2 parents working in "lesser" jobs, or 1 high-powered WOHP and SAHP?

[redskyatnight]

If you have the luxury of choice

For school age DC

Which is preferable

• Both parents working, in "lesser" jobs but close to home so both able to see more of DCs in morning/evenings, able to attend school events, jointly able to cover holidays and sickness, both parents maintain their position in the job ladder, security if one parent is made redundant/taken ill/leaves the family, however potentially more stressful in terms of juggling OR
• One parent working in high powered job so potentially silly hours, long commute, often away from home, while the other parent is SAHP. So one parent is always available for the DCs, but the other may have limited time with them, the SAHP has effectively sacrificed their career for the other, may be less security for the family long term. But ... more relaxed lifestyle.

DH and I fall into the first bucket, DB and SIL into the second. I'm happy to take the "more juggling" which means that we both can jointly pursue our careers and both spend lots of time with the DC.

I can see that SIL (she's a SAHM) has a much more relaxed lifestyle and it's great for DB that she just handles anything child related, but think it's sad for him not to spend more time for his DC and not great for SIL in terms of one day she may want to go back to work and struggle to do so.

(ought to point out that we could have pursued the one parent in high powered job option, but have chosen not to - equally DB and SIL could have gone with both of them working)

To turn this into an AIBU ...

AIBU to think both parents working in "lesser" jobs is the better option?

Most of the families I know do option C. The DH earns more than the DW and works and commutes between approximate 8-6 and the DW earns less money and either works a shorter day such as 9-2/9-4 or a shorter week.

Option 1 works well for us

Also, is it not better to say jobs demanding fewer hours rather than 'lesser' jobs OP?

Well quite. There are plenty of low salary jobs that require long hours, unpaid overtime, long commutes - it's not just high earners who have to put up with this.

I recognise that isn't the case in the OP's situation. BUT I also don't think many people have the luxury of making that choice. DH and I both have relatively well paid, relatively responsible FT jobs - we need both salaries to pay the mortgage and bills. We have no family near us but we somehow manage to make it happen. If one of us has to leave work early, then we have to do the work later and be available for calls and emails.

There isn't a 'lesser' option - these are the careers we have experience in - in fact, if DH or I took a more junior role then we'd do LONGER hours than in our current managerial positions. And if one of us went freelance our salary would be decimated as would our career progression.

I also think it is very important to have up to date skills and financial independence for both partners. I dread to think what would happen if I was a SAHM and something happened to DP or vice versa - given I'm the higher earner. I've seen my (usually female) colleagues leave the industry for a break post-children and it is highly unlikely they will get back in - certainly not at the same level.

I think there can be a third option too. I used to have a very high paid job, higher paid than my husband at that time, but I had to do lots of international travel, late night conference calls, zero possibility of working part time etc etc. I got made redundant from that job and we decided that was the time to have a baby, and I am a SAHM. My husband works long hours to make it pay and he has very good career prospects. He does get home in time to put our DS to bed most nights, DS has a later bedtime and later wake time, suits me fine! But there is not quite enough ££ to go around, nothing for treats, we have to scrabble around for money for holidays and I am frustrated being a SAHM, so I got trained in another area and have started my own business working from home. It's a business that can grow as I choose, but also means that we don't have the stress of what happens if DS is ill, I can pick him up etc. The only challenge will be during the holidays.
Anyway, in answer to your post either way is good, so long as it works for your family.

a career break that last sentence should say. Obviously not a break

Option 2 works very well for us, but many of the usual disadvantages are removed in our situation.

Art sorry to single you out from the whole thread, but what on earth will you do when your DCs start school?

Tondelay- very good point there. I know I have far more control over my working day, and can leave work early/ catch up later if I need to, than was the case when I was in a less senior position.

Janey, I found that with my DH too. My DS3 has a lot of hospital appointments and we both like to go with our DS so he books a working from home day, or leaves early for footie matches and school meetings. Sometimes he just takes a random day of for time in leau to catch up on bits and pieces at home.

Apologies OP - I've just seen you opened with 'IF you have the luxury of choice' - so fair enough.

When the dts's came along we both went to more flexible roles in our careers, thinking that option 1 would be best for our family.

However dts1 has ASD and just couldn't cope with constant changes in primary caregiver or the changes to his daily routine, plus with his medical appointments we were struggling to juggle work. This did not make for a happy family environment.

Our compromise was for me to stop working and DH to resume his old role so we went to option 2. This suited family better but still not ideal.

Our option 3 was for DH to take a much more flexible role (less responsibility/less pay) so we sold our house and bought a smaller one to enable us to be mortgage free. This suits us really well. It's amazing how quickly you learn to cut your cloth according to your income and more importantly than any of the above this works for dts1 and he is our priority.

For us it is the flexibility we like which we wouldn't have if we both woh.
Dh works away and from home, so he is domestic and tutor to dd when he is here but gets to travel, she will start to go with him sometime soon, which means as a sahm I get a good break too.
It works for us in our situation.

For us we prefer to both work, I get bored too easily and loathe other peoples children.

Its a tricky one. We fall into the second category, with me being a SAHM having given up the career I had before because I no longer wanted to do it. (I don't think anyone should feel obliged to give up a career they love just because they have kids, be they male or female, but I wanted to).

I think in many ways its great for the kids to have me at home full time, always there at pick up, plenty of time to socialise after school and do stuff, and I am a "constant" so to speak, if they are sick I'm there in 10 minutes, that kind of thing.

Its not necessarily been great for me all the time - some people make the most of the relaxed lifestyle, I make almost too much of it and have become quite lazy in a sense and when I went into London for a day trip a few weekends back it nearly killed me I thought how the hell does my DH do this every day even though I used to do it everyday, plus go out at night, get the vomit-comet home and do it all again the next day! (Hour or so commute plus faff of parking and stuff at the station - or taxi obv if drinking)

Part of me envies some of the other parents I have met at school, who have small local businesses, have to watch their money but live well enough, but have loads of time together as a family. At this point we only eat together as a family twice a week tops. (unless you count lunch as well then its 4 times!)

But DH loves his job mostly, hates having to travel but its part of the job, but seeks much comfort from knowing I am here holding the fort so to speak, and able to get other stuff done that used to be impossible when we were both in London (like dry-cleaning - we'd have to drop it off one Saturday and pick it up on the next, as it would be closed by the time we got back!) and woe betide us if we got carded for a parcel at the sorting office, we'd have to get there and pick it up on a Saturday morning, what a hassle! Now all these errands can be taken care of and food is home cooked and stuff, though I sometimes feel a bit like its groundhog day.

You just have to do what is right for you but I wouldn't say either scenario is bad for the children necessarily - my parents both worked, and its "what kind of parent" you have when they are there that makes more difference than how much they are there, within reason - if you are stressed and irritable but there all the time, its probably better to be working and just have 2 hours quality time where you appreciate them, and vice versa - if your job is making you stressed and irritable and you can afford to stay at home then that's preferable. Hope that makes sense!

Well it completely depends on the couple, doesn't it? And also the jobs in question?

The idea that one model suits all families is pretty absurd. I know families where both work and everyone's happy, I know families with a SAHP where everyone's happy. I also know families of bioth description where some and/or all of the members are bloody miserable!

And both models have obvious pros and cons.

Then there are couples like DH and I where he lost certainly does not want a lesser job, and I don't want to be a SAHM...we make it work. We're all fine and dandy!

As you say, it's good parenting and a happy dynamic for all family members which matters, and that can be done in a variety of set ups: there is no one, specific way which is best for everyone

We are sort of doing Option 1, but with me being part time in a higher earning job. DH would prefer Option 2 with me maximising earning and him being SAHP, but I don't want to work crazy houra, be stressed and not see my DCs all week. I also think I am more patient and better at boundaries so wouldn't feel great about him doing the bulk of childcare. I sometimes wonder if I am BU and should suck it up and slog for my family, but I think it works well as it is.

Option 1, or something approximating it, is what a) works atm and b) feels more right for us. Dh works a long-hours, high-responsibility job in a medical setting with decent-but-unspectacular earnings now and good future earning power. However, we live very locally so his 'commute' is 5 min by bike. I am tremendously lucky - I work 25h from home, but employed, in a job I love which I got because of a specific high-level skill I have. I can always be around for the children, cover illness, inset days etc. I go away for work a couple of days a month but dh/childcare can manage that. I would earn about the same as dh - in fact a little more - if I were FT. I feel more secure knowing that both of us are maintaining decent earning power.

You can get part time highly paid jobs and jobs with long hours that pay poorly. I think being highly skilled and well paid but part time works well. Being a SAHP would be boring for me, plus I'd have been stuffed when I got divorced as long career breaks make it harder to get back into the system. Find a job you enjoy and which pays well if possible (you did mention the luxury of choice) and just reduce your hours when you have kids. Mums don't have to have "little mum jobs"

I'd go for option one, definitely, but I think it is possible to have rewarding and important jobs that don't involve tons of stress and allow a decent work life balance.

We had a period after moving for my job when DH was a sahp for a while - we thought it would provide a bit of continuity for dd after a relocation. Honestly speaking, for us there was no real benefit to this, and we decided that DH should go back to work.

However, each family is different. I don't think any option is inherently better. It's about what works for you in your situation.

Both "high powered" as we're in the same profession and were on the same career paths. Neither of us needed to commute and we used nannies (as in Mary Poppins not grandmothers) for childcare. It never occurred to me to give up my job.

Option 1 works best for us. My ft salary is about 1.5 times DHs, but I work pt so take home slightly less than DH. DH gets decent holidays and does very little overtime. He is also available to do morning school run most days. We both have fairly flexible employers.

This is by far my preferred option, and we have made financial/career sacrifices to reach this happy medium.

MN threads will have us believe that there is no middle ground between SAHM+70hr week working/£100k earning WOHD and 2 ft WOHP never seeing their DCs.

In reality I know very few people who fit into either if these camps!

Gosh, it completely depends. There is no "better" option, I completely agree with other posters on that.

Personally we do Option 2, although I did work part time for a couple of years when we just had 1 DC. We've thought about him doing a "lesser", more local job as you put it, but the salary/career just don't compare. I would struggle to find something I think too, now we are not in London. We're thinking about setting up a business, but this would be alongside his job for many years.

Option 2 sounds hideous to lots of people, but it is completely dependent on each family. For us, as he has been at the same company for years and years, he did the super long hours pre-DC. And although he has a long commute and has to travel sometimes, he also might have 2-3 days a week working from home. He's also not answerable to people in the same way so can ensure things work around school holidays. He can take unpaid leave - we worked out he took 3 months off in total last year - and is now in a really great position, both financially and in terms of his career, and he would be foolish to give it up now (we have young DC 7 and 3). As for me - yes I have sacrificed a lot, who doesn't, but I get to spend more time with my children and focus on that. We felt that one of us needed to be here full time. Plus weekends are all about family as I try to get everything set up so we can all enjoy it - ie. I have the time to do this, get all the admin stuff done, food shopping, cooking, cleaning whatever. It's not always great and I am starting to itch for a job, hence the business ideas!

If I could do anything it would be both parents working part time in fairly high powered jobs. Our set up at the moment is that I am a SAHM and DP has a professional job a 5 minute bike ride from our house with flexitime which means that he is usually home by 4.30 pm and can go to special assemblies etc if he works a bit later. Our long term goal is for me to get back to work and work 3-4 days a week and for him to cut his hours a bit and take on more responsibility for the household stuff.

We both work in high'er' paid jobs.

This is so that if anything happened to one of us the other could continue to support the family.