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Original poster

To have challenged this man over a throwaway sexist comment?

119 replies

Primafacie · 13/04/2014 22:42

Took DCs to a local park today. Once there, we saw that some lads had set up this enormous train track for kids to play, with lots of battery operated little trains - it was really cool. As my DCs were playing, one of the guys (let's call him Bob) running it explained that they were doing this for free so as to gather support for a new play centre they are hoping to open, but that I could make a donation.

As I was reaching for my purse, a boy (I'm guessing about 8 or 9) walked up to Bob, holding an engine (one of the female characters from Thomas the Tank Engine), and asked if Bob could change its batteries, as it was running really slowly. Bob's reply to the boy was "sorry, it's not the batteries - this one is slow. She can't go really fast, she's only a girl!" He said it in a jokey way.

I waited for the boy to go away, then I asked Bob 'did you really just tell this boy that that engine can't go fast because she's only a girl?' He looked a bit guilty/embarrassed, like he knew it was a bit off, but then he made a flippant comment about that boy being 'big enough' [to understand it as a joke] and I replied 'you're a big boy, you should know better'. That was it - all said with smiles and graces, but it put me off enough that I didn't give a donation in the end.

Was I rude to challenge Bob, given that he was entertaining all these kids, including mine, for free? There was no aggression on either side.

OP posts:
LtColGrinch · 14/04/2014 10:54

Good to pull him up on it - and in a non-confrontational manner.

Bit naughty to not donate though - the donation wasn't to him it was to the centre....

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 14/04/2014 11:17

i think the op handled this well. to the posters who say but what Bbo says is correct:

you are missing that on average men are faster than women but not all men are faster than all women.

and the main determinant of how fast anyone can run is how fit they are - so why did he not mention this?

gotthemoononastick · 14/04/2014 12:30

Poor old Bob and all the enthusiastic boys!What a downer...you always get one.
People complain that there is nothing to do for children,but woe betide the few who try.
Why did you let the children stay to play with his toys?

FetchezLaVache · 14/04/2014 12:36

I think you handled it really well, OP, and were right to let him see that his casual misogyny lost him a donation.

OnlyLovers · 14/04/2014 12:45

What a downer...you always get one.

I don't think someone calling out sexism is a 'downer' but a necessary corrective. Sexist comments like that to and in the hearing of children are unacceptable.

As for 'you always get one', I'd hope that if 'Bob' made similar comments to anyone else there would have been further people challenging his views as well.

It was not 'a fuss about nothing'. As for 'What a waste of effort. What are you trying to achieve?', the OP was trying to make someone see that their comment (probably said without thinking rather than out of malice, but no less wrong for that) was inappropriate and sexist.

OP, it sounds as though you handled it with humour and without aggression, but got your point across. Hopefully he'll think before he says something like that again. YANBU.

monicalewinski · 14/04/2014 12:51

Right to say what you did, and how you did it; wrong to not donate (even if a scam - he's still got batteries etc to pay for and he's entertaining the kids).

Also, I totally agreed with you right up until you mentioned not donating because you "wouldn't be keen for your kids to go to a play centre if the people running it had that kind of attitude" - that sounded a bit sanctimonious.

slightlyglitterstained · 14/04/2014 12:58

Absoluteky what a downer - as a little girl overhearing that kind of comment would have ruined any fun for me. Bob should learn not to be so thoughtlessly bloody mean if he's around children.

fuckoffbeaker · 14/04/2014 15:18

Technically he is right, women cant go as fast or as strongly as men in general, hence having to have allowances made for them when competing

KEGirlOnFire · 14/04/2014 15:25

Another who thinks it's a fuss about nothing.

I don't get insulted when I hear comments like this, I just ignore them. Maybe I've just got more to worry about than a guy who makes flippant comments without thinking about the consequences of saying them to an MNer... Wink

AwfulMaureen · 14/04/2014 15:29

Ke if these small comments go unchecked, then the larger sexist issues will also go unchecked.

C4ro · 14/04/2014 15:36

Technically he is right?? That a toy train that happened to be pink was slower because it was a girl???

Sorry to have to point it out but technically it's a piece of engineering and had either battery or mechanical issues making it run slow. Not any possible way to make that the fault of the pink fucking paint on it!

MexicanSpringtime · 14/04/2014 15:55

Sexism is insidious and seems to be a default setting.

PoundingTheStreets · 14/04/2014 15:57

I agree Maureen - accepting comments like this create the environment in which it is ok to behave in a sexist way. Language use, and the reinforcement of stereotypes that occur because of it, is important and a well-documented phenomenon in the marginalisation of groups. It is one of the reasons so much attention has been paid to the language associated with different racial and ethnic minorities.

Also, to be a bit picky, I'd point out that while men may be generally bigger/faster than women when looking at the species overall, the picture is far less conclusive on a more detailed level. For example, I am 5'3 and weigh 8.5 stones. If you were to pull 10 random men off the street, I bet I can outrun 9 of them because of my level of physical fitness. Numerous factors, such as level of exercise (women of childbearing age often get more), diet and occupation play a very significant role in this.

C4ro · 14/04/2014 16:00

Yes... but it's a toy train... it doesn't have a gender... All this men/ women/ running stuff is just total cul-de-sac.

Or, OK, since you all find it so obvious, I will race a pink Bugatti Veyron against a Blue Nova Swing for cash and you'll all be betting heavy on the blue Nova, since that is the key factor in how fast the mechanical object will be able to go? No?
Excellent, I'll have my pension fund topped up in no time.

RiverTam · 14/04/2014 16:07

yes, it's a ridiculous comparison to make - whilst the male winner of the marathon will finish in a faster time that the female winner, you can't possibly say that all men are faster than all women because not all are of the same level of fitness. DH can outrun me because he is fit and I am not, but his ankles are fucked, he's in his 40s and he's not the tallest bloke either, so a fit woman, in her 20s, with longer legs and not-fucked ankles will be faster than him.

It was a low-level sexist comment - so the OP dealt with it in a low-level way. Hopefully it will have made that man think, and if he starts to think then he might start challenging comments his friends make, and so on.

vladthedisorganised · 14/04/2014 16:11

C4ro - exactly!

"It's not the batteries - this one is slow, it must have a lot of passengers inside/ it's not a high-speed train/ it's a single-traction engine/ it was made before 1985 when they introduced the K4YTO92 bearings on the East Coast Mainline.."

No need to bring gender anywhere near a bit of machinery!

Catmint · 14/04/2014 16:12

Well done you, OP

LoonvanBoon · 14/04/2014 16:12

Not at all unreasonable to challenge sexist comments. Well done OP.

DevonFolk · 14/04/2014 16:13

You were absolutely right. I once questioned a man on a children's toy stall at a fair about why there were separate lucky dips, one for boys and one for girls. He looked at me like I was asking the most absurd question and said that the boys' box had boys' toys and the girls' box had girls' toys in it. I asked if there was any rule about which DD was meant to chose from and he said no, so I asked her to choose and she went for the blue box Grin I was very restrained and kept my whoops silent Wink

PoundingTheStreets · 14/04/2014 16:15

Don't get me started on 'boys toys' and 'girls toys'. Hmm

DevonFolk · 14/04/2014 16:28

Oh and the 'boys toy' that DD picked was an aeroplane. She was delighted :)

grimbletart · 14/04/2014 16:47

I am not sure what is worse - a man who makes stupid sexist remarks or a woman who thinks it's OK for a man to make stupid sexist remarks.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/04/2014 16:47

I wouldn't donate to a play centre that was being run by people like him. Ie people that teach children sexist ways of seeing the world. My child is a boy and I'd be particularly careful as he hero worships young men.

UncleT · 14/04/2014 17:32

Perfectly in order. You did the right thing by not going crazy at him, as we've observed in several other threads where people 'challenge' others. No foul language, no problem.

FloraFox · 14/04/2014 17:59

I think you did the right thing challenging and withholding the donation. It might make him more likely to think in the future that his views will affect his business and not just brush off your comments as coming from some loony feminist.

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