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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So, what do you make of DP's behaviour? is he as much of an arsehole as I think he is?

85 replies

LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 11:33

"D"P is really into his computer. He'd be on it constantly if he could. Now for a while he'd just go on it a couple of hours a night but recently he's been getting in from work at 4.30, sitting in the dining room on his computer up until gone 8pm and then coming to "spend time" with me in the living room however, during this time he likes to go off and make a drink every half hour or so which involves him nipping into the dining room on the pc whilst the kettle boils (+20 mins).

It's starting to get on my nerves. If I spend any time upstairs or on the PC he accusses me of avoiding him, being in a strop or generally being ignorant but these days he's never off the bloody thing (and bare in mind there is a little bit of history from a year ago regarding porn and dating sites and this is why it doubly gets to me.)

So anyway, my situation on Tuesday night was that my son had just come out as being bi (not that it bothers me, it's just an added worry about how people will treat him etc) and that he has a boyfriend. My grandad was on his death bed in hospital and my job is on the line. I'm a little bit stressed out and basically just needed company.

DP was on the PC from 4.30 until 8pm. He finally decided to come and spend a bit of time with me at 8, snapped at me when I tried having a laugh with him and kept nipping back to the dining room. At 11pm he asked me to make us both a drink whilst he did pack ups. I made the drink, helped with packups and then went into the living room. He didn't follow, he went into the dining room and sat on the PC (bare in mind we'd already switched TV off etc so I was sat in the living room in silence waiting for him to join me!). 10 mins later I go in the dining room, ask what he's doing and see that he's on facebook. I got arsey at this point and said "you're always on there lately" and walked out again. 15 more minutes in the living room on my own and I thought "bollocks to this, I'm off to bed."

So - 10 minutes later he comes up. I go to hug him (as we always do in bed) and he goes off on one saying I'm out of order for "stropping", he's sick of me turning on him, I treat him like shit, he's putting his foot down on my shitty behaviour towards him etc etc. I fought my corner for a bit but I just didn't have the energy so I asked him to please just drop it. I have a hell of a lot on my mind right now and could really do with the support, company and a bit of affection. He snapped that he didn't give a fuck, I can't just turn on him and then expect him to play ball again whenever I feel like it!!!! I was feeling very fragile, I asked him to hug me, I was worried about my son, my grandad, my job, nobody to talk to, I needed him more than ever ... I was REALLY trying to make amends. He was so cold towards me, refused to hug me, maintained that I was out of order and basically told me to fuck off.

I spent the night feeling very alone, unloved and angry that I'd spent hours begging my supposed future husband to show me a tiny bit of affection when I really needed him and he'd refused. I'd never do that to someone.

My grandad died the next morning. DP sent me a load of grovelling texts saying he hoped I was ok xxxxxx etc etc but no apology. I'm so angry, I feel really let down. The one time I needed him and he refused to just give me a hug or even talk to me.

OP posts:
LouLouontheLoo · 10/04/2014 13:07

actually Cat I think we'd have the opposite problem. I think one reason the ex is so funny about access to the kids now is because she finally has the ability to control their parenting. Up until they split, he insisted on doing everything. It sounds like she had very little say in anything.

OP posts:
Val007 · 10/04/2014 13:12

What an absolute schmuck!

YouTheCat · 10/04/2014 13:13

That would be even worse!

SuburbanRhonda · 10/04/2014 13:17

lyllie you didn't ask the OP to look at her role in order to help her be more assertive.

You wrote:

Is there something you can change about your behaviour that might improve things?

It is his behaviour that needs changing. Please read all the other posts if you think I've got this wrong.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 10/04/2014 13:27

He's a twat and he won't get better. Look at his divorce papers - they're spelling it out for you - he's abusive, he withdraws affection and he controls money. Why on earth are you still considering marrying this man?

It would be different if all that was just said by a spiteful ex, which happens, but you've got proof it it because he's treating you in the same way as he treated his ex, and you're letting it happen!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life married to this idiot? You can do so much better - run before you get married and have kids and end up stuck with him for life.

WilsonFrickett · 10/04/2014 13:34

Just saw your post about the divorce papers. Leopards really don't change their spots OP. I think you need to take a breath and work out what your next move should be.

pinkie1982 · 10/04/2014 13:47

He is pushing you to end the relationship. I have been there.
It won't get better, he can't see that there is a problem as it is what he wants the outcome to be.

minibmw2010 · 10/04/2014 13:52

Time to get out. You mention your DS, I take it you have no children together? Do not have this for a life, it sounds hideous. As for suggestions asking if you could change something about your behaviour and how 'it's nice he wants to spend time with you at 8pm', dear me. I'd bloody hope my partner or future husband wants to spend time with me, I wouldn't want to have to feel grateful for it.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 10/04/2014 14:07

You asked him the question OP, so I'll ask you it now. Do you still want to marry him?

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 10/04/2014 14:08

What's the situation with your home OP? Do you own, rent?

Lyllie · 10/04/2014 14:30

SuburbanRhonda feel free to read in to it in whichever way you like. That is your choice.

But, I stand by this statement: "Is there something you can change about your behaviour that might improve things?"

That doesn't mean that his behaviour doesn't need changing, of course he does. He's an asshat.

But I believe that people treat us the way we allow them to. And how does that change? By changing our behaviour. Which is assertive. Sometimes that change is to let them know that you won't tolerate being spoken to like that or placing other boundaries in place. And sometimes it's simply being okay enough to walk away.

If you have a problem with someone you can focus as much as you like on their behaviours but you can't force them to change them. You can only control you and what you choose to do.

And trying to look at a situation in the way that someone else might see it. Whether their way is right or wrong. Is also assertive.

Hissy · 10/04/2014 14:55

"Is there something you can change about your behaviour that might improve things?"

and if she does.... it won't change a thing. guaranteed. she could change herself from white to black to polkadot and he'd still find something to piss her off with. they do this to keep us busy. messes with our heads while they gain more and more control.

Lyllie you may mean well, but you are totally off beam with this advice, I assume that you don't have any experience of an abusive relationship at all (lucky you) or are in one, but in denial yourself.

There is no point in Op trying to negotiate with this guy, she's asked him to be there for her for a whole sack of stuff and he told her to FTFO.

Game over there.

The divorce papers is telling you everything you need to know love, he abused her, controlled her and made her life hell.

He's started doing the same thing to you now LouLou, warming up for when he traps you by marriage.

Get out. NOW.

RedRoom · 10/04/2014 15:04

How awful to find that he hasn't learned a thing from his last marriage and is repeating it all again. Is there even the slimmest possibility you could chat to his ex wife? Or would you feel like that was a betrayal? It's just that you might find it an eye opener to your relationship with him.

Lyllie · 10/04/2014 15:10

Oh for god's sake. I think I'll leave it there. There's just really no point at all.

Hissy · 10/04/2014 15:16

NOW you got it Lyllie, well done! :)

SlimJiminy · 10/04/2014 15:21

Walk away op and consider yourself lucky. I have friends who have waited around in shitty relationships that they know are about to end waiting for the man to get it over with. WTF??! Just leave. He isn't there for you when you need him. Find someone who is. Who cares if he plays the victim? So what?! The people who matter to you will hear your side of the story and everyone else can fuck the fuck off, can't they?? If your best friend told you she was staying with a twat of a man because she was worried about what people would think if she left him, what advice would you give her? Sometimes all we need/want during the tough times is a hug and for someone to listen. Your 'D'H can't even do that. I have known people in your situation - very narrowly missed becoming part of something similar myself - and I just hope you find the strength to walk away. You deserve so much more.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/04/2014 15:21

Op - here's a secret. It doesn't matter if he is an arsehole or not, or controlling or not, or abusive or not, or unreasonable or not.

What matters is that you are not happy with him.

You can leave him for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all. You are not married so you don't even have to find five incidents of unreasonable behaviour. You don't have kids together so there is nobody who deserves an explanation as to why the relationship ended.

You can just end the relationship and get on with your life.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/04/2014 16:01

His behaviour sounds manipulative. And exhausting.
And yes, from your posts he does sound as much of an arsehole as you think he is, assuming you thing he is a total arsehole.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/04/2014 16:02

Sorry about your grandfather.

borisgudanov · 10/04/2014 16:04

His ex kicked him out for about half a dozen different kinds of arseholery and he not only refuses to change but adamantly insists on having his life "the way it's always been". So that's with him being a complete and utter twat and everyone else dancing attendance on him and sucking up his wankerish attitude.

Personally I'd format his fucking hard drive for him. Hopefully that'd make him spontaneously combust. Problem solved.

lollilou · 10/04/2014 16:37

He is pushing you to end the relationship. Absolutely agree.

Ilikepancakes · 10/04/2014 19:17

He sounds absolutely awful. Leave him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/04/2014 19:25

I don't often say LTB but in this case...LTB

womblesofwestminster · 10/04/2014 20:39

Why do men do this?? WHY?

ChasedByBees · 10/04/2014 20:51

Thank god you're not married to him. He's a loser. LTB.