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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So, what do you make of DP's behaviour? is he as much of an arsehole as I think he is?

85 replies

LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 11:33

"D"P is really into his computer. He'd be on it constantly if he could. Now for a while he'd just go on it a couple of hours a night but recently he's been getting in from work at 4.30, sitting in the dining room on his computer up until gone 8pm and then coming to "spend time" with me in the living room however, during this time he likes to go off and make a drink every half hour or so which involves him nipping into the dining room on the pc whilst the kettle boils (+20 mins).

It's starting to get on my nerves. If I spend any time upstairs or on the PC he accusses me of avoiding him, being in a strop or generally being ignorant but these days he's never off the bloody thing (and bare in mind there is a little bit of history from a year ago regarding porn and dating sites and this is why it doubly gets to me.)

So anyway, my situation on Tuesday night was that my son had just come out as being bi (not that it bothers me, it's just an added worry about how people will treat him etc) and that he has a boyfriend. My grandad was on his death bed in hospital and my job is on the line. I'm a little bit stressed out and basically just needed company.

DP was on the PC from 4.30 until 8pm. He finally decided to come and spend a bit of time with me at 8, snapped at me when I tried having a laugh with him and kept nipping back to the dining room. At 11pm he asked me to make us both a drink whilst he did pack ups. I made the drink, helped with packups and then went into the living room. He didn't follow, he went into the dining room and sat on the PC (bare in mind we'd already switched TV off etc so I was sat in the living room in silence waiting for him to join me!). 10 mins later I go in the dining room, ask what he's doing and see that he's on facebook. I got arsey at this point and said "you're always on there lately" and walked out again. 15 more minutes in the living room on my own and I thought "bollocks to this, I'm off to bed."

So - 10 minutes later he comes up. I go to hug him (as we always do in bed) and he goes off on one saying I'm out of order for "stropping", he's sick of me turning on him, I treat him like shit, he's putting his foot down on my shitty behaviour towards him etc etc. I fought my corner for a bit but I just didn't have the energy so I asked him to please just drop it. I have a hell of a lot on my mind right now and could really do with the support, company and a bit of affection. He snapped that he didn't give a fuck, I can't just turn on him and then expect him to play ball again whenever I feel like it!!!! I was feeling very fragile, I asked him to hug me, I was worried about my son, my grandad, my job, nobody to talk to, I needed him more than ever ... I was REALLY trying to make amends. He was so cold towards me, refused to hug me, maintained that I was out of order and basically told me to fuck off.

I spent the night feeling very alone, unloved and angry that I'd spent hours begging my supposed future husband to show me a tiny bit of affection when I really needed him and he'd refused. I'd never do that to someone.

My grandad died the next morning. DP sent me a load of grovelling texts saying he hoped I was ok xxxxxx etc etc but no apology. I'm so angry, I feel really let down. The one time I needed him and he refused to just give me a hug or even talk to me.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 10/04/2014 11:37

Please rethink your relationship with this person. There is so much wrong here. It's far from a healthy relationship. Sorry about your grandadThanks

TheGrassIsSinging · 10/04/2014 11:39

He has some sort of computer addiction or is doing something compulsively on his PC (porn? Dating sites? Gaming?). His behaviour is the behaviour of someone either holding in secrets or in denial about addictve behaviour - snappy, turning the blame on you etc.

Either way, its not on.

When things are a bit calmer, can you agree to go out and discuss this calmly? In a public place, maybe?

YouTheCat · 10/04/2014 11:43

Do not marry this man. He is an arse.

LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 11:46

I don't know what it is. He plays battlefield a lot but he also seems a bit over the top with ebay and twitter. It's anything to do with the computer to be honest. There is no one thing I can pin point, it's just the computer in general.

This isn't an isolated thing though, he's changed a lot these past few months. He's grown really intolerant of me, snaps at me a lot and turns every little thing into a huge argument. It's got to the point where I dare not say anything. I know he has money in paypal for example when our main account is overdrawn (only £40 or so) but I dare not mention it because he'll jump on me and make it into a huge row. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He seems to want to really punish me for every little thing like he's trying to assert some kind of dominance or authority over me. I'm starting to feel weak with it all.

OP posts:
Ploppy16 · 10/04/2014 11:49

Yes. Yes he is.
Thats all I can think of to say really. You know he's an arsehole and he's let you down badly when you're most in need of support.

YouTheCat · 10/04/2014 11:49

He is a controlling twat. You can't go on the PC for a while but it's fine for him to be on there all night? He questions everything you do and makes you walk on eggshells.

I strongly suspect he's not the sort to sit down and have a rational conversation about how this makes you feel. Do you really want to spend you life on edge?

LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 11:52

There have been quite a few arguments recently where even after we've both calmed down and thought it through, its been really obvious that he has over reacted at something I've said or he's just generally being awful to me and a few months ago, he would have apologised the next day. Now he won't. A few weeks ago we had a big argument and the next day I apologised for my part in it. He actually used my apology to turn the entire thing on to me and had a massive go at me creating yet another argument. I assumed if I'd apologised to him first, he'd apologise to me and that would be it but he would let it drop and went on and on and on, refusing to accept any blame or fault and focussing on everything I'd done wrong and really going for my overall character saying he didn't realise that this was who I was etc. It make me feel like shit.

Last weekend we had an argument where he was blatently in the wrong and said some awful things to me. I cried myself to sleep and cried again the next morning. He blanked me the next day until I asked him if he was going to apologise for the night before. He looked at me and said "no." and went on to say how it was all my fault and he never realised I was like this etc etc (a new theme of his by the looks of it).

OP posts:
stopfuckingspraying · 10/04/2014 11:54

do not marry this manchild

Ploppy16 · 10/04/2014 11:55

Can you look at his online history? I'm not usually a conspiracy theorist but I would be looking in your position. Something is not right and I would bet on it being linked to whatever he is looking at or talking to online.

Lyllie · 10/04/2014 11:56

He isn't necessarily an ass and your not necessarily being unreasonable.

My opinion is that you might just need to be more straightforward with exactly what you want. If I want my husband to hug me I'll say 'Hey give me a hug'. If I want him to say something nice to me I'll say 'Say something nice to me hun'. Before that the poor guy was getting in so much trouble because I expected him to read my mind. 17 years of marriage later I can tell you it works well and we rarely fight.

As for computer time 3 and a half hours of doesn't sound that unreasonable to me. I think it's sweet that he comes to you at 8 each night to spend time with you. You're obviously important to him.

I understand why you're miffed though, you want to be a priority and you should be and you're having a rough time and need some TLC. Have you thought of spending time with him on the computer? Playing games together or something?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/04/2014 11:58

He's attacking because he's vulnerable - he really doesn't want anyone pushing him about his computer habits. And he'd rather attack you when you desperately need support, than address his compulsion. Nice.

I would ask him to have a proper conversation with you - without anger or any of the defensive crap he's pulling (ok, not phrased like that to him!). See if he's willing to discuss why hes so addicted to his computer.

And maybe draw his attention to what his computer love has made him do - choosing to go on the attack when his partner is asking him to show love and support at a horrible time ... Is that really the person he wants to be?

Giving benefit of the doubt, whatever he's obsessing over on his computer has changed his behaviour and his priority, and he is avoiding seeing what he's doing. Maybe, if he's open to seeing this, there's a solution where he takes responsibility for his actions.

Looking on the darker side, if he's addicted to porn or hiding another woman, then it's a whole different ball game. Hoping that's not what's happening here.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/04/2014 12:00

Oh dear just read your latest post - tbh his arguing style is a really bad sign. Flowers

Lyllie · 10/04/2014 12:00

Oh okay, just read the other posts. Not good.

I'm not sure what you can do but I do know you can't change other people. Is there something you can change about your behaviour that might improve things? If not then maybe it's time for some space.

AmberLeaf · 10/04/2014 12:02

I would be suspicious of this behavior.

Trying to start arguments with you, that he twists into being your fault sounds like justifying behavior. ie he is trying to justify something he is doing by making out that you are horrible and at fault.

I'd look at the internet history.

wineandroses · 10/04/2014 12:02

Why are you with this person? It sounds like there is no joy in your relationship. Do you really want to spend your time "walking on egg-shells" and not daring to ask him questions in case he verbally attacks you? Sorry but I can't see this improving. LTB.

WingDefence · 10/04/2014 12:06

I don't think it matters what he's doing on the computer really. I think it's his whole behaviour and attitude which is totally dreadful.

I'd seriously consider LTB I'm afraid :(

ThefutureMrsTatum · 10/04/2014 12:11

I second looking at his browsing history, if there isn't any then he has been using in private browsing or deleting it, and in this instance I would be suspicious.

he sounds like a complete prick to be honest. Could you remove the fuse from the plug or something and tell him he can have it back when you've sat and sorted this out? My DH likes pottering on the computer and sometimes I don't think he realises how long he's been on it, but he'll always switch it off if I give him the "stare".

how long have you been together?

LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 12:12

Not all the arguments are about the computer though. It's everything I say he'll jump on. Recent examples have been money (when I suggested we look at how much we're both spending and try and save more in which he went mental saying I was trying to tell him how to live, making him into a pauper, being controlling, he's never had to deal with someone controlling his finances before, he's had free reign over his finances all his life and I won't change that etc etc) to the house (where I suggested to get rid of some of the plants to make things look tidier and more modern as well as anything he didn't like and he went mad saying he's had plants all his life blah blah blah) to the computer.

Actually a new current theme is him saying he's "had x, y and z all his life and I won't change it". Mad example was me saying the other day if we should consider NOT going to glastonbury next year as we're skint, probably down to one wage, have a holiday to pay off and supposedly a wedding. He went mad saying there is no way I'll stop him from going to Glastonbury, he's done glastonbury all his life and there is no way in hell he'll stop now (by all his life he means he's been to around 4 of them). It's £460 for two people!!! never mind the petrol getting from one end of the country to the other, the money spent whilst there etc etc all the whole our bank balance is in the red! and he insists on going anyway to make some kind of point about how I won't change "his life"?? He never used to be like this.

OP posts:
LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 12:16

Christ I wouldn't dare take the fuse from the plug, he'd go mental.

I've looked at computer history, all that is on there is twitter, ebay and festival news. I know he probably uses private browsing or deletes stuff. It's easy to do, I'll be deleting this from the history and I'm a total novice.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 10/04/2014 12:17

Im with him on the plants, but TBH it sounds like he is trying to 'prove' to himself that everything is wrong and it's all your fault. I would consider that he is getting cold feet about getting married too.

Megrim · 10/04/2014 12:17

If he is on-line gaming with shoot-em-ups, then he'll have been in flight-or-fight mode for a prolonged period. Not an excuse, but it could account for some of the anger.

Agree with ^ have a look at the browsing history too.

Lyllie · 10/04/2014 12:19

Maybe he's just not ready to change so many things at once, or even talk about them all at once. Some people are scared of change and need to go slow.

From his perspective you've been at him about:

The computer
Not being supportive when you needed him
Money
The house
Getting rid of things
Glastonbury
etc.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about those things but what is the core of all those things? Pick one and stick with it. See if that helps maybe.

WestieMamma · 10/04/2014 12:19

Sorry I hate to say this OP but sounds to me like he's no longer in this relationship. Either he's connected with someone else online or being online is his escape. I think he's picking arguments with you to make you leave so he can be on his own/with someone else guilt free.

ThefutureMrsTatum · 10/04/2014 12:22

Hmm he sounds like a bad egg. And I agree with above poster, maybe he is getting cold feet about getting married, worried he'll lose 'himself'. Frank discussion on the cards to let him know where your at and if he can't meet you in the middle with things then you part companies.

petalsandstars · 10/04/2014 12:23

Imagine if you had a baby and he behaved like this

He is only going to grind you down

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