So, what do you make of DP's behaviour? is he as much of an arsehole as I think he is?

[LouLouontheLoo]

"D"P is really into his computer. He'd be on it constantly if he could. Now for a while he'd just go on it a couple of hours a night but recently he's been getting in from work at 4.30, sitting in the dining room on his computer up until gone 8pm and then coming to "spend time" with me in the living room however, during this time he likes to go off and make a drink every half hour or so which involves him nipping into the dining room on the pc whilst the kettle boils (+20 mins).

It's starting to get on my nerves. If I spend any time upstairs or on the PC he accusses me of avoiding him, being in a strop or generally being ignorant but these days he's never off the bloody thing (and bare in mind there is a little bit of history from a year ago regarding porn and dating sites and this is why it doubly gets to me.)

So anyway, my situation on Tuesday night was that my son had just come out as being bi (not that it bothers me, it's just an added worry about how people will treat him etc) and that he has a boyfriend. My grandad was on his death bed in hospital and my job is on the line. I'm a little bit stressed out and basically just needed company.

DP was on the PC from 4.30 until 8pm. He finally decided to come and spend a bit of time with me at 8, snapped at me when I tried having a laugh with him and kept nipping back to the dining room. At 11pm he asked me to make us both a drink whilst he did pack ups. I made the drink, helped with packups and then went into the living room. He didn't follow, he went into the dining room and sat on the PC (bare in mind we'd already switched TV off etc so I was sat in the living room in silence waiting for him to join me!). 10 mins later I go in the dining room, ask what he's doing and see that he's on facebook. I got arsey at this point and said "you're always on there lately" and walked out again. 15 more minutes in the living room on my own and I thought "bollocks to this, I'm off to bed."

So - 10 minutes later he comes up. I go to hug him (as we always do in bed) and he goes off on one saying I'm out of order for "stropping", he's sick of me turning on him, I treat him like shit, he's putting his foot down on my shitty behaviour towards him etc etc. I fought my corner for a bit but I just didn't have the energy so I asked him to please just drop it. I have a hell of a lot on my mind right now and could really do with the support, company and a bit of affection. He snapped that he didn't give a fuck, I can't just turn on him and then expect him to play ball again whenever I feel like it!!!! I was feeling very fragile, I asked him to hug me, I was worried about my son, my grandad, my job, nobody to talk to, I needed him more than ever ... I was REALLY trying to make amends. He was so cold towards me, refused to hug me, maintained that I was out of order and basically told me to fuck off.

I spent the night feeling very alone, unloved and angry that I'd spent hours begging my supposed future husband to show me a tiny bit of affection when I really needed him and he'd refused. I'd never do that to someone.

My grandad died the next morning. DP sent me a load of grovelling texts saying he hoped I was ok xxxxxx etc etc but no apology. I'm so angry, I feel really let down. The one time I needed him and he refused to just give me a hug or even talk to me.

But I've said loads of times to him that we can end the relationship if that's what he wants, he always says no. I asked if he still wanted to get married, he said he does and doesn't want to call it off.
I'm getting the impression that he wants ME to call it all off so he can play the victim like he did with his ex wife.

Lyllie, I'm not trying to change all those things. The computer is behaviour HE'S recently changed in that he's suddenly on it all the time. And not being supporting when I need him is surely crap in any relationship? especially when I'm expected to give him constant support over anything he's dealing with.

I should be able to bring things up for discussion without it turning into a massive row. It's not about trying to change anything, it's about attempting discussion. He doesn't hold back when he wants to talk to ME about something, I should have the same right.

Agree with other posters I'm afraid, he's picking fights because he doesn't want to get married but wants you to break it off.

He should have the courage to be straight with you. You deserve to be with someone who can't wait to spend the rest of their life with you, not someone who is dragging their feet and picking fights.

Jesus lylie, maybe she deserves to be treated like crap eh??

He is an adult. Being a man doesn't mean you are a different species.she isnt the one being secretive, argumentative, rude, cold. What behaviour should she change?? These are all red flags.

And btw I wouldn't have to tell my dp I'm upset and look for a hug when it is so blatantly obvious that you are having a shit time.

Don't make excuses for him. Im not saying ltb but im saying you need to think this through.

Then I think you should break it off. So what if he tries to play the victim to win a few supporters and "oh poor you's" at least you won't have to spend the rest of your life with the tosser.

This:

Christ I wouldn't dare take the fuse from the plug, he'd go mental.

OP, you're, in an abusive relationship.

I wouldn't even be thinking of marrying someone who has openly admitted he will not compromise on anything he has done "all his life". You will not be marrying someone who wants to make a new life with you as a couple. You will be marrying someone who expects you to make all the changes because he refuses to.

And please ignore comments like:

Is there something you can change about your behaviour that might improve things?

This is not your fault. He's actually more of an arsehole than you think he is

If be pretty sure he was talking to another woman online to be honest. The way he is detached, blaming, etc.
Get a spy camera and point it at the screen behind him. Seriously! Then you will know. And it'll give you the strength to leave.
Or just leave now. He sounds horrible anyway!

What would you feel if he ended it? Upset? Devastated? Angry? Relieved?

There are good men out there. He isn't one of them.

If you re-read the post I said it might be how he feels. Not how it actually is. Some guys just feel pressure more easily than others. I'm not saying you are nagging about those things but in just raising the issues he may see it as that.

Don't twist my words. I'm just throwing ideas around.

I'm trying to think of some things that you could do to get your concerns across to him.

I wonder if keeping a week long diary of the times he soends online, and then presenting him with it, might confront him with the fact that he has a problem? He sounds in denial, as if he doesn't think what he does is all that bad at all.

Could you change the broadband so you have a fixed amount each month, rather than unlimited? It might make him more conscious of his usage.

Could you agree that he has two hours of 'me time' from, say, 4.30-6.30, then from there onwards it is time for you two?

Sorry if you have thought of these or they seem too obvious, but I can't see a way forward while he thinks four hours plus a night of sitting on his own on a PC while ignoring you is okay. He needs to cut that time down. The part about your grandad highlights that loud and clear- he just wasn't there for you.

And seriously, if you have to resort to spying on the guy. Just leave and move on. Why drag yourself down to that level?

And looking at your role in something doesn't mean blaming yourself. It is a part of being assertive. Look at what you can control, not what you can't.

Can you name three things about this relationship that make you feel good?

I don't mean 'aw, he's a really good boyfriend normally' generic stuff, but three specific ways in which this relationship makes you feel happy, supported and like you are being the best version of yourself?

You know, reading your replies has made me realise just how unapproachable he really is. Now way would I mess with the plugs on his computer, I just can't imagine his reaction to that. I couldn't present him with a diary, he'd go crazy and say I was being controlling and obsessive and he's "never had to put up with a woman keeping a diary before" etc etc. No way could I change the broadband, he'd just go nuts and it wouldn't be worth the shit I'd get.
If I suggest that he has two hours of "me time" a night he'd again, go mental and say I was timing his life and it was ridiculous and that he's "never had to put up with being timed before" etc etc.

I've sneaked a look at his divorce papers and it's all there. Withholding affection and intimacy, telling her he didn't care about her, controlling money and financial legalities, verbal abuse etc etc. It's all there.

He is not going to change op. He did it to his ex he is doing it to you.

He doesn't sound the best op.

oh, and passworded computer is in the divorce papers too funnily enough. This one isn't passworded but it was when we first moved in together. I asked him to change it and then noticed dodgy stuff in the internet history. Now he'll just use private browsing.

The question is not whether he wants to still marry or be with you but if you want to be with someone who blows a fuse in order to shut you down whenever you try and reasonably discuss your life,household and finances together,walking on eggshells is no relationship.

Demands your attention, support,affection on his terms but gives nothing back.
Spends most of his time glued to a computer screen.

I have no solid advice that you haven't already had but seriously consider letting him know you will end the relationship if all of the above doesn't improve.

You are doing nothing to deserve this and he is basically abusing you.

There's something else that's more important to him than you. It started a couple of months ago & now he's at the stage where he would lose his relationship with you for the new thing. I think the computer is a symptom, not the cause.

• It could be another woman, he could be talking to her all evening.

• It could be gambling, which is why he's defensive about money.

• It could be gaming, but the other 2 are more plausible

Sounds as if he is either trying to get you to split up with him, so its not his fault & he won't look like the bad guy, or he has emotionally detached from you which is why he's treating you like shit. It could even be both, if he's putting his energy into an emotional affair with someone else then he's gradually leaving your relationship in his mind & severing his ties with you.

Don't marry him OP, I'd class some of his behaviours as red flags for abuse & he sounds like an absolute twat at the moment. The problem is not you, not at all. Don't offer to end the relationship or offer this & that, that's giving him the control & saying to him that his opinion is more important than yours.

I've never said leave the bastard yet but if he won't talk, neither of you are happy & there's no future then you probably should think about a split. He's in the mindset now where he is thinking about himself & not about you at all. Everything is about him, poor little him & you are the nasty witch who moans & nags & stops him doing what he wants.

Leave now and don't look back. He is not good partner material.

Don't worry about letting him play the victim - his mates will know what he's like but they don't have to live with him so they won't care.

You deserve so much better.

Ok - I'm not saying this is what is happening with your DP, but what you have written rings so many alarm bells.

My stbxH became obsessed with a computer game, - hours and hours spent playing this game - became very rude and abusive to me when I questioned it, started being abusive to me generally and constantly pointing out all my faults and finding things to criticise.

Eventually he left leaving a note on the mat saying he'd been having an online affair for months and was going to be with the OW.

Men who are having affairs and want to justify their behaviour to themselves go on the attack and try to blame you. I had nine months of having my confidence and self esteem eroded by him being vile, and then he left. All the time he had been trying to get me to be the one who left by being nasty - because he is a coward.

check out this thread here it is all about the 'script' that men use when they are having an affair - it certainly rang a lot of bells with me and it might for you too.

Good luck.

It sounds to me like a pattern of abusive behaviour.

You've seen how it ended with his exwife, do you really want to put yourself through the same?

This obsession he has with not being required to change the way things have allegedly been "all his life" is a massive red flat. He's essentially saying that if you stay together he must be allowed to carry on as if you don't exist, you must never ever ask him to do anything, nothing must ever change, etc etc. Yet the essence of any relationship has to be give and take and adaptability on both sides.

I'd suggest you point that fact out to him and ask whether he is prepared in any way to accept the need for give and take and, if not, whether he really wants to be in a relationship at all.

Well, if the divorce papers are anything to go by, it's all their in black and white for you. Your living what his ex was, it's just happening again. Leave him, or you'll be clutching your divorce papers in a few years time reading the exact same thing!

I think you know what you have to do! For your own happiness and mental health.

Can you imagine what he'd be like if you had a child together? You'd be struggling on, doing everything, and god forbid you ask for any help or for him to do some parenting - because that would be trying to control him and make him do things.

It isn't too late to ltb.