Trust fund for children set up by pil

[PoppySeed2014]

Completely prepared to be told iabu. I really don't know...

We have 3 dc and are struggling a bit financially. Nothing dreadful but we've got into about £3k debt paying nursery fees etc.

My pil have set up trust funds for our dc which they (and only they) can access at 18. The money can't be touched by anyone till then.

Aibu to feel a bit weird that my pil have effectively entrusted my dc with large chunks of cash that my dh and I have no say over? I'm hoping they'll be mature, responsible 18 year olds who'll use the money for university. But... I just feel a bit uneasy.

I would rather the money was put into an account that we can use for their education now or save for when we feel they'll be responsible enough to use wisely.

Hit me with it. Aibu?!

25? Yep- when they've got through university and are probably settled in their first job.

Surely if they blow it all at 18 then a) it's their money and b) it's a valuable life lesson.

My DCs have 2 sets of great grandparents and 2 sets of grandparents putting money away for when they're 18. If that goes on motorbikes, booze and having fun or mortgages, uni and cars it doesn't matter. It's their money to spend as they see fit. Obviously I would rather the sensible options (although no issues with motorbikes) but it's not my place to demand how they spend a gift.

Pressed send too soon-25, when they might have started to have responsibilities and won't be able to travel at the drop of a hat....

YABU to relate this in any way to your own financial struggles. If they want to do this for the children then be grateful - many get nothing. On the other hand, I would say that 21 is much better than 18 though, as there's a legitimate concern about having one's head turned by money at that key point in life when decisions about higher education might be made.

I think it's a great thing they've done. We have had someone set up a trust fund for our dd. just as you say at this stage in life there are lots of bills and debts but I would love to be able to put money aside for my dd's future. This way it's been done but has meant we're not struggling more. It has a massive tax incentive doing it as a trust fund and they have to have access to it at 18. I really feel that at that age most people would have enough sense to use it wisely.

Our PILS have done this too, but we have no knowledge about anything else about it whatsoever....They never give the DC money in bday envelopes or anything like that....a fiver or a tenner, but I strongly think there is a trust or savings account for them.

Our problem is the ties the PILS have to money and the control they seek to use with it.

I will be strongly urging my DC to take any money from them with extreme caution.

If I was GP and had some spare cash for GC I would put it away with a purpose, so I would say, this money comes to you, IF you go to uni...to be released termley to get you through OR if you don't want uni, Then travel, specifically, OR a car OR deposit for flat...but a specific use....

Otherwise, you just have to kiss the money goodbye. Literally. All of you including your DC's.

In your case I think your going to have to simply let it go,,,forget about it....

pretend it does not exisit. BUt I understand your frustration.

Thanks for the replies all...
I shouldn't have mentioned our (small) debt. It's irrelevant really. And we will be out of it by the summer. It is also mainly from our house move.
My dc's pre-school doesn't accept the free 15 hours. Older dc in private school too. All comfortably affordable (with a blip for said house move!)

I think yellowdinosaur got the point I was making. I'm very grateful that my pil have set up a fund. But I wish they'd consulted us and taken our request that the money isn't available at 18 into account.

I'm financially savvy and had a large chunk of savings myself at 18 (partly saved from my own holiday jobs). I'm very much hoping that my dc will be the same, but however much I expect that to be the case there is a CHANCE that one of them at 18 might do something stupid with a large chunk of cash (it looks like it will be 6 figures so really not ok if it is blown or wasted).

We have set up accounts ourselves (isa's in our name) to pay for university fees, travel etc for our dc if/when they need help. However, I really want them to get some sort of part time job in the holidays once they're 16 so they understand what it's like to earn their own money (and because I think it'll be good for them).

Sorry this has been a bit derailed by "nursery fee debt" and some not so veiled private school snearing.

I think I'll just make sure that we start talking to our dc once they're 12 or 13 so they understand the situation and are primed to be sensible!

bornfree I agree with you. While I'm grateful that my pil want to pass money on for the dc, I'd love it if they could either let my dh and I use it for what we think is best for them or give it specifically for university fees/ a deposit once they're 25 or something.

I think the reason I mentioned school fees in the first place was that my mil said that the money will help with their education. Well that's now! They're fully supportive if the dc being in few paying schools (their dc all went to private schools too) so help now would be as useful as at 18 (we can afford fees but would then be able to save more for dc's when over 18).

I also really don't want the dc's to lose incentive to work hard and forge their own careers/lives.

Sorry for crap spelling. On phone etc.

And to those who think I'm a bit controlling... Well, yes!
I have 3 small children. They're happy, loved and well behaved. They currently want to be a farmer, doctor and tree surgeon (my daughter ). I can't imagine they'll be horrors at 18. But teenagers can be tricky (so I hear!) so I'm just trying to protect them a bit.

I think Yabu, it's only money after all... So what if they spend it all, it's theirs to do what they want with it. Money isn't something precious which should be coveted, it's there to spend and enjoy on whatever you want to spend it on.

If I had have been given a lot of money when I was 18 I would have used to to enjoy life with and done the things I would have liked to do before having to settle down and be responsible for children/house etc. etc.

Both me and my brother got access to a couple of thousand at 18. I used mine sensibly - I still had it 3 years later when I graduated and it helped pay for me and dh's first car.

My brother was far less sensible and it just sort of got spent.

Two children brought up exactly the same. (And had always known about it and been discussed what to do with it.)

The differences as far as I could tell were:-

1. Our birth months. I am August so got the money 6 days after A levels results so was already thinking about leaving home, how to budget etc. Db is October so Uni was still a far off dream for him so he spent the money on socialising as a sixth former. (And I suspect on his friends socialising too - db has always been very generous which is lovely but he can be taken advantage of.)

1. Our parents financial situation. When I turned 18 money was reasonably tight for our parents. 6 months later a distant relative died and left them a life changing amount. By the time db was 18 (he's 2ish years younger) the money had all come through. So while I saw the money in a "wow - such a huge amount, if I blow it I'll never get that much again", db didn't see it as such a big deal.

1. Our innate personalities. People are different.

However, we both learnt from the experience so my parents think it was worth it either way. Db is now very sensible with money as he still remembers feeling rubbish that his money was gone while I was buying a car with mine.

So if a small amount I'd just let them get on with it.

On the other hand a friend of db's inherited a lot of money (£500k or so) while at university. He dropped out and went off to "have fun" with it. He's now early 30s, the money is gone and he's having to start all over again.

So a big amount is more worrying as it has the capacity to wreck a life.

Both me and my brother got access to a couple of thousand at 18. I used mine sensibly - I still had it 3 years later when I graduated and it helped pay for me and dh's first car.

My brother was far less sensible and it just sort of got spent.

Two children brought up exactly the same. (And had always known about it and been discussed what to do with it.)

The differences as far as I could tell were:-

1. Our birth months. I am August so got the money 6 days after A levels results so was already thinking about leaving home, how to budget etc. Db is October so Uni was still a far off dream for him so he spent the money on socialising as a sixth former. (And I suspect on his friends socialising too - db has always been very generous which is lovely but he can be taken advantage of.)

1. Our parents financial situation. When I turned 18 money was reasonably tight for our parents. 6 months later a distant relative died and left them a life changing amount. By the time db was 18 (he's 2ish years younger) the money had all come through. So while I saw the money in a "wow - such a huge amount, if I blow it I'll never get that much again", db didn't see it as such a big deal.

1. Our innate personalities. People are different.

However, we both learnt from the experience so my parents think it was worth it either way. Db is now very sensible with money as he still remembers feeling rubbish that his money was gone while I was buying a car with mine.

So if a small amount I'd just let them get on with it.

On the other hand a friend of db's inherited a lot of money (£500k or so) while at university. He dropped out and went off to "have fun" with it. He's now early 30s, the money is gone and he's having to start all over again.

So a big amount is more worrying as it has the capacity to wreck a life.

Yes YABU. I would be really happy if grandparents did this for my kids. Unfortunately my mum is (relatively for her age group) poor and in negative equity, and ex-parents-in-law are rich but selfish bastards who would rather live in massive houses into their retirement and/or buy second homes in France than help their grandchildren who they believe shouldn't exist because I was not good enough to be shagging their precious son. So no chance. The savings I and their generous but again not rich aunt are able to put together for them may be enough to buy a car or put a deposit on a rental flat, but won't be enough for sodding tuition fees so hoping I can move back to Scotland before then.

you had better make sure that social services can't take it for care funds if your PIL need care.
There was a case in the press recently where a grandmother had set up savings accounts for her DGC and the local authority were legally able to use it for her care fees.

YABU as the money isn't for you.

Surely you should be happy your children are going to be giving a financial start when they are 18.

Our children have lots of savings and a big part has come from FIL. We wouldn't dream of using, or asking to use it, as it is for the children and even if we had kept a track of what we had put in we wouldn't use that portion either. I wouldn't ask FIL if we could use it either as he has given it so isn't his anymore.

You sound resentful that your children are going to have money at 18. Why is that?

I have to agree with Mumoftwoyoungkids everyone's different my sister and I received 2k each when my granddad passed away I kept mine as I was moving house soon after used it for carpets and blinds and used to rest to pay of things we had bought on credit, my sister had nothing to show for it she spent the lot in a few months on nights out fags and take aways.

We were 23 and 25 at the time both with our own homes and child so not much difference in circumstances

YANBU to have concerns about how your DC might react to a windfall at 18 but YABU to think your PIL should give you the money now instead

YABU.

I would love for GPs to do this for our DCs. We put a little away but its not going to be much at all. They will be adults and if they piss it all away that is their choice.

Sounds like you want control of it because you are in debt with nursery fees. That's not your ILs problem to sort out!

Can folk really not see that 18 trolls suddenly having access to perhaps a few hundred thousand could be a bad thing? Would be very worried if my 18 yr old suddenly had that money to play with. Would yo not rather it was held off till they had perhaps been through uni etc?

We really had to think when making our will recently how an amount like that too young might affect our children. You could be doing more damage than good - I don't think some people really think it out.

Yes 18 trolls could do some damage - maybe 18 year olds.

Have pmd you Poppy

Thanks dawndonna Sobering stuff!

I know that if my eldest DS had been given a large sum at 18 it would be gone by now (he is 23) but if DD was given it (she is currently 16) she would treat herself with some, but most she would save for moving out/car/uni etc.

Same with me and my sister, I would have blown it, sis would have saved it.

I would be happier in your position if the trust became available at 18 for further education costs only if needed, but the full amount was not released until they were 25.