27 year old Grandmother

[bongobaby]

Her 12 year old daughter has given birth last Sundayand the dad is 13. She fell pregnant in year 6 of primary school. They are totally in love and into each other and want to get married.
Why an earth would you want to be a grandmother at 27 with a daughter of 12 now a mother.

My mother focused very much on "don't get pregnant" and "don't get infected" but there's more to it than that.

"This is what consent looks like", "teenage boys won't explode if they don't get their end away", "you don't owe him anything", "how ready you are says nothing about your character in general" and so on were the lessons I needed.

Well i hope you are lucky enough to be one of the ones that approach works for LQ. It didnt for my mum.

So you would rather they go to teenage friends for health advice or an anonymous school nurse for advice than you?

You would prefer a school nurse to give your dds the pill and not know?

Because that's what happens to millions of girls and mothers.

My mum was like that. If I don't see it and hear about it it's not happening.

I wish I could have confided in her.

If that's being a friend to my dds and my dss then yes I am a friend.

Yes of course. You're just better at scary face than my mum was. That's what it is. I must tell her it was her lack of mirror practise that caused me to be a teen mum.

I'm sure my mum thought she had me sufficiently terrified of her wrath too.

You seem confused about what you actually mean LQ. You say you have taught them all the facts so why would they need to speak to the school nurse and why would you prefer they do that than just clarify with you what they are unsure of? Surely if they speak with you it gives you a better chance of your own views and feelings taking root than them hearing different things from friends or school nurses? Tbh it sounds like you just feel embarrassed having the conversations and so are satisfying yourself with having dispensed the facts so you can tell yourself it's job done. It sounds like chickening out.

"But if they were going to have sex, I would expect them to approach it sensibly and to use contraception, which is exactly what they have been raised to do."

How can you expect this of them when you arent willing to approach it sensibly and make sure they can access all the advice and facilities they need to make the responsible choices you want them to.

You can make little digs if it makes you feel better about yourself, i've heard them all and theyre no reflection on me and all on you.

I'm giving you my first hand experience of what your approach did for me. You can choose to dismiss it if you like but it doesnt make it less true.

And you did refer to a wrath of god which most would assume meant shouting and scary faces. Maybe choose a different phrase if thats not what you meant.

LaQ - I'm sympathetic to your position too, but I agree that you haven't got it right. You sound like my mother. What I took from what she said (which I appreciate might not be what she meant to convey) was that it was pregnancy/infections/lost future that mattered, not my feelings.

So I couldn't tell her when I was being pressurised to have sex with my boyfriend at 16, nor when he raped me at 17. Because I wasn't pregnant so I'd followed the rules.

She still doesn't know what happened (and never will) even though it has had an effect on my physical and mental health ever since.

So what is the problem with your teens speakjng with again about sex? I dont understand why you think one conversation from you is all they should get.

"YoureBeingASillyBillyThu 17-Apr-14 12:11:53

The harsh words and impending explosion from their parents just make teens better at hiding what they are doing.

"

I don't agree. My parents never hit, rarely raised thrir voices. In those days there was no technology yo be confiscated. The only disciplinary tools they employed were disapproval and disappointment. Which worked.

SPB harsh words and explosion are very different from disappointment and disapproval. If i'd had the latter maybe i'd have been keener to please them and behave.

What you have done is sensible LQ. What you sre planning to do- shut down communication on the subject as the vital age approaches- is not sensible. Its even more important as they hit teendom to keep talking and reninding of those boundaries but also of what they need to do to keep themselves safe should they decide to have sex, whether that before the approved age or after.

Ok so as they get older the things you need to talk about change and that means talking about condoms and the pill/implant etc. talking about where to go to get that stuff. Talking about whether they need someone (you?) to go with them to discuss their options.