So, what do you make of DP's behaviour? is he as much of an arsehole as I think he is?

[LouLouontheLoo]

"D"P is really into his computer. He'd be on it constantly if he could. Now for a while he'd just go on it a couple of hours a night but recently he's been getting in from work at 4.30, sitting in the dining room on his computer up until gone 8pm and then coming to "spend time" with me in the living room however, during this time he likes to go off and make a drink every half hour or so which involves him nipping into the dining room on the pc whilst the kettle boils (+20 mins).

It's starting to get on my nerves. If I spend any time upstairs or on the PC he accusses me of avoiding him, being in a strop or generally being ignorant but these days he's never off the bloody thing (and bare in mind there is a little bit of history from a year ago regarding porn and dating sites and this is why it doubly gets to me.)

So anyway, my situation on Tuesday night was that my son had just come out as being bi (not that it bothers me, it's just an added worry about how people will treat him etc) and that he has a boyfriend. My grandad was on his death bed in hospital and my job is on the line. I'm a little bit stressed out and basically just needed company.

DP was on the PC from 4.30 until 8pm. He finally decided to come and spend a bit of time with me at 8, snapped at me when I tried having a laugh with him and kept nipping back to the dining room. At 11pm he asked me to make us both a drink whilst he did pack ups. I made the drink, helped with packups and then went into the living room. He didn't follow, he went into the dining room and sat on the PC (bare in mind we'd already switched TV off etc so I was sat in the living room in silence waiting for him to join me!). 10 mins later I go in the dining room, ask what he's doing and see that he's on facebook. I got arsey at this point and said "you're always on there lately" and walked out again. 15 more minutes in the living room on my own and I thought "bollocks to this, I'm off to bed."

So - 10 minutes later he comes up. I go to hug him (as we always do in bed) and he goes off on one saying I'm out of order for "stropping", he's sick of me turning on him, I treat him like shit, he's putting his foot down on my shitty behaviour towards him etc etc. I fought my corner for a bit but I just didn't have the energy so I asked him to please just drop it. I have a hell of a lot on my mind right now and could really do with the support, company and a bit of affection. He snapped that he didn't give a fuck, I can't just turn on him and then expect him to play ball again whenever I feel like it!!!! I was feeling very fragile, I asked him to hug me, I was worried about my son, my grandad, my job, nobody to talk to, I needed him more than ever ... I was REALLY trying to make amends. He was so cold towards me, refused to hug me, maintained that I was out of order and basically told me to fuck off.

I spent the night feeling very alone, unloved and angry that I'd spent hours begging my supposed future husband to show me a tiny bit of affection when I really needed him and he'd refused. I'd never do that to someone.

My grandad died the next morning. DP sent me a load of grovelling texts saying he hoped I was ok xxxxxx etc etc but no apology. I'm so angry, I feel really let down. The one time I needed him and he refused to just give me a hug or even talk to me.

Yes LTB LTB. X

god totally get out now - if you don't have any dc and there is no joint property yet then it'll be easy in a practical sense - just imagine how fab your life will be without that bell end!

yanbu at all he is a nobend

He's a dickwad, get out now while you can.

Please remove this person from your life OP

Condolences on the loss of your grandfather.

And on the subject of how bad your partner is - I don't think you fully comprehend quite how awful his behaviour is. This is an abusive man. Please get out while you can make a clean break, and do not consider children with him.

Hissy, I usually agree with you but I think you're wrong about Lyllie's advice. I know from experience that altering how you react to someone's attempts to control can make a difference and I think this is what she's saying, not tread even more carefully so you don't push his buttons.

In this case I do say get out why you still can, Lou. LTB

How you react is by NOT accepting it. Anything less is negotiation, and is pointless.

If someone is attempting to control you, you either comply or you don't. You can't be a little bit controlled. You can state boundaries, but they will be pushed and pushed.

That's exhausting! Controlling people won't just realise that you don't like it and stop. They will find other ways to get what they want, alternating techniques, roping others in to make you look insane/unreasonable/a bitch.

This guy has form. The chance of an abuser changing is infinitessimally small. practically impossible.

Lundy Bancroft states that in order for a man to perhaps have it cross his mind that it might be an idea to consider stopping being abusive/angry/controlling the following has to happen:

He has to lose everything: family, friends, colleagues, children, life basically, but even then the chances of him realising that he can't be a tosser to others is, as I said, non existent.

I've spoken at a conference and then been followed by the posterboy for an abuser programme. It was heartbreaking to see how someone that had had so much money spent on him following so much time of courts and professionals, someone who was being held up as the mentor, just spewed forth nothing but minimisation, denial and blame.

Nothing is ever their fault. Look at Pistorius for example. Excuses for everything, answers for nothing.

I lived with someone who controlled me, for 3 solid years I tried everything to adjust my way of being so that I could make things easier for myself and my child.

Trust me. there is nothing we can do to change the way we react to make things easier with people that want to control us. The abuser/controller WANTS to see us upset and angry, so they will do whatever it takes to MAKE us that way, as it then validates THEIR shitty treatment of us.

People like this 'man' get an emotional hard on by hurting/infuriating us. That's the 'fix' they crave. how they get it, they don't care. EVeryone is collateral damage in the pursuit of their 'hit' of power.

If an average partner is being a bit selfish or controlling and you stand up to them they will get the point eventually and behave differently.

If your partner is controlling and abusive and you stand up to them they aren't likely to see the light. The may well perceive your behaviour as directly threatening to them and their view of the world. Standing up to an abusive person can be dangerous. You won't change them, the best way to look after yourself physically and mentally is often just to quietly walk away.

That's what I'm saying, Hissy, don't try to pacify and submit. It just gets worse. Wish I'd had MN years ago. When red flags are fluttering in your face - take notice, take action. It rarely gets better, only worse, and the earlier you get out, the easier it is.

I agree with Chaz good point.