2 parents working in "lesser" jobs, or 1 high-powered WOHP and SAHP?

[redskyatnight]

If you have the luxury of choice

For school age DC

Which is preferable

• Both parents working, in "lesser" jobs but close to home so both able to see more of DCs in morning/evenings, able to attend school events, jointly able to cover holidays and sickness, both parents maintain their position in the job ladder, security if one parent is made redundant/taken ill/leaves the family, however potentially more stressful in terms of juggling OR
• One parent working in high powered job so potentially silly hours, long commute, often away from home, while the other parent is SAHP. So one parent is always available for the DCs, but the other may have limited time with them, the SAHP has effectively sacrificed their career for the other, may be less security for the family long term. But ... more relaxed lifestyle.

DH and I fall into the first bucket, DB and SIL into the second. I'm happy to take the "more juggling" which means that we both can jointly pursue our careers and both spend lots of time with the DC.

I can see that SIL (she's a SAHM) has a much more relaxed lifestyle and it's great for DB that she just handles anything child related, but think it's sad for him not to spend more time for his DC and not great for SIL in terms of one day she may want to go back to work and struggle to do so.

(ought to point out that we could have pursued the one parent in high powered job option, but have chosen not to - equally DB and SIL could have gone with both of them working)

To turn this into an AIBU ...

AIBU to think both parents working in "lesser" jobs is the better option?

First option for us. DS is important to us both so we both want to spend time with him and are both responsible for covering sick days etc. I can't imagine staying home and sending DH to work all hours so that he misses out.

It also has the added advantage that we have a second income in the event something goes wrong. We both share the financial border and DS sees that both can work and parent rather than growing up believing he has to work by virtue of the fact he was born male whilst girls don't.

Non working parents can be left high and dry when something goes wrong, it never hurts to keep your hand in working even if only a few hours. Experience and recent references make all the difference when looking for work.

Hello OP

I think it is also personal choice in addition to the practical.
We prefer a sahp because it was what was important to us, others would prefer both parents working.
I don't think as HappyMummy suggests that it should be the woman who sah in this situation.
I think most people who wanted a sahp would look at the one with the highest income and prospects to be the wohp.
It depends on the work too, not all people have set hours a commute and office to go to.

We went for the second option, DH is out of the home between 7 and 7 but gets weekends of and 7-8 weeks of a year. When we moved to this area we did discuss option 1, DH could only earn about 70k a year locally which is less than half of what he gets now. I could probably earn about 20k full-time so we would be financially worse of and we thought life would be more stressful. DH wouldn't be happy at the moment to take a lower paid job or one with less responsibilityreaching and I have never been very ambitious although I do like studying which fits in well with being a SAHP.

being able to pay for food and a roof over your head is the best option.

I think it depends on your age. If you are a young couple and have energy, you need to make the most of your earning potential while you can, it may not last. I would say at this point one of the parents need to opt for a lesser job to be there for the children as much as possible.
Once you reach a certain age, you have savings, etc, then you can both slow down and be there for the family in equal times. This might happen when the children are already teenagers but they still need you.

We fall into both. Dh has a big career with big hours. He is a live to work kind of person so suits him. He loves the kids and enjoys spending weekends with them.

I work part time and my career has definitely stalled. We have a nanny for the days I work.

I constantly feel torn and like I'm doing two jobs badly. Ideally I would give up work to focus on the family but I can't bring myself to do it even though we can afford it.

We do option 1, it works best for us. We have tried option 2 (with me as WOHP as I outearn DH full time) but dh was miserable and bored at home with both dc at school,I don't blame him as I go a little bit crazy if at home 2 days running also. Yes it is stressful sometimes but positives apart from those named above are:
A) tax efficiency (we both earn 45-50k) so pay minimal HRT and keep our child benefit.
B) we are providing employment for our housekeeper, which we couldn't afford on 1 income.
C)We have a house keeper.

I definitely adhere to the one high-earning WOHP and one SAHP model - much less stress for the family and much better quality relationships IMO.

Actually Bonsoir in the lean in Ted talk Sheryl Sandberg says equal relationships are healthier (well happier and more sex). Need to go now but will look for reference when back.

I certainly do not adhere to the same values as Sheryl Sandberg - she is the scum of the earth in my book.

Option 2 works for us, DH works away regularly and earns enough for me to stay at home (1 high school, 1 primary and 1 pre-school dc). I have health conditions that severely impact on my employment/earning potential so this is the situation that works best all round.

I do worry frequently though about being fully reliant on my DH financially though. I wouldn't be able to support 3 dc on my own as my health deteriorates further (which it will barring amazing new treatments/cures being discovered). I'm hoping to do some voluntary work when my youngest starts school next year with a view to getting a manageable part time job (manageable with health and family) in the future.

I prefer the first option. I would feel insecure if everything were dependant on one wage.

In the past, I have worked full time and DH part time. I didn't feel like I spent enough time with DS, or DH for that matter, as I was often stressed and tired at the ends of a day and had no time for conversation, unwinding, sex etc.

I now work 4 days and its amazing what a difference that extra day makes to all our lives. We are both very lucky to be able to work part time and we have a really relaxed lifestyle now with plenty of family time. Plus DS gets quality one on one time with each of us and we each have time for hobbies, friends etc.

If either of us lost our job, we could, with a lot of juggling, make it through until they found another one.

We do Option 2, the main drawback of this is that a huge chunk of DH's income is paid in tax, literally half of his annual bonus is taken immediately by the revenue with is quite difficult to stomach.

My Dsis and DBil do option 1, and their salaries sum to DH's (so on paper, both our households have the same amount of money coming in each year)

Due to fact that so much less of their income falls within the Higher rate bracket than does DH's, they are better off by nearly 2k a month than we are.

Worth thinking about.

option 3 for us, one high powered job, one lesser one. I believe we get the best of both worlds this way - I get to work without worrying about childcare, grocery shopping and DS doctor's appointments. DH can work just enough to keep his hand in the business, so if and when this becomes necessary or if he wants to, he can again earn a decent income.

Duckworth, I know what you mean regarding tax, more so since the tax allowace starts to disappears over 100k. DH pays quite a bit of his bonus into his pension to save on tax.

I busted a gut to help DH finish a degree to start. A second career - it was what he wanted. His second career, which he loves, is in the merchant navy so he's away half the time.

My nursing career was getting stale, and shift work when DH is away? There isn't wrap around for that.

So for us one high earner enjoying their life, and a sahm while I take a breather and consider my next career works. One more year of preschooler and it might not.

Bonsoir how would you define the health of a relationship ?

bonsoir why on earth is Sheryl Sandberg scum of the earth?

Def 1 higher powered for us and our children at the moment.

My dp spends time with the dc but it's managing the stress,getting rid of all the crappy chores midweek so the weekend and after work hours are free and having somebody able to be there without wasting precious holiday days are huge reasons for us.

We all eat well,have limited stress and have oodles of quality time.

Neither dp,I or our dc handle stress well.

There is another reason- our dc's education.We could never afford private even if I worked full time(former teacher) so we feel maximising our dc's state experience is a huge priority.I have the time to research,help with homework,tutor in areas needed after school,go in to school when needs be etc.My dc can fit in homework,playing outside with friends,reading,playing the piano and general relaxing all before bedtime which I feel they need.All 3 are doing very well and we are all reaping the benefits.I chose to have my dc and feel strongly an obligation to give them independence and a top rate education.

I have a final selfish reason.We battled for years and spent thousands on fertility treatments.We were told we'd never have children naturally and were facing a childless future before we had our dc.I wanted to drink in every moment,you only live once,children are grown up and gone in a flash.I generally do want I want in life,plan and work to accommodate my choices.My kids will all be at secondary in a couple of years so I'm now looking for part time work which will facilitate all of the above.Looking forward to the next stage.

So to answer the op yabu for us and I suspect millions of others.Families,jobs,personalities,children,priorities,circumstances(I had 3 in 15 months)differ.One size does not fit all,why should they?I'm also not getting the MN obsession of labelling either/or.In RL most sahp aren't sahp forever.Many want and enjoy the stage but it is mostly temporary so on that basis also yabu.

Personally, given the luxury of choice i'd prefer option one. But sadly we have option 2. DH's job is all or nothing, so there is no possibility of a 'lesser' job for him - and it's the only thing he can do. This means i have to be a SAHM.

As a child who had parents who worked long hours I would have prefered option one for them too. Sadly life isn't always the way we want it tho.

I think you know the answer OP- there is no 'better' option, it's a case of what a couple want from life.
Our set up is very much along the lines of both us having pretty equal careers and incomes, and Equal time for children and home related things. It works for us because we both enjoy spending time with our children and also we both enjoy our professional lives. I think we're also pretty equally balanced in that we both like cooking, and other domestic things seen to carve up pretty easily- eg he does nearly all the gardening as he loves it, and I do all all the decorating, and enjoy seeking out bits and pieces of furniture to paint/ restore- that's my hobby.

For other couples it works best to have one at home full time- no right or wrong about it