults - but they are no less my children!

It's not a big issue to me at all and this kind of thing is getting so much more common.

DidoTheDodo · 17/04/2014 13:48

took.
Also the "four" relates to my son as well. Think before engaging keyboard...

BackforGood · 17/04/2014 14:07

YAonlyBU if you then kick up a fuss when people call you "Mrs dd's surname". If you are comfortable with this happening, then it's up to you, but I was going to suggest what others have - that you choose one name for all your family - maybe your dh's Mum's maiden name, or maybe something else altogether - and have a single family name... it makes life much easier.

Caitlin17 · 17/04/2014 14:07

My son and I don't have the same surname. It has caused no problems whatsoever. I've never been asked by passport control or anyone else to prove I'm his mother.

Isn't the case in Iceland children will never have the same surname as either parent. I'm sure it works as follows.

Let's say my father's first name was George. I'd be Caitlin Georgesdottir; let's assume my partner or husband is called Colin and his father is called Andrew he would be Colin Andrewson; if we called our son Harold he would be Harold Colinson and if we had a daughter called Emily she'd be Emily Colinsdottir. 4 different surnames.

CMOTDibbler · 17/04/2014 14:23

I think its a lovely idea.

DH, ds, and I have different names. The worst that happens is that one of us corrects someone as to our names. The GP/school etc seem to cope just fine.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/04/2014 14:36

I think the reason behind the change is lovely

I would not have a different surname to my children and I don't think that my DH would either

I would change all the surnames to one name (we thought of doing this when we got married but FIL was incredibly unhappy!!!)

Hellokittycat · 17/04/2014 14:50

Sounds like a lovely idea. I have friends who did this and then changed both their own surnames to the new name too

LynetteScavo · 17/04/2014 14:57

Yesterday, for the first time ever since I've had DC (over 15 years) someone presumed I had the same surname as my DC (knowing DCs surname they asked if I was Mrs Scavo). It's surprised me, as I find people don't automatically expect parents and children to have the same surname these days.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 17/04/2014 18:12

I was at college with a lovely girl who had a rotten relationship with her father, she had changed her name to her mothers name and added child so 'elleschild' or similar and it was so lovely.

HelenHen · 17/04/2014 18:54

I kept my name when I got married. It hasn't been an issue at all. Gp never mentioned, I never have to give my name when I take ds for appt. If I did, surely it's on record that I'm his mom. It was mentioned to me at one passport control that it's common practice to carry birth cert... But it's not law is it? At school how would it be anissue? Most couples aaren't married these days so have different names anywho!

marjolaine · 17/04/2014 21:37

I had a different surname from my stepfather (who raised me from very young and is my dad) and my mother (who kept her name in all of her marriages) when growing up and not only did any of us never have a problem with authorities etc. I absolutely loved it. I felt very special having my own name, that was mine and only mine. We were always a family regardless of name.

I kept my name when I married dh but gave the DC his name (before they were born wanted to do boys his name girls mine but DC are same sex) and I feel very 'other'and not part of their 'team' sometimes

SE13Mummy · 17/04/2014 23:43

No, it wouldn't be odd for three individuals in a family to have three different last names.
Yes, I know many children whose last names are different from their parents'.

The reasons you've given make MIL's maiden name an obvious choice for your DD's last name and a fitting tribute to your MIL. In time, your DD will take great pleasure in explaining that her Grannie/Grandma was such a special lady that DD was given her maiden name as a last name.

Others have already suggested that you all take MIL's maiden name as a shared family name - why not add it to your and DH's names so you'd be Newsandreviews CurrentSurname MILsMaidenName, DH would be DH Lemon MILsMaidenName and DD would be DD MaybeMiddleName MILsMaidenName?

Friends of mine changed their last name when their baby was born; A took B's last name when they married but B had always had a particularly close relationship with a relative who died when A was pregnant with C. When C was born, they wanted to honour the relative (who'd been looking forward to meeting C but never got to) and so rebranded themselves as a new family; honouring that special relative by using their surname for all three of them. The 'new baby' announcement they sent out included a precis of why A and B were changing their last name to X.

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