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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have challenged this man over a throwaway sexist comment?

119 replies

Primafacie · 13/04/2014 22:42

Took DCs to a local park today. Once there, we saw that some lads had set up this enormous train track for kids to play, with lots of battery operated little trains - it was really cool. As my DCs were playing, one of the guys (let's call him Bob) running it explained that they were doing this for free so as to gather support for a new play centre they are hoping to open, but that I could make a donation.

As I was reaching for my purse, a boy (I'm guessing about 8 or 9) walked up to Bob, holding an engine (one of the female characters from Thomas the Tank Engine), and asked if Bob could change its batteries, as it was running really slowly. Bob's reply to the boy was "sorry, it's not the batteries - this one is slow. She can't go really fast, she's only a girl!" He said it in a jokey way.

I waited for the boy to go away, then I asked Bob 'did you really just tell this boy that that engine can't go fast because she's only a girl?' He looked a bit guilty/embarrassed, like he knew it was a bit off, but then he made a flippant comment about that boy being 'big enough' [to understand it as a joke] and I replied 'you're a big boy, you should know better'. That was it - all said with smiles and graces, but it put me off enough that I didn't give a donation in the end.

Was I rude to challenge Bob, given that he was entertaining all these kids, including mine, for free? There was no aggression on either side.

OP posts:
Sharaluck · 14/04/2014 00:39

I think commenting on it was fine, but don't understand why you withdrew the donation Confused

partialderivative · 14/04/2014 04:18

So you were happy to let your DC play with this stuff, but not so happy that you could bring yourself to actually contribute to the upkeep.

Yes, it was silly comment for 'Bob' to have made, but you called him on it. The batteries still need to be paid for, the time still has to be found to set up this (brilliant sounding) enterprise.

What did you contribute? Some how you are sounding smug for doing nothing.

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 14/04/2014 04:43

Yanbu. I loathe casual sex ism. Should have paid though.

You don't sound smug to me!

MrsSlobinson · 14/04/2014 05:02

Wow. I would have been really irritated by that comment and would not have wanted to spend any more time with Bob. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to then get out my purse and give him money. I might have paid one of the other team members - depends how long my kids were using the train set really.

MexicanSpringtime · 14/04/2014 06:07

The man insulted OP, as a woman that was an insult, and I wouldn't donate to a play centre that was being run by people like him.

QueenStromba · 14/04/2014 06:21

I am absolutely shocked that so many women are brushing off this man's remarks and telling the OP that she should have given this sexist pig some money. Actually, I'm not shocked but I really wish I was.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 06:40

YANBU.

If OP was (as she may be) black and Bob had made some comment like, "oh that black engine goes slow because blacks are lazy" or similar, would she have been petty then for not donating?

QueenStromba · 14/04/2014 06:49

Of course not Doctine, it's only women who have been socialised to put up with anti-woman crap. Black people have, quite rightly, been taught not to put up with anti-black person crap. Most of us women know our place.

fairylightsintheloft · 14/04/2014 07:42

I think it was fine - you challenged it in a low key, unaggressive manner and maybe made him think just a little bit. If you'd come on here saying "AIBU to be furious about this" and saying you'd reported him to someone then yes you would be being OTT but as it stands I think you did it just right actually. Just because its not the biggest problem the world faces doesn't mean its not worth a quiet word.

LongTimeLurking · 14/04/2014 07:53

It sounds like he made a throw away remark and you immediately corrected him and made your point in a firm but polite and lighthearted way.

YANBU and hopefully he gets the message and thinks about what he is saying next time.

AwfulMaureen · 14/04/2014 07:59

YANBU. I ALWAYS challenge comments like this. I have two girls. I am a woman and it's my duty to stop the rot.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2014 08:01

I know I'm alone on this, but.....
Men are faster than women, because they are physically stronger. I don't see this type of comment sexist at all, because it's a fact. (generally!obvo Paula Radcliffe is faster than my dh, but as a general.rule)

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 08:05

But that's not the context of the comment. A train painted pink and a train painted blue have no reason to go at different speeds.

Any comment that includes "only a girl" is likely to be a sexist one, just as "only a black" would indicate racism and "only a Jew" anti-Semitism.

LongTimeLurking · 14/04/2014 08:06

arethereanyleftatall We are not talking about athletics though are we? The comment made by this guy was in relation to a toy train set, it was like saying "women can't drive".

RedHelenB · 14/04/2014 08:07

Actually as children there is not so much in it, but definitely males are quicker than females one they reach adulthood. Mean to withold the donation but no harm in challenging him!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2014 08:32

Fair enough.

NotEnoughTime · 14/04/2014 08:33

I think you were 100% right to call him on it.

I HATE this kind of casual sexism-especially when it is said to children.

I am a regular on @nomorepage3 and people often come on there to say things like there are bigger fish to fry etc however I truly believe you need to start with the "small" things and then the big things may not arise not sure if I'm making any sense but I know what I mean

AreWeThereYeti · 14/04/2014 08:44

I would have said something but would have done so in a friendly jokey sort of way and I would have made a donation.

There are too many things in life to get properly irritated about to get too shirty about this. He was definitely joking so I don't find it as bad as other every day sexism.

BoneyMan · 14/04/2014 08:46

Go you!

NearTheWindymill · 14/04/2014 08:50

I wouldn't have challenged; I'd just have got a tenner out of my purse and said something like "oh but I'm only a girl and worth less than a bloke, so I think a fiver's better".

brokenhearted55a · 14/04/2014 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulMaureen · 14/04/2014 08:57

Broken yes but that difference does not show until the age of around 13 or so. In fact, at 17 I was still beating the boys in my class at 100 meters.

wheretheairisrarefied · 14/04/2014 08:57

I think what you said was fine.

I have 2 dds and a friend has 2ds' , our kids are the same ages. We often go on days out together in the holidays. A few of them have involved things like tractors, trains, horse and cart type things.

TWICE now we've been out and one of the blokes running an attraction has spent time fawning over my friend's 2 ds' -

One let the DS' sit on the driver's seat of the horse and cart.

Another guy with a tractor gave some tractors to the DS'.

Both totally ignored my DDs. It is SHIT watching someone doing something lovely and kind for your friends DC while your own children stand here wondering why they're being left out.

Because the person in charge is a sexist prick.

RiverTam · 14/04/2014 09:01

I think you were right, and I think there's no harm in getting that guy to realize that stupid comments like this can have a negative impact on his fundraising.

Bue · 14/04/2014 10:49

Well done OP. It's so disheartening to see women (assuming posters are female) brushing off this comment as no big deal.