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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be happy with one dc?

35 replies

Calico2 · 13/04/2014 16:26

Dh and I have one ds, who is coming up 3 years old. We are both pretty certain (and have been before he was born) that we only want the one dc. There are various reasons - we both work long hours and feel that we couldn't give enough attention to another, it would also be a struggle financially. We are in our late thirties and don't want to start again with a newborn.

But we keep getting the annoying questions now that ds is toddler age, "when are you going to have another?" etc etc. When I reply "never" I am met with shock! Apparently we're being selfish to deny ds the sibling experience. (ds doesn't have any cousins, I am also an only child and dh has a younger brother who hasn't got any children yet, but ds has plenty of friends at nursery). AIBU? Will my ds be lonely and spoilt growing up? I never felt like that as a child

OP posts:

melliebobs · 13/04/2014 16:29

Yanbu if that's what works for you and as a family then sod anyone else and their 'opinions'. Me and DH are stopping at one and I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks

kinkyfuckery · 13/04/2014 16:32

Of course YANBU. Your choice for your family is exactly that - YOUR choice!

Your DS will make plenty of friends outwith the home.

RedPencilPot · 13/04/2014 16:36

I have one ds and it would be so easy if we stopped at one. Dh and I said before he was born he would be an only child but now he's here, I do feel an obligation to provide a sibling.

I do worry about him being alone in the world after dh and I die.

It's tricky, I would like to stop at one but I don't know if that's the best thing for ds.

Am watching with interest.

Aboyandabunny · 13/04/2014 16:54

We have on DS aged 10. The boat for anymore has well and truly sailed and I do feel sad about it sometimes. That said DH and I both work full time and all free time can be devoted to DS. We were out in the windy northeast of Scotland countryside earlier having a family picnic having fun, chatting, laughing and making plans for the holiday week ahead. I certainly didn't feel we were anything but a complete unit.
Socially, he has schoolfriends round pretty often and has cousins who he sees fairly often. He swims and goes to Cubs and has friends from there too. He is just about to embark upon guitar lessons too to widen his horizons. All this can be done without having to consider anyone else.
He is sad sometimes that he doesn't have any siblings but is often relieved to come home from friends where there are brothers and sisters.
DH and I have a sibling each but we aren't particularly close to them. We see/rely on friends more than family.
Life is what you make it whether you have 1 or 6 children or siblings.

LovelyJubblies · 13/04/2014 16:56

You could have none, one or a zillion children and people will still have opinions.

Who gives a rats arse what others say

InvaderZim · 13/04/2014 17:05

I have one DD. I am not obliged to provide her with a sibling and probably won't. I have very few good memories of my brother growing up, we are far too different to have ever been friends.

And then I moved to another country so it will be down to him to look after our parents when they are old. (On the other hand, he gets all the free child care.)

jeanmiguelfangio · 13/04/2014 18:07

I have one DD and she is an only, everyone asks when are you having another? And when I say no, it's a you'll change your mind. No, no I won't. I am an only, dh is one of 3, and we both agree one is it. I can spend all my time with my baby and im happy.
I just want a family of me, dh and dd. My goals in life are to be happy and travel and enjoy family life. I dont want to worry as much as I would with more. Id also have to move house, go back to work and have even less time with dd I already have.

When you meet someone its when are you getting engaged, then when are you getting married, when are you having children, when are you having more... people just need to butt out!!

crypticbow08 · 13/04/2014 18:26

Course you are not. I am perfectly happy with one dc. We live comfortably financial, ds gets all the attention he needs and we are all happy :) its got nothing to do with anyone else!

PortofinoRevisited · 13/04/2014 18:30

I only have one. I started quite late and really wasn't bothered about going through the pregnancy/newborn stuff again. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when we are gone. But she is a joiner inner type, so hopefully will have friends/family of her own.

WitchWay · 13/04/2014 18:35

We have one DS now 16. If I'd got pregnant again we'd've have another one or two but I didn't & when I was nearly 40 we stopped trying. Quite happy with just the one really.

Andrewofgg · 13/04/2014 18:36

My DS, only child, is now 29 and DW and I got the same nosy questions. It seems to be hardwired into our species. Men and women both.

missedith01 · 13/04/2014 18:41

Nowt to do with anyone else. YANBU.

Mrswellyboot · 13/04/2014 18:42

It's no one else's business at all, you are happy with your family. Ignore them.

People are too quick to remark on everything.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:44

People are so bloody rude.

We had 2 very close together and then 9 years later had another 2 very close together.

The unwanted comments were amazing.

Op just stare at them and say 'it's our choice so go do one'.

LeBearPolar · 13/04/2014 18:45

We just have one (by choice) - DS is 11 now and we have a lovely family unit which feels complete. He has lots of friends and activities, and we often have an extra child with us for one reason or another, and he also has plenty of cousins.

I have had anxieties about it in the past, and once another couple with their two children told DH and I that we were cruel to only have one. Lots of people asked us in the early years when we were going to have a second but it doesn't happen now.

Ziggyzoom · 13/04/2014 18:47

It is no one else's business, but I don't understand the both working long hours thing... Surely if you have time for one, you have time for two .

BertieBotts · 13/04/2014 18:58

No, having one is great in lots of ways. (I wish I could be happy with it - I know objectively it's fine but I want more!)

Good things:
You can travel or take day trips or visit people with far less planning, notice, money.
You can help them follow their interests without having to balance the needs of other children. You can figure out where their interests overlap yours and have fun times like you would with any friend.
If you decide to put them through private education or support them through university, you only have one child, so you don't have to consider it for the others in the sense of being equal hence it's one set of fees, not 2 or 3.
I think they tend to turn out more adult-centred and more able to relate to adults, which can be nice.
When they go on playdates or sleepovers or school trips, you get time alone without children! Less likely to happen all at the same time with more.
When they get old enough to wake up and do their own thing in the mornings, you get lie ins back. No siblings to concoct trouble with. No babies/toddlers to supervise.
If you decide to have more children much later, you have a ready made babysitter (just as long as you don't abuse this).
You can fit them and up to three of their friends in one car.
Once they can wipe their own bum, YOU NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH POO AGAIN.

I think the relationship is different too, more intense. This could be good or bad depending on your personality!

MrsBongleChops · 13/04/2014 19:06

One is perfect! We have one DS8. Can do what we want when we want. He has friends, though no cousins. He plays well in groups and alone. Probably is a bit spoilt, but he's lovely and polite and grateful. We are very happy.

Needthesunshine · 13/04/2014 19:30

We have an only by choice. I didn't particularly enjoy the tiny baby stage and had no desire to go through it again. There is a 2 year gap between him and his younger cousin and they are like brothers. I do sometimes feel a touch of regret that I'll never have a daughter and have the same relationship with her as I've got with my mum.

WyrdByrd · 13/04/2014 19:34

Bollocks are you being selfish & denying your son anything.

Far more selfish to have another child be for self gratification or because society says you should, when you have admitted that you and your DP know it is not right for your family.

As for denying him a sibling relationship, as an only child myself (and mum of an 'only') I do have the odd wistful moment, but many sibling relationships are as fraught/ complicated as they are supportive both for the children & parents involved.

It makes my blood boil that people think they have the right to comment negatively on what grown adults decide is the best option for their own personal circumstances.

badidea · 13/04/2014 19:43

Different subject but when my brother and his wife got married (at 23 and 21) they announced to everyone they would never be having kids and that was it done.

If you only want one, you only have one, no-one can (or should) suggest having a child you don't want - that's incredibly cruel on the child you'd have.

I've always wanted more than one, but that's me (I'm from a large family and feel a bit gutted that (because of various reasons) I'm only going to have the 2 that I've got. If you and your bloke are happy with one, don't apologise for it, tell people that's your decision, make it clear you will never be having anymore and that it is none of their business.

We were worried DS1 was going to be an only (fertility problems) and he was 3yrs before I fell pg with DS2, but we focused on the positives, there'd be loads more money to go around, he was very sociable and generous and had learned a lot from being with our childminder in terms of 'sharing' and stuff, and we'd be able to have fancier holidays :-D We also adopted a couple of cats at the time, figuring if he can't have real siblings he can have the furry kind!

MrsMopps · 13/04/2014 20:44

I'm an only child with an only child.
I never missed having siblings and still don't even though I have no close family apart from DH and DD.

Better to have an only child than have another child you don't want in order to be a glorified plaything for DC1.

Also there's no guarantee they will get on.

moominmarvellous · 13/04/2014 20:55

I always said I wanted one child, no pets.

I now have two children and a dog.

I wish I'd stuck to the original plan!

Do what you want to do my dear. It's not everyone else that will have to deal with the challenges that come from having more than one. My in laws harped on and on about us having another - now that we actually have two they never want to have the kids over and our eldest doesn't get a look in when we do see them. It's your life, no one else's.

elQuintoConyo · 13/04/2014 21:17

I always answer, "good lord, no, the next one will be a dog!". the nosey bastards people don't know, then, the reason behind your decision/circumstances - and nor should they, but it shuts them up.

It often feels like 2yo ds is actually one of triplets, some days

ForalltheSaints · 13/04/2014 21:36

YANBU. You have thought about it carefully.

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