to think attending Tough Mudder isn�t a sensible idea

[JustforthisAIBU]

NC for this but will probably still out me in RL.
Completely out of the blue DP has decided to sign up to Tough Mudder which is later this year. If all goes to plan our first DC will be 6 weeks old when he competes.

He isn't particularly fit and doesn't partake in regular exercise, he has a physical job but would be out of breath after running for 5 minutes or walking up a steep hill for example. He has never visited a gym in his life and I imagine a 12 mile military obstacle course would be very difficult for him. He said he will start improving his general fitness before the event by running every other night etc. I question if he will want to be embark on a new fitness regime after working FT on very little sleep. Obviously neither of us have experienced the early newborn days yet but I think we both need to prepare ourselves for weeks of horrible sleep deprivation.

It costs 95 to attend plus additional expenses of at least 60 for travel, parking, food and drinks. We are currently 'comfortable' with our income but sometimes funds are stretched, by the time he attends the event I will be on SMP and he will have received 2 weeks SPP. I already have real concerns about how we will manage the household budget whilst having such a reduced income for 9 months and have been frantically saving as much as possible. 150 will be a lot of money then even if he doesn't think it is now.

He also said he would stop drinking while training, I did stifle a laugh at this - wish he would be this supportive while I'm abstaining.

Normally I would be very supportive that he wants to pursue a new activity / hobby, we could both do with improving our fitness and I would offer to go jogging with him for some moral support if he wanted but I can't help thinking the timing is shit and this idea lacks common sense.

So tell me, is my hormonal pregnancy brain taking over and not seeing this in perspective? AIBU?

Don't be frustrated about it. If it TM he wants to do then why would he consider an alternative? If that was my goal and my h tried to change my mind then he would probably get the same response. I would actually be quite disappointed that he thought I couldn't do it.

Yes I do plan on BF if poss
This isn't a question of 'letting him do it', although we are a partnership he is an independent person and has free will

It's a bit like the marathon though, isn't it. There are hundreds of marathons one 'could' do but when I do one I ideally want it to be London or failing that Brighton. There is a certain amount of cachet and respect that comes with a big sporting event, plus I know I'll need the atmosphere that accompanies. Yes I could do it in Richmond Park but with no one cheering me on I'm highly likely to bore it off at 16 miles.

Also, if your DH is doing it as part of a team and they have picked TM, it is a bit awkward for him to try and convince them all to do a lower profile event.

That's very true it could be awkward Amber though he did tell me last night his team are dropping like flies now they know how much it costs.

I realise why he has set his mind on this event, If he was prepared to attend one next year and take some time to build up his fitness by perhaps trying some other events this year I would be the first one there to cheer him on, I won't be doing that this year because I think it's too soon to take a baby on a 4 mile round trip to watch an all day sporting event, not criticising those who do but it's not for me.

I feel this is going around in circles now, thanks for everyone for posting it's great to hear opinions I hadn't considered but in many respects I'm more confused than ever. For some it's a walk in the park requiring little more than a day of muddy fun which he can probably compete while changing the baby's nappy and for others it's a mental and physical endurance test that ironman triathletes would struggle to complete and I would be mad to entertain the idea plus he might die. I suppose this is the joy of MN and different opinions.

Anyway last night I simply asked him to research the event and training required before committing and suggested he checks with a medical professional too, I really don't think IABU. His decision is his own.

That should be 4 hour round trip, miles would be fine!

I don't think YABU either. Men do tend to fixate on something, I know my DH does. I think it sounds gruelling and I am in reasonable shape. He would at the v least need to combine half marathon training with a good amount of strength work and you are right that the high intensity period would be the time you need him most.

If you've laid your concerns out to him and he has listened and still wants to go ahead I guess you're stuck, but I quite agree that you wouldn't want to take a new baby to watch an all-day sporting event. Maybe you could spend the day with friends or family?

OP, I have been thinking about this (while doing the shop in Aldi!) and was wondering whether this is really about practical stuff.

This is your first baby, and I think it's about feeling comfortable that you have adequate support in place from DH for the new arrival. If I were in your shoes, I think what would bother me wasn't the challenge but the idea that he seems to want to absent himself for stretches of time at what is a critical time for the pair of you. The question in my mind is not 'why this challenge?' but 'why now?' There are two possible answers to that: the first is that he needs time/space to do his own thing and process a bit life change, and this is the answer he's fixed on. The second is that you need support/help at this point, and he should put that first.

I would have a talk to him about how this makes you feel, not about the practicalities. If he can give you adequate reassurance to put your mind at rest as to his motives for doing this, then he can probably go ahead and do it. But if he doesn't, and you're left at home fuming that he's sodded off on yet another two-hour run while you are left cooking dinner, then it's likely to do some damage to your relationship, and maybe he should postpone until after the first year, and work up to it more slowly. I'm not saying he shouldn't exercise, but maybe make Tough Mudder the one-year goal, with a 10k a shorter-term one. What I'm trying to say is that maybe it's really about where your individual comfort zones lie, how you operate as a couple, and how the pregnancy is going.

Amber yes I'm sure I could find something to do, the day itself would be fine just the lead up I'm not sure about. It would be a nice excuse to spend the day with my lovely Mum anyway

Struggling you make a lot of valid points. I also wouldn't want him to take something like this on lightly for risk of injury, it could also damage his confidence if he has to drop out. If you are going to do something I firmly believe in giving it your all.
We have been together for 11 years, if he wanted to do something like this before he has had plenty of time and he will have plenty of the time in the future too, maybe he needs reassurance that the baby won't completely take over everything he wants to do. Everybody needs time out to do something for themselves.
I do feel like I need a little reassurance from him that he has considered me before deciding to do this, sometimes he struggles with thinking laterally and in a common sense way. I think, or perhaps hope, that he has underestimated the amount of time he will need to spend on this. He thinks it's just a one day event with an odd jog in the week but in reality it could mean he will be absent for a few hours during a time that I might really need him. Even if I don't need him around it would be nice to think he has considered that.

Thanks, you have given me some things to ponder on, the last thing I want to do though is give him a guilt trip or force his decision as he would resent me. This has to be something he decides for himself.

Glad it helped a bit! You sound like a wonderful partner - but don't forget to think about yourself too. You have needs right now, and give that you're about to give birth to his kid, the least he can do is to be considerate and attentive.

I agree with you struggling - when I have lost it with DH over this it's not necessarily been about the practicalities of the actual time he's out training, but about feeling that I'm less important than whatever event he's doing that month.

Normally I'm very supportive but sometimes he's just tested my patience, and frankly I think with a newborn my patience levels aren't going to be what they normally are!

I think you just need to make sure he considers your need for support. I think it depends partly also on how much time he commits to training. Do let us know.