2 parents working in "lesser" jobs, or 1 high-powered WOHP and SAHP?

[redskyatnight]

If you have the luxury of choice

For school age DC

Which is preferable

• Both parents working, in "lesser" jobs but close to home so both able to see more of DCs in morning/evenings, able to attend school events, jointly able to cover holidays and sickness, both parents maintain their position in the job ladder, security if one parent is made redundant/taken ill/leaves the family, however potentially more stressful in terms of juggling OR
• One parent working in high powered job so potentially silly hours, long commute, often away from home, while the other parent is SAHP. So one parent is always available for the DCs, but the other may have limited time with them, the SAHP has effectively sacrificed their career for the other, may be less security for the family long term. But ... more relaxed lifestyle.

DH and I fall into the first bucket, DB and SIL into the second. I'm happy to take the "more juggling" which means that we both can jointly pursue our careers and both spend lots of time with the DC.

I can see that SIL (she's a SAHM) has a much more relaxed lifestyle and it's great for DB that she just handles anything child related, but think it's sad for him not to spend more time for his DC and not great for SIL in terms of one day she may want to go back to work and struggle to do so.

(ought to point out that we could have pursued the one parent in high powered job option, but have chosen not to - equally DB and SIL could have gone with both of them working)

To turn this into an AIBU ...

AIBU to think both parents working in "lesser" jobs is the better option?

Word, I am totally in agreement with you about how the media overtly and subtly undermine working mothers with the message they cannot possibly have it all.

This is the latest bilge from the DM: Whisper-NO-mother-wants-work-Itll-infuriate-feminists-But-HELENA-FRITH-POWELL-lived-career-says-shes-stumbled-basic-human-truth.html. You don't even need to click on the link and waste your time to read it. The title says it all.

I just want a more diverse message out there than the knee-jerk working women could not possibly want or enjoy what men have taken for granted for centuries. It is just tedious to read about how our biology is our destiny.

I haven't clicked on the link but I see it promotes the laughable and persistent myth that NO MOTHER WORKED until that nasty feminism came along.

I see Sheryl Sandberg, Helena Morrissey, the artiste formerly known as Xenia and others like them to be an inspiration.

I don't have their drive nor desire to emulate their lives but they make me up my game at work and do my bit to ensure that women put more of a visible stake in wider society than family, home and hearth and related activities. They are chipping away at the edifice of the male dominated workplace so that my daughter will have more choices when her turn comes.

These women chose the high road. I am sure SAHM-ing with school-age children is a nice life indeed for themselves and their families but why would I look to emulate someone who took the easy way out?

I don't wanna be like them either...but I don't want their voices silenced.

Wasn't our own xenia hounded and hounded by nutters until she buggered off?

We need diversity of female voices, not the same old paradigm women finding it all just so hard...

Is this really an option for the majority of people? Surely circumstances dictate the situation and for most it a struggle to get by. It is not like you can suddenly decide 'right darling I am just off to get one of those high power jobs you hear about that pay megabucks. Apparently they are giving them out with three tokens off the back of a cornflake pack. '

Word, I believe Xenia is still on these boards but under a different name.

Compost, it is enough if Sheryl etc's message inspires a handful to follow her and other women to see high achieving woman as a normal rather than a freak. The point is, even if we don't want to be Sheryl, we need her voice out there jostling along with all the other high achieving male voices for which their gender do not even warrant a mention. How many males want to be Mark Carney or Barack Obama but we don't suppress their message.

I think you should earn as much as you can.

Love that idea that 'lesser jobs' are somehow easier or less stressful... It really depends on what you do. Many jobs with lower wages involve poor or even dangerous working conditions, vicious shift rotas, poor job security, 'commutes' to the other side if the country fir work (friend's DP is a brickie and works in Cornwall during the week..they live in Scotland)

wordfactory - I think it is exceptionally relevant when multiple Filipina housekeepers, Swedish au pairs, grandmothers that fly in from overseas to hold the fort any time and holidays that are never taken as a whole family are not even alluded to. You are strangely naive.

Why on earth should she allude to her domestic suport? No one asks DH 'how he does it'. No one is remotely interested in his domestic affairs, yet his female colleagues are expected to discuss it. Why?

*We get endless air time about how it's better for women to be at home and how terribly hard it is to have children and be successful. How working women are all meant to be sad and stressed and wishing they didn't have to work. Constant refrain in the media.

Why can't there just be a few female voices that say they can have success and a happy family life? Why do women who say that have to be berated and put in the 'scum of the earth' category?*

God yes.

Sheryl Sandberg does see her children, she leaves work every day at 5.30 and she and her husband have a deal they never travel at the same time. Her argument is once women are in top jobs they can push for change from within. She is not the scum of the earth.

It is usually the men with the high-powered jobs under OP's second scenario. For that reason I struggle with it, especially when I have to compete with men at work with a SAHW.

Bonsoir, not sure who you're referring to, but housekeepers aside, having an au pair or back-up childcare support (from a distance) isn't all that unusual for people on middling salaries, likewise splitting holidays to cover school breaks, in fact people on lower incomes are more likely to have to do that to reduce childcare costs.

I think it is exceptionally relevant when multiple Filipina housekeepers, Swedish au pairs, grandmothers that fly in from overseas to hold the fort any time and holidays that are never taken as a whole family are not even alluded to. You are strangely naive.

I don't think employees should be exploited but I think you're rather inaccurate in this assessment of childcare where both parents work.

I am no way in the league of Sheryl Sandberg but my DS's nanny was UK born, well qualified and well paid. Most childcare professionals see themselves as just that professionals and most are constantly retraining, updating their qualifications and are highly regulated. My DS's childminder is university educated and bilingual with a previous non-childcare career in a professional industry. Why is it a shame for people who are interested in child development to be able to work in that sector?

That exploited domestic workers exist and are trafficked is a tragedy. It has nothing to do with the number of high powered women in the workplace - many of the trafficked domestic staff (AKA modern slaves) in this country have Middle Eastern 'employers' - hardly likely to be headed by a female breadwinner.

God, its so depressing to read some of the posts on this thread. I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s.

No-one would be making these comments about men. Horrendous sexism .

BTW, totally agree with everything word factory has said.

Well, if it wasn't for the inspirational women pushing the boundaries, women like me wouldn't have had a chance in the workplace and the sole ambition of our lives would be raising children (which lets face it, even if you love it, is not the most intellectually stimulating thing in the world). I'm with word factory on this. Better a Sandberg than all women at home baking cakes and sweeping floors whilst Big Man brings home the bacon.

Apatite, turn that comment on it's head and write:
Rather a sahm than a wohm office drone paying for someone else to look after her kids fulltime so she doesn't have to.
Kind of offensive isn't it?
Just like the baking cakes and sweeping floors statement?
Just another form of prejudice against women.

If there were equality, the stats would show far more men at home and far more women working in senior jobs.

I'm not sure why "equality" has to be reduced to "equal presence and responsibility in the workplace".

usuallyright

I totally agree.
Just told the dc and dh about the baking cakes, sweeping floors and not intellectually stimulating.
They are howling as they see more home made ed resources printing
Are we allowed to say we are sahm's because we want to be good role models and provide our dc with a good work ethic, or is that the preserve of wohp.
It is absolutely ridiculous.