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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trust fund for children set up by pil

133 replies

PoppySeed2014 · 11/04/2014 21:34

Completely prepared to be told iabu. I really don't know...

We have 3 dc and are struggling a bit financially. Nothing dreadful but we've got into about £3k debt paying nursery fees etc.

My pil have set up trust funds for our dc which they (and only they) can access at 18. The money can't be touched by anyone till then.

Aibu to feel a bit weird that my pil have effectively entrusted my dc with large chunks of cash that my dh and I have no say over? I'm hoping they'll be mature, responsible 18 year olds who'll use the money for university. But... I just feel a bit uneasy.

I would rather the money was put into an account that we can use for their education now or save for when we feel they'll be responsible enough to use wisely.

Hit me with it. Aibu?!

OP posts:
Suttonmum1 · 12/04/2014 07:44

I can sympathise with this. I think in 8-10 years there will be a string of stories about kids blowing CTF/ISA money. Why couldn't these saving schemes have been given the option of passing to the child at 21 rather than 18? Is it possible to ask grandparents to vary the trust fund to pay 25% at 18 and 75% at 21?

Martorana · 12/04/2014 07:47

I can't believe people put conditions on a gift. Further proof, if proof be needed, that in laws can never, ever be right.

A deeply depressing thread. And I still want to know how a SAHM of small children can run up a 3 grand debt for nursery fees.

Morgause · 12/04/2014 07:51

Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth.

You are being VVU.

My parents did this for our boys and they used the money to buy their first cars. If you bring your DCs up properly of course they will do the sensible thing.

I'm so glad my DiLs aren't like you.

diddl · 12/04/2014 07:51

"Aibu to feel a bit weird that my pil have effectively entrusted my dc with large chunks of cash that my dh and I have no say over?"

Yes!

Whatever the kids do with the money won't affect you at all.

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2014 07:57

Long may you believe this and may nothing ever occur to change your smug mind. Hmm

Morgause · 12/04/2014 08:01

What a charmer you are, Barbarian. Name calling so early.

juneau · 12/04/2014 08:02

YABU. It's their money to do with as they wish. At 18 I'd have used a windfall to either buy a car or go travelling (or both - if it's a generous amount of money). Of course, there are no guarantees that your DC won't blow the lot on partying and expensive clothes, but you've got plenty of time to try and dim some sense into them.

As for running up £3k of nursery debt when your a SAHM Hmm Might be time to reassess your priorities!

Martorana · 12/04/2014 08:04

"

Long may you believe this and may nothing ever occur to change your smug mind. "

Th point is that whether or not the child concerned does the sensible thing with the money or doesn't, it's none of your business. It's between the child and the grandparent- you can't go round imposing conditions on other people. Yes, you may well wish that the terms of the gift were different, but so be it.

WeAreEternal · 12/04/2014 08:15

It's all about teaching DCs to be responsible with n

Twighlightsparkle · 12/04/2014 08:16

I think 18 is too young.

21 is better, although I understand it probably is for Uni fees.

YellowDinosaur · 12/04/2014 08:16

OP I bet you wish you hadn't mentioned your debt that is completely irrelevant to your main concerns then everyone could actually answer the question you are really posting...

YANBU. We had exactly this issue with fil. Dh doesn't have a good relationship with him so in our case I think it was as much about fil doing something we didn't agree with to piss us off. But we to had very similar concerns that our sons might at best fritter it away and at worst use the money for drugs /motorbikes /get used to a life style they then couldn't sustain so get into significant debt. We just asked that it be given to them when they were older so they had a bit more maturity to use it wisely. Or the experience to decide that actually they wanted to fritter it away but it was a considered choice rather than immaturity leading to them doing something they regret.

Fil was stubborn about it as it was 'his money'. The only way it was resolved is that he got into a degree of financial trouble, nothing serious but so that there wasn't free money to put into accounts for the boys. But thankfully it hasn't amassed into to much by then. What it did show us though is that there was really nothing we could do about it so we resolved instead to keep the money we are saving for our sons future a secret, teach them as well as we can about the value of money and having to work hard for it, and encouraging them to think very carefully about the advantage it could give them at 18.

WeAreEternal · 12/04/2014 08:24

It's all about teaching DCs to be responsible with money from a young age.

I also think it it good for the DCs to know about the trust find and to discuss apropriate ways to spend it.
My GPs had trust funds for my siblings and I, as did many of my friends, some knew about the TF but some didn't, of everyone it was more those who didn't know about the money until they turned 18/21 or just before, that spent the money unwisely, because, in my opinion, they hadn't been prepared for suddenly having access to a large amount of money.
Of course a lot of people spend some of it frivolously, but most of the people I knew invested it in property, their education, or cars.

My parents have set up TFs for all of their GCs, and I plan to do exactly what they did and teach DS how to be responsible with money and that the TF is an investment for their fuiture from his GPs.

Andanotherthing123 · 12/04/2014 08:24

Ask your PIL to not tell DC about it until they're 21. Sorted. I wish with all my heart I had the same problem as you OP. Yabu.

Suzietastic · 12/04/2014 08:30

My children have 2 trust funds, one from my PIL and one from my uncle and aunt. It will be substantial. Both parties consulted my DH & I and we agreed 25 as a good age. I know that sounds extreme but it will be enough to at least buy a house with. I'm not loaded either, probably similar to you but I'm more than happy that my DCs will be taken care of in later years.

When I turned 18 I was left about £10k. It was gone in about 5 months. I think you are right to be worried.

WeAreDetective · 12/04/2014 08:39

I think YABU as its their money to leave as they see fit. Moving it down the generations helps avoid tax issues and makes financial sense. As well as being a lovely gesture for their future. It's a shame you have jumped to the negative assumption that your DC will mis spend it, in your view. Is that a control thing?

I am glad that you have cleared up that this has nothing to do with your own debt, which you can easily pay off in a few months anyway. Because your op implied that your pils should give you the money now and not waste it on the kids in the future.

WooWooo · 12/04/2014 08:45

YABU. It's the children's money not yours. Also it's a fanatastic way of giving them something for the future that won't get hit by inheritance tax and should get a decent rate of interest.

PunkrockerGirl · 12/04/2014 08:59

If you bring your DCs up properly of course they will do the sensible thing

I have just picked myself up off the floor laughing.

(Mum of well brought up 22 & 18 year olds)

ssd · 12/04/2014 09:04

tell you what op, if its troubling you so much, give it to my kids, theres no trust fund set up for them, so am sure they'd appreciate a load of unearned money when they are 18

Hmm
Morgause · 12/04/2014 09:04

I work with young people in that age group and they all seem to have their heads screwed on properly. Most young people have.

dancingnancy · 12/04/2014 09:09

I agree 18 could be way too young if it's a fairly large amount. We made wills recently and if husband and I die our children don't get full access to our money until they are around 25.

shewhowines · 12/04/2014 09:10

We have invested our children's money in our names. No way are they having a large sum at 18. No matter how sensible they are.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 12/04/2014 09:22

DD was given about 3K by the GPs when she was born to mature at 18. We told her at 16, and made it plain that we considered her use of it an intelligence test.

Part of it went on spending money for a foreign holiday, some she used as front money for her Avon account, the rest (60%) is still there. Test passed IMO.

However, my niece's ex came into 400K at 21, and it brought out his true character. He bought 2 HIMOs, filled them with Balts and used the remainder on second hand Volvo and caravan. DN was suddenly in a relationship with a premature middle aged slumlord, so she chucked him.

nkf · 12/04/2014 09:28

It's their money. I would suggest 21 and I wouldn't keep it secret. Open honest conversations about money. That's the way I'd go. And big thanks to the in laws.

Mimishimi · 12/04/2014 09:44

The advantage is compound interest. Maybe they think you are lax with money and want to provide for their GC's precisely because they don't want you spending it.

fairnotfair · 12/04/2014 09:48

I would ask them to increase the age to 21, or even 25; they might not be sufficiently mature at 18. (My oldest brother came into a sizeable trust fund at 21, and blew the lot.)