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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To also blame the parents of those who bully?

48 replies

stopfuckingspraying · 14/04/2014 11:25

Last week, a local 15 year old lad hung himself next to his school grounds because of bullying. It has shocked and saddened the community and everyone is very angry.

How can parents not know what kind of person their teenage son/daughter is? I'm so so angry about how vile some children can be these days.

The abuse they inflict to be so bad that a teenager only sees suicide as an option.

I guess I'm just ranting. I think parents should take steps to educate their children about the effects of bullying

OP posts:

almondcakes · 14/04/2014 11:30

I don't know. I

almondcakes · 14/04/2014 11:33

Sorry! I have wondered about the families of bullies. Presumably some kids join in with bullying because of a group dynamic or because they are scared of being a victim. Some I do think it is due to their parents setting a bad example by bullying other adults.

CoffeeTea103 · 14/04/2014 11:33

Yanbu, I have zero sympathy for the bullies regardless of what their background is, when their despicable behaviour results in someone taking their life.
Parents should know to some extent. The moment they are called in to school or see it at home they should address it.

Amytheflag · 14/04/2014 11:33

You can talk to your child many many times about bullying. They can understand how awful it is and promise never to do it. And then still bully or join in when a group bullies.

TheLadyRadishes · 14/04/2014 11:36

Some parents will be bullies themselves resulting in their child also bullying (arguably not the child's fault). Some will encourage their DC to be aggressive. Some have DC who are naturally difficult and shirk dealing with it (I know some like this).

But some parents of bullies will be doing everything they can. It is difficult especially with teenagers to control what they do during school hours. It's the school's job to protect victims then.

I don't think it's a modern thing, there have always been vile bullies. Social media makes things worse as it gives them a new way to access victims, so I think there should be systems whereby any online bullying can be tracked to its source.

Groovee · 14/04/2014 11:36

At the moment, I can see a child who likes to rule the roost, being allowed to by his deluded mother. It's everyone else's fault her child is "apparently close to a breakdown!"

gleegeek · 14/04/2014 11:40

Hmm, it's often hard to see or accept what is right under your nose. My dd has been bullied by the daughter of a friend. I don't rock the boat, have just made sure our dds don't spend any time together, but she thinks her daughter is lovely and fond of my dd. Unfortunately this girl is very good at acting sweetness and light in front of grown ups and gets away with it. It took a lot of persuading for school to separate them

FrigginRexManningDay · 14/04/2014 11:50

I have a zero tolerance for bullying also, but I don't think parents can be blamed all the time. Harsher methods of dealing with bullies or a permanent record of bullying might work, I dunno.
A guy was fired recently from dh place of work for bullying and intimidating behaviour. Afair this won't be disclosed when asked for a reference by any other employer which I think undermines the victims of bullying. If bullying carried a conviction I would bet a lot less would go on.

BerniesBurneze · 14/04/2014 11:54

Yabu, how can you look at your own child and see an evil nasty bastard? Everyone has redeemable qualities.

Of course I expect my son will be raised with only good and kindness in his heart and reports of bullying would be very harshly dealt with by me.. but who really would believe their own child would be the cruel Ringleader?

GooseyLoosey · 14/04/2014 11:57

My son was bullied from age 4 to age 8 (when he moved schools) by a large group of children.

I have to say, although the school was very aware of what was going on, the one time we brought it up with parents (after they asked us why our son had pushed theirs) they were totally shocked - they had absolutely no idea at all and how could they? Their son would not have told them, the other children involved never mentioned it and we never did either.

I had often thought that the other parents must know what was happening and I hated them for it but that taught me that their perspective of events was totally different to mine and obviously filtered through the eyes of their own child.

Parents should of course educate their children about the effects of bullying but, in the case of my son, it was largely done my a group of fairly ordinary children who just developed a poisonous group dynamic but who on their own would have been fine. Do not assume that bullies always appear as 2 horned monsters to everyone.

Aventurine · 14/04/2014 11:57

Sometimes I think children bully because they are put down constantly/bullied by their parents

Hissy · 14/04/2014 12:01

when my DS was bullied, eventually when the school 'invited' the parents in for a meeting, they came in mobhanded and she tried to shout me down and intimidate me. roped in some playground mummy bullies too.

Apples don't fall far from the tree.

HighwayRat · 14/04/2014 12:45

Not always. There were a few bullies in our school, I'd say 80%had bad home lives, the other 20% had lovely parents, one set in particular were at the end of their tether with their dd, no amount of punishing/grounding/talking was doing anything (I know this because we were friends)

Rhine · 14/04/2014 12:57

I used to know of a little boy who was a bully, it ended up with all of the children in his class not wanting anything to do with him because he was so nasty to them. His home life was appalling though, he was living with foster parents because his mum was a drug addict and before being taken into care he'd seen and experienced things that no child should have to.

I'm not condoning it, but in that case it was down to having a really shit background and he was taking his anger and frustration out on other kids. His foster parents were lovely but their hands were tied because how can you properly discipline someone else child?

Original poster

stopfuckingspraying · 14/04/2014 13:38

Do you think it would be reasonable to bring back caning in schools for extreme bad behaviour/bullying?

Do you think that these bullies should be charged with manslaughter?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2014 13:42

Do you think it would be reasonable to bring back caning in schools for extreme bad behaviour/bullying?

No. Not under any circumstances. For some bullies, that's all they've ever experienced anyway.

Andro · 14/04/2014 14:08

YABU to blame the parents of ALL bullies, some parents do absolutely everything they can but for whatever reason (rebellion/wrong crowd/retaliation for being bullied themselves/poor self esteem - the list is endless) they have a DC who is becomes a bully. On the other hand, some bullies have parents who are as bad if not worse than they are or so determined to believe that their DC is faultless in all things that they will not engage with any attempt at corrective measures...those parents do bare some responsibility.

Mrsfrumble · 14/04/2014 14:17

The parents of the girl who bullied me were lovely. I think they would have been mortified if they'd known what she was up to. She was very subtle; we were supposed to be friends but she would constantly put me down, then claim she was joking and I was "in on it". Her older sister had an idea, she was always very kind to me and expressed regret and embarrassment over the bully's behaviour.

I don't think it's always so simple and obvious.

Callani · 14/04/2014 16:04

This isn't going to make me very popular, but as a child I went through a phase of bullying one of my friends. I was quite intelligent and manipulative and really used it to my advantage against the poor girl. Luckily the school was really good and dealt with it within a term and thankfully broke me of a really nasty habit.

My parents weren't exactly to blame - they didn't know what was going on at school etc - but I was just copying the way my mother spoke to me and had essentially learned the nasty behaviour from her so I think in that way there was a parental aspect to it and I imagine that's true for many bullies.

Primrose123 · 14/04/2014 16:12

OP was this the poor boy in Swansea? It's so sad. My teenage DD has been quite shaken by it all.

I don't know if the parents can always be blamed. My DD was bullied by a girl from a very 'nice' family. Both parents were teachers, one was a head of a large comprehensive school. The DD (youngest of three, so very confident and used to being with older children) was very charming and bright and most of the teachers loved her. She could be really nasty and I bet her parents never knew anything about it. I'm sure that the girl didn't tell them, and though the school tried to help our DD, too little, too late, they didn't approach the parents - possibly because one of them was a governor at DD's school.

In the end, we moved schools and DD has been very happy since. I have heard that the other girl is still bullying other kids though. :(

lunar1 · 14/04/2014 16:14

Society seems far too accepting of bullies for my liking. There is more emphasis on finding out why a bully behaves the way they do than stopping the little shits. Our school is quite good with stamping it out but it is always the same names that ds says has hurt or been mean to someone. Without exception they are the spoilt children.

Tapirbackrider · 14/04/2014 17:25

The parents of the boy that bullied my ds are lovely people, and were horrified when it all came out. Their ds was a completely different child at home, great with his siblings, polite, well mannered etc.

It was therefore astounding to them when they were called to the school because their son had doused my ds in lighter fluid and tried to set him alight.

From what his mother has told me - because we are actually friendly, he bullies others because he enjoys it, and feels no remorse

They are at their wits end about dealing with it; what do you do with a young teen who enjoys hurting others?

Pipbin · 14/04/2014 17:48

I have known of parents who come to the class teacher complaining that their child is being bullied, when it is actually their child who is bullying.

MandatoryMongoose · 14/04/2014 18:03

My teen Dd was briefly bullied by a couple of 'friends' they'd had a minor falling out and the 2 girls were harassing Dd via various social networking things. Awful messages, publicly posting photo's and encouraging others to laugh at them, name calling and trying to isolate her from other friends.

As it was school holidays and I was on vaguely friendly nodding terms with their Mums I contacted them and explained politely what was happening and that I was concerned that it was escalating into bullying. One was horrified and immediately spoke to her daughter. The other called a sumit to discuss it, tried to blame her daughters behaviour on my Dd "but it was your Dds fault they fell out - tell them what she did to make you fall out" (they had argued over a boy they both liked) "They were just being girls! They are always a bit bitchy" "Dd should have said if she was upset by the pictures and comments, it's just a bit of fun, I post embarrassing pictures of my friends and we all laugh! " (because telling a bully they upset you is a good idea? and yes, pictures of your friends - not people you've fallen out with). I think she just couldn't accept any responsibility for it. It just did not compute that her child could ever be genuinely nasty. In the end her Dh stepped in and spoke to her .

I don't really blame either of them for it happening in the first place but the Dd of the 2nd mother is still mean prone to fall outs and nasty behaviour. Which makes me feel a bit sad for her really, if she doesn't learn to take responsibility for her actions towards others now I wonder how she will manage socially as an adult.

comicsansisevil · 14/04/2014 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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